Change Ahead.

I quite often ponder the reality of my loss of friendships. Maybe everyone is taking their own paths so much so that I am forced to realize my own path. I've lost a few friends over the past few years. Some openly, but most silently. I spend most of my days planning out my dreams to make them real. The closest friends I have are the friends that happen to be miles and miles away. Yet those dear friends in this same town remain in my heart. The ones I do happen to see every now and then are becoming more and more busy each day, allowing me to slowly let go.

Perhaps the meaning behind this lies within the plan that God is now unfolding. Maybe my relocation is a fact. I do indeed see myself leaving this small little town. At last minute I have allowed myself to appreciate it to its fullness. I don't think I'd ever be able to fully do so if I never decided to leave it. As I spend my last few months here, I will learn to be thankful for what it has brought me. I will detach myself slowly from the things I held on to, and open my eyes to new opportunities.

There has always been somewhere else I longed to be. But when I really thought about it, I never have been able to escape. And I guess it's time I finally do so. To find my place in this world and become what God wants me to be. It may not be easy at first. It may require a lot of energy and change. But you must start somewhere otherwise you'll get nowhere.

So here I am, chasing my dreams, and gaining new ones along the way. I may not know what exactly lies ahead for me, but I trust that God will lead me. This is going to be a huge step for me. I am excited and more ready for it each new day. There is going to be a massive change in my life this year. But the crazy part about it all...is that I feel more than ready for it.

Loosening Chains.

Although I have every intent to take the first step, figuring out what step that is becomes a struggle. I've never really been sure of which route to take in life, especially concerning career. But I've noticed that the deeper I dive into a relationship with my Savior, the more detailed my desires get. I begin to have need to do things I didn't previously think of. And even though it's still a bit unclear for me now, I imagine that this year will unfold many new mysteries to my destiny.

Sometimes I wonder what my heart is attempting to tell me as I ponder through videos, stories, and other people's lives. I learn through them what it is I dream to do. Not that I want someone else's life, but that I wonder what part of their life is appealing to me. What accomplishments have they possessed that I've lacked? I often feel trapped inside my mind, surrounded by dreams, wonders, and hopes. But from the very inside of this very active mind of mine, I am begging to come out.

Along the path of trying to find some sort of escape, I have wounded myself. I've become comfortable, meanwhile failing to learn how to relocate. I hold on to my hopes, yet never realizing that I've made no progress. From the departure of high school to the first semester of community college, I had no goal set. After never returning to college, I became self-employed as a photographer running a business that made me miserable. I didn't want to control a business! It just wasn't who I was made to be. But I never knew that.

So what do I see from others that gets me teary eyed, once again shaking the jail bars of my mind? I see people traveling the world and sharing happiness with others. I see successful videos, creative minds, and goals being accomplished. But most of all, I see intensive growth. Compared to my history, their progress is massive. I've not led any sort of group to success, or witnessed a miracle in someone's life. I've not won a contest or performed in a concert [these are mere examples of life-changing moments].

I've not the intention to think negative. I am simply coming to reality to help me change my life today. For five years and counting I have been living at home in a town that I now believe holds nothing for me. There is nothing here that I hold on to aside from my family. My dream career is not here, my ideal location isn't here, and I've always felt like one day I would move on.

It feels like I'm reaching toward dreams like visiting another country, being a part of a group that I fit into, or being in a team to produce videos. But while reaching, I am stretching as far as I can and it feels completely impossible to reach. As if this massive chain is pulling me down as I pull and pull, only to wound myself in the end. I now see that God has been trying to show me that He is capable of breaking that chain, but first I must  come to realize that all the bad could be used for something great. I must become content with where I am today, and with who I am today. I must remember that God loves me and that His love is what is most important above all, no matter where I am.

If I return to where the chain is attached to, it'll become loose, allowing easier access to becoming freed of it. Well, that is where I stand today. I'm learning how to break ties and find sincere contentment. As God takes these chains off of me, I know that He will help me reach my dreams, the ones that I never once had. Every day is a possibility to dream big. If you desire to do something for God, it's selfless and proper. But if it's for yourself, benefiting no one else, think long and hard and ask God for guidance.

I'm not sure where He's taking me, but I'll find out one step at a time. :)