Change, People, and Myself.

God has changed me in a ways I would have never imagined. He has opened my eyes to things I didn't see before and He has healed wounds I didn't know I even had. He has also helped me look back at my past with mercy, so that I can forgive myself and move on. He has placed in my life the people I need for all this change, and He has taught me something new through each one. Today I am someone that may be still growing, but I'm definitely in a better place. My heart has been healed, and more wounds have been healed as well. God has done a tremendous amount of mending and I still pray for more of it.

It's funny to think about what got me to where I am today. It was curiosity. And maybe slight impatience at one point. I was forced to wait on many things, like being accepted into my current University, or going to England when I did, and also moving out of the house. It all took time, but my curiosity and impatience helped me take a leap of faith. I was so excited and so determined to change my life and God did exactly that for me. But it's funny because I still remember clearly what curiosity I had. My one question was, "Who is out there?"

People can make such a vast difference in someone's life. We need people. God has purpose for all the people on this earth. All the while here I am, one human being, and I have come to really get to know my own heart. It finds comfort in helping people. I love to encourage, deepen faith, and help people feel excited. Happiness and joy is so very important. But at the same time, I've come to understand sorrows, pain, and the many hardships we can undergo in this world. I've had my fair share of battles and trials, and I've also had a nice amount of victories.

God has been changing me to become a stronger person to help others, and I find a nice amount of beauty in that fact. Me? Someone who grew up shy, quiet, and reserved is suddenly talkative, loud, and open? I can't say I've left the shy version of myself--she shows up here and there. But I've been called to speak, to share, and God has showed me that I have a voice and a story to tell. I know that because He gave me this story, and I've been able to use it to help people. I wouldn't change that fact no matter how hard previous trials were. I like to look back and see how much God really did help me through.

I request one thing from God: Send me the people I can speak to and encourage.

Here I am.

Anxiety? Overwhelmed?

Why am I suddenly afraid? I think back on memories, how far I've come, how much I know, and how vulnerable I allowed myself to be. But suddenly I have this urge to run, as if I'm overwhelmed with new feelings that I'm completely not used to. Running is obviously not a rational solution, nor a smart thing to do. Running, in fact, will lead me straight into the problem with the possibilities of making it worse for myself. It doesn't matter how vague I make this to be, I know exactly what I'm speaking of.

Have I put up a wall, or some form of blockage leading into my heart? Or have I put my guard down for the first time? What could possibly be causing this anxiety inside of me? Is my actual fear on letting someone into my heart? I crave a nearness and fear a nearness. This is just not making sense to me. I have dreams that I will have to be with the wrong person, which reveals to me a hidden fear. Am I just simply afraid of letting anyone in? But then it's the sudden realization that I've never quite had the chance to feel it.

There is a world so foreign to me that just a glimpse of it causes me to feel homesick. I'm comfortable in one type of setting, but I'm not here to just live in my comfort zone. I want to step out, I do. But the unknown lies ahead and I'm not sure how I'll handle it. It was fine and dandy beforehand, but what can I say? I know perfectly well how to handle what I'm used to. It's not that anyone is asking me for more than friendship, but it's the idea of it happening. When I actually consider the possibilities of it happening someday, I realize how fearful it oddly makes me feel.

Beyond all of these feelings though, I am thankful that I have a God who cares for me. He will help me through and comfort me when I need it. I've got so much to look forward to, with a new semester in college starting, and some great people in my life to help me along the way. I'm learning how to handle these new situations and let go of past hurt. God's definitely got this. :)

Dearest Two-Thousand-Fourteen.

Dear 2014,

You're just around the corner now, and so I'm finally writing you this letter before we meet. This past year has  been a crazy one for me. I made my own guesses before it came of what it'd be like, and to my surprise it was almost what I predicted, only in many different ways. I followed some dreams, stepped out of my comfort zone, experienced new things, and took many leaps of faith that changed my whole world. I now sit in my apartment writing you this letter to say that I'm utterly excited to accept you.

I'm not sure what you'll bring me, but I have much hope over it. I'm working on holding onto hope, trusting completely in God with the  new things in my life, and also trusting His providence. I've gained and lost many things within one year, so I'm feeling quite ready for a fresh new start. I know you're just another 365 days to count, but the idea of starting over is refreshing, and so you're, in a sense, my excuse.

It's crazy that I had this huge plan for 2013, but for you I have a form of blind faith. I haven't even looked that far ahead. The most that I know is I'm taking a bus trip home, the opposite of what I did a year beforehand, and I'm visiting family and shooting a wedding before heading back for the new semester. I don't think I've even tried looking past that at all! Maybe I'll leave you to be a complete surprise, because I've found my new place and I'm moving along one day at a time. I'm considering counseling at a camp in the summer, so that's one idea. But for the most part, I now have school to keep me occupied 2/3rds of the year.

I do have one request, not that you have the power to grant it. But I really would like to go uphill more often. I don't want to lose anyone again, the way I lost my dad. I'm not sure my heart could take it. I also have many dreams that have seemed unreachable, and I'm still questioning what path to actually take. I'd like to discover that path though, and see what God has for me. I also want to fill the year with a lot more love to give, and to not shy away in fear. I've always dealt with the fear of displeasing people too, and it unfortunately affects the way I think and act. I just want to really be able to love nonetheless to everyone whom God puts in my life.

I look forward to your coming. I guess I'll just let you surprise me.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann of 2013.