Becoming Beautiful.

Well, I'm feeling myself entering a new little season and mindset. Not necessarily where I want to be, but my internal thoughts are now processing slightly differently. I think it's the Hallmark movies I watched over Thanksgiving break. They have this sort of power to alter your thoughts and get you dreaming again. Not that the dreaming is a good thing, but it's definitely humanly possible. I started desiring to be a part of fancy Christmas parties, or land an office job and dress up each day for work in "fancy" outfits (that I would miraculously find for cheap). But then I get these thoughts of a stranger coming into my life and changing it. This stranger would then become a friend.

A best friend?

This particular thought, however, throws me right back to where I started. I begin to shake the thoughts away and accept that I must not dream up what isn't happening. My issue is that I don't live in the present with thanksgiving. I live here having the hardest time being thankful and thinking, "Thanks, God. I love my life and I'm so blessed." I can't seem to feel that way and yet I hope and pray for it. People make a vast difference, and I was slowly drifting from my surroundings, and from everything new. When this ends in tears, all I really can do is pray it out.

I'm "mad" now to the point of internally yelling at my emotions and my self. Whatever is trying its hardest to just bring me down can seriously stop torturing me. I'm "mad" because I want to be happy, I want to be my natural self. I want to be the hyper, cheery, weird self that I know I can be. I want to be a friend to my friends and I want to be enough. I want to be desired because of my personality becoming so addicting to people. (Okay, not everyone, just my friends and new potential friends). I want to become that sort of person that someone takes a picture with just to say, "I love this girl. She's amazing to me." And I mean that with any friend that I let be close to me. I don't mean I want someone to say those things--I simply mean I want to become that sort of person worthy enough to be that for someone.

Because I need that.

I have come to recognize how much we as humans utterly need friends. We need people to love us in order to really see and feel God. Without that, we begin to live and feel alone as those who literally do and do not know God. With God, being alone isn't so hard (luckily). But without people to hold close to our hearts, we forget what God's love really is like. And I believe this all starts with the desire to change our own hearts, and to strive for a happiness that other people would yearn for.

I have grown up losing best friends. I have never managed to hold onto someone close enough as to never lose them. And now, as an adult, I find myself letting them slip away and losing confidence in myself. I have a past that made this certain life so easy to live. This sort of lack of self-confidence and broken heart--my past made it too easy for me. But I have this past as my challenge to see if I can overcome these obstacles and show the world a different story. A story of a girl who didn't deserve anything but received everything--somehow, someway, by God.

So I'm letting go of my selfish behavior and I'm going to love as best as I can all the souls that come into my life. I'm going to befriend as best as I can and when I fail, I will still call upon God. I will still get back up and love again.

I guess you could say this is my way of becoming truly and utterly beautiful.