Marriage.

Somehow I ended up in the living room watching a movie about marriage. It reminded me of the many things I've learned in the past. I've always had a beautiful image of marriage in my head (and I still do). I felt like over the years its beauty was torn away and destructed and too often people missed it. They begin to see it as a set of rules to be followed instead of a set or roles. Then it becomes twisted and lacks value.

As a child I believed my parents would be together forever. At eleven I experienced their divorce. It was more of a shock, thinking, "Is this really happening?" I was still a bit too young to fully understand, but I remember it quite well. I sat in the darkness with my door cracked open, peeking out to hear my father on the phone downstairs. He said hurtful words about my mother's actions, as I sat their crying. Soon I made my way over to my sister's room to find her sad as well. I also remember the night my mother stayed with me instead at night, sharing my twin-sized bed.

Soon my life had two houses. My sister and I had to choose which parent to spend certain holidays with and try not to disappoint the other. Each parent ended up moving houses and I'd switch rooms, clinging to my mom's, then my dad's, and so forth. I grew into a teenager eventually and was much too shy to do really anything beyond living. I lost many friends to distance and moving away and had the most difficult time fitting in at school. At fourteen, my life had a turn-around.

I lacked to communicate with the male species. They annoyed me and I dreamed of something more than the ones I'd see. I started getting quite drawn to the idea of marriage, and it became beautiful to me. But I was too shy to ever say anything, and gained a habit of rude humor. A boy in my science class Sophomore year would always come up to me, trying to strike a conversation, and I could not understand why. It annoyed me so much that I began to appear rude to him, in a silent way. He called me "evil" and never let me forget it. It hurt me so incredibly much that I turned to God and asked Him to change me.

I did not want to be rude. I did not want to hurt people. I did not want to be selfish. I wanted to be happy, giving, and desirable to be around. I wanted God to change me completely! Thanks to my youth Pastor at the time, I was encouraged to do just that. I wrote scriptures on my hand as a reminder and began to grow closer to God. I attended youth quite often for the sake of hearing another sermon that would uplift me. And that's when the best one of all came and changed my life and view of dating forever.

Pastor Brian called his sermon "The Dangers of Dating." He spoke to us to say that too often when people date, they make that person their world and sometimes leave out the family. It takes your focus away from God and your walk with him, and could even affect other relationships. He encouraged us that God would bring our spouse. We did not need to worry about it and we needed to keep our focus on Him. Pastor Brian reminded us how important it is to include God in a relationship, include family, include friends, and most of all, pray about it.

But the part that really stuck out to me and spoke to my heart deeply was when these particular words left his mouth: "You can commit to your future husband or wife today, right now, and love them even before you meet." To me that meant staying absolutely pure, truly seeking God, getting to know someone through friendships, and waiting until God found you ready. That night I immediately wanted to commit myself to my future husband--and I did. February 8, 2006, I wrote a letter to claim that I have committed myself to him and I would wait for him.

Over a month later I learned about purity rings, and March 29, 2006, my mother took me to buy one. I've been wearing it since, to this day, as a reminder that I would wait. Not only for the intimacy part, but for them in general. I wanted my first to be my only, and I was so determined to pray my way to have that. I prayed for him religiously, day and night, writing letters to him, and praying God would  protect him and let him wait for me. Yes, I began to have some high hopes that seem almost impossible nowadays, but I imagined God would set aside someone just for me and one day I would find him.

That's when the daydreamed image of him came to be. I tried to picture who I imagined him to be. Brown hair,  blue eyes, six feet, lean, and the most beautiful smile. He would sing and play piano or guitar. He would love God with all of his heart. I was a dreamer. Over time I started to twist the image a bit according to anyone new in my life that I fancied. But yet I never could quite get that image out of my head. It's like I allowed myself to really believe he would be a certain way. I had him down to a tee. I would be his first and he would have waited for me. Yep, that's right. I longed for a man who would never have had a girlfriend. I practically begged God every night in prayer to keep him away from girls. That he would wait for me as I wait for him. I couldn't get myself to let this idea go.

To add to it all, I wrote a story on how I imagined my future of meeting him. I named him Matthew and gave him a birthday. In the story we lived approximately 250  miles apart and became friends during one of his visits in Santa Barbara. My character in the story quickly grew in love with him and feared he didn't feel the same. But he dealt with fears himself and doubt, that he didn't deserve anyone like her. After all, he had been single for twenty-two years and they were miles apart. He couldn't provide for her or make her happy. But right at last minute, before she moved back home, he confessed that he did not want her with anyone else because he wanted to be with her. Soon after they take a walk at sunset on the beach and he proposes and I discontinued writing.

What have I done? I have embedded into my mind of what I was waiting for and for six years after that, I received the oddest situations. But never has my idea of a lasting marriage to come left my mind. I have full faith that God could give that to me and I do not fear divorce. I'm quite against divorce. It saddens me, as if so many of us have lost the ability to love. But love is sacrifice. And although I've never been in a relationship, I am building up my appreciation for it when that day does come. To me it'll be a great reward, not a step in life. I intend to take it seriously.

Marriage is a bond between two people, coming together as one flesh. It is the image of Jesus waiting on His bride (the church) to become one. Marriage must be a huge thing if that is what God uses for when Jesus returns! I like to look back on the beginning of the Bible. When man was created. You see, the reason woman was created as well was because God said "it is not good for man to be alone. I will create a helper." A helper. Ever since I memorized the beginning, when creation happened, I grew in love with the idea of being a "helper." How beautiful is that?!

The earth was not complete until God made the woman for the man. And to top things off, he use Adam's rib to create her, a bone quite close to his heart. She is a part of him. It's God, then man, then woman. All for a purpose. That is what gave me so much hope, why I see marriage as a beautiful thing. I was created to be a helper, a companion. That's exactly why I have these desires that I was fighting off for years because I couldn't fulfill them. But God can. And I shouldn't be ashamed of desiring these things. I shouldn't try to hide my want to be that helper.

Today I shall still remind myself that God made me this way for a beautiful purpose.