"Someday"

I had this sudden realization that I cannot actually picture myself with anyone. And by that I don't mean I think it'll never happen, but I just can't picture it. Sure, I can imagine myself standing next to a man, but it merely appears fake. It is fake, because such a picture doesn't exactly exist. This is probably the oddest realization I've ever admitted, but it's an interesting thought. Maybe it goes deeper. Maybe the truth is that I just cannot picture someone wanting to stand next to me. By that I mean I have never experienced someone wanting that.

And then I begin to only wish I could set my camera on a tripod and stand next to him. Whoever he would  be, I know he'd make the picture complete. He would smile and I would cherish the image. As much as I can't get myself to picture such a thing, I know that it will happen someday. And as sad as it is to repeat the word "someday" each time I dream this, I just don't want to be rid of my hope.

It's not that there is something wrong with me. I think I'm a very patient person, and I like to be happy, crazy, and make people laugh. My appearance must be okay that I can photograph myself and receive compliments (not that appearance determines much). I think I'm quite smart, but not in a prideful way. I don't actually think anything is wrong with me. I'm quite convinced that God just saved me all this time for someone I needed. I also think I'm capable of a relationship. I've observed many, and learned the concept of unconditional love. I know I'm able to love someone even if they don't love me back--that must say something!

I'm not sure how ready I really am, how would I know? But I can still picture myself getting married, taking care of a home, a husband, and eventually children. It's a dream, after all. I would want at least one son, and one daughter. I would raise them to know God and the importance of love. In fact, the idea of cooking dinner for a husband makes me feel happy inside. I often feel anxious for such a life. It has been my biggest dream, after all. I would love to decorate a home, organize it, and take care of it.

I guess I'm just waiting for the day that a man comes and desires to rescue me. I'm waiting for that day God guides him to my heart. My hope remains that God will grow me into the person he needs, desires, and longs for. I don't know when that day will be, but I can only dream that it is not too far. I'm still waiting in complete purity. He's that worth it.