Prioritize.

While reading Captivating, a book written by John and Stasi Eldredge, I have been really getting to know my heart. It's helping me understand all my desires, but also all of my wounds. I am halfway through this book, but I already feel like God has changed so much for me. What interests me is that just two months ago, I felt like I was searching for something (or someone?). Taking action led me to so many new things, different things, and now to the very healing of my heart. Whatever was to happen for me to reach this point, God saw to it that it'd be done. That my search would be complete.

In my last blog entry, I discussed how God is mending my heart into a newer and stronger one. Today I was starting to learn how Jesus intends to heal it if I welcome Him in. Which I most definitely do. Daily I have been able to give Him my burdens, my concerns, my fears, and my sadness. Without hesitation, I have invited Him into the deepest part of my heart to be the One I call upon, day and night. He has really healed me. I have been able to see the recent happenings in my life in a new light. What seemed to be a repeated cycle has turned into a new path. You have no idea how warming that has become to this now-healing-heart of mine.

If I allow myself to really think about it, I have no idea who I would be if one simple thing were changed this year. If I didn't take certain first steps. If I didn't travel down south. If I didn't have motivation to buy that book. If I didn't fear rejection. If I didn't feel paranoid. If I wasn't trying to figure things out. And most importantly, if I wasn't searching for an answer. All of those tiny acts played together have brought me to exactly where I am at today, which feels like a blessing, a healing, a miracle! The cycle I was unfortunately living in suddenly would be repeating and repeating until I was destroyed and wounded to mental death.

No man could have come along, singing sweet words to serenade me to "happiness" and fix this heart. God could have placed my future husband in front of my face, and I would somehow fear him, in the back of my mind. Someday, if not right away. I would fear him and the only thing I would deserve at that point would be to lose him. Because he couldn't fulfill that empty spot in my heart, nor take away the pain that built up over the years. With that now being acknowledged in my mind and heart, I have been able to properly become healed, expecting no man to become closer than a friend. Losing that unintended expectation has eased a lot of fear and pain. Because what I need is one prayer away, and that is the love and healing from Jesus Christ, my only Savior.

I have fully forgiven anyone who has played a part in these fears in my past. They are all each loved by God so much so, and probably go through their own trials and problems. I forgive them with my whole heart, because now I am recovering. I am safe. I have been rescued by my very protective Father. But yes, I do still ask God to take away any new fears that try to attack me. I notice them coming during my work hours. But it feels as though there is a shield being built around me that manages to block these attacks from fully coming at me. Is that God? I believe so. He's really helping me through this.

I'm going to prioritize my life through this healing. I am going to bring what is internal out into what is external. Including my room, my schedule, my jobs, and my relationships. I still want to be a light in this world. It's so good to know there was an answer to this very extended cry of mine. I battled something for years, and I finally found the solution, right on time. All the steps I took to get here amaze me. From curiosity, to pressure, to ChristianMingle (the giving in to the pressure step), to attraction to someone new, to meeting them, to being recommended Captivating, to buying it, to reading it, to fear again over him, to meeting that fear face to face, to recognizing what was needed, to realizing I wasn't searching for a human companion, to finding the real answer (Jesus!), to beginning a healing process, and now...to making a difference and putting a complete end to the past cycle of fear.

May my new friendships be pure, holy, and acceptable to God. May I not wonder, fear, be paranoid, expect, or ask. May I be a light to all and encouragement as well. May I learn to live the dream, instead of dreaming the dream. May this year continue to be a GREAT ADVENTURE. ♥