I'm going to dive in deep and share my thoughts on desires that I have and what God has been doing that affect them. A lot has changed, and interestingly enough, it has affected my desires. Perhaps this will help open anyone's eyes who happens to come across this blog, and give hope. Somehow I believe it just might be of help to someone because I'm still amazed.
About a week ago, I was quite different. I was completely broken at that point, and God was planning the very moment that I would be healed. My desires beforehand were hurting me, breaking me, and scaring me. I grew fears over them and tried running from them. Not because they were bad, but because I had no control over them. I needed healing and guidance out, and that's just what God did. I was desiring a closeness, a bond, and a relationship. Something I've never actually had before. It was beginning to really mess with my mind. My last cry out to God before it all changed went much like this, "God, please take these thoughts away, and please help me overcome this so I do not have to suffer every day."
He answered quick! Through a newly produced friendship, I was on my way to recovery with a wounded heart, and a repeated fear. God set it all up to bring out that fear inside of me, address the issue, and fix it. How clever of Him! My desire for more someday was affecting me now. That would only ruin the friendships I longed to create first. There was a problem here! Not only that, but I was extremely afraid. I found myself caught off guard, in shock, totally confused, thinking, "How is this happening again!?" Suddenly I felt rejected for the third time in a row, and this time I hardly even had time to know that person!
But that wasn't the case. I wasn't being rejected. I was being redirected. It wasn't a case of "Oh, he's not the one. Keep looking." It was a case of rather, "Your heart is too wounded that you need healing and Jesus is looking for you so He can fulfill you. Keep looking around, you'll see Him and He'll heal you." I suppose that is the best way I can explain it. I found what I like to now call my "godsend." Someone sent by God to play a part in the changing of my life! With all fingers now pointing to God, I was bound to be saved.
And I listened. I heard God calling me to Him and as I stood praying to Him, I knew that He was working a miracle. He changed me within one night. Now my desires lean toward serving Him. I don't become afraid at certain thoughts anymore, and I believe that God has a beautiful plan, waiting to unfold. He's already done so much for me. I can handle the wait for marriage, because now my desires are being controlled more and more each day. He even gave me a patience on that! Previously I was asking God, "Can I just KNOW him?" In fact, it was my only Christmas wish. It's literally all I wanted. But now I'm learning how to let go and trust God.
I believe that God puts the desires in our hearts. When we draw close to Him and follow Him, He directs our paths. You may recognize that as Scripture. Psalm 37:4 is the Scripture written on my Bible cover and it now runs so much deeper with me. Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart! So what is it like to delight yourself in the LORD? I think it's much like what I'm learning now. I am finding delight in God alone. How He loves me unconditionally, how He takes care of me, and how powerful He is. How He heals my heart and gives me hope. That is indeed delightful!
My desires have been changing the closer I get to God. Not that they're different, but that the priorities have changed. I'm more concerned over my relationship with Jesus, who loves me a lot, than I am over desiring marriage someday. It has helped me put so much trust in God, that I do not worry about those things. Yes, I still find myself dreaming of something unknown to me. But it is in God's hands. And right now I know that my heart needs to heal. But I know one thing is for certain. I've always desired to grow a friendship with any guy that comes my way, and I should have never compromised that. Now that I remember, I will apply it and pray often for the people God places in my life.
So although I desired so much more, God is helping me see that if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. And those desires will be good.
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