You're an odd one, you really are. Somehow you keep coming back and now you've admitted that you are the reason. You are holding on to me and I know you are now. Despite the negativity in your life, you see that I remain consistently calm and forgiving. You could walk away, or I could temporarily give up on you, but once you come crawling back broken, I can't ignore you. I am your helper, staying by your side when no one else is and I am the one willing to listen to you. I didn't know I'd become this, and yet at the same time I clandestinely did.
You don't dismiss me when I'm difficult, you apologize and come down to my level and understand me. And even when it takes many, many words to do so, you still always meet me there. You're not perfect, you're life isn't all together, and you're often at a low. But you're real and I can't seem to forget you. I try so hard not to dive deep into your heart, not to ask how you actually feel, but you leave me wondering no matter how long I try not to care.
And this new fear has found me. Knowing I cannot care this deeply for two people at once, I fear that if I find someone new to take care of and to help, I might not be able to be close to you anymore. And if that's the case, you'll have to let me go. But then I fear that I will still, somehow, love you and you only. And maybe I won't. Maybe I'll move on and maybe I'll watch you fade from my life. But so far you just keep coming back.
Of all the people in the world, you have become my one special human being that I wonder the most about. I see you as a whole, yet I see all your pieces too, and I keep thinking I'm supposed to keep you. But see, you bring me back to this place. You pull me in and hold me there in such a way that I cannot leave without making a scene. You'll notice me when I'm gone and I have no idea what that would mean to you. I try to see this as a friendship, but it feels like the potential of so much more. And that confuses me. That bothers me. That scares me.
It brings tears to me eyes. Will you keep coming back? Or one day will that stop? It brings tears to my eyes because I am the only person in your life right now who you can sit down with and share all your secrets, all your thoughts, and all your struggles. You have given me such a huge role in your life that I know it will take a while before anyone else can fill these shoes I've walked in for you. And will they? Will you find someone willing to take my place? Because if you do, I'll surely have to step aside and let you go.
I want to say it's going to be all right, but I honestly do not know where this will go. We've invested time in each other's lives, and I know you so well that I know exactly how to hurt you. I hold that power and I choose not to use it because I still care. And when you hurt me, you fix it. When you disappoint me, you come and talk to me. When I'm angry, you listen. But when I'm silent, you disappear and I just hope you'll return like you always do. I hope. I wonder. I assume.
What we have with each other is an extremely challenged relationship with two people often accidentally making it work. We have bullets coming our way and we survive. We keep surviving, we keep forgiving, and we keep loving as if we have to. But we don't have to. We never had to. You come back to me and I only wonder why because I crave an adventurous buddy for life. I crave a companion and I don't know if I should be finding that in you. I don't know if I should see that in you. I don't know what God is capable of with us, and I don't know what you're willing to open up to.
You say you don't want to be alone, but you say you're afraid. You're afraid to commit in fear you'll stop caring. And yet I cannot get my mind to understand how you can keep coming back as if you haven't stopped needing me; as if you haven't stopped wanting me. And I don't know if you understand what you're building with me. I don't know if you see our growth, our adaptation with each other, and our reflections in each other's eyes. I don't know if you can see your willingness to make things right with me, to spend that time with me, and to let me love you the way I do.
But I've learned through you that I am capable of holding on tight. I learned I am capable of learning how another human being is and making it work. I am capable of relationships.
Most of all, I learned that the day I met you face to face, my heart knew correctly that you would be important. I know when I pointed you out. I knew when I found you. I knew when I was bold enough to go the miles and I knew when you hugged me for the first time. I knew you were going to be a big part of my life and although I wasn't scared at the time, I am scared now.
I am scared because I know you so well. I am scared because you are out of my control. I am scared because you were set apart in my life by a powerful God who could do absolutely anything through this. My faith remains in Him and my hope remains in Him. But you hold so much power in your own hands. You can stay. You can go. You can commit. You can give up. You can doubt. You can love. You can make a choice.
You're back, and that's really all I know for now.
