To Back Away.

I know this may be silly, but I have found myself at a place where I cannot help but question why on earth I dragged myself through a tough situation for years. I am nearing my two-year mark of living without that situation, being freed and made new, yet I can't help but feel ashamed. I know I can stand unashamed in front of God, but this human part of me wishes I never had to say I suffered that way. This has caused me to fear loving completely because it always came with tears in the past. How silly is that?

I have now moved on, made new friends, made a new life, but then I had to go and meet an individual who would change my life. And I find myself wanting to love him, even as just a friend, but I can't help but associate that with my choice to love a broken person in the past and being hurt at the same time. I'm so very tired of this because I thought I overcame this. I did overcome this, but these feelings, desires, and human abilities--they remind me so very much of what I already went through. Can't these memories just dissipate? Can they just leave me alone for once?

I'm suddenly finding myself with the want to back away, to pretend this never happened, and to silently confess to him I cannot be his friend. He doesn't deserve to be placed as the friend I could only "wish to love." I want him happy, and I want him to find that happiness and I don't ever want to hold him back from that just because I selfishly wish I could make him happy. I don't want to make him feel like he has to be careful around me. He is too good for that and I wish I could just easily remove myself from his memory so that I never looked for him, never found him, and never cried over the walls I see around him.

God, I am so sorry I've found myself in this hole again. You've worked so hard at fixing me, molding me, and loving me. I've grown so much, I've made it through, and then I decided I would be a great friend to him. I decided I would love despite my fears, give as much as I can, and trust that You wouldn't let me fall. But here I am, realizing I don't think I can actually do this. I forget what You've said to me, and I don't understand Your ways, but surely You wouldn't want me to bring him down because of my lack of confidence and self-security?

I'm still his friend because I don't have the heart to break it, but I'm slowly getting to that one step  before walking away so that he could find what he's looking for because I am not sure I can watch. I'm weak, and I guess what I'm really saying is I need You right now to change my mind.

My Other Half.

One day I'm going to discover the other half of me. The half of me that would make me more weird, but in whole weirdness instead of half. One day I'm going to discover the half of me that understands the things I'm unable to understand on my own. One day I'm going to discover the half of me that sleeps on the left side of the bed when I want the right. One day I'm going to discover the other half of me that thinks logically when I'm stuck with emotions.

In that day I will see that God only knew what I was missing. He won't be perfect. He'll be imperfect. But he'll understand my need for adventure and he'll lead the way. He'll laugh without being rude in his humor and he'll believe in me. I guess this seems like I have the exact image of him, but the truth is...I don't. I just know what part of him will help me see him. He can favor fish over chicken or tea over soda, and we'll be opposite in that--but I won't mind. He can also be just like me and like all the same foods. The point is, I don't care what he'll favor more because I'll value his opinion nonetheless.

But his speech. I long to marry a man full of speech that lifts me up--dare I ever limit myself to the contrary. He'll talk with intelligence in ways I can't and I'll hold onto the things that I know better. We'll teach each other all the things we individually know and become so in sync that the world will be in the most healthy form of jealous. I could be dreaming, but this is what would win my heart over.

I'm going to discover the other half of me that represents God in the ways I just cannot. The masculine side of God I dare not possess and I'll be the feminine part of God that he cannot represent. Together we will be a more complete image of a glimpse of God. This other half of mine will be passionate for God, longing to spread his word in action. We will spread love in all the ways that we can and give the hopeless hope.

One day I'm going to discover the other half of me that will understand how it feels to want this.