The Current is Getting Strong.

I guess one could say I've reached a point in my life of uncertainty which has led to a type of behavior that basically "goes with the flow." I see myself sinking in some areas and I see myself softening. But yet at the same time, I try to get myself to prepare for the worst while simultaneously preparing myself for the best. I'm vague when need be and I'm detailed when I get tired of holding it in. And yet I'm just...going with it.

I'd be lying to say I don't dread the idea of witnessing him with someone else. To see him walking with someone else, laughing with someone else, and finding what he might have been looking for. I mean, I've got to get myself to believe and accept that I am not that missing piece he seeks. I'm inserted nicely, I am. I invest my time with him, I listen, and I give almost as unconditionally as I know how to give.

Sometimes, when I'm not thinking, I almost convince myself I'm enough for him. Later I admit I'm silly. I push the thoughts aside for a moment and get myself to remember reality. I'll be something to someone someday, today is just not the day. But it's when he just simply looks at me and into my eyes. I can't hold that gaze long for the life of me because I inevitably fear he'll read me like a book. And if he did that, he might see the tiny little fear I still have somewhere deep down inside. And really, that's the last thing I want him to find.

I am starting to highly doubt he can read much of my behavior around him. When he gets too close to me, I freeze, stiffen up, and lack to respond half the time. When he looks at me, I look away too often. If he grabs my arm, I begin to have no idea how to react, what to say, what to do in return, and then he lets go and I regret my hesitance. When I'm close enough to him, I ignore my urges to rest my head on his shoulder if we're sitting next to each other. I ignore my urges to just hold onto him like I can. In my mind, I am respect his wish to remain as friends. And despite the fact that he crosses all the barriers I think we have (well, most), I still can't get myself to feel completely comfortable with nearness.

So what do I do instead? Well, I playfully hit him. And often I push him. I push him because it's the only way to release the constant build up of urges. I make dumb jokes to release the tension inside of me. How does one treat a friend without breaking barriers that make it just a friendship? I keep thinking he is using me to explore what it might feel like for him to have a significant other. Because me, as his closest female friend is possibly the closest thing he has to a companion.

And it's killing me.

I've chosen to go with the flow but the flow is starting to pull me under. I'm giving in slowly but surely all over again. Reading him as if he's my own story to read. Looking at him as if he'll be around me forever. Believing that he somehow, deep down inside, loves me for who I am. Sure, I'm human, I make mistakes, and I dream things that may never come true. I try to pull away from these thoughts, but they come back and truthfully..I'm used to them. I don't even know if I honestly desire more with him anymore. I just know he has become that one thing in life that I cannot have. And with that unfortunate fact, it becomes the biggest reason I even want him..

At his worst, he is distracted--and I am invisible if not an annoyance. At his best, I am the greatest person around and he compliments me, laughs with me, and hugs me. I see these two sides and yet I stick around in hopes to become a more committed individual. So I can hold onto a relationship with someone without running in fear and becoming selfish. I want to invest in it, invite him into my life like I want him there. He makes it so easy at times and I can't figure out how I actually feel.

I still ask myself why I feel the way I feel. Am I trapped? Can I escape? I'm a human, a person, a female...and I have feelings. Sometimes I wonder, when he breaks those barriers, if he's actually aware that I feel something. If I go with this flow too long, I fear I may drown.

I wish I could feel the way he felt instead when the current gets strong in this flow of friendship.

From 2014 to 2015.

It's interesting how my blog remains "A New Journey" when it really feels like every other week or month is a new journey. The constant changes and yet consistent troubles make for this "new" journey to almost be a "redo" of the past. Yet at the same time, it contains different characters, different destinations, and different outcomes. Usually. But tonight I write to simply state that after two years of considering this a "new journey," I finally feel like I've made it to the other side of the mountain and that good things have yet to come. Or shall I say...greater things have yet to come.

In the past two years, with 2013 and 2014 fulfilled, I accomplished boldness, met new people, applied to a university, bought a ticket to England, got accepted into Azusa Pacific University, got on my first plane ride, spent a month and a half in England, moved to Southern California for school, lost my dad unexpectedly, started my second semester of college, moved home for the summer, gained hope (and false hope), hid in fear, faced the fear, experienced anxiety deeply, sought help, missed three weeks of classes, dropped two classes because of it, overcame the anxiety, finished the semester, felt happy again, felt more alive and stronger, and then finished off the year with family and good food and this grand feeling inside that 2015 is going to be extremely DIFFERENT.

What does that even mean to me? Well, for starters, it means I can't guess what could happen. I've entered this new year with no expectations whatsoever. In fact, I've made no plans for the entire year except for attending school and catching up. That means considering summer school and living in Azusa for 12 full months (and possibly 12 more after that if I do summer school again). I mean, at this point, God could honestly do anything or change everything.

For the first 22 years of my life, I was barely getting to know myself, getting to know my limits and my feelings. After that, I stood up and took off. I know there will always be struggles, no matter what you do. No matter how close you are to God, or around good people, the fact that you strive for something deeper means struggles and troubles will indeed follow. It's the very evidence of the choice to dive deeper, swim faster, and get further along. A comfortable life is not a promising life. It's a life not lived--at least, that's what I believe.

Another thing that I have learned, especially in 2014, is that getting close to anyone, no matter who they are, is indeed uncomfortable and will indeed take time to get used to. It's something I have learned that might cause someone (like me) to back away. I've learned in the past year that commitment only looks and feels easier at a distance, but up close it's the scariest thing. Not scary because I wouldn't want to commit, but scary because it puts negative thoughts in my head that will pick out every bad or undesirable thing from a person and make it the reason I shouldn't get so close. And I've also learned that the world is not too keen on commitment..

Yet the most beautiful thing that came out of this is realizing that commitment is the greatest accomplishment because it means keeping your word, loving nonetheless, and making a difference in someone's life. It's even a great preparation for marriage, or simply seeking a job someday. It's the essence to living a fulfilling life. To recognize that even I keep myself at a safe distance from closeness with human beings and lack to properly invest my time and love into people helped me change my ways. It helped me truly see and accept that each person I meet will not match up perfectly with my personality. There will always be something they do that won't be perfect. But the truth is, that will always be the case with me too. I will always have something that someone else could question. This is merely because we are human beings and we make mistakes. Because of our mistakes, it means choosing to commit is key. Choosing to commit is the only way to last a lifetime with anyone--no matter what. We were made to require practicing commitment, acceptance, and love.

I am glad I have put myself on this path to really learn this. I'm glad because I no longer want to let people just slip away when I know they mean a lot. I'm glad because it helps me more openly accept when a good friend accidentally wrongs me, or hurts me. It helps me see that this will always be the case when you just know someone. When you choose to know their life, get involved, and hold that power to destroy them--it makes it more real. Knowing you have that power helps you see how very important you actually are and how big of a difference you can actually make. In fact, God has the power to destroy us all, and that's what makes His love to us greater--the fact that He chooses not to.

I can now look at myself with a much brighter and more beautiful light. To see myself still smile knowing that I've undergone some tough trials and situations in my lifetime. I can look at myself and believe that I'm a special and important human being to a big and powerful God who knows me and yet loves me. And now I can only hope that others can see that in me and that I can pass on this love that I learned. I can only hope now that I can feel more freedom in my life and actually let myself take that risk to get close to others. I hope that I can keep breaking my own walls and helping others break theirs. It's a big risk, but it's worth it. We are made to be relational because of our relational God.

So I hope that 2015 is a good motivation to gain new hope, new goals, and all the more reason to keep moving forward. No more holding back. No more walking away. No more hiding. No more running away from problems. It may take more time to overcome it all, but I'm not giving up. I want to keep taking these risks. I want to grow closer to God and to the people He gives me. I want to stop holding back the love I know is inside of me. I want to stop fearing my own emotions and feelings. I am human. I am special. And I have every right to love no matter what. I may get hurt again and again along the way, but it'll not be in vain.

Here's to 2015. A year of unexpected surprises, I'm sure of it.

Deserving.

People have told me quite a few times in the past few years of my life that I deserve "someone better." The interesting thing is that I've never actually had the opportunity to settle for anyone less.  To think I "deserve" more makes me wonder if what I receive is really in my control. What are these people really saying to me? Jesus sat with tax collectors and sinners, but don't you think He "deserved"  more? Jesus died on a cross, but don't you think he "deserved" more? You see, that's the interesting thing in life. You will never find someone on this earth as perfect for you. We "deserve" really nothing. But with God, everything is just a plus.

Now, because I've not had the opportunity to settle for more or less, I've not even made that mistake of committing to this "less" that they feel I do not deserve. And sure, I'm flattered they think I'm worthy enough for someone great, but is it my fault when someone broken and faulty comes along? And even when a kind soul does present itself into my life, it's not like I'm jump on it like a train and travel the world. I'm starting to think that it's going to take a long time before someone will actually fight hard enough for me. If they can fight that hard though, maybe that's what I "deserve."

Here is my view on what I think I'd like to have. If a man presents himself to me someday, I'd like a wonderful foundation of friendship. With that friendship, I'd like laughter--lots of laughter. I find it one of the most important qualities in any human being. I'm curious, I am, of what it's like for someone to actually look so highly on me. That I am important to them--that my presence makes a difference. I'd want to experience someone who considers my likes and dislikes and respects them (because darling, I'd be doing the same). I'd like someone who can read my eyes and constantly ask me how I'm doing until I give an answer (because sometimes I need that pestering to open up). I'd like someone whose eyes light up when I enter a room. I'd like someone who can give out constant words of affirmation so I never have to question what they think, or how they feel.

Most importantly, I'd like someone who is real--someone broken, faulty, and has a past of trials and tribulations they overcome. I'd like someone who has empathy and a need to understand others. Someone that understands we all make mistakes, but that we can grow from them. This to me is genuine, and I wouldn't ask for perfection because I couldn't ever compare to them. I myself am broken, faulty, and full of failures. I want someone to laugh over mistakes with me and try again at the same time. If this means I'm settling for less, then so be it. Because with God, everything the world believes is great is only reversed and in the end, less is more.

To clarify, I do believe I "deserve" better than someone who treats me less than who I really am. My dad treated me like a gem, like a princess, and like one of the most important persons in the world. With that as the case, and after losing him over a year ago, I hold onto the fact that he has taught me what type of man I should ever settle for. If a man cannot see me the way my father saw me--as special and important--then I highly doubt I'd give such a man my heart. But until then, my heart is safely held in the hands of God.

I'm simply reserving it for a time that someone truly makes me smile from the inside out. Even if the world sees it before we do.

Love the Oppressed.

A building never looks the same on the back. It's not detailed, decorated, nor does it hold up a sign that welcomes you in. In most cases, it is the ugly side. The side that doesn't matter because no one is going to pay attention to it. As long as it has a pretty front, that is all that matters. The buildings that we see that only pay attention to what is on the front side are like the perspectives we have when we only look at someone through our own eyes. Through our emotions, our opinions, and our abilities, we look at someone and judge according to our own. We aren't the owner, and we don't enter through the back. We enter a shopping center, enter through the front, get what we want, and then leave.

I'm not entirely comparing human beings and social behavior to the whole of buildings in general. But it came to mind how we almost treat people like they are a store. If it looks good in the front and has what we need, we'll go in. But do we ever take the time to consider what someone looks like through their perspective? Through entering the back of a building? Through standing behind the register? Do we understand that each person created on this world comes into this world the same way you do? A helpless baby who will grow into what he or she believes based off of how those around them while growing up act and treat them.

Every human being is a sum total of all the influences that surrounded them through all the years they live. And if that's the case, then our existence in each person's life is more important than we know. When someone is angry, they have reasons. Deep reasons that we may not know until we step into their shoes and get a glimpse of why. We can stand in front of them and not bother asking, or we can sit beside them and listen. When someone is sad, there are built up emotions, fears, or experiences that has weighed them down. Will we walk past them or sit beside them and empathize?

I like to say I've been living my life a little more uniquely than the average human being. I notice this by the advice people give me when I'm undergoing tough times. There is more of a praise in "Stand up for yourself, don't deal with those people, and move on" than there is in saying, "Be humble, love anyway, and consider those around you." I look at Jesus and His life and can't help but see how He chose to sit with sinners, with the people the dominant culture was screaming, "Don't sit with those people! They're not good enough! They're unclean!" But Jesus took the oppressed people's side. He saw them being abused and He came over and gave them hope and life. Isn't that what He's asking us to do as well?

That mindset is how I choose to approach each person and trial that I face. When my fear says, "Run away" and my peers agree, God says, "I'll give you rest, stop running." I then find myself with this urge and softening of heart to change my ways from what the world agrees on and portray the ways that God designed in His word. This includes shifting my focus from my own problems and my own self to any other person involved or those around me. To stand up for the people that do not feel good enough and give them a love that not many people bothered to give. My goal is to give those who lack what they need something greater.

Love and care is not a formula, nor can it be defined by words. It's not something you give a definition to, it's something you choose to do. Sometimes it's hard to love when others wrong us, but it's more powerful than anger. Love is giving of yourself and sacrificing what may be important to you and letting the other person benefit instead. Love is listening to their cries and tending to their needs. It's the willingness to lay down your life for them if they were in danger. Love is the willingness to go out of your way to clothe the person if they're naked, feed the person if they're hungry, and give water if they're thirsty (James 2:15-17).

I must say, I have quite the big heart for not only the marginalized, but for the people that seem to hide from the world out of fear. Those are the people I want to sit beside and simply say, "I'm here for you, if you need anything." How great is our God that He would send Jesus into the world to simply empathize with us? How great is our God that He wanted to say to us, "This is how much I love you. That I would stand up for you when you were attacked and I would save you." This is the God I want to continuously follow throughout my days because He cares for me and for those around me.

Until you experience this kind of love, this sort of sacrifice, and this humbleness, you may not know the truest feeling of what it means to follow Christ. Listen to the hearts around you, change your perspective on life, and let yourself sit down next to someone and say, "I'm here for you, if you need anything." Wait if they need a moment and get to know their struggles, their life and their hopes or dreams. Get to know their favorite hobby--give them HOPE that they're not alone. Support them when they feel no one else cares. BE the change in their life. BE the hope. BE the light. Care as much for their favorite food as you do for their biggest goal in life. If the small things matter as much as the big things, then you'll find yourself actually caring.

Becoming Beautiful.

Well, I'm feeling myself entering a new little season and mindset. Not necessarily where I want to be, but my internal thoughts are now processing slightly differently. I think it's the Hallmark movies I watched over Thanksgiving break. They have this sort of power to alter your thoughts and get you dreaming again. Not that the dreaming is a good thing, but it's definitely humanly possible. I started desiring to be a part of fancy Christmas parties, or land an office job and dress up each day for work in "fancy" outfits (that I would miraculously find for cheap). But then I get these thoughts of a stranger coming into my life and changing it. This stranger would then become a friend.

A best friend?

This particular thought, however, throws me right back to where I started. I begin to shake the thoughts away and accept that I must not dream up what isn't happening. My issue is that I don't live in the present with thanksgiving. I live here having the hardest time being thankful and thinking, "Thanks, God. I love my life and I'm so blessed." I can't seem to feel that way and yet I hope and pray for it. People make a vast difference, and I was slowly drifting from my surroundings, and from everything new. When this ends in tears, all I really can do is pray it out.

I'm "mad" now to the point of internally yelling at my emotions and my self. Whatever is trying its hardest to just bring me down can seriously stop torturing me. I'm "mad" because I want to be happy, I want to be my natural self. I want to be the hyper, cheery, weird self that I know I can be. I want to be a friend to my friends and I want to be enough. I want to be desired because of my personality becoming so addicting to people. (Okay, not everyone, just my friends and new potential friends). I want to become that sort of person that someone takes a picture with just to say, "I love this girl. She's amazing to me." And I mean that with any friend that I let be close to me. I don't mean I want someone to say those things--I simply mean I want to become that sort of person worthy enough to be that for someone.

Because I need that.

I have come to recognize how much we as humans utterly need friends. We need people to love us in order to really see and feel God. Without that, we begin to live and feel alone as those who literally do and do not know God. With God, being alone isn't so hard (luckily). But without people to hold close to our hearts, we forget what God's love really is like. And I believe this all starts with the desire to change our own hearts, and to strive for a happiness that other people would yearn for.

I have grown up losing best friends. I have never managed to hold onto someone close enough as to never lose them. And now, as an adult, I find myself letting them slip away and losing confidence in myself. I have a past that made this certain life so easy to live. This sort of lack of self-confidence and broken heart--my past made it too easy for me. But I have this past as my challenge to see if I can overcome these obstacles and show the world a different story. A story of a girl who didn't deserve anything but received everything--somehow, someway, by God.

So I'm letting go of my selfish behavior and I'm going to love as best as I can all the souls that come into my life. I'm going to befriend as best as I can and when I fail, I will still call upon God. I will still get back up and love again.

I guess you could say this is my way of becoming truly and utterly beautiful.

The Lack of Happiness.

Honestly, I just want to be happy. I want to experience and feel genuine joy. I can find that in my moments with God after enduring trials, but lately I desire to see it around me at the same time. I want to be able to see and feel a true happiness in my life. It feels like it's been too long since I've actually felt content, with peace and joy. I have faith that I can make it to this point, if only for a little while, but something has always been missing in my life. I've fought and fought for years, off and on I've battled. There have been tears, anxiety, painful experiences, and moments that I just wanted to hide from the world.

For years it has felt like I always had that same thing constantly tugging at my heart. I'd have painful feelings latch onto me and I'd reach out for a dream only to never actually reach it. It's like my arm was stretched out as far as it could, trying so hard to grab hold of that dream, but in pain I would retrieve my arm and accept the loss. I'd wonder and wonder why this part of me had to keep me reaching, keep me seeking, and let me feel partially empty.

But now I accept who I am, where I am, and what has happened in my life. I am here. There is no turning back, no changing my past, nor predicting my future. I am here, in the present, and I'm turning to God to simply ask for genuine happiness. To finally sit down, relax, and breathe and know I'm actually okay. All I can feel now is a hope for happiness, but when I look around me I know I can easily be brought down if I let myself lose focus on the light at the end of the tunnel or lighthouse on the shore.

Even if others find it so silly that I practically am begging for happiness, I don't want to lie and say I have it and yet hide that part of me that can't actually believe that. They will tell me to find the good around me, and I will hear this advice being repeated as if I'm doing the wrong thing by recognizing the truth within me. But I'm tired of pretending like I'm doing all things right. I am a human, and I will indeed feel these things. I want to let this out and let God truly come in and show His power. In order to see the difference He intends to make in my life, I know I must admit my faults, failures, desires, and emptiness. I admit it to Him because He is God and He already knows the truth. But I think He wants me to know it for myself.

My thoughts and dreams aren't silly and I know they aren't. God knows them to be real, to reflect a part of Him, and to show that I have a heart that isn't always strong. I want to find myself in a place where everything around me isn't so broken anymore. Where I can hold onto a true friend and feel content, or sit around family and feel welcomed. I want to walk the streets at night with someone that just knows me and I want to laugh it away and know I'm at a good place in life. I want to feel like I don't have to hide my feelings anymore. I want to release them. I want to feel right. I want to say that God has brought me out of the wilderness and into the Promised Land, metaphorically speaking. I want to know I made it there and I want to feel that joy.

I cannot express in enough words how utterly hard it is for me to feel so completely far from that happiness. I cannot express in enough detail how very desperate I am to actually feel that joy. A joy so intense that tears will fall down my face as I smile at something miraculous in my life. I want one of those moments where you know you suffered for seven years but it comes to its end and there is a reward for enduring. I want that beautiful moment of satisfaction to happen and to not dissipate so quickly.

Maybe what I'm saying is I want to hold onto something for once without losing it. I want to grasp something and hold it close without dropping it. I want to hold on because I want something to become familiar and last forever the way God has lasted in my life. I cannot achieve this on my own. I want to be real and I want something real. I want something genuine and true in my life. Something I can look at and believe that I've found what belongs to me. A reward all my own and customized to fit me perfectly.

Dear God...please bring me joy this Christmas because only You know what I truly need and what I truly long for. Only You know my heart.

When All Goes Wrong.

For the past few weeks, I have lacked a genuine and sincere feeling of joy. It has become incredibly hard to accept that each meaningful and important thing in my life has instead wilted or altered. One thing has remained positive though, in which I highly thank God for, and that is my relationships I hold dear with my mother and sister. But somewhere along the line of life, I have lost the proper image of what a genuine and sincere friend truly looks like. I only crave it because I want to know I can have it. I want to know that I can obtain it instead of destroy the possibilities. When the rocks are continuously falling from the mountain, I simply wonder what happened to the comfort in a true friend.

I crave a sense of freedom. In fact, I now too often beg God for this heavy and painful burden to be lifted. I've spent the past few weeks fighting it all off, fighting my way through, and now I wake up with that one sort of thought that says, "What happened?" Can anyone actually show me the real Jesus? Now, don't get me wrong. I still have friends. I value them all and try my best to remember them. But my confidence I've built up has been threatened and after getting kicked down so harshly I've learned that what I wanted and needed all along was just something true. Something sincere. Something lasting.

Metaphorically speaking, I want one of those warm hugs where you can literally feel cared for and protected. I want this feeling from my Creator and I want to see everything that has gone wrong turn around and change for the better. I want to be better. I want to be great. I want to get so caught up in my talents and passions that no person around me could bring me down. I don't want to be used for the things I'm good at or be treated less than who I believe I am.

When all goes wrong, could this mean that my desires do not line up with my actual life? Could this mean that God has so much more, but I'm just not seeing it? Could this mean that I am aware that I deserve so much more? Or could this mean that I've lost an ability to see? To hope? To believe? I've always been so dependent on God. Being close to God to me is spending time talking to him throughout the day, or praying just to feel better. Being close to God to me means choosing to believe in Him, even when everything looks awful around me. When all goes wrong, could this mean that I'm on the wrong path? Or the right one?

I guess I won't know these answers. I now spend most of my days to myself. I talk to God the most and my mom the second most. I walk alone. I learn alone. Sometimes I'd rather be alone because it's less disappointing or more comfortable. It's not common for me, but it's becoming common now. I've risked getting close to people and I've risked messing up friendships. I've risked these things because I was tired of hiding and I was tired of pretending. I've risked it all and now I sit alone as if there is a missing security in my friendships. And that's the part I'm willing to accept. That's where my prayer begins.

I want something true. Something real. A turnaround in this negative season I'm in. I want a miracle. I want to feel secure. I just want more of Jesus and I'm too tired to try.

Dear God, please help me.