On Time.

Today was one of those days where I received something I needed without even knowing I needed it. It was a day where God surprised me with a new friend that I would have never guessed would be exactly the person I needed a talk with. And after that talk I could feel less alone in a few things and understood. I could listen to her past pain and hear her story and somehow it made me feel more strength. Because I was sitting across from someone who views life a lot like I view it. We believe in what we want and we go after it, while loving hard along the way.

My heart is still healing and as it does I am thankful for the people God brings along to make me even stronger. I love hearing stories because it shows me a greater picture of who God is and the more people I know, the more that story becomes whole. Getting to know God is a never-ending process because that's how great He is. I will never fully know Him and therefore I will never have reason to stop listening. There will always be something new to learn and I'm so happy I serve a God like that.

I believe there are great things ahead of me and I know that my heart will always be in His hands. I know that the person I still miss and tear up over even to this day is still being cared for deeply. I know that my heart is strong, my heart is genuine, and it's soft and I'm so very thankful that God got me through the toughest parts in each of my situations. I refuse to let my heart harden because I know that will never do me any good. I am a forgiver. I am graceful. I am understanding. I am loving. And most importantly, I am forgiven, understood, and loved.

To the man who still resides in my heart, this I pray:
I pray that no matter what you lose, what you go through, and what dangers might come your way that you always turn to God. I pray that you never forget your importance. I pray that you learn to love and make the right decisions because even though I haven't told you I forgive you, I do. Even though we don't speak, I think about you every single day. I remember everything we shared and I value all of our memories. I am sorry for my anger and I pray that God guides you to where you are meant to be. As much as I wish you'd come back so I could hug you once again, I know that no matter what, God will always be with you. And because He is my connection to you, I know I can always pray for you.

I hope the people you need come your way and I will continue to fight the emotions that come my way as I miss you. I hope you find your worth in God and that someday we can be okay.

It's going to be okay because God's got this.

I Don't Know How Not to Miss You.

Well, let's just face the facts again.

I miss you and I don't know how not to miss you. I can be happy, laughing, having a grand ol' day living my life, growing, moving forward, planning, and becoming someone greater. But at the end of the night, I'm basically faced with what is still in my heart. And that's where you happen to be. I think of all the good times, but really, I just think of you in general. I think your existence always meant something to me and too many times I have asked God why I must feel the way I do. I ask Him all too often how long this will last. I just keep wondering.

And I keep wondering because I know you're absent and without you here, thinking of you will only leave me tearing up in the end. I think that eventually I have to stop missing you otherwise eventually you'd have to come back and prove to me you'll stay this time. But see, both of those two options seem so impossible. And now I realize that the easiest way for me to accept this is to stop denying it. Sounds simple, but you'd be surprised at how much it's not.

Let's see. The hardest part is everyone around me probably wondering why on earth I'd still be dreaming of you. They probably think I shouldn't miss you, but that's the thing; these people never knew you the way I knew you. They also never loved you the way I loved you. Perhaps I'm the only one on this earth who took that much time and that much love out of my heart for you. But that's what makes me kind of special, I guess.

This is the hardest special award for me to possess. Because of this, I just keep missing you. It's like you should be here, but for now you just are not. And since you are not, I am waiting. But yet at the same time I've put no hold on my future. I am thankful that I can continuously move forward without hesitation, but it doesn't stop the pondering. I then wonder, would you be proud of me? Would you take back everything you said and thought if you actually knew me beyond the filter you put over me? Would you break down and shatter in front of me just to be with me? Probably not, seeing as how you're nowhere in sight.

But I'm failing quite miserably in forgetting you. I will never forget you. You hold so many of my "firsts," and now no one but you will have that. Your hand was probably my favorite hand to hold because it was the only one that fit so well inside mine. I'm afraid that if I will keep missing you, since I do not know how to stop, and that the only way to get over this is to meet someone grander than you. But in order to meet someone grander, I'm convinced I must move on from you. You see the problem there? I'm in a pickle and all I know right now is there's still something special and unique in you that I am just not completely me without.

I'm better now. So much better now. I'm motivated, I'm inspired, and I'm determined. But I miss your encouragement with all of my heart. I miss your enthusiasm when I shared my ideas. I miss it all and I think we needed this break in order to make us better. And that's the saddest part of all. Because with this break, you might never come back. Without it, I wouldn't have learned why on earth I loved you and what it feels like to be angry and stand up for myself. I wouldn't know what I really desire and why I really deserve without the breaking of us. But at the same time, I think that is what would make a better us and now I can only pray God leads you back to me. Because if you're not meant to come back, I really don't want to miss you anymore.

But here I am again.

Remembering
every
single
thing
we
shared.