This year has truly been one of the most life-changing years I've ever had. Perhaps if I wrote it all down, organized it, and saw the bigger picture, I could understand God's timing on the loss of my dad.
It all started with a trip I took on a bus down to Southern California. I had no idea what I wanted in life, where I wanted to be, but I thought living down there might be my calling. So I visited to get a feel for it. I wasn't sure what I wanted in life, or how to get to my destination, but I was determined to figure it out. Needless to say, I returned home from that trip with many tears and total confusion. My life was missing something grand, and I just couldn't feel it in my hometown.
That night as I searched online for options of what to do and how to move, I cried asking God, "What is it that you have for me? Where is it? Please point it out to me. Lead me to the answer." I was literally just crying whilst browsing Google search for anything that came to mind. But after that prayer, I had one thought. Azusa Pacific University. I only knew it as the school a new friend of mine attended. I only searched it because he spoke highly of it and how much his life changed. I thought maybe I'd at least see what they even offered.
To my surprised, I found what felt to be the most perfect major. Cinematic Arts Production. It mentioned storytelling and faith. I began to imagine what that would be like, to be a part of that. Not to mention it was located in Southern California, where I previously dreamed to move to. After two days of staring at it, I took the most unexpected leap of faith and applied. I felt set on doing it too. After the weeks went by, I started to question, "But is this what You really have for me, God? Is this not where I should go?" I questioned my real intentions for wanting to apply because I didn't exactly search any other school.
Meanwhile I decided that I would still try to go to England. I didn't give up on that dream after all, and I began to save up money. After a couple weeks beyond purchasing my ticket, I then found out I was accepted into the University. I was surprised and yet not surprised. I thought God, You must be doing this for me! I didn't worry about finances at this point. I had something to say for myself. I had a reason to move on. I was doing something with my life and my parents were proud of me.
All at the same time, I had overcome a broken heart. I didn't know it was broken until God let it break completely. But He gave me a great gift because of that. He restored my heart, healed it, and made it new. He showed me I didn't need to have fears and He could satisfy me. I started to feel ultimately loved by Jesus and that I was special. I became content in my singleness and learned that God wanted me to stop putting my life on hold and go live it. My dream of marriage would be fulfilled someday, but He wanted to show me that I could be happy in the waiting.
Eventually I was on a plane to England, with a grand smile on my face and full excitement. I arrived safely to five smiling faces and welcome signs. I spent one month and a half there, exploring and feeling so content. After weeks, God broke me down again when I was reminded of past fears. But He healed me yet again, and He used me to speak light to my friends. I grew even closer to God and when it was all complete, I was back on a plane home. I cried so very much, missing England and all my friends there. I knew I had a new life to come home to, but it was so hard to part.
Upon coming home, I felt so different. I spent that next week praying, sleeping, packing, and preparing. Soon enough, I made it to Azusa with my mom, sister, and aunt. I sadly did not have my dad with me, but I knew he was proud. I knew he saw the pictures we posted and told everyone about it. I began school, made new friends, gained three sisters in my apartment, and started my new life. I was finally getting the hang of it, despite getting overwhelmed by the amount of work and tasks that built up.
And then it happened. A sudden sadness fell upon me. I didn't know why. I went to three classes before having a break. Once that break came, I checked my messages. My sister was asking me to pray for my dad who went missing. Then her next message I checked said he was in the hospital. I called immediately and when we connected she cried out my name. Her words were unreal. I could hardly speak.
"Stephanie...Dad passed away.." Her voice was broken, weak, and shaking. Inside I felt confused, lost, unsure of how to feel. I walked home alone that day, holding my phone after she hung up, containing the tears to soon let them flow once I was away from public. I finally made it to the apartment and my roommate comforted me as I tried to process it all. Telling people now feels fake, feels wrong. That's not what I'm supposed to say about my dad...
I received prayer from all the people that knew. I had two visitors that were leaders to me and they prayed with me. I was surrounded by such loving people that I knew God made sure I wasn't alone. He equipped me for something I would have never guessed would happen. He strengthened me, brought me to my dream life, and let my dad know I made it. As much as I wish he could have stayed to watch me grow, I know that I have no choice but to let go. It is the most awful thought I've ever had to deal with and I wonder how long it'll take before it completely processes. Before I feel like it's "normal."
Yesterday I sat with a friend who reminded me that I had a lot to hold onto. He gave me words of comfort and I remember feeling completely peaceful and calm around him. His prayer went deep into my heart and I had a genuine piece of hope placed inside of me and I felt protected. I could breathe, I could relax, and most importantly...I could laugh. In that moment I knew that God planned out everything for me. He wouldn't leave me alone during this time. He had a new plan now that my dad's role in my life has come to an end. I'm still a princess with a Father.
I know the moments will come when I break down and cry. I'll miss my dad until I see him again in Heaven. But I know he would want me to keep going, to keep making music, to keep writing, to keep taking photographs. He would want me to succeed in my new life here. I made him proud. I made him happy. I made him complete. I know he'll be by my side, someway, somehow.
Life could change in the blink of an eye. You just never know what could happen. The unexpected, the best, the worst, and the possibility of miracles. Hold on to those great memories. Don't run from them. Don't forget them. Find a reason to be happy, to have peace, and to continue on. God has a plan. And I'm ready for that next part of my life. The one that will help me during this time of loss, and the one that'll change me forevermore.
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