The Necessity of Men.

My mind has decided to turn the guy from my past into a monster. He wasn't a monster, but the subtle effects from him are suddenly becoming the opposite today. Fear hit me like a train and it definitely didn't feel too well. But I'm making my way to recovery once again. To help me out, God has given me a friend. He's a weird one, but he's nice to me. I pick on him, tease him, and ask him millions of questions. I didn't have a brother to learn from after all. Interacting with the male species isn't exactly my forte. But yet it's the least stressful thing in my life. I can sit, talk about nothing, and laugh the day away.

Well, I suppose interacting is fine. When I was younger, my mom said I always got along better with boys. It's funny that years later, as an adult, I have the worst history with them. By "them" I really mean one guy. At twenty-three, I'm finally able to discover different men. It boggles my mind that I spent five years of my life befriending one particular guy, never knowing another type. I got so used to him and yet the effects it left me with have scarred me. If I ever get attached to any guy, the immediate fear hits me as if I'm not allowed to get attached. It makes me feel like I am in the wrong, that they will reject me, and that I will become hurt. It is the one thing that my heart fails to handle. I receive urges to run away because I am so frightened from my past.

How could that have happened to me? I guess it just gives me a story to tell. This story is still clearly being written, but I can testify that real men are one huge necessity in a young woman's life. I say that because I lacked them. I somehow grew a close friendship with someone who didn't embrace his role as a man. I was afraid to displease him, because in my mind it meant he would not desire me at all. I knew he didn't desire a relationship, but I was not about to displease him to not even desire a friendship. I shouldn't have let him have that control, but I couldn't help it. I was the submissive and loyal type. I was faithful. I wanted to be captivating and I didn't even realize I was in dire need of it.

So here I am today, searching for who I am, learning that all men are different. They inspire me now. They are the missing piece to my life. They are the ones who will grow me and teach me how to treat my husband someday. And even though I have every intention to love my husband with my entire heart, and to please him as best as I can, I still want to learn how not to fear him.

Maybe I am scared of him. Maybe the idea of someone getting that close to me frightens me. Not in a bad way, but in an unknown, uncomfortable, alien sort of way. It's foreign to me. It's not a part of my present life. It's desired, it is. I long for it somehow. But it's scary. I'm quite nervous at the thought of it. To realize this is crazy! One would think it would be exciting, but I'm honestly not sure how I'll handle it! I'm going to hope and pray that the one God sends to me will know how to ease his way into my personal life. He will calm me. He will rescue me from this current life I live! And if I do try running, I hope and pray I will run right into him.

♥