Imagination to Reality's Firsts.

My life lately is filled with a lot of firsts. I went over twenty-four years of my life learning and growing to be me, to succeed, to believe, to trust, and to simply live. But the journey I entered into over a month ago is the most interesting and different experience of my life yet. Because, well, it involves another human being who is completely out of my control yet closer to my heart. I'm learning the difference between my imagination and reality. And honestly, I have nothing to go off of when it comes to reality except for my previous dreams.

Allow me to elaborate. In my daydreams, the scenarios I created were based on non-existent experiences. Being held in a hug, holding hands, falling in love, expressing feelings, being kissed--I mean, how would I ever know? Are they really the way I imagine? In reality, as I slowly experience something new, I cannot determine whether it's supposed to be awkward, uncomfortable, scary, or completely fine. I could very well be experiencing these moments exactly the way every other human being experienced them for the first time. And I just wouldn't know because I inevitably compared them to my made-up dreams.

This is the most frustrating and amazing part of it all though. To get my mind to realize that how I'm experiencing it now is how it is supposed to be. It is not meant to be the way I played it out in my head because I simply made all of that up. I cannot watch two people on a screen and think of how they feel based on how they looked. I may very well look completely comfortable holding his hand or arm in public, but little do the people around me know that it has taken me time and practice to let it feel natural (in fact I'm still working on it).

When he gets close to me, I feel like my personal space has been invaded, yet in my imagination I've dreamt up plenty of times how I'd handle his nearness. But the more that time passes, the better I feel, and the better I feel, the easier it becomes to make up how reality will potentially feel for the still awaited "firsts" to come. And I have no intention to make it a to-do-list of things to experience and check off just because I've waited this long.

No. This journey I'm taking is a journey of determining if I can actually trust this other human being with my heart or not, and if he will stay and protect it. Because if he has no intention to stay, then I have no reason to completely attach myself to him or give anything special to me away. I value myself and God values me. I'm not meant to be a "test run" or someone to practice on. I'm a real, live, breathing human being with a beating heart. And the same goes for him. He is not my guinea pig, he is not a practice run--no. He is real and I care deeply for him. I love learning with him, I do, but my care is real. I mean everything that I do.

I know his life so well now, and I have every intention to learn more. When it gets overwhelming to know another human, I get through it and then I want to know more again. The more comfortable I become with each step he takes closer to me, the better I feel to let him be physically near me. I have cared for him for so long now and it's so hard to get myself to believe that he's letting me know him even deeper, and even more.

I didn't wait this long for a relationship to simply waste my time. I didn't wait this long to agree to just anyone. I was looking for a best friend and I found that in him.




I hope you stay.

One Month.

I honestly believe that life with you is entirely worth writing about. Not just because you are the most unique human being I have come across, but because I happen to love our story. You see, life with you is like a movie to me. It has so much potential to end up in a script that is like no other.

And when I'm out and about at a new place with you, I feel like I'm making it all up in my head. I love how amateur we can be at our relationship because it makes me feel like we are learning at the same time; to speak a language we're not fluent in. But I'm not scared to learn this new language with you. I'm not trying to find my way out when it gets tough, or when you fail me in little moments. I'm here to see your growth and I'm here to stay as long as you'll have me.

Days spent with you go by fast, but are always worth the wait in between. Sometimes I fall out of belief and I cannot get my mind to accept that you and I are true. I realize more and more what issues I must face the longer this continues. I realize I cannot get myself to believe anyone would be excited to see me the way you now express your excitement. And when we see each other once again, your eyes light up brighter each new day.

I could very well be dreaming this, but I know it's true. In my head I have all the confidence in the world and in reality I shyly hold your hand and silently compliment you. I'm not used to belonging to anyone in any way. I'm not used to being cared for by a man. And although I know I can be loyal and I know I can be loving, I'm not used to living a life that actually matters to someone with the actions I take.

I have no intention to hide anything from you, nor do I intend to go behind your back and hurt you. I have no intention to make you jealous or lose your trust. I know for a fact that I can keep a promise and I know for a fact that I will never lie to you. I have no need to let my eyes wander or my heart wonder about any other strange man that comes in my path.

Because as long as I'm committed to you, you're the only book I choose to read. And I will study you as long as you're in my life.

One month later, I'm still excited to know you more in this deeper way beyond friendship. Three years ago, I had no idea you were about to show up in my life. I'm so glad we met.

And Just Like That.

And just like that, you changed my world. I was going to consider walking away, moving on, and seeking that beauty in someone else and you hooked me. But how could I say no to you? I've followed your life for over two years and on that third year I knew leaving you behind was going to be the biggest and hardest task of my life yet. But you gathered me into your arms and you decided to hold me. You decided to face your fear and you chose me.

The days have gone by and I still can't fully believe it happened yet. I cannot believe you let your world know that you chose me. I stare at our picture one too many times asking myself, "Is this really real?" Do you even know how much you changed my world? Do you know how afraid I was to lose you again and to instead somehow receive you in an even closer manner?

And now we go about this new relationship, building it slowly but surely, and I keep missing you on the days we are apart. I want to know you more in this way, but we become so distant throughout the  busy weekdays. I realize now that we are committing to put forth more effort than just friendship. We are committing to know each other at a deeper level and pay even closer attention. But in a sense it feels like we're too new at this, that you'll revert back to treating me as your friend, and that I'll be standing here alone half the time.

But I do have faith in us. I know I can do this and I know you can too. I know we can learn together and I know we can work to work it out.

Why would you have chosen to change my world knowing I would put my whole heart into it? Why else would you do it but to be loved by me? And through this, will you learn to love me? Will you see me for who I am, deep down inside? Will I be captivating and wonderful to you as time goes on? Will I get what I deserve, for the treasure God knows that I am? If you hold me now, will you keep holding on or will you let go?

I was willing to let you figure yourself out, figure out your feelings, figure out your intentions and desires... I was willing to let you do this before anyone else could ever know the decision we made. But you publicized our decision into a relationship and we've got everyone believing this is genuinely true. We've got friends and family supporting this decision and I have no desire to ever let them down. I want to know you more and hold you tighter than ever, but I'm still sitting here trying to figure out if you mean it completely or not.

I have hopes that you'll still fall in love with me now because it seems as though you're finally letting yourself explore that possible path. You make me feel comforted when you hold me and the warmth of your hand is now my favorite touch. You take it slow, and I wouldn't want it any other way, but it's hard for me not to continue to want more and more of your time and touch. This is so human of me, to want these things after such a long wait. And here you are, someone I can slowly call mine, and I'm still not used to it.

But it all happened. We talked, we debated, we discussed, we questioned--it all happened so quickly. You were standing there at my door and all doubt beamed through your eyes. Your words had no hope, your questions were hard to answer, and I couldn't stay there with you. I got up to run, I turned to escape that place, and you grabbed hold of my hand as if to say, "Wait!" And that love I still held for your very existence waited just for you.

And just like that, you changed my world. You gave me a chance to be loved in return.

You.

You're an odd one, you really are. Somehow you keep coming back and now you've admitted that you are the reason. You are holding on to me and I know you are now. Despite the negativity in your life, you see that I remain consistently calm and forgiving. You could walk away, or I could temporarily give up on you, but once you come crawling back broken, I can't ignore you. I am your helper, staying by your side when no one else is and I am the one willing to listen to you. I didn't know I'd become this, and yet at the same time I clandestinely did.

You don't dismiss me when I'm difficult, you apologize and come down to my level and understand me. And even when it takes many, many words to do so, you still always meet me there. You're not perfect, you're life isn't all together, and you're often at a low. But you're real and I can't seem to forget you. I try so hard not to dive deep into your heart, not to ask how you actually feel, but you leave me wondering no matter how long I try not to care.

And this new fear has found me. Knowing I cannot care this deeply for two people at once, I fear that if I find someone new to take care of and to help, I might not be able to be close to you anymore. And if that's the case, you'll have to let me go. But then I fear that I will still, somehow, love you and you only. And maybe I won't. Maybe I'll move on and maybe I'll watch you fade from my life. But so far you just keep coming back.

Of all the people in the world, you have become my one special human being that I wonder the most about. I see you as a whole, yet I see all your pieces too, and I keep thinking I'm supposed to keep you. But see, you bring me back to this place. You pull me in and hold me there in such a way that I cannot leave without making a scene. You'll notice me when I'm gone and I have no idea what that would mean to you. I try to see this as a friendship, but it feels like the potential of so much more. And that confuses me. That bothers me. That scares me.

It brings tears to me eyes. Will you keep coming back? Or one day will that stop? It brings tears to my eyes because I am the only person in your life right now who you can sit down with and share all your secrets, all your thoughts, and all your struggles. You have given me such a huge role in your life that I know it will take a while before anyone else can fill these shoes I've walked in for you. And will they? Will you find someone willing to take my place? Because if you do, I'll surely have to step aside and let you go.

I want to say it's going to be all right, but I honestly do not know where this will go. We've invested time in each other's lives, and I know you so well that I know exactly how to hurt you. I hold that power and I choose not to use it because I still care. And when you hurt me, you fix it. When you disappoint me, you come and talk to me. When I'm angry, you listen. But when I'm silent, you disappear and I just hope you'll return like you always do. I hope. I wonder. I assume.

What we have with each other is an extremely challenged relationship with two people often accidentally making it work. We have bullets coming our way and we survive. We keep surviving, we keep forgiving, and we keep loving as if we have to. But we don't have to. We never had to. You come back to me and I only wonder why because I crave an adventurous buddy for life. I crave a companion and I don't know if I should be finding that in you. I don't know if I should see that in you. I don't know what God is capable of with us, and I don't know what you're willing to open up to.

You say you don't want to be alone, but you say you're afraid. You're afraid to commit in fear you'll stop caring. And yet I cannot get my mind to understand how you can keep coming back as if you haven't stopped needing me; as if you haven't stopped wanting me. And I don't know if you understand what you're building with me. I don't know if you see our growth, our adaptation with each other, and our reflections in each other's eyes. I don't know if you can see your willingness to make things right with me, to spend that time with me, and to let me love you the way I do.

But I've learned through you that I am capable of holding on tight. I learned I am capable of learning how another human being is and making it work. I am capable of relationships.

Most of all, I learned that the day I met you face to face, my heart knew correctly that you would be important. I know when I pointed you out. I knew when I found you. I knew when I was bold enough to go the miles and I knew when you hugged me for the first time. I knew you were going to be a big part of my life and although I wasn't scared at the time, I am scared now.

I am scared because I know you so well. I am scared because you are out of my control. I am scared because you were set apart in my life by a powerful God who could do absolutely anything through this. My faith remains in Him and my hope remains in Him. But you hold so much power in your own hands. You can stay. You can go. You can commit. You can give up. You can doubt. You can love. You can make a choice.

You're back, and that's really all I know for now.

Moment of Weakness.

I wonder what sort of joy and happiness could be in proportion to the years of off and on pain and heartache. I wonder what "greater things have yet to come" after the years of never quite feeling it has come. I wonder if it's possible to also feel that joy and temporary happiness for a longer period of time than what I am used to. If I spent years fighting, searching, and yearning, then a day of happiness stands no match to fight off those years. What could possibly make up for it all?

And this is what I pray, even if just silently, almost every day. Every time I look up at the sky when I am alone it's like this unspoken prayer goes up into Heaven and I accept yet again where I now stand. I look back and wonder how my life could have turned out the way it has. So many unfortunate happenstances and this prolonged sulk that I too often fought away. But I've come to this silent point where I've run out of energy to fight. There are nights I stare up at the stars and the moon and I whisper to God what it is I'm longing for. I question Him what is going on in my heart and why is it that I cannot feel happy.

This is why I wonder now what joy could come along and how long will it take? I watch television shows and get sucked into the story and attached to the characters now because I get to live a more exciting, adventurous life through them. I realize how lost I get in such a non-existent world and feel even more pathetic. I think about what choices I could have made to change all of this and I fail to understand. I feel so incredibly alone in all of my decisions, as if I don't live a life anyone else would be happy to join along in. There are individuals I'd love to be around to feel better with, but they now reside miles and miles away from me, and I have to accept the "loss."

I am tired, and I am admitting how incredibly tired I am from fighting all of these emotions away. I keep thinking I'm letting go and giving it all to God, and after another year goes by, I feel like nothing was ever accomplished except more pain and sorrow. When a new smiling face comes along and I feel like I am no longer alone, I get to witness their departure and I wonder who is worth holding on to. I never mean to sound so negative and I never mean to sound so alone, but after about 7 years of experience such similar feelings and disatisfaction, I can't help but wonder as a Christian why I can't seem to grasp a happiness with God.

My joy with Him has come and gone, and yet He's the only One to keep me sane. He's my refuge and strength, and yet I feel like it's a dying relationship because my idea of a proper "relationship" is nothing I'm experiencing in real life. I have this poor image of what friendship is now and this poor image of everything concerning people. I have family at home that I parted from to pursue an education and now have the hardest time saying goodbye when I leave after a visit. This is because I've failed to fit into this world of mine and now I just feel so alone. Anyone who passes me by or strikes up a conversation causes anxiety and stress at times because there is a distance with everyone I know. It's as if I've lost the ability to grow with anyone, create a bond, and know them.

I came to this place with eagerness to make friends, and friends definitely came. But they left as well, and now that I've seen the pattern, I've lost all ability to create friendships the way I used to. But then I think that there is a root to the all this pain, that there is a hidden and embedded reason as to why I've become this hard, this hurt, and this shut down. I understand that the rooted pain stems from past friendships that I watch deteriorate because of my strong and stubborn decision to love. Love is the most beautiful decision and yet the hardest decision. Because when they do not love that same way in return, it tears out a huge part of me and lasts for many years afterwards.

I sit here, not nearly over the love I chose to give to an unlikely character in my life, and I have this undying need to just sulk until it goes away. I put it off and put it off until I'm lying in bed at night, sighing and wondering what on earth my heart is trying to say to me. I am told that someone will come along and love me the way I deserve it and I beg God to just let me feel that loved now, today, even if just internally by Him. I want to see acts of God in my life and yet I can't seem to recognize any of it at times. How could I be told I deserve such love when I clearly do not and I clearly do not receive it? I regret to sound this pathetic, but I'm tired of lying to people around me when I pretend I'm okay.

The Power of Unexpected Gifts.

Have you ever had so many bad things happen over and over that you couldn't even understand what good is anymore? Have you ever been beaten down so many times that you became too tired to stand? Eventually at this point it's so hard to smile and so hard to forget about all the things you wished would happen and all the things that could have happened. And what is a blessing at this point? What is there to be thankful for?

I am becoming convinced that becoming thankful for all the tiny things is like opening up a door to greater things. Being thankful for the small things is like opening up your eyes to possibilities. And if bad things never occurred, would blessings really be obvious? I'm becoming convinced that God is all about contrast. Love is great when hate is compared. Good is great when bad is compared. Blessings are great when you least expect them.

I'm starting to see my week that way.  On Sunday, I was feeling pretty down. The week beforehand I wrote things on paper like, "I wish something grand and unexpected would occur," and yet I knew that if I expected something to happen, nothing could be "unexpected." Oh the irony. But in my silent moments, I'd pray, I'd cry, and I'd ask God what is going on in my heart. But as I entered this new week, beginning a tiny journal to write down blessings, I started thinking about each thing throughout my day that I can be thankful for. I thought of all the little things and even big things that allowed me to feel blessed.

But have you ever had so many good things happen in a row to a point that you couldn't help but look to God and think, "Wait, are You doing this on purpose?" Without the endured pain, would this good moment, or these good opportunities, feel as great as they do now? And that is what my week is beginning to feel like. From Sunday until now, I'm under the impression that God is intentionally trying to put a smile on my face.

In a matter of four days I have managed to apply to a job for the first time, get a call for an interview, walk into the interview and become hired right then and there, and then find out my name was selected for a free VIP ticket to see my favorite musician, Chris August. And although I already bought a ticket, the idea that I won was like a cherry on top. I cannot help but smile, looking immediately Heavenward to believe God has set it all up this way. To make up for the past month or so of emotions and pick me up from the ground and push me into great opportunities and a feeling of happiness.

It feels like these are just the little things I needed. It is as if God has been wrapping up gifts for me and has started to deliver them one by one. These blessings become so obvious and I am thankful to have never doubted God or given up on Him. I came to an acceptance with my life, with my path, and I was slowly walking along, wondering what could possible change it all. God has set me on that path, and it feels so good to make it to this side and feel deep hope again. My other prayers may not have been answered, but my unasked prayers were indeed. With the energy I had left and the small effort I attempted to put forth--God amplified the outcome and I couldn't be more thankful.

I look forward to His next gift to me.

Observations and Challenges.

Sometimes I do wish I could read into his mind and then manipulate it in such a way that he’d finally see how much potential I’m sure he has to conquer all of his fears and move forward in life. Then again, I’m not quite sure what exactly his fears contain, nor how much of a hindrance they might be. Maybe I wish I could read into his mind because his actions never seem to line up with his words that eventually come. I feel like I’ve watched him at a distance for so long, and then when I got a close-up I fell into confusion. Confusion because I couldn’t figure out if I liked it or not. Being close and knowing someone’s story has never been so frightening until I found myself close to him.

Most people have this natural distance. And for the most part, he’s had it too. But there have been enough moments where he opens up and I see that distance decrease. He’d tell me his wonders, his fears, his worries, and the things that bring him down. Then there were moments where he’d completely dismiss a certain topic, giving me the impression that it’s a dark road he’s avoiding in that moment. He’ll say words like, “I’d rather not talk about that right now,” and I let it linger for a while in my own mind, feeling like I scraped a scab on accident and regretted the gesture.

In the moments that I do find myself too close, I get afraid enough to step back. I don’t mind when I hug him goodbye because then I have time to think, to be more like myself, and breathe when he’s away. It’s not that he suffocates me, he doesn’t. He’s a challenging friend though. His behavior is much different than anyone I’ve ever known. At times I can be laughing, having fun, but other times I can suddenly feel unlike myself. I feel this uncomfortable feeling, as if I’m placing a thick wall between us and ignoring it.

There is a significant change in my behavior lately when I spend time with him. I consider his love languages to treat him well and I try my best to appreciate the good things he does. But something is always missing. Something between us, something unsaid, something unsolved. Yet it’s not that it needs to be solved, but that it’s a wall he (or maybe we) chose to build. We have this altered version of a friendship. It’s not quite normal, but it’s something. When I can’t find words to say to him, I still mind my distance physically out of respect. I’m aware of my own boundaries in our friendship, but I can’t seem to figure his out. Even if I fear he’ll take my stiff behavior to physical touch as a negative sign, or that I am uncomfortable, I know I’m doing it to merely respect our level of friendship.

Despite what goes on in my head, it doesn’t take away from the fact that I still listen to him. Despite everything I’ve stated above, I have this curiosity. I think he can do great things, but the more he loses faith in himself, the less I can see of him. I begin to sense that lack of faith and I, too, fail to see him move onto something grand. He’s starting to allow me to look away, as if he’s a book that I lost interest in. And even though I don’t look away, even though I still stand there hoping he’ll climb a mountain again and begin again, I lose so much energy along the way.

I begin to ask myself, “Why am I paying attention? What reason do I have to invest this time in his life and give forth care? Why haven’t I walked away?” It’s an easy path to take, the path that leads you away from someone you know will challenge you. And that’s exactly what he does. He challenges my ability to care, love, and listen. He challenges it because often times he hides and for days or weeks I give up on trying and I stop hearing from him. In those moments I wonder why I don’t say anything, but it’s not until it’s done that it bothers me. It’s not his presence that hurts me, it’s his absence; his silence. But I stick around, somehow, and then he comes back around and expresses some sort of pain, confusion, or worry—and I care again.

I follow him purposefully at times to let him be the leader, literally and metaphorically, and I observe. What I notice most is he almost enters this world by himself. He ends up ahead of me without looking back to make sure I’m nearby. But I still observe in hopes I’ll understand what got him to where he’s at today. As I watch him walk ahead and alone, I can’t help but continue to believe he’s not used to followers—faithful followers, to be exact. He’ll turn around and wait on me at times, but I can see that he still gets lost in his own little world. And it’s not really his fault. There’s something about him that has me believing that he has stopped trying. He has felt different throughout his lifetime and he stopped trying to adapt to the people around him. He may make his attempts, but when all of it seems to go downhill, he ends up slumped and in disbelief. It’s like he believes that he will never be good enough at the things he unintentionally stopped trying to be good at.

To continue with this observation, I hear him say words that explain how he doesn’t get close to anyone anymore and his reasons for not getting attached. This is a repetitive thing I’ve heard from him, and I never know what to say in return. I feel the pain, in a sense, and I can empathize because I felt that way quite strongly at one point in my own life. As happy as I am to say I see it vanishing for myself, I am unsure of how he can overcome it. It’s his battle, but I listen because I only wish I could turn it all around for him. I see how he’s not close with many people and I see how distant he can become. Often times it’s the only reason I stay strong to stick around in his life—not just because I don’t want to obliterate a friendship, but because I don’t want to be that type of person in his life.

I guess my favorite part about his existence in my life is how many God-moments that happen, either with me, or with him. I like the fact that God can be present, that God can be mentioned, and that God can be important. I like that he can recognize an unexplainable moment and proceed to give credit to the living God. When there’s a lack of laughter and lack of God-talks, it’s like there’s a lack of life between us. It was so much easier to be civil with him toward the beginning of our friendship. Our talks were deep, they were organized, and they were rare yet exciting. But in the midst of all those life-changing, God-soaked moments in my life, there he was.

He was there when I needed a change, and he stood right between my old life and current life. He was there when I questioned what God wanted to do with me, and he was there when I lost my dad. He was there when I had fears run so deep that I broke, and he was there when it was over. He wasn’t always present, but at the end of each of these little and big races in life, he was at the finish line. I can sit and ponder, never sure whether to run from him or just keep him there. But then God shows up and stops me from running.

The months continue to pass as I continue to observe, listen, and encourage this particular young man. I feel like I’m supposed to help him, yet I’m aware that his life and success isn’t my responsibility. But I always wish I will have the right words to say when he’s in distress. Then again, I guess I’m like that with many people who express depressed behavior, or something of the sort. I have this dire need to be a helper, to be needed, and to be useful in people’s lives.

As much as it scares me to know him this well, to get this close, I know I can’t go back in time and un-meet him. There’s a huge part of me that is thankful to have come across his world though. It has changed me in unexplainable ways and I can see that I gave him a real friend. Yet now I see this lack of joy inside of him and I know very well that he is in dire need of a greater happiness. He is losing motivation, losing faith, and losing the energy to dream and imagine a more adventurous life. He pushes away from me, and then pulls me down; he lifts me up and nudges me forward. He’s a little reminder every time I see him that even the tiniest decisions in life can change your entire world. My choosing to meet him in person for the first time on January 4^th, 2013 marked such a significant time in my life. And then two years and two months later, I see him in such a similar place I once was in.

The overly-excited man who often disappeared for weeks from my life becomes a broken soul who has hardly anyone to turn to except me. He too often realizes how people in his life vanish and the comings-and-goings only bring him down. I see that I’m still held at arm’s length and I see that he still values me, but I very well know that he can easily detach himself out of fear. Although I have no desire to vanish, I still fear myself that someday we won’t hold on and I’ll look back and he won’t be around anymore. I guess it’s okay, we’ve made no real promises to hold on, but I know my heart will always save a place for him to dwell.

Only he can decide where he’ll go, who he’ll keep, and what he’ll do. I guess I’m just sitting on the sidelines hoping he makes the right decisions. I can’t say I know how long he’ll keep me around, or how long I’ll be able to invest time in his (granted he responds). But I do know that the answer will never be in giving up. Once a time ago I wanted to let him go, I wanted to run away, and I quickly found out that it would never be the right answer. After learning that lesson, I realized that God isn’t a God who teaches his children how to escape problems. He’s a God who helps us face problems, fix problems, and make things right. But most importantly, He’s a God who teaches us how to love everyone at any moment—no matter what.

So I guess with all that I’ve learned from who he is and what effect he’s had in my life, I can only conclude to say that I know God is the very reason I even know this particular individual. In the oddest way possible, I see that God let our worlds collide because we each had something challenging to offer. He was placed at such a huge turning point of my life, like he was some sort of intro to the next chapter. I’ve learned so much because of him, and I’ve seen so much more out of God throughout it all. And whether he stays or leaves, I trust that God will let him fulfill his purpose nonetheless and that I can still be thankful he came along.

Here’s to hoping he finds his place and that maybe I can witness the beginning of his next chapter.