Pouring it Out.

I began to question myself and question God which led to weeping. I wanted to just cry it out and hold nothing in. But I couldn't understand what I was even holding in. So perhaps if I let it out in tear drops, maybe I could see what was dwelling within. What I found was a mixture of things as the silent words left my mouth. I wept and wept as the water from my shower poured over me. I just sat there and let it out.

My questions went much like this: Why can't I concentrate? Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me? As these questions came out the answers began to form. Suddenly I feel the lamentation come out of me and my grieving begins again. I lost the man in my life who believed in my big dreams when no one else did. I lost the man who was overly proud of me. I lost the man who thought I was beautiful no matter what. And I took forever to realize he was that man all along. I learned how much he impacted me when it was too late.

I began to think of how happy he was at the thought of visiting me at my school. I cry because I wish I could see him come here, in awe of where God placed me. I do believe he's in a better place now, but my heart has this dire need to see him one more time. Yet I can't. And I know I can't. And here I am, missing that person who believed I could do anything. I won't dwell on what I lacked to do for him, but I surely wish I could have one more chance to show him how much I appreciated his faith in me.

Now I pray that God gives me hope nonetheless. I feel He has been guiding all the right people into my life by unfathomable happenstances. There have been people calling me an inspiration, friends claiming I'm a great person, and I'm finally starting to feel that way. Not in a prideful way, but in a very comforting way. I can also tell God is building my confidence. But I want to go back to being able to focus. I want to feel okay again. I want to keep believing these compliments. I want to build up these new friendships and spread my faith. I want someone to believe in me the way my dad did.