On Time.

Today was one of those days where I received something I needed without even knowing I needed it. It was a day where God surprised me with a new friend that I would have never guessed would be exactly the person I needed a talk with. And after that talk I could feel less alone in a few things and understood. I could listen to her past pain and hear her story and somehow it made me feel more strength. Because I was sitting across from someone who views life a lot like I view it. We believe in what we want and we go after it, while loving hard along the way.

My heart is still healing and as it does I am thankful for the people God brings along to make me even stronger. I love hearing stories because it shows me a greater picture of who God is and the more people I know, the more that story becomes whole. Getting to know God is a never-ending process because that's how great He is. I will never fully know Him and therefore I will never have reason to stop listening. There will always be something new to learn and I'm so happy I serve a God like that.

I believe there are great things ahead of me and I know that my heart will always be in His hands. I know that the person I still miss and tear up over even to this day is still being cared for deeply. I know that my heart is strong, my heart is genuine, and it's soft and I'm so very thankful that God got me through the toughest parts in each of my situations. I refuse to let my heart harden because I know that will never do me any good. I am a forgiver. I am graceful. I am understanding. I am loving. And most importantly, I am forgiven, understood, and loved.

To the man who still resides in my heart, this I pray:
I pray that no matter what you lose, what you go through, and what dangers might come your way that you always turn to God. I pray that you never forget your importance. I pray that you learn to love and make the right decisions because even though I haven't told you I forgive you, I do. Even though we don't speak, I think about you every single day. I remember everything we shared and I value all of our memories. I am sorry for my anger and I pray that God guides you to where you are meant to be. As much as I wish you'd come back so I could hug you once again, I know that no matter what, God will always be with you. And because He is my connection to you, I know I can always pray for you.

I hope the people you need come your way and I will continue to fight the emotions that come my way as I miss you. I hope you find your worth in God and that someday we can be okay.

It's going to be okay because God's got this.

I Don't Know How Not to Miss You.

Well, let's just face the facts again.

I miss you and I don't know how not to miss you. I can be happy, laughing, having a grand ol' day living my life, growing, moving forward, planning, and becoming someone greater. But at the end of the night, I'm basically faced with what is still in my heart. And that's where you happen to be. I think of all the good times, but really, I just think of you in general. I think your existence always meant something to me and too many times I have asked God why I must feel the way I do. I ask Him all too often how long this will last. I just keep wondering.

And I keep wondering because I know you're absent and without you here, thinking of you will only leave me tearing up in the end. I think that eventually I have to stop missing you otherwise eventually you'd have to come back and prove to me you'll stay this time. But see, both of those two options seem so impossible. And now I realize that the easiest way for me to accept this is to stop denying it. Sounds simple, but you'd be surprised at how much it's not.

Let's see. The hardest part is everyone around me probably wondering why on earth I'd still be dreaming of you. They probably think I shouldn't miss you, but that's the thing; these people never knew you the way I knew you. They also never loved you the way I loved you. Perhaps I'm the only one on this earth who took that much time and that much love out of my heart for you. But that's what makes me kind of special, I guess.

This is the hardest special award for me to possess. Because of this, I just keep missing you. It's like you should be here, but for now you just are not. And since you are not, I am waiting. But yet at the same time I've put no hold on my future. I am thankful that I can continuously move forward without hesitation, but it doesn't stop the pondering. I then wonder, would you be proud of me? Would you take back everything you said and thought if you actually knew me beyond the filter you put over me? Would you break down and shatter in front of me just to be with me? Probably not, seeing as how you're nowhere in sight.

But I'm failing quite miserably in forgetting you. I will never forget you. You hold so many of my "firsts," and now no one but you will have that. Your hand was probably my favorite hand to hold because it was the only one that fit so well inside mine. I'm afraid that if I will keep missing you, since I do not know how to stop, and that the only way to get over this is to meet someone grander than you. But in order to meet someone grander, I'm convinced I must move on from you. You see the problem there? I'm in a pickle and all I know right now is there's still something special and unique in you that I am just not completely me without.

I'm better now. So much better now. I'm motivated, I'm inspired, and I'm determined. But I miss your encouragement with all of my heart. I miss your enthusiasm when I shared my ideas. I miss it all and I think we needed this break in order to make us better. And that's the saddest part of all. Because with this break, you might never come back. Without it, I wouldn't have learned why on earth I loved you and what it feels like to be angry and stand up for myself. I wouldn't know what I really desire and why I really deserve without the breaking of us. But at the same time, I think that is what would make a better us and now I can only pray God leads you back to me. Because if you're not meant to come back, I really don't want to miss you anymore.

But here I am again.

Remembering
every
single
thing
we
shared.

Moving On.

Well, it is time for my world to shift and everything to change yet again. It is time I move on with all the wisdom I gained along the way. I will never be able to explain the "why's" in my life, but I know the One who can. All the unexpected events in my life in the past few years to continues to show how we truly don't know what the future holds and that anything--absolutely anything--can change at any moment without consent. With that being the case, we can only plan so much and so far ahead before it's too much and too soon.

Faith isn't believing in what you see in front of you. No. Faith is believing in what you cannot see. And if that is the case, in order to have faith in God over my future, I must believe in all the things I cannot see. I cannot see where He will take me in the future no matter how much I plan. And the more I plan, the more disappointed I become when most of it fails to fall into place. This is God's blessing in disguise for my life. It looks like He's just disrupting my hopes and dreams, but He's not. No, He's rather giving me a story worth telling. One that can help at least one other person gain hope and see joy after a storm.

Here's to my next journey. It won't be here in this blog so I'm starting a new one. I have an intro blog up and will soon be writing about some emotions that tend to try to come along. I will write about the negative effects as well as the positive effects. I will write about the mini surprises along the way as well as the big surprises. I will write about anger, the kind that is hard to get rid of but the kind I fight through for the sake of love.

If you want to follow along, please feel free.
http://hellounexpected.blogspot.com/

Moving on!

The Dark Season.

I've been in a dark season lately. It is an odd feeling and sometimes too much to bear. I turn to God every moment I feel worse and whisper prayers daily just to get through. I want to know that someday I can look back on this dark season though and be so thankful I made it through. I know that time is the only thing to fight now, but along with time I can feel the side effects of fear, anxiety, sadness, confusion, and dissatisfaction.

This past month I have fed myself as spiritually as I could. I have connected with people from my church, I have shared concerns with loved ones, and I have found uplifting songs to help me remember that God is with me and that all will be alright. I have read books as well, specifically one to remind me that no matter what life brings us, God is able. This idea that God is able has helped me believe that what I'm going through can serve a beautiful purpose. I refuse to step away from God and live life without His comfort.

This dark season is a time that I had to let go of a best friend. I had to let go of all the things I cherished and all the treasures I gave away to someone whom I had no idea would walk away so quickly. Our story was my favorite one because of how often our paths crossed. And now I'm at this point where all I can do is look up to God just to ask, "Why did this happen to me?" And yet I know that God can turn this all around and make a way where there seems to be no way. I know God can transform my heart as well as the heart of others involved. I know this because God is ABLE.

Please, future Stephanie. Please keep walking forward. Please look back on this someday, look back on this blog, and see that you are capable because of God's ability and power. Please don't give up and wait for the storm to pass so that the rainbow can shine bright and the birds can sing songs of praise to the King who has every intention to get you through.

When you walk on, walk on with hope. God will make a way.

God will make a way.

He is able.

Those God Moments.

Today was a regular day. I got up in the morning, I found out I didn't have to work as early as I thought, I fell back asleep, I laid around until it was time to get up, get ready, and get out of the apartment. I arrived at the high school that hosted a day camp for kids through my church and I photographed the little moments all around me. I walked quietly to my car to take a break and I sat there in silence. Life continues forward.

I finished up the day and took a quick stop by the church office to sit down with a supervisor for the internship I have. We filled out some paperwork I needed, I said my thanks, and walked out. I sat back in my car and endured the rush hour traffic of what should have been a 15 minute drive but was instead doubled as I slowly made my way East on the 210 freeway. Good afternoon, Southern California. What's for dinner?

I returned to my room where my roommate was laying on her bed, occupied by her tablet. We chatted for a bit, snacking on our M&M's. This was a normal day. A very, very normal day. When she left to see her fiance, I sat back in the room and was alone. I was hungry, so I got up and heated up a hot pocket. Returning, I decided to turn on my laptop and pick out a movie. I resulted to a movie about a girl who meets a celebrity boy and although very opposite, they learn so much from each other. In the end, they're completely different people, conquering life to the best of their abilities.

My very regular and normal day then turned into one of those moments. I call them "almost God moments" because they are the moments that happen right before God happens. It is the moment where I allow the sudden silence to surround me and out come whispers of who I am, where I am, and what I dream to be. After these whispers occur, I look at everything around me and out the window at the trees, the cars, and anything moving. I then listen to the little noises and think, "This is life and something grand can happen now if I only believe it and ask for it."

That's what enters me into the God moment. I can only look up to the Creator to wonder about His greatness. He can go beyond my imagination to bring forth something far greater than I can dream up. I know I must come to Him with faith as big as it can get so that my answer can be just as big, if not beyond what I ask.

I decide to stand inside my closet area that is blocked off by curtains. This I call my prayer room, prayer space, or prayer closet. This is where the spiritual war takes place. My prayers begin and next thing I know I am lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling in nearly darkness, praying to the God who never fails me. My words turn into fighting words as I pray for loved ones. I then pinpoint a specific person currently in my heart and the words keep flowing.

It is in those God moments that everything around me can feel different. It is during those God moments that my faith increases, my strength increases, and my love increases. I begin to pray for a heart that isn't mine, a life that I have no control over, and a pain I cannot fix. I pray for God to reach deep into their soul and turn their sorrows into laughter, their weakness into strength, their failures into victories! And I cannot get myself to stop. Tears flow down as I pray God disrupts their path and fills them with an overwhelming sense of love, of peace, of joy. I pray He breaks them down so much so that they cannot help but wonder, question, and seek the answer to what is happening in their heart.

God has taught me through the people who have come into my life that I am capable of loving. He has taught me that my imagination for the perfect person is not as grand as His own creations of people who are real, who are broken, who are capable of being vulnerable and worthy. God has taught me that there is power in prayer, there is strength when I seek it and that there is nothing more mighty than Him. God has showed me moments of brokenness that lead to moments of joy and how very, very possible miracles are.

Today was a regular day until God showed up and reminded me...He is able.

The Best.

Dear You,

I can give you reasons why you're the best and write up an essay as to why I believe you're incredible. I could also do the opposite, but that's the power of freewill. You see, I've chosen to paint a portrait of your best lest I bring you down. I always liked that I could see the whole of you, the good and the bad. But the most incredible part of that was the mere fact that there would always be something new to learn.

So here goes.

You could smile easily or laugh easily, but when that happiness disappeared, so did the sparkle in your eye. But I loved the way your eyes squinted and I loved when the sparkle was present. When you laughed, your entire body laughed with you. It brought a sense of joy upon me just to see you do so and during some cases, I would simply observe you just to enjoy that moment. I felt like I just knew you, all of you, somehow, and I felt special.

You would become super concentrated on certain tasks and I'd choose patience to wait on you in those moments. I could sit by you or stare at you across the room telling myself over and over, "Let him just be him." I fought the urges to tear you away from what you needed because I wanted to enjoy you, not criticize you. I often wondered who on earth would ever take that time to let you be you. But that single moment you chose to turn to me, usually followed by an apology, my smile would return and I'd remind myself how lucky I was that you chose me.

Your touch was never too forward. You were always so subtle. The way you would stroke my arm during cuddling or sometimes play with my hair were the tiniest moments that I recorded in my mind and can still play them in my head to this day. I waited so long for the moments that we shared and I always felt so certain with you. For once I was finally able to accept you instead of run from you, and I worked so hard at thoroughly enjoying your presence.

But I always go back to those eyes. You had this way of looking at me. And not just at me, but into my soul with the slightest yet most piercing subtle smile on your lips and I just wasn't on earth for a moment. This feeling you put in me always resulted to me reaching to touch your hair because I could not figure out how to handle such a moment.

I keep thinking you should be here, that you should have been sitting next to me in church. I keep thinking I should be holding your hand because no other hand fit so well with mine but yours. I keep thinking you'll come to my door with a bouquet of flowers confessing that you missed me and that you should have never walked away. I keep hoping because I can't help it. I keep hoping because I can't make sense of your absence all over again.

The timing hurts me because I endure summer without you last year and this year I kept looking forward to the sunshine with you. I looked forward to warm nights, star-gazing, camping, and beach trips. I looked forward to day trips and night cuddling with movies and maybe popcorn. You changed my world all over again and walking away was possibly the hardest thing I've done because this is the second time you let me go. The tears keep falling from my eyes and when they do...I can't stop them fast enough.

I'm going to be tough, but you were my favorite pair of arms. You were my favorite pair of eyes and my favorite sound. Everything about you was good enough, from your flaws to your perfections. Your failures meant nothing to me and your doubt didn't intimidate me. I was not afraid of you but rather afraid of the absence of you. I kept thinking we would go back to normal before you made such a decision to break us apart.

And I keep hoping. I keep wishing. I keep dreaming.

I keep wondering if maybe one day I'll hear the knock. On that day I will open up the door to your face and embrace you with no words.

I keep hoping you'll come back.
Even if that day doesn't come...I meant it when I said that you're the best.

Love,
Me

Unexpected Turn of Events.

I haven't quite figured out how I truly feel right now. Some moments I want to just cry, other moments I feel like something grand is going to happen and therefore I'm hopeful again. But nothing quite makes sense yet. I am broken, yes. I had to hear words I never wanted to hear from my favorite person and I had to look him in the eyes as I teared up and say goodbye. It wasn't my choice and there was nothing I can do to change his mind. That's what hurt the most.

I look back and think about the weeks we spent hardly interacting. I kept thinking to myself that we would revive whatever died along the way and go back to normal again. But his words came at me like a ton of bricks and I was so incredibly confused.

On his part he says God says he should say goodbye. On my part, I think God said we would be okay and to keep loving and trusting. It makes me wonder if God really told us two different things because He's trying to help us. I guess I won't know what God is doing until enough time passes. Either way, I am incredibly saddened this happened.

My favorite person decided to go on in life without me. And all I really know is that I still love him.

Expectations, Disappointments, Love.

I've had quite the interesting topic on my mind today and I feel to write it out into words to share. It's this idea of expectations that, to be honest, can really become detrimental to the heart and mind. Along with expectations, which might I add are natural and not necessarily bad that we naturally have them, comes disappointments that only feed our expectations. But I've come to discover that it can turn into this sort of build up that only happens when we forget the most important weapon of all: love.

Let's start with explaining what sort of expectations I mean. We often see this happening in relationships. It's this idea of, "He/She should do this, this would make me happy," or "Why aren't they calling me back? Responding to a text? Complimenting me today?" The point is, we tend to have these feelings because of disappointments. Disappointments in our past or our present, either way, we have become dissatisfied.

Now to move on to disappointment, which leads to dissatisfaction. This can be the knowledge that you are not getting what you most want, or what you think you want, leaving you disappointed, and you are not getting that because you build up expectations. And, well, you've built up expectations because you already have an idea of how to get rid of disappointment and how you want to be...loved. Being dissatisfied leaves you feeling pretty low. And feeling low, sad, unhappy, or angry might mean something's wrong in your heart and you desperately need some sort of pick-me-up. It only makes sense to want to find a solution in people--and for the record, people would be a great answer if everyone applied love. And by love, I mean the love God asks us to give.

You are normal if you find yourself having expectations. You are normal if you find yourself disappointed at times. But in my opinion, there is one easily solution to ease the pain that easily comes with these two things. The build-up of expectations and disappointment commonly seems to happen when we have an idea of "what life should be like." We think that because we actually do know the solution but we find ourselves so dependant on someone else doing that work for us because if they don't, we are discouraged.

Thus introducing discouragement into the mix. When someone else lacks to meet our human-nature-expectations and unfortunately disappoints us in the process, we are discouraged to stand up and make the difference ourselves because subconsciously we will most likely expect something in return no matter how many times we say we don't. We will still go and wonder, "I did this nice thing, why won't he notice? I bought this for her, why doesn't she appreciate it and give me something back?" Let's just be honest--we do this because we all want to be loved! And being loved should feel good, right?

Now that we've gone over my idea of how expectations lead to disappointment which leaves you dissatisfied and unhappy allowing you to feel discouraged to do more, let's move on to how the solution can disrupt the whole system and promise a much better outcome. But remember, expectations happen, they're normal just like you are if you have them, and disappointment is a part of life. If you have this down, it'll be easier to avoid letting it run your life--or your relationship!

We all have an idea of what love is, but I find that unconditional love is the hardest to master. Mistakes will always happen though and we honestly cannot let that stop us from practicing unconditional love. I find that the problem in many relationships is when the problem becomes unspoken. And if the problem is unspoken, it most likely causes even worse problems. With that being said, the unspoken problem is most likely because one or both persons have built up expectations with their normal humanness that longs to be loved and unconditionally loved. I mean, that makes sense! Of course we're hurt if we're not loved!

But here's the answer I think could put an end to this issue: LOVE ANYWAY. In other words, if both parties decides to love unconditionally without expecting from the other person, then if the other person messes up, it doesn't stop that first person from loving anyway. From giving without expecting. Inevitably we might still have those expectations, but imagine if the other person chose to do the same as you. This is almost an obvious answer but you'd be surprised at how many people can't actually master this. Even this type of mindset could keep the most unlikely people in a relationship together forever. The point I'm trying to make is, not enough people put forth that amount of effort and instead practice giving up.

We see broken relationships because people stop trying, people learn how to give up, people are picky, people expect too much from someone. That's not example of love, that's an example of selfish human beings. Selfishness means you look for someone who can fit YOUR needs. Selflessness means finding someone you can GIVE to, HELP out, and LOVE. What can you bring to the relationship? That's the real question! The question that goes unnoticed or forgotten way too often could very well be one of the greatest solutions for a more lasting relationship.

If you drop those expectations and look at the person you love in the eye and realize, "I just want to love you to love you." Everything can change. It is, in my opinion, the best solution to getting rid of a lot of disappointment. Your focus becomes on how you can love that person and you drop your focus from the mistakes they might make. Imagine if both do this! You begin to think of how you can give to them and you choose not to be discouraged even when you make your own mistakes. Because your goal is to love them just as they are, no matter what they do, and that is the best thing you could ever practice.

So practice love. The kind of love that has nothing to do with what you need, what you get, or what you want. Practice the love that is so concerned whether the other person is okay, whether the other person is being loved by you or not. Focus on who you are to them and that leaves no room for your own expectations, eliminating so much disappointment. I know it's not easy, but it's worth it. So go all out. Go out of your way and love. See what happens! Because if you need love, take the time and create love.

To Be Blown Away.

I honestly don't know how to properly explain how yesterday made me feel, but I will attempt to do so nonetheless.

He takes me on a plane and we fly to the beach where he pulls out sandwiches, chips, cheese, water, and a chocolate bar. I squeal at the chocolate because of how frequently I've spoken about it and insist on hugging him again right after he hands it to me. We sit down on the towel he provided and the beach is right by us as we enjoy our lunch. I'm still nearly speechless, forcing myself to express my happiness in any moment I was capable of uttering at least something affirming for him. But let's just say, I was nearly speechless half the time because of how many emotions were actually inside of me.

He was looking at me, searching for something, and every time I looked back at him I could hardly believe he did all of that for me. At first, no words came out and then eventually I couldn't tell what was coming out as he asked me, "Are you blown away?" Sometimes I wonder if he's aware that he's speaking to a girl who has never previously been pursued. He's already won me over, but it is gestures like these that remind me he isn't taking me for granted. That he's still trying to "blow me away" as if he needs to--and I am so glad he hasn't given up.

The act of pursuing is still so new to me, especially because it came after our relationship started. Our friendship taught me who he is and we got so very used to each other. When it turned into a relationship, there really wasn't the need for pursuing to win me over, but yet as time passed it's like I was still curious about it--like I still needed it to believe his intentions are real. Someone going out of their way to please me and make me happy is something I never quite got to feel. The feelings I received yesterday were even more new because he went over the top and his eyes looked at me as if he was asking, "Did I do good?" And all I could think for a while was why me? 

But I desperately want to believe for the first time in my life that I deserve this. The more he pursues, the more he tries, the more effort you puts forth, the more he does for me, the more I can believe and feel it's just for me. I see myself making progress and find myself crying alone in my car thinking about how good he is to me and how thankful to God I am that we've stuck through the tough times and enjoyed the rewards. I cry thanking God because I spent so many years saying I deserved this someday. With all my waiting and patience for something like this to happen, I could only hope I deserved it. It is time that shows me there is a very soft and kind spirit inside a very once-broken man. And as I get to know that very big heart of his, I feel so honored and special to, in a sense, bring that out of him.

Why me? is the best way I could describe what yesterday did for me. I found my joy not in the amount of money he must have spent, or the place we were at, but rather in the person who made it all come to be. I found my joy in his happiness to share that moment with me. I found my joy in his presence, that of all people in the world, he chose to do that for me. I found my joy in his excitement and I couldn't even put it into words when he looked at me and asked me, "Are you blown away?"

The truth is, I was very much so blown away by his heart. I was blown away by the after effects. The ones that come later when I take it all in. The feelings that came to me as I lay in bed that night thinking to myself I feel so very loved. I question, "Is this what it's like? Is this what being loved is like? Am I experiencing the real deal? Does he mean it?" My entire world before he came along turned into this brokenness in me, trying so hard to escape the fear of rejection. The healing that slowly came after that has been a long, drawn-out process. And I can only hope he knows that his effort is helping me believe again. It will indeed take time, but every step he takes toward me is valued.

I was blown away because he thought it all through and asked nothing of me but to be PRESENT. He only needed me to be there and accept the gift he bestowed upon me. Every step of the way throughout the day he looked for a reaction out of me, and I kept hoping he'd realize he's doing something very memorable for me. From the moment I saw him at church, to the moment I hugged him goodnight, there's no other person I would have wanted to enjoy that day with than him. His effort speaks volumes because so much is new to him--but so much is new to me!

This is no ordinary relationship and that's what I love most about it. I wouldn't want him any other way than the way he came! To put it simply...he's my favorite.

Why it Works.

There is definitely a part of me that I've kept so deep inside of me that people around me would never guess and yet it has remained so loud in my head. I've dealt with it in many, many ways, but I became so used to keeping it rooted deep inside myself. People only saw the very tip on the surface, but even then, they would have no idea. I've put on an image of who I long to be and wish to be and for the most part it played out very well. I stood up for my beliefs, I stood strong with my morals, I know my value and my worth--it really didn't affect anyone but myself.

And then my first relationship happened. My first real, more-than-friends, it-finally-happened, relationship. And all my values, beliefs, and the things I mentally prepared myself for were finally put to the test at nearly 25 years old. By this amount of years of waiting for a moment like that to happen, you can imagine how much knowledge I've managed to store in my head about what I believe a relationship will be like. And you can also imagine how terrifying it must be to realize that the guy I stood face to face with after all these years probably didn't raise himself the same as me. And you can also guess how incredibly awkward this would be for me.

But is it a bad awkward? Not so much. It's a story worth telling though about my journey in figuring out what works and what doesn't work about this way of growing. Sometimes I question this delay for myself. Why didn't anyone come along when I was 18, 19, 20 or 21 and allow me to begin this process? And I can very well ask God why it happened to me at 25. But it won't matter how many questions I ask because it won't change the truth about my story. This is me and this is what makes my life special and different than anyone else's.

You're probably wondering what that part of me that I kept deep is, but let's get some back story. I was always known as a fairly "innocent" and "pure" person. If considering the Bible, one could think, "What a good way to live." But to the world, I became a misfit. People censored themselves around me, I didn't stir up conversations about anything I was uncomfortable with, I didn't talk about certain things with family, and I got used to speaking the language I already knew. By language, I mean all the things in my vocabulary and all the categories on the "okay list."

My mom was a fairly private person and therefore my sister and I were raised to be the same. My dad didn't actually relate to two girls, so his influence was in other areas, not so much how it's like to become a woman, or what happens to the body as you grow. It really wasn't a problem in most of my life until I hit my twenties and I found myself a bit dumbfounded in group conversations about things I wasn't entirely educated on. I even find myself failing to write down specifics in this blog because of how reserved and private I grew up to be. To me, there were a few things in life I thought were only meant to be in the mind and not shared with the world.

But I was alone. And at 25, I started feeling more alone. Would I ever know if a certain bodily function was normal if I kept it private and told no one? Would I ever feel comfortable going to the doctor's if it required me to be examined in areas of my body I've learned to keep private from absolutely everyone but myself? Would I know if a feeling I received was normal? Would I be mad at myself for thinking about things that felt "wrong" just because my 5, 10, 15 year old self thought so? Where do I transition from the necessary innocence of my youth to the growth of my adulthood? What areas do I bring forth as worthy to talk about and what areas are okay to stay private?

The questions started hitting me. The research started helping me. Articles online, videos, chatting with a close friend and opening up for the first time--everything started making me realize that I no longer fit into the main crowd. I was still standing in my childhood room with the door shut and I found myself cracking it open and thinking, "Wait, why am I still here?"

Over the past few years, especially entering my twenties and returning to college, I started to recognize that people around me were already subtly judging me for my innocence and lack of openness toward certain subjects. They would make comments like, "Sorry, Stephanie, that you had to hear that." Or, "Sorry, Stephanie, your poor little innocent ears." And they had one thing right--you should be considerate of those around you. But they had one thing wrong--why aren't they questioning why it's fine for themselves, but not fine for me?

I had my reasonings and I'll briefly explain. I'd rather talk about things that last forever--like God, people, love, etc. I spent so much time with this on my mind that fitting into the world was last on my list. But somewhere during the time that I did grow up into my individual self with my individual beliefs (although highly influenced by my upbringing), I chose what was most important to me and I followed that belief and put it to practice. No one around me, no matter what age, was going to fear I'd say something "inappropriate" or "rude." They could trust that my speech and  behavior was family friendly. But still, no matter what, I was even more alone. Who lived their life this way anymore?

So this brings me back to my first relationship that has challenged me beyond measure to really share who I really am and I never knew it would actually be this hard. I worked on myself for many, many years of being single and I've never been put to the test to answer one simple question: Can I know you? And now, at nearly 4 months into a relationship with someone I met 3 years ago, I've learned that sharing who you really are is one of the hardest and most time-consuming things you could ever do when you actually care to do it right. When you're single, no one needs to know what's on your mind to figure out why you're so private. But when suddenly player two steps into the picture, everything changes and I question myself and realize that I can mentally prepare myself as much as I want and spent thousands of hours learning how to be someone for a future relationship, or how to become ready to be a wife someday but there is one thing you cannot prepare yourself for and that's physically. There is no telling how you'll actually feel when it actually happens and how you'll actually respond. And that's the base of this blog, a long one indeed, to share with you the journey I've endured so far.


I've rooted it deep down inside my soul on what physical touch means to me and what I imagine having someday in a marriage. All that people knew of me now was who I am as an individual who is not married. Most, if not all, of my friends had the basic knowledge of, "Oh, she's one to wait until marriage before having sex." And that's basically all they know. That's good enough for them to know, of course, but at the same time I've began to really see that this image they give of me leaves a lot of room for "fill-in-the-blanks" and that's basically what an average, normal human being in your life does. They fill in the blanks.

"Stephanie doesn't like PDA, so she must not like that sort of affection." The truth about this sentence is that I don't like watching others make it awkward for me, but the lie and filled in blank is that they might think I don't like that sort of affection. The truth to reveal that I would otherwise keep to myself is that I had never previously received that sort of attention and couldn't actually relate to dismiss it. Sure, it's still awkward if people decide to use public space for things that should be done privately, but most couples in public aren't trying to be put on display to disturb anyone. The psychology, in my opinion, behind their behavior in public is that they're proud of who they're with and they somehow want the world to know that--whether we want to know or not! And when that idea is the case, I was merely lacking to relate, but internally I would have loved to receive affection, even if not publicly.

I won't give any more examples of that, as I have much more to say, but you can imagine I've had plenty of assumptions made about me. The image drawn of me as being shy, reserved, or modest, was given to me because of who I chose to show on the outside mixed in with how I was raised and what I was raised around. I'm rather proud of myself for many of my decisions in life, but I've been somehow altered by the judgmental reviews along the way. A person's lack to dig deep and hear me out keeps me giving surface answers because if I opened up that door to them they would say something along the lines of, "Whoa! Stephanie! I never heard you speak like this!" Or, as I've received before, they would make a big deal over something that they believed I didn't know about. I'm not a puppet on display, and no one can decide what I can and cannot say--and I'm guilty for letting such behavior control how open or non-open I was. I was afraid to change my image.

In fear of changing my image, I kept most thoughts to myself. And then, as I've mentioned, my relationship I'm in right now challenged that part of me. But somehow, his personality and openness really does work with me. He challenges me so much, as hard as it might be on his part, and that is exactly what I needed to grow into someone more open about who I am and what I want. If he were just as private and reserved as me, we'd be two individuals with desires in our minds and hearts and yet no action being taken. But this young man is not shy to put action to his thoughts and it helps me feel hope--that my desires in my own head have someone else pulling and pulling to help me bring them to the surface.

Excuse me for my hesitancy and slow pace, but bless him for his patience. The deepest and most hidden thoughts have surrounded my conscious thinking and taken over so much so that I find them begging to be shared and set free and he helps me feel unashamed. Not that my thoughts are shameful, but that they clash with my younger, innocent mindset and image I was so very used to. Now that I am older, I have never actually had anyone challenge me in this way, as if to constantly be asking, "What are you thinking? What's on your mind? Why won't you tell me?" For any guys who wonder why we think so much, it's because a woman's mind never truly sleeps. And because of that, sometimes it's hard to know what comes out in verbal language and what stays hidden under in a very loud mind.

With all of this background information now placed out in the open, I'd like to continue explaining my journey of dealing with the inner thoughts of very private person. I'm curious of who could benefit from this story and who has endured a fairly similar journey, but I have some doubts that the numbers are even significant. Either way, I've got some secrets to tell that honestly no longer have to be secrets. Sure, I have my secrets like everyone else, and I also have private things I only share between close friends or family. But these "secrets" I'm referring to are most like things I never thought I had to share.

Although there is no need to be completely open in a blog, as I will do most of my opening up in person, I still felt it was good for me to write this down and share the struggles I've been through. It's not easy keeping things in your head and then one day feeling like you allowed your boyfriend to believe you don't want him because he can't hear a single thought in your head of what you actually want. Having the desires without the actions is like having nothing at all in the eyes of others.

So let's get a little deeper. I grew up believing sex came after marriage, and I still hold onto that fact because to me, sex is intimate and should be fully enjoyed with a person you're fully committed to. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, therefore I know I would like to be fully open, vulnerable, and give all of myself to the person who saw that I came at a high price and was willing to pay without trying to "get me on sale" or "test before buying." I'm a treasure, not a discount item and I also don't want to end up at the Goodwill store, used and devalued. I'm valuable. God made me this way and I recognize that.

But what about the waiting period? Is it easy? The only easy part about not being close or physical with anyone for the entire time I was single (we've established this was nearly 25 years of my life) is the fact that I never opened the door so I sort of never knew what I was missing out on. The hard part is becoming even more impatient the older I get and realizing that no one even knows the struggle I'm going through. I found it normal to keep it to myself--in fact, I didn't even think about the fact that I was doing it. But I was. And the louder my thoughts became, the harder it got.

Like most people on the planet, I do desire to be close and intimate with a significant other and my dreams have always contained marriage. In fact, I only mentally prepared myself for the idea of marriage, and within those walls contained all the things I looked forward to and was willing to wait on. This has caused a build up. A normal build up for those who tend to dream and wait on things, but a build up that went on far too long while I simultaneously endured rejection.

My rejection didn't come from putting myself out there and risking it--no. It came in a long, stretched-out journey of slowly falling in love with a friend. We had our boundaries, and I grew from age 17 to 21 getting to know him in just a friendship. Emotionally, I was on a rollercoaster ride and I taught myself how to love someone when they didn't quite love you the same  back. Because I learned this, I learned the beauty in unconditional love--a love God gives to everyone that doesn't choose  Him in return. I learned the pain in it all and how God's love is endless. It was a beautiful thing to learn, but also very critical to my heart.

With this rather broken heart, I physically distanced myself from this friend and we even stopped hugging. I knew how to love him anyway without physical touch. By the time I was 21, I finally lost those feelings and moved on from him, forgiving him for the things he didn't mean to cause in my life. My experience only contained loving, but not "touching," as so to speak. But I still knew that someday, someone would come along, and someday it would  be worth the wait. What I didn't know is how incredibly hard it would be to basically reverse the effect of learning how to not physically interact with a guy (besides friendly hugs) and allowing the love language of physical touch to be spoken.

Maybe others might think, "Why is it so hard for you to initiate with your boyfriend?" (For example, initiating cuddling, holding hands, a kiss, etc). And my honest response is, "I don't know!" But as I dig deeper into who I am, I see that the desires were never told to me that they're okay. In fact, they weren't okay at all in my life up until this first relationship. Which means, my natural behavior is to keep my hands to myself, and not cross boundaries. Having the knowledge that it's okay, that I'm in a relationship and that he wants me to be close and comfortable doesn't make my body language suddenly become fluent. But this also doesn't mean I don't want it or desire it anymore. I do desire it, just as I always have, but I have to slowly erase the thoughts and feelings I gained for about 7 years of my life staying physically distant. No guy has come into my life to say they want it from me, to say it's okay, up until recently. This means...it's finally time I can learn it's okay. It's finally time I can break that shell and fall into arms that will actually catch me.

But I am still left with my thoughts and desires in my head; to be near, to be close, and I failed to express them physically which means I must speak up and not be left so alone with my thoughts. Just like some people never learned French and then chose to learn, I never learned how to be in a relationship with a guy and now chose to learn. It's hard at first, it's awkward, you pronounce things wrong, come across the wrong way, give the wrong message, but in the end, you learn it. And then you can speak it well. And my heart has every desire to learn this language with him and speak it well. The more he and I learn, the better our communication. This analogy is the best I could give.

I am now learning how important physical touch actually is to me. I have fought off my desires to take hold of "his" hand or to embrace "him" when I was happy. For years and years, I have fought this all. Fighting it away was all I knew until my entire world was changed and suddenly my poor, shy, and hesitant behavior was seen as negative and hurtful and I've now woken up to realize that escaping my mind and teaching my body how to speak the language I want it to speak is extremely important to not only me, but the one I choose to love. I do ask him to understand my struggle, but I don't blame him for noticing and possibly feeling rejected at times.

Because this is happening at 25 years old, one can imagine how much build-up happened over the years. I could only dream and imagine what it'd be like to be close to someone. I always knew that someday I'd be physically close and intimate with my husband and it sounded beautiful and desirable. The dreams were crushed over and over, but I dreamt them up more and more no matter my circumstances because feeling physically close meant a lot to me. And even though all I knew was myself, I knew someday I'd have to let someone else know me. And I mean know me beyond the surface. And I wouldn't have to be shy or quiet about my thoughts, or feeling silly over them. I would tell him everything and we would be one--he would see me in my entirety as his own, the way I see myself, and I would see all of him the way he sees himself. We would just know each other.

This is so very important to me, to have that openness, to feel that comfort, to desire and be desired in return. I no longer want to stay silent and hide who I am on the inside like I did when I was younger. I want to be able to act out what I can only imagine, and feel okay with it. I no longer want to fear it's wrong, but feel confident that it's okay. We're all human, after all. We each go through similar feelings, similar wants, and similar hurts. It took a while for this day to come, but it did. I needed a push, someone to trust, and courage to finally say, "This is who I really am."

It's interesting to be in a relationship with someone who is almost on the entire opposite side of the spectrum in this area. But this is why it works for me. As he challenges me by pulling and pulling, I finally am able to work up the nerve to learn how to be comfortable with something out loud, instead of in my head. When we first got together, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to initiate the things I wanted to do or the things I wanted to talk about. It was never right for me and then suddenly I was supposed to feel it was and I couldn't feel that yet. I always dreamed of holding someone's hand, but I never reached for his until he surprised me and held mine.

I like to look back at the beginning of our relationship because I can see that shy, fearful girl begging to be set free and I see that confident, happy boy who somehow knew I needed him to pull me out from where I resided in for far too long. I asked him not to let me let go of his hand that day and he held on tighter. I guess I knew from the start he'd be my escape and he'd help open the door for me to experience what it's like to be held. Everyday I find more courage to speak out my thoughts with him and let him know when I still need his hand to pull me out even more. And when I see myself reaching over to hold him closer, I recognize the growth and I feel even more freedom.

I never got to really let myself enjoy someone else's company the way I am learning to enjoy his. The more I practice speaking the language, the easier it is to truly show him who I am and who I've been trying to explain all this time. The more I tell him, the more I open up, the happier his eyes become and the greater I feel. I'm thankful for his patience as I struggle to leave my shell. But the way he was made works so well with the struggles I've been through. Because he doesn't let me stay in my comfort zone.