Dear Future Husband, Where Are You?

Dear future husband,

Alright, so I've been pretty patient for a while, but it's wearing down slowly. I actually reached a point where I've been totally fine about not being married with kids by now at age 26. I think that's pretty great because in my past I was so afraid of not meeting anyone by this age. Yet here I am, totally fine with still being single. I'm even fine with having that "one failed relationship" which my past self would have freaked out over. It's like I actually feel like the rest of the world and that comforts me.

But now that almost a year has gone by since my breakup, I've come a long way and changed a lot! And I'm happy with it! But at the back of my mind, I find myself wondering about you again and thinking how amazing it would be to go on adventures together and get to know each other at a deep level. Because now you're just an imagination, but I know that someday you'll pop up out of nowhere and we'll connect strongly.

But my question is...where are you? I know the only answer I'll ever get is the day I meet you and even then, I may not know. But I imagine it'll be a fun time. I finally feel ready for you to come again (remember when I used to feel so ready ages ago in old letters? Haha.) Who knows when the time is. At this point I'm just open to whenever. I haven't found anyone interesting to date, so I've been embracing that single life, traveling solo and exploring solo. I've been so much better at it, trying to influence and see people along the way. I'm hoping that one of my adventures will lead me to you.

Just want you to know that I'm really into this whole entrepreneur life. Sort of hoping you'll be down for that journey with me, starting businesses, running businesses, and changing the world. I could totally see myself falling for another entrepreneur, or at least someone with similar attributes. Really hoping you'll enjoy music with me and being creative together. Photo shoot dates will be a must and I'll probably request them every so often. Just be prepared for a crazy future together! I'm not going to ask for anything less than that from our good LORD in Heaven.

He knows where you're at. I guess that's what matters most. I'm praying for you. I'll be waiting.

Love,
Stephanie Ann

On Time.

Today was one of those days where I received something I needed without even knowing I needed it. It was a day where God surprised me with a new friend that I would have never guessed would be exactly the person I needed a talk with. And after that talk I could feel less alone in a few things and understood. I could listen to her past pain and hear her story and somehow it made me feel more strength. Because I was sitting across from someone who views life a lot like I view it. We believe in what we want and we go after it, while loving hard along the way.

My heart is still healing and as it does I am thankful for the people God brings along to make me even stronger. I love hearing stories because it shows me a greater picture of who God is and the more people I know, the more that story becomes whole. Getting to know God is a never-ending process because that's how great He is. I will never fully know Him and therefore I will never have reason to stop listening. There will always be something new to learn and I'm so happy I serve a God like that.

I believe there are great things ahead of me and I know that my heart will always be in His hands. I know that the person I still miss and tear up over even to this day is still being cared for deeply. I know that my heart is strong, my heart is genuine, and it's soft and I'm so very thankful that God got me through the toughest parts in each of my situations. I refuse to let my heart harden because I know that will never do me any good. I am a forgiver. I am graceful. I am understanding. I am loving. And most importantly, I am forgiven, understood, and loved.

To the man who still resides in my heart, this I pray:
I pray that no matter what you lose, what you go through, and what dangers might come your way that you always turn to God. I pray that you never forget your importance. I pray that you learn to love and make the right decisions because even though I haven't told you I forgive you, I do. Even though we don't speak, I think about you every single day. I remember everything we shared and I value all of our memories. I am sorry for my anger and I pray that God guides you to where you are meant to be. As much as I wish you'd come back so I could hug you once again, I know that no matter what, God will always be with you. And because He is my connection to you, I know I can always pray for you.

I hope the people you need come your way and I will continue to fight the emotions that come my way as I miss you. I hope you find your worth in God and that someday we can be okay.

It's going to be okay because God's got this.

I Don't Know How Not to Miss You.

Well, let's just face the facts again.

I miss you and I don't know how not to miss you. I can be happy, laughing, having a grand ol' day living my life, growing, moving forward, planning, and becoming someone greater. But at the end of the night, I'm basically faced with what is still in my heart. And that's where you happen to be. I think of all the good times, but really, I just think of you in general. I think your existence always meant something to me and too many times I have asked God why I must feel the way I do. I ask Him all too often how long this will last. I just keep wondering.

And I keep wondering because I know you're absent and without you here, thinking of you will only leave me tearing up in the end. I think that eventually I have to stop missing you otherwise eventually you'd have to come back and prove to me you'll stay this time. But see, both of those two options seem so impossible. And now I realize that the easiest way for me to accept this is to stop denying it. Sounds simple, but you'd be surprised at how much it's not.

Let's see. The hardest part is everyone around me probably wondering why on earth I'd still be dreaming of you. They probably think I shouldn't miss you, but that's the thing; these people never knew you the way I knew you. They also never loved you the way I loved you. Perhaps I'm the only one on this earth who took that much time and that much love out of my heart for you. But that's what makes me kind of special, I guess.

This is the hardest special award for me to possess. Because of this, I just keep missing you. It's like you should be here, but for now you just are not. And since you are not, I am waiting. But yet at the same time I've put no hold on my future. I am thankful that I can continuously move forward without hesitation, but it doesn't stop the pondering. I then wonder, would you be proud of me? Would you take back everything you said and thought if you actually knew me beyond the filter you put over me? Would you break down and shatter in front of me just to be with me? Probably not, seeing as how you're nowhere in sight.

But I'm failing quite miserably in forgetting you. I will never forget you. You hold so many of my "firsts," and now no one but you will have that. Your hand was probably my favorite hand to hold because it was the only one that fit so well inside mine. I'm afraid that if I will keep missing you, since I do not know how to stop, and that the only way to get over this is to meet someone grander than you. But in order to meet someone grander, I'm convinced I must move on from you. You see the problem there? I'm in a pickle and all I know right now is there's still something special and unique in you that I am just not completely me without.

I'm better now. So much better now. I'm motivated, I'm inspired, and I'm determined. But I miss your encouragement with all of my heart. I miss your enthusiasm when I shared my ideas. I miss it all and I think we needed this break in order to make us better. And that's the saddest part of all. Because with this break, you might never come back. Without it, I wouldn't have learned why on earth I loved you and what it feels like to be angry and stand up for myself. I wouldn't know what I really desire and why I really deserve without the breaking of us. But at the same time, I think that is what would make a better us and now I can only pray God leads you back to me. Because if you're not meant to come back, I really don't want to miss you anymore.

But here I am again.

Remembering
every
single
thing
we
shared.

Moving On.

Well, it is time for my world to shift and everything to change yet again. It is time I move on with all the wisdom I gained along the way. I will never be able to explain the "why's" in my life, but I know the One who can. All the unexpected events in my life in the past few years to continues to show how we truly don't know what the future holds and that anything--absolutely anything--can change at any moment without consent. With that being the case, we can only plan so much and so far ahead before it's too much and too soon.

Faith isn't believing in what you see in front of you. No. Faith is believing in what you cannot see. And if that is the case, in order to have faith in God over my future, I must believe in all the things I cannot see. I cannot see where He will take me in the future no matter how much I plan. And the more I plan, the more disappointed I become when most of it fails to fall into place. This is God's blessing in disguise for my life. It looks like He's just disrupting my hopes and dreams, but He's not. No, He's rather giving me a story worth telling. One that can help at least one other person gain hope and see joy after a storm.

Here's to my next journey. It won't be here in this blog so I'm starting a new one. I have an intro blog up and will soon be writing about some emotions that tend to try to come along. I will write about the negative effects as well as the positive effects. I will write about the mini surprises along the way as well as the big surprises. I will write about anger, the kind that is hard to get rid of but the kind I fight through for the sake of love.

If you want to follow along, please feel free.
http://hellounexpected.blogspot.com/

Moving on!

The Dark Season.

I've been in a dark season lately. It is an odd feeling and sometimes too much to bear. I turn to God every moment I feel worse and whisper prayers daily just to get through. I want to know that someday I can look back on this dark season though and be so thankful I made it through. I know that time is the only thing to fight now, but along with time I can feel the side effects of fear, anxiety, sadness, confusion, and dissatisfaction.

This past month I have fed myself as spiritually as I could. I have connected with people from my church, I have shared concerns with loved ones, and I have found uplifting songs to help me remember that God is with me and that all will be alright. I have read books as well, specifically one to remind me that no matter what life brings us, God is able. This idea that God is able has helped me believe that what I'm going through can serve a beautiful purpose. I refuse to step away from God and live life without His comfort.

This dark season is a time that I had to let go of a best friend. I had to let go of all the things I cherished and all the treasures I gave away to someone whom I had no idea would walk away so quickly. Our story was my favorite one because of how often our paths crossed. And now I'm at this point where all I can do is look up to God just to ask, "Why did this happen to me?" And yet I know that God can turn this all around and make a way where there seems to be no way. I know God can transform my heart as well as the heart of others involved. I know this because God is ABLE.

Please, future Stephanie. Please keep walking forward. Please look back on this someday, look back on this blog, and see that you are capable because of God's ability and power. Please don't give up and wait for the storm to pass so that the rainbow can shine bright and the birds can sing songs of praise to the King who has every intention to get you through.

When you walk on, walk on with hope. God will make a way.

God will make a way.

He is able.

Those God Moments.

Today was a regular day. I got up in the morning, I found out I didn't have to work as early as I thought, I fell back asleep, I laid around until it was time to get up, get ready, and get out of the apartment. I arrived at the high school that hosted a day camp for kids through my church and I photographed the little moments all around me. I walked quietly to my car to take a break and I sat there in silence. Life continues forward.

I finished up the day and took a quick stop by the church office to sit down with a supervisor for the internship I have. We filled out some paperwork I needed, I said my thanks, and walked out. I sat back in my car and endured the rush hour traffic of what should have been a 15 minute drive but was instead doubled as I slowly made my way East on the 210 freeway. Good afternoon, Southern California. What's for dinner?

I returned to my room where my roommate was laying on her bed, occupied by her tablet. We chatted for a bit, snacking on our M&M's. This was a normal day. A very, very normal day. When she left to see her fiance, I sat back in the room and was alone. I was hungry, so I got up and heated up a hot pocket. Returning, I decided to turn on my laptop and pick out a movie. I resulted to a movie about a girl who meets a celebrity boy and although very opposite, they learn so much from each other. In the end, they're completely different people, conquering life to the best of their abilities.

My very regular and normal day then turned into one of those moments. I call them "almost God moments" because they are the moments that happen right before God happens. It is the moment where I allow the sudden silence to surround me and out come whispers of who I am, where I am, and what I dream to be. After these whispers occur, I look at everything around me and out the window at the trees, the cars, and anything moving. I then listen to the little noises and think, "This is life and something grand can happen now if I only believe it and ask for it."

That's what enters me into the God moment. I can only look up to the Creator to wonder about His greatness. He can go beyond my imagination to bring forth something far greater than I can dream up. I know I must come to Him with faith as big as it can get so that my answer can be just as big, if not beyond what I ask.

I decide to stand inside my closet area that is blocked off by curtains. This I call my prayer room, prayer space, or prayer closet. This is where the spiritual war takes place. My prayers begin and next thing I know I am lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling in nearly darkness, praying to the God who never fails me. My words turn into fighting words as I pray for loved ones. I then pinpoint a specific person currently in my heart and the words keep flowing.

It is in those God moments that everything around me can feel different. It is during those God moments that my faith increases, my strength increases, and my love increases. I begin to pray for a heart that isn't mine, a life that I have no control over, and a pain I cannot fix. I pray for God to reach deep into their soul and turn their sorrows into laughter, their weakness into strength, their failures into victories! And I cannot get myself to stop. Tears flow down as I pray God disrupts their path and fills them with an overwhelming sense of love, of peace, of joy. I pray He breaks them down so much so that they cannot help but wonder, question, and seek the answer to what is happening in their heart.

God has taught me through the people who have come into my life that I am capable of loving. He has taught me that my imagination for the perfect person is not as grand as His own creations of people who are real, who are broken, who are capable of being vulnerable and worthy. God has taught me that there is power in prayer, there is strength when I seek it and that there is nothing more mighty than Him. God has showed me moments of brokenness that lead to moments of joy and how very, very possible miracles are.

Today was a regular day until God showed up and reminded me...He is able.

The Best.

Dear You,

I can give you reasons why you're the best and write up an essay as to why I believe you're incredible. I could also do the opposite, but that's the power of freewill. You see, I've chosen to paint a portrait of your best lest I bring you down. I always liked that I could see the whole of you, the good and the bad. But the most incredible part of that was the mere fact that there would always be something new to learn.

So here goes.

You could smile easily or laugh easily, but when that happiness disappeared, so did the sparkle in your eye. But I loved the way your eyes squinted and I loved when the sparkle was present. When you laughed, your entire body laughed with you. It brought a sense of joy upon me just to see you do so and during some cases, I would simply observe you just to enjoy that moment. I felt like I just knew you, all of you, somehow, and I felt special.

You would become super concentrated on certain tasks and I'd choose patience to wait on you in those moments. I could sit by you or stare at you across the room telling myself over and over, "Let him just be him." I fought the urges to tear you away from what you needed because I wanted to enjoy you, not criticize you. I often wondered who on earth would ever take that time to let you be you. But that single moment you chose to turn to me, usually followed by an apology, my smile would return and I'd remind myself how lucky I was that you chose me.

Your touch was never too forward. You were always so subtle. The way you would stroke my arm during cuddling or sometimes play with my hair were the tiniest moments that I recorded in my mind and can still play them in my head to this day. I waited so long for the moments that we shared and I always felt so certain with you. For once I was finally able to accept you instead of run from you, and I worked so hard at thoroughly enjoying your presence.

But I always go back to those eyes. You had this way of looking at me. And not just at me, but into my soul with the slightest yet most piercing subtle smile on your lips and I just wasn't on earth for a moment. This feeling you put in me always resulted to me reaching to touch your hair because I could not figure out how to handle such a moment.

I keep thinking you should be here, that you should have been sitting next to me in church. I keep thinking I should be holding your hand because no other hand fit so well with mine but yours. I keep thinking you'll come to my door with a bouquet of flowers confessing that you missed me and that you should have never walked away. I keep hoping because I can't help it. I keep hoping because I can't make sense of your absence all over again.

The timing hurts me because I endure summer without you last year and this year I kept looking forward to the sunshine with you. I looked forward to warm nights, star-gazing, camping, and beach trips. I looked forward to day trips and night cuddling with movies and maybe popcorn. You changed my world all over again and walking away was possibly the hardest thing I've done because this is the second time you let me go. The tears keep falling from my eyes and when they do...I can't stop them fast enough.

I'm going to be tough, but you were my favorite pair of arms. You were my favorite pair of eyes and my favorite sound. Everything about you was good enough, from your flaws to your perfections. Your failures meant nothing to me and your doubt didn't intimidate me. I was not afraid of you but rather afraid of the absence of you. I kept thinking we would go back to normal before you made such a decision to break us apart.

And I keep hoping. I keep wishing. I keep dreaming.

I keep wondering if maybe one day I'll hear the knock. On that day I will open up the door to your face and embrace you with no words.

I keep hoping you'll come back.
Even if that day doesn't come...I meant it when I said that you're the best.

Love,
Me