To Be Beautiful.

Tonight during chapel I had quite an intimate moment. I began to dig deep inside my heart as I tried to pray my way through. I questioned some things inside of me, and felt this nearness with God. But not a nearness one would think. It was rather a nearness as if He was calling me and I was recognizing how much I needed Him in that moment. As I stood there while the music played, I felt tears being held back and a fragility inside of me. I needed my Counselor again. I needed my Father. I needed my Husband. And as I prayed I began to feel as though I was entering a time and place with God to be just who I am and to let Him love me.

While walking out of the building, I sung to myself. I normally sing to see what words will flow out and I use that time to, in a sense, speak to God about how I feel. That is when I began to really see what has been affecting me again, only this time I addressed it in a much different way. I asked myself questions as to why I long for the things I long, and what part of me has a hard time lacking those things. Once I acknowledged the answer, I began to see what I really long for from God.

There is a part of me that has forgotten what it feels like to be beautiful. Not only have I lacked feeling physically beautiful for quite a long time now, but I've also forgotten perhaps how it feels to be even internally beautiful. My outer appearance makes it incredibly difficult to feel that way about myself. I can't recall feeling lovely, captivating, or visible in the past few months (or maybe a year). I must have ignored this fact, or pushed it aside, but to suddenly admit it to my very own heart led me to this nearness with my Maker.

In order to even ask for anything from God we must first lack it. And in order to understand we lack it, we must acknowledge the lack. It wasn't that God wasn't making me feel beautiful beforehand, it was that I wasn't asking. I wasn't seeking a solution. I wasn't paying attention to such an obvious lack and I was slowly but surely sinking into this belief that I'm invisible and flawed. I'm just a girl struggling to accept myself and looking for absolutely nothing as to not be dissatisfied. I have perhaps grown to live with this habit of not necessarily self-hate, but more on the lines of ignoring my own self.

To reflect this change in me, I have stopped taking self portraits as I used to and I have a hard time watching myself in videos. I have dreams of holding someone's hand and laughing, and I wake to reality that I'm not even allowed to dream of those things. It's not that I need acceptance from human beings, but inevitably I long for more companionship, more affirmations. And yet I have this sudden dire need to hide from the world so that no one can see me. Because if no one can see me, no one will know what I deal with. And if no one knows what I deal with, no one can make me feel worse about it.

Alongside of this inner and almost invisible battle, I have stopped myself from taking risks. I'm not bold, I'm not courageous, and I'm not vulnerable. I'm simply stable, hiding behind whatever mask I could find. Has something caused me to believe this of myself? Has something affected me in this negative way? Is this just another moment in my life where I will acknowledge a problem God simply wants to address and fix? What reason have I given myself to be so incredibly silent over this?

I began to imagine myself running into the arms of God, letting Him hold me and call me special. I began to imagine His view of me. There were no flaws on my face and all He saw was beauty. But in my heart, at the very same time, I wanted to beg God to let my own self see me that way. It's tiring me out to hold myself back from comparing myself to the people around me who have beautiful skin, or wonderful smiles. It's tiring me out to see couples who cherish each other while I'm here convincing myself that I am happy in my singleness. And although I have found contentment in it, I'm always pushing aside daydreams.

I've fought this battle too long. Maybe God is showing me He wants to give me rest. To finally just stop. And listen. And believe.