A New Heart.

God has done a new thing inside of my frail heart. He has been healing it from past wounds, and opening my eyes to see what I've been needing to see. It's as if He set this whole thing up for a great purpose, and I'm finally capable of recognizing that purpose. Just a few weeks ago the pieces were thrown all over the place. But just recently the frame was put together and the middle pieces are being placed together perfectly by my very loving Father.

I was wounded and filled with fears and an aching heart. All I wanted was hope and a totally different life. But there was a better solution than what seemed easy. Because even if God Himself put my "dream guy" right in front of me, He knew I'd still wonder, still fear, and still want something more. It wouldn't be enough to just know that special person. I was failing at the only relationship I needed. I was hoping for something I wasn't even ready for. Humans will fail us, but God won't. When I received the words "Keep looking for that special someone" from a friend recently, it didn't even occur to me that those were the very words of God until tonight. When this reality hit me, I was smiling like Jesus just hugged me.

"Keep looking." Two simple words that I truly believe God was whispering to me over and over. He knew I'd find Him! He knew what I really needed, so He let me look, He let me search, until I was on the floor left with no strength. And the last thing He says to me is "Keep looking for that special someone." My search was not complete.

No man could ever fulfill that emptiness inside of me. Knowing this fact already was not enough for me. I had to feel it. I had to be chased to God by being rejected by men. God was saving me. He was searching for me so He could save me and remind me how lovely I am to Him. How wonderful is that!? From the moment I went down south to meet a guy, God had a plan. Through this young man He chased me right into His loving arms. Is that why I felt so determined to know him? Maybe. Maybe in a way it's like I knew he was the key to unlock this fragile part of me that needed Jesus.

This man, because of God, did me a favor. I could not find my satisfaction in him, nor could I find the hope I needed. My true search was to find my loving Savior all over again. He needed to heal my heart that became bruised and beaten over the years. He needed to make me feel captivating. I was hurting, I was afraid and paranoid and God wanted to save me. He wanted to take all those fears away within a relationship between He and I and no other human being. My search for a companion was really just a search to mend the  broken relationship I somehow had with the Lord.

And although I feel I learned my true lesson, I know that all I want right now are friendships. If a guy cannot handle a friendship with me, he can never handle more. But anything beyond friendship is in God's hands. For now, I want to deepen my relationship with God and trust Him with my future. I have no reason to search beyond Jesus Christ. He is all I need. When God finds me ready, I'm sure He will have the perfect husband for me. But until that day comes, I will be fully content with God alone. I will keep learning how to love, how to help, how to speak, and how to act. I will go where He sends me, and I will be still when He is silent.

I feel like God has given me a new heart. It makes me want to start all over again with every relationship I have. This new heart of mine feels stronger already. As I continuously grow, giving God my fears and hardships, I know He will strengthen this heart daily. It's on its way to recovery now and may take some time before it's ready to be handled by anyone else. Therefore I know God will be taking great care of it so that it's perfectly ready for whatever is there for me in the near future. I imagine this new heart of mine as a very worthy piece of me. A piece that God was so determined to fix and led me exactly to where I am today just so I'd hand it over fully. With this new heart is a key that I leave in His hands. Only He knows how to properly protect my heart.

It's not that I abused my heart in the past, but that in order to learn a great lesson, God was aware my heart would someday become weak. Because He knew this, He had the answer and the solution. And here I am, in the midst of it all, learning and growing. To see all that God intended to do for my life just to save me and make me strong. I do not have to live in fear or search for hope. He is my safety and hope.

I guess you could say...I got to learn this all because I took that first step. I just had no idea where God was really leading me. ;)