I Learned I Need People.

 Wow, I have not written in a blog in so very long, however it used to be extremely therapeutic to me. And what better time to write than when I need therapy to process what on earth is going on in this head of mine?

I wanted to open up about something that's been weighing me down in the past year or so. Maybe longer. Well, two things, to be honest. But they sort of correlate. It's all sort of hitting me now. It might be because I'm pregnant, so my hormones are causing some emotions to surface much more easily. Who knows! But here goes.

I've discovered that I'm quite highly dependent on others around me. That is because I am a highly sensitive person, therefore I am great affected by how others are around me. Such as, what they say, good or bad, how they act, good or bad, and what they think of me, or what I think they think of me. It's just who I am and if I deny it, I won't ever process it enough to embrace it and use it for good. So I'm not denying it, I'm going to confess it and let this process the way it should. Hence, this blog post.

About 4.5 years ago, I founded You Matter Stories with a friend of mine from church. She was a fashion designer dreamer and I thought having access to fashion would be the best career ever. Because of my anxieties to work for a corrupt company, or worldly company, I knew that creating my own business, or company, would be a far better solution to being able to work in a place that fully accepts God and His goodness. Long story short, I lost this partnership when she was not able to dedicate her time and talent while I was left extremely passionate. At that point, I decided to keep looking for others to join. 

The point is, I naturally kept looking for other people to join me. As if the whole point of running a business for me was to create a team. However, I did accept the fact that I was at it on my own and I put a lot of my time and money into creating the website, business cards, ideas, etc. I would then find someone, such as a model, or friend, and be able to begin making story videos. At that point, I dropped the whole fashion side of things until I could figure out how to incorporate it back into the picture. I constantly tried recruiting my sister, but I ended up moving to Oregon.

Everything went downhill for me from there, concerning my career goals. I got into a relationship, got distracted instead, and then pursued an older dream--marriage! I do not regret that at all, as I love being married and I love being a wife and sharing my daily life with someone. But I sort of left the business plans at a weird spot. I lost all my connections and reputation from moving. And it made it easy to let the business that barely begun...die down.

I attempted revival. Multiple times. I even had a launch party! But along the way, I found myself doing exactly what I did when it was founded. I constantly had the need to include someone and invite them into my business world and welcome their talents (if they were interested). 

But unfortunately, they all (yes, all) ended in a dramatic and somehow tragic loss of friendship or connection. It was so natural for me want to include someone. However, I was then treated as someone "using" these people. It hurt a lot, as I did not gain any sort of money nor lack to credit or thank them. I suppose I made the mistake of trusting too easily, and assuming I was helping them pursue their own dreams. There was never an argument on my end until they would catch me off guard completely. 

But 3/4 of them were my actual friends. And what they did truly hurt me. Each one was a new reason why the business would get put on hold yet again. Why my dreams and ideas would be swept away and I would end up just crying to my husband, deciding I guess I'd be on my own. And he'd comfort me, and he'd tell me I did nothing wrong, they were just too young, or too immature, etc. At that point, I'd decide I'm going to suck it up, I'm going to just do it all by myself again. 

Next thing you know, I'd make a new friend. I'd get excited all over again that they liked modeling and they loved fashion. I'd find out if they have dreams too and what are they, etc. One friend, the last one I attempted to make, was amazing! She was so encouraging and sweet, and she wanted to jump on board with me and create together! I was shocked, amazed, and excited! I told her I was making no money from it at the moment, but they together we could use it to eventually build a business because I just switched my idea to renting out my wardrobe that I had been collecting for over a year to originally use for my story videos of models. 

She was totally on board, I even bought her a cute "Babe Support Babes" t-shirt. Then, when my birthday approached, she got distant and got sick. It took about 2-3 months after that before I actually heard her reasonings, or apologies. In that time, I (unfortunately) naturally lost motivation being alone again. On top of that, I got distracted on deciding I wanted to be a mom and me and my husband tried for pregnancy and miraculously succeeded after 2 months of trying! I was thankful!

By the time I heard back from this friend, she explained that she was going through a lot of stress not having a job and ended up taking on 3! I was understanding to her and she said she was so thankful at how nice I was. I told her I wasn't sure if maybe I was asking too much of her time before, and she assured me it had nothing to do with me and she felt bad. With my spirits lifted over this friendship, I decided to just focus on us as friends, and not push or worry about the business now that she had a busy schedule (the unfortunate struggle I always deal with when working with others anyway, haha).  

At this point, my focus was really on just taking care of myself with early pregnancy symptoms. I honestly just needed a friend and wasn't too worried about the business plans I had on hold (yet again). 

But one night, one random night, I receive a message from this friend asking me to "just give her the unedited photos" so she can "edit them [herself]." I was really caught off guard, as she was referring to a random second part shoot we did right before working on the business together because she was helping me get shots of some of the dresses for when I launched. Because I hadn't launched yet, and clearly hadn't had her helping me for months when she took time to herself, I hadn't quite needed those photos and I was sick a lot from nausea and pregnancy. 

I was truly caught off guard. I told my husband right away. My hands were shaking, my heart was pounding, and my pregnant self was freaking out. Terrified to mess this friendship up. But the truth was, I did not have photos for her to share yet because I told her (before taking the photos in the first place), we'd get some now to be used later. She agreed to help me. I had already helped her by shooting her own outfit, in which those photos were delivered right away because I thought she did fantastic and was excited to get her some shots from it. But the second half the day we were hanging out, I randomly asked if she'd be open to helping me get shots of future rental dresses. So, the photos she's asking for are ones I do not want her to share yet, however I'd give her copies when I was ready since I LOVED the photos.

As you can guess, I was very, very surprised at her behaviour over it all, as she accused me of "using" her to benefit for my business. Thinking logically, it's comical, sadly. How could I benefit from photos I never used? For a business that has gone nowhere lately and has not even made me any money? A business that hadn't launched (the rentals)? What on earth was happening!? This was a sweet, sweet girl. A good new friend I was so happy to have made. My husband was my witness, he loved that I made a new friend and how happy I was that she and I had similar values and beliefs. But this moment... her words.. they hurt me. She blocked me after it all and removed my tag from the photo she put up that I took of her (models do this when they're angry, makes no sense to remove credit, makes more sense to remove the photo). 

I was totally beaten down at this point. I was hopeless in knowing who to trust. I felt like I kept losing friendships over silly reasons. Now, I'm a very forgiving person, but I also don't pick fights with people and usually it's something totally out of the blue and it's hard for me to know how to handle it because I'm such a people pleaser (it's stressful haha). But I was very hurt by what she did. 

Honestly, to this day, I'm still grieving the last friend who did this to me right before her, because that friend was like a sister to me. I miss her to this day. We never had an argument before it went down, in fact, it wasn't even an argument when she turned on me. She went silent for 3 weeks after I had dinner at her new place. I had fun. We laughed and whatnot, went shopping, ate good food, etc. My husband was with me too, he saw the whole thing. It was all positive. I invited her over to our place next and when the day came, I didn't hear from her at all. I kept asking if she's still coming. It wasn't until 3 weeks later she called me to "catch up" and then explained I made a joke that hurt her feelings (it was a joke she made, but something I went along with not knowing she was sensitive about it. 

Now this friend was 11 years younger than me. I usually didn't let anything bother me because our age difference was huge. I just loved her like a little sister and that was it. I wish she would have told me in the moment that the joke hurt. I would have taken it back, I would have apologized immediately, and I would have learned more about her. I'm that person. I truly am. You tell me you don't like it, I stop. You go silent though, how will I know? I am all about communication. In her case, she messed up. She didn't communicate. But instead, it turned into her putting me in place where I felt afraid. 

Then 2 days after we cleared the air, she did something really inconsiderate and it kinda made me feel frustrated. It was silly though. Not worth ending a friendship over. But she showed me a picture of a dress at Goodwill. Now, our thing as friends was thrifting for dresses, so this was a normal thing. It was too big on her and she was showing me though knowing I would have liked it. I said, "If you're not going to get it, I'll pay you to grab it for me!" (Now, not for ME to wear, for the rental business, it was also not my size but was way too big on her for sure). She said, "Okay if it's still there I'll grab it for you!"

Things felt normal for us again at this point. Until later that night she sends a picture of her wearing it, holding the back (showing it's clearly too big) and said, "I love it and I decided I'm gonna keep it!" I was shocked, thinking, wait, she wasn't going to buy it and I asked her to grab it and that I'd pay her to get it, she agrees, and then later decides she'd keep it? I suppose that's where her much younger age was obvious. So, I decided to communicate in that moment! I told her how it made me feel and that I hope she can understand it. 

So she went silent again for 2 days and one day I woke up to the longest text I've ever received in my life. And it was a text stating everything she didn't like about me for the past year of our friendship. How I'm toxic, how she did a lot for me and I didn't do much for her. How I didn't thank her for helping me at my launch party (which I did multiple times and she never seemed bothered by that day for a year). How her mom and boyfriend think I'm bad for her (weird, her mom personally told me she things I'm such a good friend to her). And the list continued on, such as how I was using her for my business, etc. None of which was true as I showed my husband and my long-distant best friend the whole message to ask them what they think because I was bawling my eyes out mourning the loss of a friend I truly valued. 

Mind you, she suffered with BPD. I was surprised she kept a happy attitude for over a year of friendship with me, to be honest. I've had BPD friends in the past. I'm still their friend, I love those people, but yes, they also hurt me because I'm HSP (highly sensitive person). Which is probably the worst type of person to become friends with someone who suffers highs and lows. Their lows are really gonna hurt me! But, I forgive. I love anyway. I know they can't help it.

But it does not take away from the fact that she hurt me. And it has been almost a year since she ended it all. I've never had someone do that over a silly reason, but it happened. She's disappeared from my life like that. She took back donated items (well, technically she told me NOT to use the items and then failed to come pick them up so they're not taking up space in a box in my garage). 

It was sorta traumatizing how it happened. Like, how can you honestly predict this when you meet people? Do you just accept that every new friend may do this? 

She was a reason I stopped my business again, I just had no idea. I was discouraged. I was alone in it all again. And by business, I don't really mean business so much as I mean dreams. Like, pursuing talents and things you loved. We both loved fashion. She was going to design, I was going to sew and photograph and run the website. We were passionate. But when I lost her, I lost the desire to do anything. I was grieving still. 

I finally picked myself up again when I eventually met a new friend. And, as I mentioned above, that became the friend who ended a friendship over not yet receiving images taken for the business that wasn't launched. 

And once again, I was alone. 

I've learned, that what drives me, what pushes me, what motivates me...is the fire I get when I share a passion and work on something with someone else. And the only reason I wasn't succeeding on my own is because I didn't have a desire to do it by myself. It would never be enough to do it. It's why every time I lost a friend or I lost help, I would get knocked back 1000 steps. 

It has taken me time to really put that in front of me and admit, "Stephanie, you are not moving forward anymore because you don't want to do it by yourself." The dream I had was founded with a friend in the first place. I think I've been trying to replace her ever since then. I feel most motivated when I'm around others who are succeeding. Because when I'm alone, I'm not succeeding.

It is why I love being married. Because when I was trying to embrace single life, I failed over and over and would end up crying all the time. I wanted a partner in life, I wanted endless hugs, and endless laughter. I struggled for so many years (and yet I didn't date, miraculously haha). I needed the companionship to feel my best. 

I'm so thankful for my very supportive husband, who is an amazing provider and best friend. He laughs with me, goes on adventures with me, drives me to the store for my super random reasons, half the time without even hesitating. He just knows me so well and I knew that when I dreamed it for years, it's because I knew that I was meant for companionship. I was meant for teamwork. Because alone, I don't feel quite motivated or right. I don't feel good enough. But yes, it does matter if it's a good person to work with. I'm clearly affected by the negative! But that's the case for many team-driven people. 

So, as I move forward, I am reminding myself that I am not a failure. I'm not lacking to "succeed" with my ideas because I'm bad at it. But it's because I am most inspired and motivated when I had one or more people succeeding with me. And without that, I simply feel like I'm searching for that "partner" in business. 

We are not meant to be alone. We are made for each other. God made two humans in the beginning because He knew that alone, the human wouldn't succeed. So to anyone who says they're independent, that they don't know people--it's most likely because you're not alone. These people I've heard say this happen to be people that have support by friends and family. Some people lack to realize the importance of the people around them. And then you have someone like me come along and recognize straight up, "I need people." We all do have different needs, I understand that. Some prefer to work alone physically, but they'll need support in other ways. 

You can't say you like being alone until you're left alone for months. Then you'll realize and know that a part of survival, is people. It's companionship. Could be friendships. Could be family. Could be marriage. Could be anything relationship-related. We need people.

And my dream is not to run this business alone. I'd rather focus on becoming a mom than accept doing something alone. I made the mistake by accepting it over and over and that mindset is not working for me anymore. Time to move on!

Dear Future Husband, Where Are You?

Dear future husband,

Alright, so I've been pretty patient for a while, but it's wearing down slowly. I actually reached a point where I've been totally fine about not being married with kids by now at age 26. I think that's pretty great because in my past I was so afraid of not meeting anyone by this age. Yet here I am, totally fine with still being single. I'm even fine with having that "one failed relationship" which my past self would have freaked out over. It's like I actually feel like the rest of the world and that comforts me.

But now that almost a year has gone by since my breakup, I've come a long way and changed a lot! And I'm happy with it! But at the back of my mind, I find myself wondering about you again and thinking how amazing it would be to go on adventures together and get to know each other at a deep level. Because now you're just an imagination, but I know that someday you'll pop up out of nowhere and we'll connect strongly.

But my question is...where are you? I know the only answer I'll ever get is the day I meet you and even then, I may not know. But I imagine it'll be a fun time. I finally feel ready for you to come again (remember when I used to feel so ready ages ago in old letters? Haha.) Who knows when the time is. At this point I'm just open to whenever. I haven't found anyone interesting to date, so I've been embracing that single life, traveling solo and exploring solo. I've been so much better at it, trying to influence and see people along the way. I'm hoping that one of my adventures will lead me to you.

Just want you to know that I'm really into this whole entrepreneur life. Sort of hoping you'll be down for that journey with me, starting businesses, running businesses, and changing the world. I could totally see myself falling for another entrepreneur, or at least someone with similar attributes. Really hoping you'll enjoy music with me and being creative together. Photo shoot dates will be a must and I'll probably request them every so often. Just be prepared for a crazy future together! I'm not going to ask for anything less than that from our good LORD in Heaven.

He knows where you're at. I guess that's what matters most. I'm praying for you. I'll be waiting.

Love,
Stephanie Ann

On Time.

Today was one of those days where I received something I needed without even knowing I needed it. It was a day where God surprised me with a new friend that I would have never guessed would be exactly the person I needed a talk with. And after that talk I could feel less alone in a few things and understood. I could listen to her past pain and hear her story and somehow it made me feel more strength. Because I was sitting across from someone who views life a lot like I view it. We believe in what we want and we go after it, while loving hard along the way.

My heart is still healing and as it does I am thankful for the people God brings along to make me even stronger. I love hearing stories because it shows me a greater picture of who God is and the more people I know, the more that story becomes whole. Getting to know God is a never-ending process because that's how great He is. I will never fully know Him and therefore I will never have reason to stop listening. There will always be something new to learn and I'm so happy I serve a God like that.

I believe there are great things ahead of me and I know that my heart will always be in His hands. I know that the person I still miss and tear up over even to this day is still being cared for deeply. I know that my heart is strong, my heart is genuine, and it's soft and I'm so very thankful that God got me through the toughest parts in each of my situations. I refuse to let my heart harden because I know that will never do me any good. I am a forgiver. I am graceful. I am understanding. I am loving. And most importantly, I am forgiven, understood, and loved.

To the man who still resides in my heart, this I pray:
I pray that no matter what you lose, what you go through, and what dangers might come your way that you always turn to God. I pray that you never forget your importance. I pray that you learn to love and make the right decisions because even though I haven't told you I forgive you, I do. Even though we don't speak, I think about you every single day. I remember everything we shared and I value all of our memories. I am sorry for my anger and I pray that God guides you to where you are meant to be. As much as I wish you'd come back so I could hug you once again, I know that no matter what, God will always be with you. And because He is my connection to you, I know I can always pray for you.

I hope the people you need come your way and I will continue to fight the emotions that come my way as I miss you. I hope you find your worth in God and that someday we can be okay.

It's going to be okay because God's got this.

I Don't Know How Not to Miss You.

Well, let's just face the facts again.

I miss you and I don't know how not to miss you. I can be happy, laughing, having a grand ol' day living my life, growing, moving forward, planning, and becoming someone greater. But at the end of the night, I'm basically faced with what is still in my heart. And that's where you happen to be. I think of all the good times, but really, I just think of you in general. I think your existence always meant something to me and too many times I have asked God why I must feel the way I do. I ask Him all too often how long this will last. I just keep wondering.

And I keep wondering because I know you're absent and without you here, thinking of you will only leave me tearing up in the end. I think that eventually I have to stop missing you otherwise eventually you'd have to come back and prove to me you'll stay this time. But see, both of those two options seem so impossible. And now I realize that the easiest way for me to accept this is to stop denying it. Sounds simple, but you'd be surprised at how much it's not.

Let's see. The hardest part is everyone around me probably wondering why on earth I'd still be dreaming of you. They probably think I shouldn't miss you, but that's the thing; these people never knew you the way I knew you. They also never loved you the way I loved you. Perhaps I'm the only one on this earth who took that much time and that much love out of my heart for you. But that's what makes me kind of special, I guess.

This is the hardest special award for me to possess. Because of this, I just keep missing you. It's like you should be here, but for now you just are not. And since you are not, I am waiting. But yet at the same time I've put no hold on my future. I am thankful that I can continuously move forward without hesitation, but it doesn't stop the pondering. I then wonder, would you be proud of me? Would you take back everything you said and thought if you actually knew me beyond the filter you put over me? Would you break down and shatter in front of me just to be with me? Probably not, seeing as how you're nowhere in sight.

But I'm failing quite miserably in forgetting you. I will never forget you. You hold so many of my "firsts," and now no one but you will have that. Your hand was probably my favorite hand to hold because it was the only one that fit so well inside mine. I'm afraid that if I will keep missing you, since I do not know how to stop, and that the only way to get over this is to meet someone grander than you. But in order to meet someone grander, I'm convinced I must move on from you. You see the problem there? I'm in a pickle and all I know right now is there's still something special and unique in you that I am just not completely me without.

I'm better now. So much better now. I'm motivated, I'm inspired, and I'm determined. But I miss your encouragement with all of my heart. I miss your enthusiasm when I shared my ideas. I miss it all and I think we needed this break in order to make us better. And that's the saddest part of all. Because with this break, you might never come back. Without it, I wouldn't have learned why on earth I loved you and what it feels like to be angry and stand up for myself. I wouldn't know what I really desire and why I really deserve without the breaking of us. But at the same time, I think that is what would make a better us and now I can only pray God leads you back to me. Because if you're not meant to come back, I really don't want to miss you anymore.

But here I am again.

Remembering
every
single
thing
we
shared.

Moving On.

Well, it is time for my world to shift and everything to change yet again. It is time I move on with all the wisdom I gained along the way. I will never be able to explain the "why's" in my life, but I know the One who can. All the unexpected events in my life in the past few years to continues to show how we truly don't know what the future holds and that anything--absolutely anything--can change at any moment without consent. With that being the case, we can only plan so much and so far ahead before it's too much and too soon.

Faith isn't believing in what you see in front of you. No. Faith is believing in what you cannot see. And if that is the case, in order to have faith in God over my future, I must believe in all the things I cannot see. I cannot see where He will take me in the future no matter how much I plan. And the more I plan, the more disappointed I become when most of it fails to fall into place. This is God's blessing in disguise for my life. It looks like He's just disrupting my hopes and dreams, but He's not. No, He's rather giving me a story worth telling. One that can help at least one other person gain hope and see joy after a storm.

Here's to my next journey. It won't be here in this blog so I'm starting a new one. I have an intro blog up and will soon be writing about some emotions that tend to try to come along. I will write about the negative effects as well as the positive effects. I will write about the mini surprises along the way as well as the big surprises. I will write about anger, the kind that is hard to get rid of but the kind I fight through for the sake of love.

If you want to follow along, please feel free.
http://hellounexpected.blogspot.com/

Moving on!

The Dark Season.

I've been in a dark season lately. It is an odd feeling and sometimes too much to bear. I turn to God every moment I feel worse and whisper prayers daily just to get through. I want to know that someday I can look back on this dark season though and be so thankful I made it through. I know that time is the only thing to fight now, but along with time I can feel the side effects of fear, anxiety, sadness, confusion, and dissatisfaction.

This past month I have fed myself as spiritually as I could. I have connected with people from my church, I have shared concerns with loved ones, and I have found uplifting songs to help me remember that God is with me and that all will be alright. I have read books as well, specifically one to remind me that no matter what life brings us, God is able. This idea that God is able has helped me believe that what I'm going through can serve a beautiful purpose. I refuse to step away from God and live life without His comfort.

This dark season is a time that I had to let go of a best friend. I had to let go of all the things I cherished and all the treasures I gave away to someone whom I had no idea would walk away so quickly. Our story was my favorite one because of how often our paths crossed. And now I'm at this point where all I can do is look up to God just to ask, "Why did this happen to me?" And yet I know that God can turn this all around and make a way where there seems to be no way. I know God can transform my heart as well as the heart of others involved. I know this because God is ABLE.

Please, future Stephanie. Please keep walking forward. Please look back on this someday, look back on this blog, and see that you are capable because of God's ability and power. Please don't give up and wait for the storm to pass so that the rainbow can shine bright and the birds can sing songs of praise to the King who has every intention to get you through.

When you walk on, walk on with hope. God will make a way.

God will make a way.

He is able.

Those God Moments.

Today was a regular day. I got up in the morning, I found out I didn't have to work as early as I thought, I fell back asleep, I laid around until it was time to get up, get ready, and get out of the apartment. I arrived at the high school that hosted a day camp for kids through my church and I photographed the little moments all around me. I walked quietly to my car to take a break and I sat there in silence. Life continues forward.

I finished up the day and took a quick stop by the church office to sit down with a supervisor for the internship I have. We filled out some paperwork I needed, I said my thanks, and walked out. I sat back in my car and endured the rush hour traffic of what should have been a 15 minute drive but was instead doubled as I slowly made my way East on the 210 freeway. Good afternoon, Southern California. What's for dinner?

I returned to my room where my roommate was laying on her bed, occupied by her tablet. We chatted for a bit, snacking on our M&M's. This was a normal day. A very, very normal day. When she left to see her fiance, I sat back in the room and was alone. I was hungry, so I got up and heated up a hot pocket. Returning, I decided to turn on my laptop and pick out a movie. I resulted to a movie about a girl who meets a celebrity boy and although very opposite, they learn so much from each other. In the end, they're completely different people, conquering life to the best of their abilities.

My very regular and normal day then turned into one of those moments. I call them "almost God moments" because they are the moments that happen right before God happens. It is the moment where I allow the sudden silence to surround me and out come whispers of who I am, where I am, and what I dream to be. After these whispers occur, I look at everything around me and out the window at the trees, the cars, and anything moving. I then listen to the little noises and think, "This is life and something grand can happen now if I only believe it and ask for it."

That's what enters me into the God moment. I can only look up to the Creator to wonder about His greatness. He can go beyond my imagination to bring forth something far greater than I can dream up. I know I must come to Him with faith as big as it can get so that my answer can be just as big, if not beyond what I ask.

I decide to stand inside my closet area that is blocked off by curtains. This I call my prayer room, prayer space, or prayer closet. This is where the spiritual war takes place. My prayers begin and next thing I know I am lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling in nearly darkness, praying to the God who never fails me. My words turn into fighting words as I pray for loved ones. I then pinpoint a specific person currently in my heart and the words keep flowing.

It is in those God moments that everything around me can feel different. It is during those God moments that my faith increases, my strength increases, and my love increases. I begin to pray for a heart that isn't mine, a life that I have no control over, and a pain I cannot fix. I pray for God to reach deep into their soul and turn their sorrows into laughter, their weakness into strength, their failures into victories! And I cannot get myself to stop. Tears flow down as I pray God disrupts their path and fills them with an overwhelming sense of love, of peace, of joy. I pray He breaks them down so much so that they cannot help but wonder, question, and seek the answer to what is happening in their heart.

God has taught me through the people who have come into my life that I am capable of loving. He has taught me that my imagination for the perfect person is not as grand as His own creations of people who are real, who are broken, who are capable of being vulnerable and worthy. God has taught me that there is power in prayer, there is strength when I seek it and that there is nothing more mighty than Him. God has showed me moments of brokenness that lead to moments of joy and how very, very possible miracles are.

Today was a regular day until God showed up and reminded me...He is able.