This year has been the most surprising year of my life. Today I sit here in my old room and I can tell that nothing is the same at all as it was a year ago. I've gained and lost a few things over the months, but I hardly expected any of it. On January 1st I was someone entirely different. I had no intentions to go to a University, and yet I applied one week later as if God changed my mind. On January 1st, I had a broken and wounded heart. One month later, it's healed and I'm on my way to making my dreams come true.
I started making things happen for myself by allowing God to take over completely. I started making first steps and leaps of faith. I don't regret it at all. I watched myself grow along the way in daily videos and I'm still growing. I felt my best, fully content, and stronger than ever. I made new friends and began forming new bonds with a new life in Azusa.
And then my life was put on hold as I grieved the passing of my father. Many moments as I realize once again I won't be able to see him or hear him anymore, I will cry it out. This was the most unexpected thing to happen out of all. But it seems God timed it just that way so that my dad could stay around long enough to see my finally succeed and move on. I had his moral support, his faith, his love, and his belief in me as I reached my goals. I now merely pray that I will still have that in another one, somehow, now that my dad is gone.
If the unexpected can happen at any moment, maybe we should always be ready to endure. Maybe we should always be at a point in our lives that we are succeeding. Maybe we should always follow our dreams instead of waiting for convenience. Maybe we should always make someone proud of us. Maybe we should always fight for what's right. Maybe we should always make time for people. I got to make my dad prouder than he has ever been by the choices I made this year. I wish I could have kept him longer, but I guess he did his job and needed to go Home. Either way, I made him happy and proud. I made the right choices this year and I pray I can continue to do so. ♥
Monday, September 30, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Hope Remains.
No one hopes for what they have or what they see. Hope is having faith in what you cannot see. Because I cannot see what is ahead, I can only hope for the best. God has allowed me to feel a hope for something beautiful to come. That even when I'm crying missing my dad, there is hope. Not only do I still have many people around me, but God is taking everything I ever learned from my earthly father and He is teaching me who I am meant to be. My dad did his job by making me feel special, loved, and worth it. I did my part by making him proud, following my dreams, and never giving up.
I know my dad won't be here to give my future husband his approval, nor will he be able to walk me down the aisle, but he definitely taught me what to look for. My dad knew that I would someday make the right choice in a husband, and he didn't fail to already make me feel special while I waited. I may not have had the closest relationship with my father, but he had the most faith in me. Losing my dad has brought up these thoughts more than ever. I was that one girl dreaming up marriage, writing out stories, and daydreaming it all. To lose my dad before I could even reach that dream has stabbed a rather sensitive part in my heart. But yet God has given me hope nonetheless. I still have my Father in Heaven and I still belong to Him and Him alone.
I can't say I know when I'll reach that dream. To be honest, I've given it up for the most part. But I still feel hopeful. That a man will someday have my heart and it'll be the one I know would have made my dad proud. I may not be able to hear him tell me what he thinks about them, but I will let God be the one who chooses. My hope is that I'll find someone who can love me as much as my dad loved me. Someone who can make me feel special, loved, worth it. Someone who has faith in me. Someone who dreams big. Someone who never gives up. Someone who is strong-willed. That's who my dad was.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Life-Changing Year.
This year has truly been one of the most life-changing years I've ever had. Perhaps if I wrote it all down, organized it, and saw the bigger picture, I could understand God's timing on the loss of my dad.
It all started with a trip I took on a bus down to Southern California. I had no idea what I wanted in life, where I wanted to be, but I thought living down there might be my calling. So I visited to get a feel for it. I wasn't sure what I wanted in life, or how to get to my destination, but I was determined to figure it out. Needless to say, I returned home from that trip with many tears and total confusion. My life was missing something grand, and I just couldn't feel it in my hometown.
That night as I searched online for options of what to do and how to move, I cried asking God, "What is it that you have for me? Where is it? Please point it out to me. Lead me to the answer." I was literally just crying whilst browsing Google search for anything that came to mind. But after that prayer, I had one thought. Azusa Pacific University. I only knew it as the school a new friend of mine attended. I only searched it because he spoke highly of it and how much his life changed. I thought maybe I'd at least see what they even offered.
To my surprised, I found what felt to be the most perfect major. Cinematic Arts Production. It mentioned storytelling and faith. I began to imagine what that would be like, to be a part of that. Not to mention it was located in Southern California, where I previously dreamed to move to. After two days of staring at it, I took the most unexpected leap of faith and applied. I felt set on doing it too. After the weeks went by, I started to question, "But is this what You really have for me, God? Is this not where I should go?" I questioned my real intentions for wanting to apply because I didn't exactly search any other school.
Meanwhile I decided that I would still try to go to England. I didn't give up on that dream after all, and I began to save up money. After a couple weeks beyond purchasing my ticket, I then found out I was accepted into the University. I was surprised and yet not surprised. I thought God, You must be doing this for me! I didn't worry about finances at this point. I had something to say for myself. I had a reason to move on. I was doing something with my life and my parents were proud of me.
All at the same time, I had overcome a broken heart. I didn't know it was broken until God let it break completely. But He gave me a great gift because of that. He restored my heart, healed it, and made it new. He showed me I didn't need to have fears and He could satisfy me. I started to feel ultimately loved by Jesus and that I was special. I became content in my singleness and learned that God wanted me to stop putting my life on hold and go live it. My dream of marriage would be fulfilled someday, but He wanted to show me that I could be happy in the waiting.
Eventually I was on a plane to England, with a grand smile on my face and full excitement. I arrived safely to five smiling faces and welcome signs. I spent one month and a half there, exploring and feeling so content. After weeks, God broke me down again when I was reminded of past fears. But He healed me yet again, and He used me to speak light to my friends. I grew even closer to God and when it was all complete, I was back on a plane home. I cried so very much, missing England and all my friends there. I knew I had a new life to come home to, but it was so hard to part.
Upon coming home, I felt so different. I spent that next week praying, sleeping, packing, and preparing. Soon enough, I made it to Azusa with my mom, sister, and aunt. I sadly did not have my dad with me, but I knew he was proud. I knew he saw the pictures we posted and told everyone about it. I began school, made new friends, gained three sisters in my apartment, and started my new life. I was finally getting the hang of it, despite getting overwhelmed by the amount of work and tasks that built up.
And then it happened. A sudden sadness fell upon me. I didn't know why. I went to three classes before having a break. Once that break came, I checked my messages. My sister was asking me to pray for my dad who went missing. Then her next message I checked said he was in the hospital. I called immediately and when we connected she cried out my name. Her words were unreal. I could hardly speak.
"Stephanie...Dad passed away.." Her voice was broken, weak, and shaking. Inside I felt confused, lost, unsure of how to feel. I walked home alone that day, holding my phone after she hung up, containing the tears to soon let them flow once I was away from public. I finally made it to the apartment and my roommate comforted me as I tried to process it all. Telling people now feels fake, feels wrong. That's not what I'm supposed to say about my dad...
I received prayer from all the people that knew. I had two visitors that were leaders to me and they prayed with me. I was surrounded by such loving people that I knew God made sure I wasn't alone. He equipped me for something I would have never guessed would happen. He strengthened me, brought me to my dream life, and let my dad know I made it. As much as I wish he could have stayed to watch me grow, I know that I have no choice but to let go. It is the most awful thought I've ever had to deal with and I wonder how long it'll take before it completely processes. Before I feel like it's "normal."
Yesterday I sat with a friend who reminded me that I had a lot to hold onto. He gave me words of comfort and I remember feeling completely peaceful and calm around him. His prayer went deep into my heart and I had a genuine piece of hope placed inside of me and I felt protected. I could breathe, I could relax, and most importantly...I could laugh. In that moment I knew that God planned out everything for me. He wouldn't leave me alone during this time. He had a new plan now that my dad's role in my life has come to an end. I'm still a princess with a Father.
I know the moments will come when I break down and cry. I'll miss my dad until I see him again in Heaven. But I know he would want me to keep going, to keep making music, to keep writing, to keep taking photographs. He would want me to succeed in my new life here. I made him proud. I made him happy. I made him complete. I know he'll be by my side, someway, somehow.
Life could change in the blink of an eye. You just never know what could happen. The unexpected, the best, the worst, and the possibility of miracles. Hold on to those great memories. Don't run from them. Don't forget them. Find a reason to be happy, to have peace, and to continue on. God has a plan. And I'm ready for that next part of my life. The one that will help me during this time of loss, and the one that'll change me forevermore.
It all started with a trip I took on a bus down to Southern California. I had no idea what I wanted in life, where I wanted to be, but I thought living down there might be my calling. So I visited to get a feel for it. I wasn't sure what I wanted in life, or how to get to my destination, but I was determined to figure it out. Needless to say, I returned home from that trip with many tears and total confusion. My life was missing something grand, and I just couldn't feel it in my hometown.
That night as I searched online for options of what to do and how to move, I cried asking God, "What is it that you have for me? Where is it? Please point it out to me. Lead me to the answer." I was literally just crying whilst browsing Google search for anything that came to mind. But after that prayer, I had one thought. Azusa Pacific University. I only knew it as the school a new friend of mine attended. I only searched it because he spoke highly of it and how much his life changed. I thought maybe I'd at least see what they even offered.
To my surprised, I found what felt to be the most perfect major. Cinematic Arts Production. It mentioned storytelling and faith. I began to imagine what that would be like, to be a part of that. Not to mention it was located in Southern California, where I previously dreamed to move to. After two days of staring at it, I took the most unexpected leap of faith and applied. I felt set on doing it too. After the weeks went by, I started to question, "But is this what You really have for me, God? Is this not where I should go?" I questioned my real intentions for wanting to apply because I didn't exactly search any other school.
Meanwhile I decided that I would still try to go to England. I didn't give up on that dream after all, and I began to save up money. After a couple weeks beyond purchasing my ticket, I then found out I was accepted into the University. I was surprised and yet not surprised. I thought God, You must be doing this for me! I didn't worry about finances at this point. I had something to say for myself. I had a reason to move on. I was doing something with my life and my parents were proud of me.
All at the same time, I had overcome a broken heart. I didn't know it was broken until God let it break completely. But He gave me a great gift because of that. He restored my heart, healed it, and made it new. He showed me I didn't need to have fears and He could satisfy me. I started to feel ultimately loved by Jesus and that I was special. I became content in my singleness and learned that God wanted me to stop putting my life on hold and go live it. My dream of marriage would be fulfilled someday, but He wanted to show me that I could be happy in the waiting.
Eventually I was on a plane to England, with a grand smile on my face and full excitement. I arrived safely to five smiling faces and welcome signs. I spent one month and a half there, exploring and feeling so content. After weeks, God broke me down again when I was reminded of past fears. But He healed me yet again, and He used me to speak light to my friends. I grew even closer to God and when it was all complete, I was back on a plane home. I cried so very much, missing England and all my friends there. I knew I had a new life to come home to, but it was so hard to part.
Upon coming home, I felt so different. I spent that next week praying, sleeping, packing, and preparing. Soon enough, I made it to Azusa with my mom, sister, and aunt. I sadly did not have my dad with me, but I knew he was proud. I knew he saw the pictures we posted and told everyone about it. I began school, made new friends, gained three sisters in my apartment, and started my new life. I was finally getting the hang of it, despite getting overwhelmed by the amount of work and tasks that built up.
And then it happened. A sudden sadness fell upon me. I didn't know why. I went to three classes before having a break. Once that break came, I checked my messages. My sister was asking me to pray for my dad who went missing. Then her next message I checked said he was in the hospital. I called immediately and when we connected she cried out my name. Her words were unreal. I could hardly speak.
"Stephanie...Dad passed away.." Her voice was broken, weak, and shaking. Inside I felt confused, lost, unsure of how to feel. I walked home alone that day, holding my phone after she hung up, containing the tears to soon let them flow once I was away from public. I finally made it to the apartment and my roommate comforted me as I tried to process it all. Telling people now feels fake, feels wrong. That's not what I'm supposed to say about my dad...
I received prayer from all the people that knew. I had two visitors that were leaders to me and they prayed with me. I was surrounded by such loving people that I knew God made sure I wasn't alone. He equipped me for something I would have never guessed would happen. He strengthened me, brought me to my dream life, and let my dad know I made it. As much as I wish he could have stayed to watch me grow, I know that I have no choice but to let go. It is the most awful thought I've ever had to deal with and I wonder how long it'll take before it completely processes. Before I feel like it's "normal."
Yesterday I sat with a friend who reminded me that I had a lot to hold onto. He gave me words of comfort and I remember feeling completely peaceful and calm around him. His prayer went deep into my heart and I had a genuine piece of hope placed inside of me and I felt protected. I could breathe, I could relax, and most importantly...I could laugh. In that moment I knew that God planned out everything for me. He wouldn't leave me alone during this time. He had a new plan now that my dad's role in my life has come to an end. I'm still a princess with a Father.
I know the moments will come when I break down and cry. I'll miss my dad until I see him again in Heaven. But I know he would want me to keep going, to keep making music, to keep writing, to keep taking photographs. He would want me to succeed in my new life here. I made him proud. I made him happy. I made him complete. I know he'll be by my side, someway, somehow.
Life could change in the blink of an eye. You just never know what could happen. The unexpected, the best, the worst, and the possibility of miracles. Hold on to those great memories. Don't run from them. Don't forget them. Find a reason to be happy, to have peace, and to continue on. God has a plan. And I'm ready for that next part of my life. The one that will help me during this time of loss, and the one that'll change me forevermore.
Dear Dad.
Dear Dad,
Just last Sunday I read the words, "I miss my kids." And with full confidence I immediately replied, "I miss you too, Dad. Will see you again soon! :)" No response came after that and I continued about my day. It wasn't until Tuesday that I felt lost, distant, and broken. I had no idea why, I assumed it was my own inner feelings. But I felt like the sadness didn't fit well enough with those reasons. Why would I suddenly feel distant? After my third class of the day, I was done for a few hours on break. I saw messages on my phone from my sister asking me to pray for you because you went missing. I then got her voicemail that you were in the hospital and she was on her way to see you.
I immediately called her and the moment she answered I knew something was wrong by the way she cried my name. But her words made no sense to me. "Stephanie...dad passed away." I couldn't seem to register what she said. I questioned, "What?" thinking it makes absolutely no sense at all. I wish I could go back in time to the last time I saw you and tell you once again that I love you.
Dad, I have no idea why it was your time, it makes no sense to me. I feel like this is just pretend and that you'll be there coming over for food when I visit home. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay, that God has you, but I didn't know I was ready to lose my daddy. :(
You believed in me though. You were happy for me. You loved me. You took care of me for years. You made me feel like the best piano player and photographer in the world. I want to go back in time and hear you say it all over again. I wish I was warned that this would happen, but I'll try not to think too hard on it. I'm not familiar with this pain. This is so very new to me. I need you, Dad... I need you to come see me and tell me how proud you are that I made it into a top university. That I'm going to one day work in movie production and tell the world my story. I want you to keep telling people how much you love me and my sister. Did you know you were going Home?
I don't like this at all.... I want you back so very much... Just to hear you tell me once again how much you love me... :'(
Sincerely,
Your youngest daughter.
Just last Sunday I read the words, "I miss my kids." And with full confidence I immediately replied, "I miss you too, Dad. Will see you again soon! :)" No response came after that and I continued about my day. It wasn't until Tuesday that I felt lost, distant, and broken. I had no idea why, I assumed it was my own inner feelings. But I felt like the sadness didn't fit well enough with those reasons. Why would I suddenly feel distant? After my third class of the day, I was done for a few hours on break. I saw messages on my phone from my sister asking me to pray for you because you went missing. I then got her voicemail that you were in the hospital and she was on her way to see you.
I immediately called her and the moment she answered I knew something was wrong by the way she cried my name. But her words made no sense to me. "Stephanie...dad passed away." I couldn't seem to register what she said. I questioned, "What?" thinking it makes absolutely no sense at all. I wish I could go back in time to the last time I saw you and tell you once again that I love you.
Dad, I have no idea why it was your time, it makes no sense to me. I feel like this is just pretend and that you'll be there coming over for food when I visit home. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay, that God has you, but I didn't know I was ready to lose my daddy. :(
You believed in me though. You were happy for me. You loved me. You took care of me for years. You made me feel like the best piano player and photographer in the world. I want to go back in time and hear you say it all over again. I wish I was warned that this would happen, but I'll try not to think too hard on it. I'm not familiar with this pain. This is so very new to me. I need you, Dad... I need you to come see me and tell me how proud you are that I made it into a top university. That I'm going to one day work in movie production and tell the world my story. I want you to keep telling people how much you love me and my sister. Did you know you were going Home?
I don't like this at all.... I want you back so very much... Just to hear you tell me once again how much you love me... :'(
Sincerely,
Your youngest daughter.
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