Undesired Feelings.

Today I watched an online sermon and it got the tears going. God knew exactly what I needed to hear and He gave it to me. Just last night I was crying out in mere agony, confessing that a certain particular thing has been hurting me every day. And each day I fight it off, try to learn from it, but daily it attacks me. No matter what I do, no matter what others tell me, no matter how often I pray about it--it still stabs my heart. I cannot seem to understand this nor overcome it, and I know that God is the only answer and I will continuously seek Him until this finds its end.

Hiding from it will not solve it. I think it's time I allow myself to admit it, to put it out there, and let God do the rest. Although I know I can get through this, it feels like I can't. I practically begged God to not let this be so because I don't want it hurting me every day anymore. I cannot seem to shake this off. I remind myself so many times of God's promises, of His love, of His timing, and yet I still cry in the waiting, never knowing what to do. I have reached the end of my rope and now I need God more than ever.

But in today's sermon I was reminded that God keeps His promises, even if we fail, even if we doubt. That He suffered for us and He is so determined to keep His promise. He has blessings for us who follow Him, even when we seem undeserving. He goes through the "pieces" for us. He takes the hit. He can and will bless us.

I needed to hear that. I feel like God has made promises with me, and while they seem to be unfulfilled, I have the hardest time enduring. It gets harder  by the day, but God is faithful. I know that even if I fail today in trusting, and I cannot seem to understand, He will keep His promise still. Knowing that can lift my spirits now, to help me through, even if it still hurts. There are many things I wait on, many things I do not understand. But I can trust that God's promises will be fulfilled. He has plans for my life, to give a hope and a future, to prosper. There is nothing I can or can't do that will change that of Him.

You see, what has been tearing me down is my desires for a companion in life. But not just because I long to love someone, but because I long to have it returned. To feel desired. It is absolutely the most complicated battle of all. It has attacked me for years, the thoughts have haunted me. I begin to feel afraid to even develop feelings for another human being because in my mind, they do not want that. They'll go silent. They'll not want me. And then I will suffer--again. It's ridiculous how strong those thoughts attack me, and I'm aware they are not of God. I want them to completely vanish so that I can develop normal friendships. So that I do not feel paranoid or afraid. So that I can take silence and lack of communication lightly.

Why must this always happen to me? I am losing patience and it is tearing me down. I've tried incredibly hard to fight this off, and the moment I think it goes away, all seems so well. Suddenly I have hope. Suddenly it feels like the war has ended and I can be free. But then signs from the past, familiar behaviours, and a sudden change in scenery changes it all and I become afraid that I set myself up for heartbreak. Unintentionally, unknowingly, and unfortunately. This is not the life I want to live. This is not the feelings I want to suffer--every single day. 

Please, God. I trust Your promises. Why must I be made in such a way that I desire to be desired? Help me make it through this waiting time so that I do not bring anyone down along the way. And so that I do not attach myself to anyone but You. No human can make me happy the way You do. So why do I desire one?