Past Scars.

I guess I would have never thought at the time that it would affect me the way it does now. I'm learning how to let these scars heal, but they're definitely making themselves known. Each time I come remotely close to a similar setting as something in the past, I feel as though I expect it to go a certain way. It's comforting to know it is not that way anymore, but yet I'm still somewhat broken. Thankfully my brokenness has been bandaged and it's merely time with consistent building that is able to heal me of it.

You see, he wasn't a bad friend. He was good to me. But he had this way of joking and teasing me. For the most part, I tolerated it. In fact, I ignored half of it and "took the hit." There were times that he would give me a glare and say something rude or inappropriate. I learned to just take it as a joke. It didn't matter if it hurt my feelings, he just assumed it shouldn't. After enough of this silent non-intentional abuse, there was a lot of building to do to bring me  back up again.

Now, I'm not talking down on him. But sadly I can see now how afraid it made me. I learned to watch my behavior around him more than necessary. Not that I had bad behavior, because I didn't. But that I might annoy him if I'm too happy and he's not. Or perhaps I would annoy him if I wanted to do a certain thing and he wanted to do his own thing. For the most part, I always let him choose and I always let him lead. I was fine with him leading, yet afraid of being honest with how he'd make me feel if something ever hurt me. I learned to ignore a lot of myself around him. I suppose it helped me become less selfish. In fact, I was always the most giving around him.

His friendship really tested my ability to love. We disagreed on a lot of morals and ways of living. We had two completely different lifestyles, but I avoided arguments as much as possible. If we did argue, I always ended up crying over the fact that I displeased him. He once called me "too submissive" and tied that into how he doesn't believe men and women have different roles. He saw me as a "traditional" type of person and it was another reason why he would never consider being with me. I look back now and am thankful it didn't work out, but the scars somehow still remain.

If I do end up in a similar setting with a male friend now, I react naturally in the one way I grew to know. I was used to minding my distance and not initiating something as simple as a hug. I am afraid to sit too close to a guy and get too excited around them. In my mind I think that they will not want me to be happy over them. Although this is only noticeable with close male friends that I choose to openly get to know, I still notice other areas in my life that it's affected me.

An example of a similar setting is in the car. Recently I was able to ride in a car with one of my closest male friends. Although I know he is not like my past friend, I still act like he will treat me that way. It reminded me of once sitting in the car with the past friend and feeling all that pain inside over our situation. Now I have to remind myself that it is all over. I got used to someone who took complete control over my emotions. Not that he intended to, but I somehow let him.

He would get mad. And when he got mad, he would say rude comments and his jokes would sound too serious. His famous question to me when he was angry was, "Do you think I'm kidding?" I caught a few of these jokes on camera which at the time I accepted it as a joke. But looking back at them today I see how much he was scarring me subtly over time. It's not that he intended to, but I let myself take each hit from him and I pretended that it didn't hurt me. I pretended because I didn't want to look "weak" around him. I didn't want to complain over anything. I didn't want to make him mad at me because I knew it would only hurt me.

When we would take night walks or plan a hiking trip in the hills, he would complain if I didn't wear the right shoes or clothes. He would roll his eyes when I would claim that it doesn't bother me to wear what I was wearing and he would finally ignore it and continue on. I was afraid of being too "girly" around him. It affects me to this day, as if all guys are annoyed with the same things. If I fell behind, he would keep walking and very rarely wait for me. When he did wait, he would either make a joke complaint, or insist I hurry up. It almost felt like he didn't believe he should consider my own feelings or strength and weaknesses. I pretended half the time like I was fine, and I'd hurry to his side.

There also came the times when he'd ignore me or lack to respond to text messages noticeably and I'd later find out that he was doing it on purpose. Therefore I knew that "lack of texts" means it's "on purpose" and it is so hard to ignore those thoughts with the friends I have today. Some times when we'd hang out, he would be on his phone quite a lot and I'd just silently be off to the side, pretending like it didn't matter to me. But yet I was afraid half the time that he didn't really want to be around me. I began to believe that he'd rather be with other friends. Maybe he liked who I was, but he didn't like all of me.

He openly stated that he resented a part of me. I knew it was the part that didn't agree with his chosen lifestyle, but I chose to keep those thoughts silent. I didn't let them determine anything, really. I still chose to be loving and forgiving. But it didn't matter. He still resented me and yet kept my friendship. It always boggled my mind why he kept my friendship. He said he valued it, and I suppose I believed him. But little did I know it was hurting me more than I actually thought.

After a year of friendship he actually started purposely avoiding me, I really never knew why until the two months passed and he confessed it. Then after four years of friendship he decided we'd part ways and we spent three months of no friendship until I found out his mom died. After that we built up a friendship again and I was always there for him. And then I got my hopes up on accident only to be kicked down all over again with the words, "I will never wake up and realize that I love you." He really knew how to make sure I was aware that nothing would ever happen. It's good he was honest, but it doesn't mean it hurt any less. It's not that I wish he would have said otherwise, but that I wish I didn't have to go through it at all. But I did, and I guess I'm stronger now.

Eventually he hid his whole other life from me and lied to me a lot. He wasn't quite open with much. When we would talk, he would be a great listener, but he could never say much about himself. He couldn't, I guess. He acted like a different person around me--like an edited version that I wouldn't be "offended" by. It seems that was his mindset, at least. He was afraid of hurting me, even though he already hurt me a  lot. But eventually I built up anger and felt awful for it... It led him to being honest though and I found out he was actually dating someone and wasn't available to help me because of it. After all those excuses he finally admitted the truth as to why he was too busy suddenly. I felt I was losing the close friendship--I wish I didn't try so hard to hold on.

I got used to him though. For five years, he was the only guy I ever knew. Everyone around me knew it was killing me inside toward the end, but they learned to be silent. I eventually gave up in being strong and gave in to all of my emotions. I said the words "I can't do this anymore" too often and "Don't let me go one more day with this pain, God." I was too broken to even try anymore. I couldn't figure out why I felt so stuck to this particular human being until I gave it all up to God one more time and it all vanished. The battle, the pain, the attachment--gone.

I was left with so many scars, a wounded heart (thankfully now healed) and a lot of fears. The fear of rejection was planted. The fear of being attached to a male friend. The fear of even making a new friend. I chose to finally ignore it and prayed God would send me a Christian friend instead. I didn't know the answer anymore. I kept wanting to run. It always seemed like the easiest answer.. To just run away and never try anymore. If I tried, I would fail again. I was too afraid to make a new friend. I just wanted the right person to come along and treat me with actual godly love. But I was hesitant. I was afraid. I felt "ruined." I had every desire to love again, and yet I could sense this block. Something causing me to hold back and love less.

But see, now I'm in a different place in life. The friends I do have now all build me up and help me believe that I'm fully accepted and loved. I receive compliments that mean the world to me and love that feels real. I now pray that God can take these scars away so that I could love more with the heart that he has given me. I don't want to treat any guy as if they'll treat me the same. I don't want to just run from them when I get afraid of my own feelings. I want to be normal again. I want to overcome this. I want to believe in myself again. I want to know that it's okay--that the past won't repeat again...