Hidden Words.

I cannot say the words. They are the only things I hold back. I just cannot say them. They would explain everything, but yet I cannot let them leave my mouth. They have trapped themselves inside my overly protected heart and refuse to ever escape. I will commit the actions. I will imitate my thoughts. But those words--oh how I fear to share those words--they remain hidden deep inside.

It's very silly of me to automatically assume that the consequences will be the same. It's also very silly of me to allow myself to even half believe that history will be repeated in exactly the same manner. Nothing is quite the same anymore and one may think this is enough reason for me not to fear. But all I know is one way and that one way is all I see. If the words come out, I will shut down and run away.

I remember when I had the ability to let the words out. I spoke it, sung it, and put my little heart on the line shouting, "Speak!" I got so used to it, that even if I was afraid, I still spoke. I was used to the words that always came back. Those words that came back were faithful to return each and every single time that my own words departed into open honesty. They filled the empty space like perfume and back in my face came toxic.

I cried one too many tears each time those words left. I'd hold them in for months at a time and let them fly out like an exploding bomb. I thought this was dangerous and risky... But I got used to it. And that's the thing this time. I was used to it. I know very well how much it hurt to have those words practically shoved back into my face. My honesty was the most scariest thing to put out there in that open space. I put it in lyrics--they went ignored. I put it in a journal--it was returned with less than what I wished for. I put those words in metaphor--but it was never enough.

The words would never have been enough. It took me years to accept and finally understand that I sent forth those words to the wrong set of ears. They'd always come back to me, void or unaccepted. Maybe I'm thankful that they did, but it sure did leave me with the idea in mind--speaking those words will indeed end with heartbreak. Speaking those words is that one step to letting go and sometimes, I just don't think I want to let go.

If I hold these words in, I can endure longer. If I hold them in, I can hope more. If I hold them in, there is that possibility that my actions will speak loud enough for me to show me whether the words are worth it or not. Maybe if I hold them in, I can easily sneak myself out the door and run as far as I can. I'll run so far that no one can hear those words. No one can return them void.

And when I run, I'll look back in high hopes that the ears meant to hear such words will run after me and tell me to "speak." Maybe then I'll say those words. They'll leave my mouth like they were begging to be set free and float themselves into the perfect set of ears. These ears will accept these words as if they're medicine for the heart. These words will change their disbelief and mend their wounded and fearful heart. Maybe these words will be all that they were hoping for and I'll never run again.

Excited For My Return.

I am so excited for my return to APU. Not just because I love the school and the community and the classes, but because there are so many faces I miss seeing. There are people I miss sitting on campus with, so many friends I miss going on "dates" with and laughing the day away. I made some memorable moments and valuable friends that have helped change my life for the better.

There is just something special about this year that makes me feel genuinely happy. Life is looking up. Love is in the air and God is good! Seriously, I feel so loved at that school. I feel important! I feel smart too! And I hated school and homework! But of course, that was high school and not many people actually like high school... Well, at least I didn't!

This is a more casual blog entry, sort of like a facebook post entry. But I felt this blog needed an update nonetheless. I'm learning a lot this year! I'm learning to be happy too. I'm learning to be myself.

Nothing compares to what God prepares.

The Hardest Part.

The hardest part of letting go of fear is getting yourself to realize reality. I wish I knew why we as humans were capable of undergoing any such fear, but I guess that is life. When our desires mix with our actual possessions and life choices, things can get messy. But when reality comes riding by showing you things you wish were not so, it's not fun at all and it probably never will be.

But how do you prepare yourself to accept a "no" to what you wish was a "yes"? Or how do you prepare yourself for the answer you'd instead dread if it came to be true? I've of course not mastered this at all, but daily I might fight my mind over it. If I'm to let go of fear, I either need to face it first, or accept the thing I fear the most may very well happen.

I'll admit this: one day I'm afraid that someone will discover how amazing you actually are and steal you away. If that day comes, I am not sure how well I'll handle it. I imagine though that I am not the only one who sees this and you're definitely not a game to win. I'm not looking for competition, fighting for a prize that I may not achieve. But you're special enough to fight for, if I ever found the right amount of courage.

But they'll find you and I'll have to let you go. You'll be extremely picky as you've always been and I'll be behind you wondering who will ever be good enough for you. Yet I'm too afraid to selfishly tell you that I don't want to let anyone take you. I respect what we have, and yet I'm hiding so much from you because I'm just afraid of your response. Not that you'd be hurtful about it, but I know you'd be honest and I am not sure I'm what you will ever want.

Often times you make comments as if I could be, and I go off in daydreaming a day you change your mind about us. I didn't realize I lost a ton of hope until I found myself desperate for just a dose. It's what I now pray for, that God could simply give me hope. In this story and in my entire life. Maybe I've forgotten what hope feels like and with the lack of it, I feel awful. I pray now that He will fulfill me and grant me back that hope that will get me through this.

You are quite the treasure, and even if I cannot attain you, I will still try to value you and love you the way I know you deserve. If one day that means letting you go, I'll love you enough to do so. And one day I'll find the strength to tell you all of this.

Stuck in Climax.

There is always a format in which great books and great movies are written and created. They all contain a plot that has its climax and conclusion to seal the deal. We are drawn in with being able to connect to the characters, understand the issue, and long for a solution. Right before it reaches its happy ending, with all issues resolved, it hits a rough climax of the story. In this moment, it’s as if everything has gone wrong and all looks worse. But in due time, the pieces connect and all characters can breathe once again because they've instead learned a valuable lesson and received their reward for enduring.

I like to say this is the typical way of life. In fact, perhaps script writers for these type of movies only use this format because it not only lets the audience get the most out of a story with all questions hopefully answered, but because it also reflects how life can be. We all discover an issue or situation in our own lives and we all work to find a solution. In a sense, it’s inevitable because we’re all somehow looking for that “good life.”

As for me…I’m not sure I’ll ever get past the climax. It’s frustrating to think about, sad to admit, and incredibly stressful to deal with. In fact, I spend a lot of months pushing it aside. I've mastered the idea of standing back up and continuing forth. I can proudly say that I am a patient and persevering human being. But by proud, I do not mean I shout it to the world. I only mean that I've found myself doing this for years on end and each thing I’ve faced has yet to find its rightful solution.

But today I simply feel like crying. I feel like once again I just want to give up and I have no idea how. In fact, it seems so impossible to give up. But this want to give up is exactly what caused me to even write such an idea that even when I reach the point of giving up, nothing changes at all. I actually think about the lack of change now, as if I caught on to my own pattern that I subconsciously acted out beforehand. I’m that character in a movie who confesses they cannot do what they’re doing anymore because it hurts. Only in this movie that I call life, I don’t get that wonderful and rewarding solution.

To me, this sounds so negative. As if I don’t believe in myself or in God. But that is not true, I know it is not. I’ve spent plenty of years believing in myself and plenty of years believing in God. He is the reason why I’ve managed to endure with the patience I recognize I have. I've believed the impossible so much so that I had friends tell me, “You of all people are the most deserving I know with how much you fight and how long you’ve waited.” In shock I would look at them and think to myself, wondering if it really seemed that way.

It seems that in my life I have managed to pick the largest issues I've faced, and believe they would change. I would spent an excessive amount praying, waiting, and believing. Eventually I would lose the strength and either accept reality, or walk away. No, in fact, I was pushed enough to run away. I don’t know what a reward really is, or so it feels that way. Things come my way, I have this faith that maybe God sent forth certain people and then in the end, I feel like I've lost and they won. So I walk along and try to find happiness again.

To be honest, I don’t really know what to pray for anymore. I’ll pray for requests, like a friend in need or a family member who is sick. I’ll pray for my own self, to make it one more day or as usual, just get up and endure, even if nothing changes. I’m twenty-three years old and I still suffer the same things since I was seventeen. I think that’s long enough to safely say that I am most definitely tired and out of reasons to continue on.

It’s just that I spent a great deal of time praying for the situation I once was in. I made a friend, accidentally fell in love, learned he didn't want more, and then later discovered God wanted me to learn what love was. So I loved him while learning and sacrificed more than I ever have in my life. I prayed daily and nightly for years, going back and forth between my own pain and praying for his salvation. I begged God, bribed God, questioned God, and cried out many times to God. I still believed He would do something and that something would change. But in the end, I lost the ability to go on. My heart was hurting, my faith was confused, and I was blinded to reality.

I chose to turn it to God at last minute, to get up and go, to walk forth, and suffer even more when I could have chosen to simply give up. But I couldn’t. My faith was still strong, somehow…and I wanted to still believe. I just wanted to believe that God had something greater for me. During that time a huge change in heart occurred.  Not the friend’s heart, but mine. I gave up that battle and felt nothing anymore. The pain was gone, the suffering ended, and I believed I could do anything. I just didn’t know what to do yet.

I left that story at its climax. The friend I prayed daily for grew worse, became an atheist, and I looked back wondering what the point was. But sure, I did move on. But it’s so hard to believe that my faith could do anything. Because along with that huge story, I’ve had plenty of smaller stories. Stories where I feel like I am sent into people’s lives, but I never see that person actually become changed in any way because of me. Often, they even grow angry and our differences show, and I lose them instead. Even if they come back later apologizing, we are never the same.

I can never seem to see a change, or a solution…a conclusion. Everything gets left the way it was, if not worse, and I move along trying to simply find my own happiness for the sake of my sanity. But I’m tired and quite frankly, I am broken. I feel like begging God for one reward so I can just feel like my prayers mean something, that they make a difference.

And now here I am, in love all over again with someone else and this one is already saved. I’m not begging God to save him or change him, I’m not hurt by what he does to me, and I’m not worried over his life. He asks me for prayer when he’s in need and prays for me in return. He has his issues and he deals with them as best as he can. He doesn't bring me down, he doesn't offend me… He’s just that one friend in my life who makes me feel better when I’m around him and afraid when I’m away. I've become afraid that I will keep on falling for him and that one day I will just give up. And nothing will ever change on his part.

I believe this without trying because it is all I know. I am not sure how to know otherwise anymore. When I want to give up, there is no beautiful solution, a change in scenery, and a happy ending. It is this constant climax, where everything goes wrong when I feel like giving up and then that is it. It stays that way until I have to choose to get up, continue on, and believe anyway. Believe what? I’m not sure anymore. I can’t make him choose me, I can’t make anyone choose me. If I could though, it wouldn't be that satisfying. And although I know God chooses me, it’s really hard to feel a certain way when I lack to feel it on this earth.

I have no examples to go off of. And if I did have an example, it would have been the way my dad bragged about me. But the truth and reality of it all is that my dad is gone now. To add to all of this lack of reward, I lose my one and only dad. I find myself trying incredibly hard to now instead believe that I am at a proper climax in my life and that soon enough, I will find my reward. I can’t help but want to believe that. I think that I will feel silly, as if I’m one step away from it all… But that never has happened. I’ve been here before. I’ve felt this before. The only thing that happens next is another set of years waiting for things that never happen. I wish I could have better endings to my stories. But all people hear from me are helpless looking situations and no solutions. No rewards. No exciting news.

Maybe I embrace my ability to make it into a top Christian university because it’s that one thing I could proudly say, “Hey, I got accepted. Hey, I finished my first year. Hey, I’m going for BFA in production.” And no, I’m not graduated yet to say I actually completed it, and I don’t have a job in movie production, but I’m on my way in hopes that this one thing in my life will have its ending, solution, and reward to one day share this story. But yet I didn’t even spend years wanting this. In fact, it hit me overnight and took a few months to happen. I didn’t spend as much time praying for this the way I spent with other things.

I’m writing this to say that I want God to change my heart. I want Him to teach me why I feel this way. I’m writing in hopes that I will understand what’s going on because I want to believe. I want to keep going. I want to know what a reward feels like for enduring all these years that I have.

I want to feel special and important the way I am taught God feels about me. I want to experience what that really, truly means. I want to one day look into someone’s eyes and believe them when they say that they love me and value me. I only want that because it’s built into me to want that but I am one step away from giving up that dream. Because it’s that one dream that I cannot reach on my own.

To Back Away.

I know this may be silly, but I have found myself at a place where I cannot help but question why on earth I dragged myself through a tough situation for years. I am nearing my two-year mark of living without that situation, being freed and made new, yet I can't help but feel ashamed. I know I can stand unashamed in front of God, but this human part of me wishes I never had to say I suffered that way. This has caused me to fear loving completely because it always came with tears in the past. How silly is that?

I have now moved on, made new friends, made a new life, but then I had to go and meet an individual who would change my life. And I find myself wanting to love him, even as just a friend, but I can't help but associate that with my choice to love a broken person in the past and being hurt at the same time. I'm so very tired of this because I thought I overcame this. I did overcome this, but these feelings, desires, and human abilities--they remind me so very much of what I already went through. Can't these memories just dissipate? Can they just leave me alone for once?

I'm suddenly finding myself with the want to back away, to pretend this never happened, and to silently confess to him I cannot be his friend. He doesn't deserve to be placed as the friend I could only "wish to love." I want him happy, and I want him to find that happiness and I don't ever want to hold him back from that just because I selfishly wish I could make him happy. I don't want to make him feel like he has to be careful around me. He is too good for that and I wish I could just easily remove myself from his memory so that I never looked for him, never found him, and never cried over the walls I see around him.

God, I am so sorry I've found myself in this hole again. You've worked so hard at fixing me, molding me, and loving me. I've grown so much, I've made it through, and then I decided I would be a great friend to him. I decided I would love despite my fears, give as much as I can, and trust that You wouldn't let me fall. But here I am, realizing I don't think I can actually do this. I forget what You've said to me, and I don't understand Your ways, but surely You wouldn't want me to bring him down because of my lack of confidence and self-security?

I'm still his friend because I don't have the heart to break it, but I'm slowly getting to that one step  before walking away so that he could find what he's looking for because I am not sure I can watch. I'm weak, and I guess what I'm really saying is I need You right now to change my mind.

My Other Half.

One day I'm going to discover the other half of me. The half of me that would make me more weird, but in whole weirdness instead of half. One day I'm going to discover the half of me that understands the things I'm unable to understand on my own. One day I'm going to discover the half of me that sleeps on the left side of the bed when I want the right. One day I'm going to discover the other half of me that thinks logically when I'm stuck with emotions.

In that day I will see that God only knew what I was missing. He won't be perfect. He'll be imperfect. But he'll understand my need for adventure and he'll lead the way. He'll laugh without being rude in his humor and he'll believe in me. I guess this seems like I have the exact image of him, but the truth is...I don't. I just know what part of him will help me see him. He can favor fish over chicken or tea over soda, and we'll be opposite in that--but I won't mind. He can also be just like me and like all the same foods. The point is, I don't care what he'll favor more because I'll value his opinion nonetheless.

But his speech. I long to marry a man full of speech that lifts me up--dare I ever limit myself to the contrary. He'll talk with intelligence in ways I can't and I'll hold onto the things that I know better. We'll teach each other all the things we individually know and become so in sync that the world will be in the most healthy form of jealous. I could be dreaming, but this is what would win my heart over.

I'm going to discover the other half of me that represents God in the ways I just cannot. The masculine side of God I dare not possess and I'll be the feminine part of God that he cannot represent. Together we will be a more complete image of a glimpse of God. This other half of mine will be passionate for God, longing to spread his word in action. We will spread love in all the ways that we can and give the hopeless hope.

One day I'm going to discover the other half of me that will understand how it feels to want this.

Dear Self.

Dear Self,

I feel like I must remind you of a few things because I'm aware of how far you've come from who you once were, and I'd really like you to remain on that path to bettering yourself. First of all, I must remind you of how very human and normal you are when it comes to your concerns, fears, and feelings. Fear happens, crying happens, and desires happen. Because of the fact that you're normal, you should also know that this gives you no reason to ever look down on yourself or be afraid.

Now, I know you're doing better now, but I would desire you to stay that way. Break away as best as you can from the old habits that tend to die hard. Eliminate the rude jokes, don't expect that of others, and be a fun but positive light to the people around you. Get your mind to consciously be aware of these things so that you know to treat people the beautiful way you'd want to be treated. God has placed in your life the people you need at this current moment in your life to help you with those things and I know you're thankful for that.

I also would like to remind you that you're beautiful! You care for people, you like giving people time, and you aim to fix yourself when you know there might be issues you're dealing with. You've grown so much in a year and you shine more often. Believe in yourself and trust that people love being your friend when they say so. You're never "too much" to your true friends because they enjoy you just the way you are. Remain considerate, keep working at things you dislike about your old habits, and smile often.

Also, having feelings is normal. Being nervous around someone you admire is normal. It's human. We are just made that way. It doesn't mean you'll get in trouble, or that they'll dislike you. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you or that you are in the wrong. It doesn't mean anything bad at all! It happens! Someone is going to come along in your life and sure, you'll be nervous, and they'll be great, but someone will come and they'll love you just the way you are. Whether you're nervous or not, you're normal. You're human. You're made with a heart and soul!

Don't forget these things. You're not that past Stephanie anymore. You're not sad. You're not drowning. You're not suffering. You're alive and you're on a better path now. God has taught you so much about unconditional love and He is now mending your wounds and healing some scars that needed healing. He is now showing you how much you're worth and how you've always been worth this. He's showing you true friendship in people and a lot of care because He knows how much you need it. And He loves you so very much that He has not forgotten you or abandoned you!

He's got your back and He's giving you a second chance to now see the beauty in what could have been another tough situation. This is how much He loves you. God has given you who you need to help fix the problems you once had.

You've got this. He's got this.

Sincerely,
Yourself.