Wow, I have not written in a blog in so very long, however it used to be extremely therapeutic to me. And what better time to write than when I need therapy to process what on earth is going on in this head of mine?
I wanted to open up about something that's been weighing me down in the past year or so. Maybe longer. Well, two things, to be honest. But they sort of correlate. It's all sort of hitting me now. It might be because I'm pregnant, so my hormones are causing some emotions to surface much more easily. Who knows! But here goes.
I've discovered that I'm quite highly dependent on others around me. That is because I am a highly sensitive person, therefore I am great affected by how others are around me. Such as, what they say, good or bad, how they act, good or bad, and what they think of me, or what I think they think of me. It's just who I am and if I deny it, I won't ever process it enough to embrace it and use it for good. So I'm not denying it, I'm going to confess it and let this process the way it should. Hence, this blog post.
About 4.5 years ago, I founded You Matter Stories with a friend of mine from church. She was a fashion designer dreamer and I thought having access to fashion would be the best career ever. Because of my anxieties to work for a corrupt company, or worldly company, I knew that creating my own business, or company, would be a far better solution to being able to work in a place that fully accepts God and His goodness. Long story short, I lost this partnership when she was not able to dedicate her time and talent while I was left extremely passionate. At that point, I decided to keep looking for others to join.
The point is, I naturally kept looking for other people to join me. As if the whole point of running a business for me was to create a team. However, I did accept the fact that I was at it on my own and I put a lot of my time and money into creating the website, business cards, ideas, etc. I would then find someone, such as a model, or friend, and be able to begin making story videos. At that point, I dropped the whole fashion side of things until I could figure out how to incorporate it back into the picture. I constantly tried recruiting my sister, but I ended up moving to Oregon.
Everything went downhill for me from there, concerning my career goals. I got into a relationship, got distracted instead, and then pursued an older dream--marriage! I do not regret that at all, as I love being married and I love being a wife and sharing my daily life with someone. But I sort of left the business plans at a weird spot. I lost all my connections and reputation from moving. And it made it easy to let the business that barely begun...die down.
I attempted revival. Multiple times. I even had a launch party! But along the way, I found myself doing exactly what I did when it was founded. I constantly had the need to include someone and invite them into my business world and welcome their talents (if they were interested).
But unfortunately, they all (yes, all) ended in a dramatic and somehow tragic loss of friendship or connection. It was so natural for me want to include someone. However, I was then treated as someone "using" these people. It hurt a lot, as I did not gain any sort of money nor lack to credit or thank them. I suppose I made the mistake of trusting too easily, and assuming I was helping them pursue their own dreams. There was never an argument on my end until they would catch me off guard completely.
But 3/4 of them were my actual friends. And what they did truly hurt me. Each one was a new reason why the business would get put on hold yet again. Why my dreams and ideas would be swept away and I would end up just crying to my husband, deciding I guess I'd be on my own. And he'd comfort me, and he'd tell me I did nothing wrong, they were just too young, or too immature, etc. At that point, I'd decide I'm going to suck it up, I'm going to just do it all by myself again.
Next thing you know, I'd make a new friend. I'd get excited all over again that they liked modeling and they loved fashion. I'd find out if they have dreams too and what are they, etc. One friend, the last one I attempted to make, was amazing! She was so encouraging and sweet, and she wanted to jump on board with me and create together! I was shocked, amazed, and excited! I told her I was making no money from it at the moment, but they together we could use it to eventually build a business because I just switched my idea to renting out my wardrobe that I had been collecting for over a year to originally use for my story videos of models.
She was totally on board, I even bought her a cute "Babe Support Babes" t-shirt. Then, when my birthday approached, she got distant and got sick. It took about 2-3 months after that before I actually heard her reasonings, or apologies. In that time, I (unfortunately) naturally lost motivation being alone again. On top of that, I got distracted on deciding I wanted to be a mom and me and my husband tried for pregnancy and miraculously succeeded after 2 months of trying! I was thankful!
By the time I heard back from this friend, she explained that she was going through a lot of stress not having a job and ended up taking on 3! I was understanding to her and she said she was so thankful at how nice I was. I told her I wasn't sure if maybe I was asking too much of her time before, and she assured me it had nothing to do with me and she felt bad. With my spirits lifted over this friendship, I decided to just focus on us as friends, and not push or worry about the business now that she had a busy schedule (the unfortunate struggle I always deal with when working with others anyway, haha).
At this point, my focus was really on just taking care of myself with early pregnancy symptoms. I honestly just needed a friend and wasn't too worried about the business plans I had on hold (yet again).
But one night, one random night, I receive a message from this friend asking me to "just give her the unedited photos" so she can "edit them [herself]." I was really caught off guard, as she was referring to a random second part shoot we did right before working on the business together because she was helping me get shots of some of the dresses for when I launched. Because I hadn't launched yet, and clearly hadn't had her helping me for months when she took time to herself, I hadn't quite needed those photos and I was sick a lot from nausea and pregnancy.
I was truly caught off guard. I told my husband right away. My hands were shaking, my heart was pounding, and my pregnant self was freaking out. Terrified to mess this friendship up. But the truth was, I did not have photos for her to share yet because I told her (before taking the photos in the first place), we'd get some now to be used later. She agreed to help me. I had already helped her by shooting her own outfit, in which those photos were delivered right away because I thought she did fantastic and was excited to get her some shots from it. But the second half the day we were hanging out, I randomly asked if she'd be open to helping me get shots of future rental dresses. So, the photos she's asking for are ones I do not want her to share yet, however I'd give her copies when I was ready since I LOVED the photos.
As you can guess, I was very, very surprised at her behaviour over it all, as she accused me of "using" her to benefit for my business. Thinking logically, it's comical, sadly. How could I benefit from photos I never used? For a business that has gone nowhere lately and has not even made me any money? A business that hadn't launched (the rentals)? What on earth was happening!? This was a sweet, sweet girl. A good new friend I was so happy to have made. My husband was my witness, he loved that I made a new friend and how happy I was that she and I had similar values and beliefs. But this moment... her words.. they hurt me. She blocked me after it all and removed my tag from the photo she put up that I took of her (models do this when they're angry, makes no sense to remove credit, makes more sense to remove the photo).
I was totally beaten down at this point. I was hopeless in knowing who to trust. I felt like I kept losing friendships over silly reasons. Now, I'm a very forgiving person, but I also don't pick fights with people and usually it's something totally out of the blue and it's hard for me to know how to handle it because I'm such a people pleaser (it's stressful haha). But I was very hurt by what she did.
Honestly, to this day, I'm still grieving the last friend who did this to me right before her, because that friend was like a sister to me. I miss her to this day. We never had an argument before it went down, in fact, it wasn't even an argument when she turned on me. She went silent for 3 weeks after I had dinner at her new place. I had fun. We laughed and whatnot, went shopping, ate good food, etc. My husband was with me too, he saw the whole thing. It was all positive. I invited her over to our place next and when the day came, I didn't hear from her at all. I kept asking if she's still coming. It wasn't until 3 weeks later she called me to "catch up" and then explained I made a joke that hurt her feelings (it was a joke she made, but something I went along with not knowing she was sensitive about it.
Now this friend was 11 years younger than me. I usually didn't let anything bother me because our age difference was huge. I just loved her like a little sister and that was it. I wish she would have told me in the moment that the joke hurt. I would have taken it back, I would have apologized immediately, and I would have learned more about her. I'm that person. I truly am. You tell me you don't like it, I stop. You go silent though, how will I know? I am all about communication. In her case, she messed up. She didn't communicate. But instead, it turned into her putting me in place where I felt afraid.
Then 2 days after we cleared the air, she did something really inconsiderate and it kinda made me feel frustrated. It was silly though. Not worth ending a friendship over. But she showed me a picture of a dress at Goodwill. Now, our thing as friends was thrifting for dresses, so this was a normal thing. It was too big on her and she was showing me though knowing I would have liked it. I said, "If you're not going to get it, I'll pay you to grab it for me!" (Now, not for ME to wear, for the rental business, it was also not my size but was way too big on her for sure). She said, "Okay if it's still there I'll grab it for you!"
Things felt normal for us again at this point. Until later that night she sends a picture of her wearing it, holding the back (showing it's clearly too big) and said, "I love it and I decided I'm gonna keep it!" I was shocked, thinking, wait, she wasn't going to buy it and I asked her to grab it and that I'd pay her to get it, she agrees, and then later decides she'd keep it? I suppose that's where her much younger age was obvious. So, I decided to communicate in that moment! I told her how it made me feel and that I hope she can understand it.
So she went silent again for 2 days and one day I woke up to the longest text I've ever received in my life. And it was a text stating everything she didn't like about me for the past year of our friendship. How I'm toxic, how she did a lot for me and I didn't do much for her. How I didn't thank her for helping me at my launch party (which I did multiple times and she never seemed bothered by that day for a year). How her mom and boyfriend think I'm bad for her (weird, her mom personally told me she things I'm such a good friend to her). And the list continued on, such as how I was using her for my business, etc. None of which was true as I showed my husband and my long-distant best friend the whole message to ask them what they think because I was bawling my eyes out mourning the loss of a friend I truly valued.
Mind you, she suffered with BPD. I was surprised she kept a happy attitude for over a year of friendship with me, to be honest. I've had BPD friends in the past. I'm still their friend, I love those people, but yes, they also hurt me because I'm HSP (highly sensitive person). Which is probably the worst type of person to become friends with someone who suffers highs and lows. Their lows are really gonna hurt me! But, I forgive. I love anyway. I know they can't help it.
But it does not take away from the fact that she hurt me. And it has been almost a year since she ended it all. I've never had someone do that over a silly reason, but it happened. She's disappeared from my life like that. She took back donated items (well, technically she told me NOT to use the items and then failed to come pick them up so they're not taking up space in a box in my garage).
It was sorta traumatizing how it happened. Like, how can you honestly predict this when you meet people? Do you just accept that every new friend may do this?
She was a reason I stopped my business again, I just had no idea. I was discouraged. I was alone in it all again. And by business, I don't really mean business so much as I mean dreams. Like, pursuing talents and things you loved. We both loved fashion. She was going to design, I was going to sew and photograph and run the website. We were passionate. But when I lost her, I lost the desire to do anything. I was grieving still.
I finally picked myself up again when I eventually met a new friend. And, as I mentioned above, that became the friend who ended a friendship over not yet receiving images taken for the business that wasn't launched.
And once again, I was alone.
I've learned, that what drives me, what pushes me, what motivates me...is the fire I get when I share a passion and work on something with someone else. And the only reason I wasn't succeeding on my own is because I didn't have a desire to do it by myself. It would never be enough to do it. It's why every time I lost a friend or I lost help, I would get knocked back 1000 steps.
It has taken me time to really put that in front of me and admit, "Stephanie, you are not moving forward anymore because you don't want to do it by yourself." The dream I had was founded with a friend in the first place. I think I've been trying to replace her ever since then. I feel most motivated when I'm around others who are succeeding. Because when I'm alone, I'm not succeeding.
It is why I love being married. Because when I was trying to embrace single life, I failed over and over and would end up crying all the time. I wanted a partner in life, I wanted endless hugs, and endless laughter. I struggled for so many years (and yet I didn't date, miraculously haha). I needed the companionship to feel my best.
I'm so thankful for my very supportive husband, who is an amazing provider and best friend. He laughs with me, goes on adventures with me, drives me to the store for my super random reasons, half the time without even hesitating. He just knows me so well and I knew that when I dreamed it for years, it's because I knew that I was meant for companionship. I was meant for teamwork. Because alone, I don't feel quite motivated or right. I don't feel good enough. But yes, it does matter if it's a good person to work with. I'm clearly affected by the negative! But that's the case for many team-driven people.
So, as I move forward, I am reminding myself that I am not a failure. I'm not lacking to "succeed" with my ideas because I'm bad at it. But it's because I am most inspired and motivated when I had one or more people succeeding with me. And without that, I simply feel like I'm searching for that "partner" in business.
We are not meant to be alone. We are made for each other. God made two humans in the beginning because He knew that alone, the human wouldn't succeed. So to anyone who says they're independent, that they don't know people--it's most likely because you're not alone. These people I've heard say this happen to be people that have support by friends and family. Some people lack to realize the importance of the people around them. And then you have someone like me come along and recognize straight up, "I need people." We all do have different needs, I understand that. Some prefer to work alone physically, but they'll need support in other ways.
You can't say you like being alone until you're left alone for months. Then you'll realize and know that a part of survival, is people. It's companionship. Could be friendships. Could be family. Could be marriage. Could be anything relationship-related. We need people.
And my dream is not to run this business alone. I'd rather focus on becoming a mom than accept doing something alone. I made the mistake by accepting it over and over and that mindset is not working for me anymore. Time to move on!
