Deserving.

People have told me quite a few times in the past few years of my life that I deserve "someone better." The interesting thing is that I've never actually had the opportunity to settle for anyone less.  To think I "deserve" more makes me wonder if what I receive is really in my control. What are these people really saying to me? Jesus sat with tax collectors and sinners, but don't you think He "deserved"  more? Jesus died on a cross, but don't you think he "deserved" more? You see, that's the interesting thing in life. You will never find someone on this earth as perfect for you. We "deserve" really nothing. But with God, everything is just a plus.

Now, because I've not had the opportunity to settle for more or less, I've not even made that mistake of committing to this "less" that they feel I do not deserve. And sure, I'm flattered they think I'm worthy enough for someone great, but is it my fault when someone broken and faulty comes along? And even when a kind soul does present itself into my life, it's not like I'm jump on it like a train and travel the world. I'm starting to think that it's going to take a long time before someone will actually fight hard enough for me. If they can fight that hard though, maybe that's what I "deserve."

Here is my view on what I think I'd like to have. If a man presents himself to me someday, I'd like a wonderful foundation of friendship. With that friendship, I'd like laughter--lots of laughter. I find it one of the most important qualities in any human being. I'm curious, I am, of what it's like for someone to actually look so highly on me. That I am important to them--that my presence makes a difference. I'd want to experience someone who considers my likes and dislikes and respects them (because darling, I'd be doing the same). I'd like someone who can read my eyes and constantly ask me how I'm doing until I give an answer (because sometimes I need that pestering to open up). I'd like someone whose eyes light up when I enter a room. I'd like someone who can give out constant words of affirmation so I never have to question what they think, or how they feel.

Most importantly, I'd like someone who is real--someone broken, faulty, and has a past of trials and tribulations they overcome. I'd like someone who has empathy and a need to understand others. Someone that understands we all make mistakes, but that we can grow from them. This to me is genuine, and I wouldn't ask for perfection because I couldn't ever compare to them. I myself am broken, faulty, and full of failures. I want someone to laugh over mistakes with me and try again at the same time. If this means I'm settling for less, then so be it. Because with God, everything the world believes is great is only reversed and in the end, less is more.

To clarify, I do believe I "deserve" better than someone who treats me less than who I really am. My dad treated me like a gem, like a princess, and like one of the most important persons in the world. With that as the case, and after losing him over a year ago, I hold onto the fact that he has taught me what type of man I should ever settle for. If a man cannot see me the way my father saw me--as special and important--then I highly doubt I'd give such a man my heart. But until then, my heart is safely held in the hands of God.

I'm simply reserving it for a time that someone truly makes me smile from the inside out. Even if the world sees it before we do.

Love the Oppressed.

A building never looks the same on the back. It's not detailed, decorated, nor does it hold up a sign that welcomes you in. In most cases, it is the ugly side. The side that doesn't matter because no one is going to pay attention to it. As long as it has a pretty front, that is all that matters. The buildings that we see that only pay attention to what is on the front side are like the perspectives we have when we only look at someone through our own eyes. Through our emotions, our opinions, and our abilities, we look at someone and judge according to our own. We aren't the owner, and we don't enter through the back. We enter a shopping center, enter through the front, get what we want, and then leave.

I'm not entirely comparing human beings and social behavior to the whole of buildings in general. But it came to mind how we almost treat people like they are a store. If it looks good in the front and has what we need, we'll go in. But do we ever take the time to consider what someone looks like through their perspective? Through entering the back of a building? Through standing behind the register? Do we understand that each person created on this world comes into this world the same way you do? A helpless baby who will grow into what he or she believes based off of how those around them while growing up act and treat them.

Every human being is a sum total of all the influences that surrounded them through all the years they live. And if that's the case, then our existence in each person's life is more important than we know. When someone is angry, they have reasons. Deep reasons that we may not know until we step into their shoes and get a glimpse of why. We can stand in front of them and not bother asking, or we can sit beside them and listen. When someone is sad, there are built up emotions, fears, or experiences that has weighed them down. Will we walk past them or sit beside them and empathize?

I like to say I've been living my life a little more uniquely than the average human being. I notice this by the advice people give me when I'm undergoing tough times. There is more of a praise in "Stand up for yourself, don't deal with those people, and move on" than there is in saying, "Be humble, love anyway, and consider those around you." I look at Jesus and His life and can't help but see how He chose to sit with sinners, with the people the dominant culture was screaming, "Don't sit with those people! They're not good enough! They're unclean!" But Jesus took the oppressed people's side. He saw them being abused and He came over and gave them hope and life. Isn't that what He's asking us to do as well?

That mindset is how I choose to approach each person and trial that I face. When my fear says, "Run away" and my peers agree, God says, "I'll give you rest, stop running." I then find myself with this urge and softening of heart to change my ways from what the world agrees on and portray the ways that God designed in His word. This includes shifting my focus from my own problems and my own self to any other person involved or those around me. To stand up for the people that do not feel good enough and give them a love that not many people bothered to give. My goal is to give those who lack what they need something greater.

Love and care is not a formula, nor can it be defined by words. It's not something you give a definition to, it's something you choose to do. Sometimes it's hard to love when others wrong us, but it's more powerful than anger. Love is giving of yourself and sacrificing what may be important to you and letting the other person benefit instead. Love is listening to their cries and tending to their needs. It's the willingness to lay down your life for them if they were in danger. Love is the willingness to go out of your way to clothe the person if they're naked, feed the person if they're hungry, and give water if they're thirsty (James 2:15-17).

I must say, I have quite the big heart for not only the marginalized, but for the people that seem to hide from the world out of fear. Those are the people I want to sit beside and simply say, "I'm here for you, if you need anything." How great is our God that He would send Jesus into the world to simply empathize with us? How great is our God that He wanted to say to us, "This is how much I love you. That I would stand up for you when you were attacked and I would save you." This is the God I want to continuously follow throughout my days because He cares for me and for those around me.

Until you experience this kind of love, this sort of sacrifice, and this humbleness, you may not know the truest feeling of what it means to follow Christ. Listen to the hearts around you, change your perspective on life, and let yourself sit down next to someone and say, "I'm here for you, if you need anything." Wait if they need a moment and get to know their struggles, their life and their hopes or dreams. Get to know their favorite hobby--give them HOPE that they're not alone. Support them when they feel no one else cares. BE the change in their life. BE the hope. BE the light. Care as much for their favorite food as you do for their biggest goal in life. If the small things matter as much as the big things, then you'll find yourself actually caring.

Becoming Beautiful.

Well, I'm feeling myself entering a new little season and mindset. Not necessarily where I want to be, but my internal thoughts are now processing slightly differently. I think it's the Hallmark movies I watched over Thanksgiving break. They have this sort of power to alter your thoughts and get you dreaming again. Not that the dreaming is a good thing, but it's definitely humanly possible. I started desiring to be a part of fancy Christmas parties, or land an office job and dress up each day for work in "fancy" outfits (that I would miraculously find for cheap). But then I get these thoughts of a stranger coming into my life and changing it. This stranger would then become a friend.

A best friend?

This particular thought, however, throws me right back to where I started. I begin to shake the thoughts away and accept that I must not dream up what isn't happening. My issue is that I don't live in the present with thanksgiving. I live here having the hardest time being thankful and thinking, "Thanks, God. I love my life and I'm so blessed." I can't seem to feel that way and yet I hope and pray for it. People make a vast difference, and I was slowly drifting from my surroundings, and from everything new. When this ends in tears, all I really can do is pray it out.

I'm "mad" now to the point of internally yelling at my emotions and my self. Whatever is trying its hardest to just bring me down can seriously stop torturing me. I'm "mad" because I want to be happy, I want to be my natural self. I want to be the hyper, cheery, weird self that I know I can be. I want to be a friend to my friends and I want to be enough. I want to be desired because of my personality becoming so addicting to people. (Okay, not everyone, just my friends and new potential friends). I want to become that sort of person that someone takes a picture with just to say, "I love this girl. She's amazing to me." And I mean that with any friend that I let be close to me. I don't mean I want someone to say those things--I simply mean I want to become that sort of person worthy enough to be that for someone.

Because I need that.

I have come to recognize how much we as humans utterly need friends. We need people to love us in order to really see and feel God. Without that, we begin to live and feel alone as those who literally do and do not know God. With God, being alone isn't so hard (luckily). But without people to hold close to our hearts, we forget what God's love really is like. And I believe this all starts with the desire to change our own hearts, and to strive for a happiness that other people would yearn for.

I have grown up losing best friends. I have never managed to hold onto someone close enough as to never lose them. And now, as an adult, I find myself letting them slip away and losing confidence in myself. I have a past that made this certain life so easy to live. This sort of lack of self-confidence and broken heart--my past made it too easy for me. But I have this past as my challenge to see if I can overcome these obstacles and show the world a different story. A story of a girl who didn't deserve anything but received everything--somehow, someway, by God.

So I'm letting go of my selfish behavior and I'm going to love as best as I can all the souls that come into my life. I'm going to befriend as best as I can and when I fail, I will still call upon God. I will still get back up and love again.

I guess you could say this is my way of becoming truly and utterly beautiful.

The Lack of Happiness.

Honestly, I just want to be happy. I want to experience and feel genuine joy. I can find that in my moments with God after enduring trials, but lately I desire to see it around me at the same time. I want to be able to see and feel a true happiness in my life. It feels like it's been too long since I've actually felt content, with peace and joy. I have faith that I can make it to this point, if only for a little while, but something has always been missing in my life. I've fought and fought for years, off and on I've battled. There have been tears, anxiety, painful experiences, and moments that I just wanted to hide from the world.

For years it has felt like I always had that same thing constantly tugging at my heart. I'd have painful feelings latch onto me and I'd reach out for a dream only to never actually reach it. It's like my arm was stretched out as far as it could, trying so hard to grab hold of that dream, but in pain I would retrieve my arm and accept the loss. I'd wonder and wonder why this part of me had to keep me reaching, keep me seeking, and let me feel partially empty.

But now I accept who I am, where I am, and what has happened in my life. I am here. There is no turning back, no changing my past, nor predicting my future. I am here, in the present, and I'm turning to God to simply ask for genuine happiness. To finally sit down, relax, and breathe and know I'm actually okay. All I can feel now is a hope for happiness, but when I look around me I know I can easily be brought down if I let myself lose focus on the light at the end of the tunnel or lighthouse on the shore.

Even if others find it so silly that I practically am begging for happiness, I don't want to lie and say I have it and yet hide that part of me that can't actually believe that. They will tell me to find the good around me, and I will hear this advice being repeated as if I'm doing the wrong thing by recognizing the truth within me. But I'm tired of pretending like I'm doing all things right. I am a human, and I will indeed feel these things. I want to let this out and let God truly come in and show His power. In order to see the difference He intends to make in my life, I know I must admit my faults, failures, desires, and emptiness. I admit it to Him because He is God and He already knows the truth. But I think He wants me to know it for myself.

My thoughts and dreams aren't silly and I know they aren't. God knows them to be real, to reflect a part of Him, and to show that I have a heart that isn't always strong. I want to find myself in a place where everything around me isn't so broken anymore. Where I can hold onto a true friend and feel content, or sit around family and feel welcomed. I want to walk the streets at night with someone that just knows me and I want to laugh it away and know I'm at a good place in life. I want to feel like I don't have to hide my feelings anymore. I want to release them. I want to feel right. I want to say that God has brought me out of the wilderness and into the Promised Land, metaphorically speaking. I want to know I made it there and I want to feel that joy.

I cannot express in enough words how utterly hard it is for me to feel so completely far from that happiness. I cannot express in enough detail how very desperate I am to actually feel that joy. A joy so intense that tears will fall down my face as I smile at something miraculous in my life. I want one of those moments where you know you suffered for seven years but it comes to its end and there is a reward for enduring. I want that beautiful moment of satisfaction to happen and to not dissipate so quickly.

Maybe what I'm saying is I want to hold onto something for once without losing it. I want to grasp something and hold it close without dropping it. I want to hold on because I want something to become familiar and last forever the way God has lasted in my life. I cannot achieve this on my own. I want to be real and I want something real. I want something genuine and true in my life. Something I can look at and believe that I've found what belongs to me. A reward all my own and customized to fit me perfectly.

Dear God...please bring me joy this Christmas because only You know what I truly need and what I truly long for. Only You know my heart.

When All Goes Wrong.

For the past few weeks, I have lacked a genuine and sincere feeling of joy. It has become incredibly hard to accept that each meaningful and important thing in my life has instead wilted or altered. One thing has remained positive though, in which I highly thank God for, and that is my relationships I hold dear with my mother and sister. But somewhere along the line of life, I have lost the proper image of what a genuine and sincere friend truly looks like. I only crave it because I want to know I can have it. I want to know that I can obtain it instead of destroy the possibilities. When the rocks are continuously falling from the mountain, I simply wonder what happened to the comfort in a true friend.

I crave a sense of freedom. In fact, I now too often beg God for this heavy and painful burden to be lifted. I've spent the past few weeks fighting it all off, fighting my way through, and now I wake up with that one sort of thought that says, "What happened?" Can anyone actually show me the real Jesus? Now, don't get me wrong. I still have friends. I value them all and try my best to remember them. But my confidence I've built up has been threatened and after getting kicked down so harshly I've learned that what I wanted and needed all along was just something true. Something sincere. Something lasting.

Metaphorically speaking, I want one of those warm hugs where you can literally feel cared for and protected. I want this feeling from my Creator and I want to see everything that has gone wrong turn around and change for the better. I want to be better. I want to be great. I want to get so caught up in my talents and passions that no person around me could bring me down. I don't want to be used for the things I'm good at or be treated less than who I believe I am.

When all goes wrong, could this mean that my desires do not line up with my actual life? Could this mean that God has so much more, but I'm just not seeing it? Could this mean that I am aware that I deserve so much more? Or could this mean that I've lost an ability to see? To hope? To believe? I've always been so dependent on God. Being close to God to me is spending time talking to him throughout the day, or praying just to feel better. Being close to God to me means choosing to believe in Him, even when everything looks awful around me. When all goes wrong, could this mean that I'm on the wrong path? Or the right one?

I guess I won't know these answers. I now spend most of my days to myself. I talk to God the most and my mom the second most. I walk alone. I learn alone. Sometimes I'd rather be alone because it's less disappointing or more comfortable. It's not common for me, but it's becoming common now. I've risked getting close to people and I've risked messing up friendships. I've risked these things because I was tired of hiding and I was tired of pretending. I've risked it all and now I sit alone as if there is a missing security in my friendships. And that's the part I'm willing to accept. That's where my prayer begins.

I want something true. Something real. A turnaround in this negative season I'm in. I want a miracle. I want to feel secure. I just want more of Jesus and I'm too tired to try.

Dear God, please help me.

Conditional Commitment.

Lately it feels like I'm almost pretending that I have indeed done the right thing. But I decided to spend these days in prayer and walk. Most of my afternoons consist of at least one walk around the block or a few cycles of it. I proceed to take another walk at night, in which I have now witnessed two falling stars because of it. I'm giving myself some time before taking any form of action, meanwhile I am also asking God for the proper opportunity.

I guess it takes running away to fully understand what you're running from and if you'll miss it. I see myself unquestionably loving my friends around me and yet pushing one particular soul out of the way. I knew my reasons for it, and for the record, my reasons made sense to the world. I was overwhelmed, confused, and afraid--end of story. But looking back, I can see that my repetitive behaviour isn't solving much issues in my heart.

Perhaps my case is that I get too involved and scare myself to pieces. I dive into things like it's a bowl filled with pudding and then get sick quickly. I admit, I get excited and can't help but want to make the most of everything I begin. My problem isn't in beginning anything or trying anything. My problem is in staying and sticking through it when it gets tough. It's an odd thing for me to admit because I always considered myself a very committed individual. I still think I am, but is my commitment conditional?

This is where the word "conditional" comes into play quite hardcore. I've developed a mindset to believe that my goal is to be unconditional. But somehow over time, I've conditioned my friendships. I think, "As long as we are pleasing to each other, we're good." And I don't intentionally think up these things, but looking back on my past, I can see it being worked out. I almost lie to myself by saying, "I will love you no matter what." And what should "no matter what" actually mean?

I will love you even if you do not love me. I will love you even if you fade away. I will love you even if you get mad at me. I will love you even if you walk away. I will love you even if I am hurting. I will love you even when you're away. I will love you even if you do not choose me. I will simply just love you.

How could I possibly portray such an image when I choose to hide away? Sure, I can last ages applying this way of living, but I can't quite get myself to merely do it out of the goodness of my own heart. I can't seem to apply this when the going gets tough. I can't seem to look at someone I care deeply about in the eyes and say, "You may not choose me, but I'm going to stay to simply love you anyway." Because I may do it once, I may choose it when I see they are not on the same page, but there is this unfortunate selfish part in me that instead says, "But if you really can't see what I see, I won't be able to handle it." And followed by such a feeling, I give up on portraying to that special person what love actually is.

This bothers me because I find myself too sensitive to accept certain situations. It bothers me because my heart keeps telling me, "Why can't you just love them anyway? Why do you walk away when it gets too hard?" But I practically beg of God that I can one day break that wall I've built and become determined to actually see that person happy for what they accomplish, even if I stand off to the side as a simple friend. Shouldn't they matter enough for me to stay? Shouldn't they be great enough for me to watch them grow without walking away? And even if they aren't great, even if they hurt me with words or choose to walk away themselves, shouldn't I not be afraid of them?

I do not believe I can ever truly overcome this until I get myself to stop cutting ties when it's tough on my heart. I cannot overcome this until I can look them in the eye and tell them that their happiness means a lot and that I will support them no matter what. This is eating at my heart as the hours and days go by. I beg and beg to God now that He will lift my heart up and mend it so that it may function well enough for me to avoid the action of walking away when I'm scared.

I need not be scared. I need not walk away. I need not stop loving when I truly trust in God.

The Guilt of Copping Out.

The heart has this way of telling you all the things you didn't really want to know. It tells the truth when you least want to hear it. It guides you in ways you often try running from instead. When you connect your heart to God, it's honestly the hardest thing to ignore. Maybe our hearts know what is right. Maybe we spend too much time ignoring what it's really saying. Maybe.

I feel as though I've made quite the mistake. Not that I want to go back in time and change it, but that I needed to make this mistake in order to learn something. I tried justifying everything by using God, just so I could feel better about what I did. I then proceeded to listen to the people around me who stood in agreement to my decision. But the truth of the matter is that I ran.

I needed to run to find myself though. I needed to run back to God and let Him heal me, direct me, and set me straight. It seems as though every time I choose to run, I run right into God and right into my biggest problem. It's much like a slap in the face at times, but maybe God just knows how I work and how I break. To be honest, I really feel like God is now showing me how horrible my ability to run is. It's almost as if He is asking me, "Why do you keep running? Why do you give up right at the end? When will you stop running?"

Today I have experienced a deeper form of guilt. A guilt that got me teary-eyed and on a walk of shame. Not because someone made me feel bad, but because I knew I made a mistake. I ran from something and hurt someone along the way. And I knew I hurt him. I saw it in his eyes, I heard it in his voice, and his words were enough to say that I was handling it in such a cowardly way. I was reverting back to my old habits, doing what I thought is the thing to do. But what have I really accomplished this way?

As for me not to feel completely ashamed of my choice, I believed and still believe that God intended for me to make this mistake. He knew I would handle it this way and I believe He intended to bring good out of it anyway. God works with us as  His children. I believe this with my entire heart. He knows we will make mistakes just like He knew after He flooded the earth. We as humans would sin, would mess up, and would come crawling back to Him to beg for forgiveness. God is a loving and powerful God. This comforts me because I know He is willing to work with me with all of my mistakes, failures, and regrets.

What I now understand is that I need to stop copping out and running from my fears. I need to start climbing the mountain with the intention to climb over instead of letting go and falling down again. It seems as though God has been working with me on this for years as if He truly cares so much for me that He'd take this time to keep working around me. He understands I want to run from it all and He understands I'm afraid. But with Him, do I really need to hide? I need to stop listening to the world and start listening to the still but small voice from my loving Father.

I hurt a very special friend in my life. I kept thinking about myself and what was hurting me and then forced myself to ignore his pain when he realized I truly was walking away. I knew him so well, I took the time to hear his story, and then I killed everything that we had without allowing myself to work it out with him. I just copped out. And now, with my big and sensitive heart, I ache over the fact that I knew I hurt him. I believe God is with him, that he will be okay, but it doesn't take that guilty feeling inside of me away.

This has been quite the reality check for me. It feels like God Himself is looking down on me thinking, "Have you not learned that I am God? That I can do all things? That I Am? Are you going love the way I want you to love and then give up last minute because you're afraid? Do you not trust Me?" God isn't a God who makes us take the easy path. I do not believe He guides us to the easy ways. He's a God that says, "Take this road, it's less traveled on because it's much harder, but I can show you My power this way. Do you trust me?" What is that dark path we are so afraid to take? I think God is saying, "Go down that way. Shine your light there. I've got you."

I watched someone else's life get built and broken and when I knew I meant a lot to them, I ripped myself away. I didn't stay to talk it out or face the fear to overcome it. I gave them a friend like they've never had before and then ran. That is the reality. Not for me to look down on myself suddenly, but for me to see that I need to fix this. I need God to come down and mend this broken friendship that I created because I will never overcome my fear by running. I do not want to go on in my life with the idea in mind that when things got too tough, I copped out.

This I pray, that God brings forth the opportunity for this broken part of my life to be mended and put  back together. I pray that I can fix my mistake and not run away anymore. I pray that when it gets as tough as it is now, I rely on God to give me strength. I pray that the person I hurt along the way will see that they matter more to me than what I showed. I pray that our time apart can serve a great purpose.

I don't want to run away anymore.

Solitude, Destruction and Reconstruction.

I did not quite complete my blog posts on my week of solitude, nor did my week end with that thought in mind. Life has this way of twisting and turning out of the blue, setting us off course from the path we intended to take. At least, that's what happened to me. Before I continue to explain, I'd like to say that my decision to seek solitude indeed led me to my Creator. It stirred up emotions, thoughts, and fears like I could no longer ignore them. This is not the first time I've had to address issues in my heart, but it was definitely a very sensitive and significant time for me.

There is an area in my life that I've experienced in negative ways. I've only seen sad or ugly endings and I've endured through each new situation in that area in ways that still broke me. The time I've invested in certain people, putting my heart out there, is great and lengthy. If there's one thing I'm certain about with myself, it's that I love deeply and hard when I put my mind to it. But this is the area in my life that I have continuously given up to God. This is the area that silently created bitterness and anger over time, because my experiences were continuously hopeless and sad.

Tonight though I feel filled with a sense of strength that is not my own, but rather God's. Although I still haven't seen the bigger picture to understand what is happening in my life today, I feel like He has given me quite the glimpse of what He has started. Just the other night, I had a revelation. It was one of those moments where as I'm speaking out my thoughts based on what I can see, I suddenly paired what happened around me to what happened between God and me. These moments are by far my favorite, where a piece of a puzzle comes out of nowhere and places itself in connection to another.

I truly felt like God went silent to simply make Himself known. Without Him, would I notice? Would I realize how much He actually meant to me if I didn't hear from Him? If He didn't show up? If suddenly He just wasn't there when I was used to  Him being there? But did He "hide" because He doesn't love me and wanted me alone? No, I think not. I believe He went silent so that I would come diligently seeking Him because He means a lot to me. He knew that no matter how far I went, no matter how deep I sunk, He could resurrect me out of anything. He knew that when I hit my lowest, I'd come running to Him and if He wasn't there... I would miss Him. He was still there, but He was silent, letting me learn what my truest pain was so He could then take it away.

I believe that God is still in process of working with me on this, and it is taking me years to grow this much. But this is my story and it speaks greater than it would have if I never had those bad or hopeless looking experiences. Tonight I feel this strength in me that has allowed me to look up and see a light at the end of the tunnel. It has allowed me to feel this hope that everything is going to turn out all right. I have struggled with my faith because of my ability to believe in things that have never once in my life happened. It gave me the idea that I tend to believe in the unseen and impossible and then I proceed to watch them never happen before I move on to something new. Although that is unfortunate, I can still feel my faith wanting to return despite its failures.

This hope inside of me allows me to feel like God will surprise me with an answer I can never make up in my head no matter how many made-up scenarios I picture. God's solution to this negative area in my life is unimaginable at this moment, but I feel that hope that He's bringing me there. Out of fear, I held on so tightly to a person that made me feel happy around him. I held on tightly because I felt like if I let go, I would fail to believe. I somehow believed that if I stayed around, I would witness everything changing. I held on because it meant taking a risk and I wanted to prove to God that I was willing to believe again. But then I let go when I realized they weren't holding on in return. When the other person isn't holding on back, letting go means falling. So I fell. I fell so far down after climbing so high that it hurt an incredible amount.

I can look back and see that it was entirely human of me to react the way I did. That it was perfectly normal and okay to cry, to break, and to feel defeated. I imagine God knew it would happen but He wanted to be that Knight in shining armor who "saved the day" because He was the only one capable of it. So although it hurt at first, as I grieved a loss of something I once found beautiful, God wasn't finished with that part in my story. He wasn't leaving that prayer unanswered, or story left unfinished. I believe God intends to finish what He has started but for now He merely needed me alone. Because through my story, I can show the world that when life hits you with the heaviest, sharpest, and biggest rock...you can still get back up and find strength in God.

God is shaping me into one strong human being, even when I keep using up that strength and finding myself on the floor. I know myself to keep getting back up, attempting to believe all over again that something great is about to happen. Although I've let myself believe false hope one too many times in life, I'm now to the point where I'm seeking true hope. The hope in what you cannot see because you haven't even imagined it. Tomorrow as I turn twenty-four, I pray that God fills the next year of my life with true hope. Not hope in my dreams, but hope in God's dreams. I know now that I can love with my entire heart. I know now that I can take risks, even if I get scared. But most of all...I know now that I can love and then walk away empty handed and it still be worth it. Love alone is worth the fight.

Solitude: Day Three.

Spending more solitude time with God started off really rough, as I mentioned in my previous two blogs. It hasn't gotten easier, but it's an interesting time in my life. It's interesting because for the first time in quite a while, I cannot hear God nor feel Him. It's as if I'm going based off of habit, assuming that God is with me and believing even when I cannot see Him, feel Him, nor hear Him. It is one of the scariest feelings I've ever actually felt, and I'm not quite sure how to properly deal with this besides prayer.

Day three went okay (I am writing this a day later). I missed my classes again because of how off my mind is. I think I need this week to sort this out, but I'm still lost as to how this is going to end. During my day I ran into one friend who talked a little bit with me about what's been going on. When we parted, he gave me a hug for the first time and it served as a reminder that no matter what, no matter how far I feel from the world, the friends I have do care deeply.

It is more normal for me to have a revelation, get a sudden dose of hope, and get right back up on my feet. It is the most common answer each time I faced fear. Although I cannot feel that now, and it is taking me a while to accept reality, I am determined to keep my trust in God and do whatever I can to get through this. I've always held so much faith in everything that I went through. I can recall the years I spent truly believing in what seemed impossible to others. The hardest part now is picking myself back up and continuing on as if I still believe. Because to  be honest, I'm not sure what to believe at the moment.

The years I spent in off and on agony have scarred me enough to take this long to still feel them and fight them. It has been well over 2 years since I took on such a fight and I'm now battling all over again. My heart is too big and too fragile that I continuously tell God I can't do this anymore. I find myself at a total surrender lately and when I sit to talk with God, I quickly fade away. I'm convinced there is purpose behind this though. I refuse to believe that He has abandoned me because in His word, He says He will never leave nor forsake me. In my weakness, I know He is strong. He is the reason I can still breathe, I can still function, and the reason I can still believe in at least something changing soon.

To end my day three, I attended chapel with one of my closest friends and on our walk there, I told him how I haven't been well. I could only manage to share a portion of what I understand is happening, but even then, I couldn't explain it enough. I have a mixture of thoughts, a mixture of fear, and a mixture of feelings. I keep thinking that this is going to cause me to lose him because I'm going to walk away. Not even because he will walk away, but because I would walk away. Out of fear, I would flee and leave him as if to run from everything so that I never had to risk my heart again. This has unexpectedly become reality for me and I'm trying so hard to figure it out and not drag him down with me.

None of this is anyone's fault. I see all of my friends with care in their eyes and I only want to keep this between God and me. Although the truth is leaking, I know that in the end I will feel stronger. At least, this is where I put my hope. It is so easy to question myself, "Will I ever overcome this? Will this always bother me?" The root of my fear is something that has never been proved wrong. It is something that now haunts me in my dreams, causes anxiety, and sucks me dry when I think about it. This is the reality of spending all these years never understanding why I have that ability to love nonetheless and risk everything in hopes that it won't hurt someday.

I pray that God will return to me. I pray that I can feel Him again. I pray that He can take this fear away. I'm not sure how long I can endure, but I trust that He is there, even when it doesn't feel that way. I cling too much to my dream. I don't know how not to. It feels like the same thing has been attacking me ever since I turned 18. It's been about six years since I haven't fought what I now fight. I'm not sure what God is doing. I'm not sure how He can use this for good. But I hope and pray He will.

Solitude: Day Two.

This day possible marks the worst day. I wish I didn't have to say that, but it's true. It started off in tears while my heart became fearful. I still got ready for class and grabbed my backpack before heading off to campus. Once I got near the trolley stop, I ignored it and continued to walk because I was early and I needed the solitude of walking. I kept feeling like tearing up, feeling afraid, feeling attacked. As I walked and got close to the further campus, I began to question whether I should actually attend class or solve what's going on inside of me.

By the time I got there, I tried contacting my mom and sister to feel better. I sent myself a voice message note to talk it out as well, and then gave up on actually attending class. I eventually talk with my mom on the phone as she attempts to lift me up and encourage me. I get on the trolley and head back home. At this point, I really want to escape to my actual home with my mom and sister. I felt disconnected to everything here. In fact, it was the scariest feeling to have.

I tried to use up this alone time to speak to God, to figure out what a solution could be. I began to realize that I could not feel God at all. I felt like He abandoned me in my situation that I struggled with and left me to fend for myself. I couldn't believe this of Him though, so I tried to ignore such thoughts and trust that something would happen. Only time could tell at this point. Once I got back to my apartment, the tears came streaming down my face and my heart physically felt unwell. How could this be happening to me?

I wanted to go home immediately. I wanted to unite with my mother and sister and be somewhere with people that have known me my whole life. These are the people who have never left me and I wanted to just be there with them because I felt so far away. I needed something more familiar, something or someone that ran deeper than the friendships I had made. Was I being attacked? Was something trying to bring me down so deep to merely suffocate me? How could this have happened mid-semester? I knew school wasn't the issue. My homework load was light compared to everyone else's. I had no midterms coming up. School was not the problem--yet I wish it was.

This fear and anxiety that hit me is real. I had to choose to fight it constantly and not give up, hoping and praying that God was somewhere out there, even if I couldn't feel Him. I took a lot of walks throughout this day. I walked everywhere I needed to go and saw two female friends when I didn't want to be alone. When I was calming down, I managed to take my journal out to the benches in my apartment complex area and write out everything going on in my head. Writing is always therapeutic for me, but so is sitting outside.

Whilst outside, a familiar face came along and this guy asked me how I was doing. I replied with honesty that I wasn't doing that well. He came over and was understanding, thinking it was schoolwork. I explained it was internal, but that I'm just taking it one minute at a time. He offers to pray for me and places his arm around me and speaks out a prayer that lifted my spirits in that moment. It felt like God showed up to remind me that He loves me and that He has not left me. Because this man had no idea what I was actually going through, his words felt like it was God Himself speaking to my heart. It made such a large difference for this guy to come up and offer prayer. Now I pray that God blesses him beyond measure because of his obedience.

The rest of the night I spent remaining calm. No more crying, decreased amount of fear, and hoping to Skype with my mom so I could see her. I missed all my classes unfortunately, but I needed to sort this out. I needed to give myself the time to breathe and continue praying. It was almost like the grief I dealt with a year in advance upon losing my dad. And although my grieving has come to a very controllable state over that, I knew that any fear that could hit me also made me wish my dad was still around.

It is crazy to think that deep and intense fear inside of us can be triggered by such tiny things. It's crazy to think that this could happen out of the blue and that we as humans could become so afraid that the entire world around us changes. It's hard to feel okay, happiness seems like its miles away, and no matter what people say, you can't feel anything good until that time passes. I can't seem to conquer this part of me, and yet I try. I have fought for years over my emotions, my feelings, my life in general. I've taken such huge risks because my heart is so big it wants to accomplish the greatest things. It wants to love the unloveable and then some. And that's the hardest part.

The closer you get to anyone, the more you risk. And the more you risk, the greater the fear becomes. And one day it might try to eat you alive and tear you down. Has God abandoned me? I do not think so. I think the fear tried to blind me from Him and close my ears to His voice. I knew only God could get me out of this pit and calling on Him is what I would do no matter how far He seemed. I have this fear of losing the people I hold close, but mainly of growing close to someone I would eventually lose to someone else. I want to hold on and yet I'm incredibly afraid of making the wrong choice. And this is what I give up to God.

For day two of attempting to practice solitude, I was definitely informed of what is going on in my heart. There is a battle. A very heavy and intense battle and it scared me quite deeply. But I pray that God will take over, make a way, and clear this fear in me. That He will open my eyes to the beauty and solution He has for me. I may not know what that is, but I do know that He has been there for me before and He is the same God who will be there for me now. As scary as it was to face this unexpected attack...I have a feeling that God will use this for good. I may have been knocked down, but I'm not dead.

Solitude: Day One.

Day One of Solitude

Last night I decided to really embrace the idea of solitude, thanks to a message I heard from my Resident Advisor. The idea of this discipline honestly came at the perfect timing. To be honest, I was avoiding being alone. This allowed me to spend an excessive amount of hours with a friend or two. And although those hours spent allowed me to grow a deeper friendship with them, I was slowly missing out on God and myself.

When I ended up alone, I immediately felt like I had to find someone, something, or anything to get me away from that alone time. I wasn't thinking about enjoying it, I was thinking about needing someone to see and talk to. I started getting used to calling on a particular friend, letting him visit me or I visit him at any available time we had. It almost became habit. Yet in the end, as of last night, I felt incredibly empty. As if something was missing and all I could think to do was crave home and want to be somewhere more familiar and comfortable. I wanted to escape this life here for a bit. But the question was simply, "Why?"

Today I embraced this solitude idea and allowed myself to be alone when I was able. I had lunch with my old roommate that was already previously planned, but it was perfect timing as well. One thing I noticed lately was I missed having "sisters" around. I missed that female bond that I was slowly but surely starving myself of. I lost so many close bonds that I stopped trying so hard to call out on anyone. My male friends are great, respectful, and amazing listeners. But they can never fulfill that part of me that needs a sister to sit there next to me and rub my back to say, "I know exactly how you feel." 

Each time I was alone, I either talked to God, or just looked around at everything surrounding me. I let my inner thoughts help reveal what might be hidden inside of me. I haven't yet discovered what God intends to show me, but today He definitely helped me understand this importance of solitude. To help me start off this week of this particular discipline, I also met with a campus pastor who has known me for a bit over a year now. He pointed things out that he noticed I was saying, and affirmed that my thoughts and feelings are normal. He also affirmed that I seem to be handling this time in my life quite well. I guess I always know what to say to myself, even if I lack to listen at times.

Meeting with this pastor helps me. I guess you could say he's the closest person I have to a "father figure" in my life now. His prayers and occasional calls make me feel important, and I've learned that as a young female, we have this intense longing to be "wanted" and to feel valued. I think I've looked far too down on myself over how women long to be treated. I guess I have a hard time feeling like I deserve to be served. When any men in my life are considerate and generous to me, I feel like I shouldn't accept that behaviour, as if I'm "prideful" or "selfish." 

I know why this thought comes to mind. There are women in the world with high expectations and men who can't meet those expectations. In fact, the other day I was with a friend and he helped me get groceries. When we arrived to drop off my bags at my apartment, he said he would leave me all the light bags. The moment any guy takes my physical weakness into consideration as a pure kind and considerate act, I have the hardest time believing it's perfectly okay. Would he even know that something so tiny like that meant the world to someone like me? Sure, I hid this behaviour with a joking response by looking at him as if he was implying I'm weak. But the truth of the matter was that I was incredibly thankful he was willing to take a load off my shoulder and take the heavier bags.

I won't prolong my reflections of the day any longer with these side stories, but after this one day of beginning solitude, I'd say I'm already checking what's going on inside of me. I have a longing to be "wanted" and "needed" and I'm convinced that God simply made women this way. We are meant to be "lifesavers," "helpers," or perhaps I should say an ezer kenegdo. When anyone asks me what my biggest dream is, only one thought comes to mind. To be a wife. The idea of supporting someone until the end excites me! I guess you could say it's what makes college hard. Because I'm not majoring in becoming a wife... I'm majoring in Cinematic Arts and hoping it gets me somewhere. A job someday isn't my happiness though.

Some reflections of my day whilst being alone include realizing that God truly made us into relational people. I think that the world is starting to reveal this idea of "if you're not in a relationship with someone, you need to learn how to be happy on your own." And yet we have a God who clearly saw how the first man on earth recognized LONELINESS. Without another human being on this earth, our lives would be pointless. God is relational! God intends relationships! We are perfectly normal to long for close and intimate relationships. The first thing I believe that each single person needs to recognize is that it is healthy to long for companionship. And that's what my pastor today revealed to me. He helped me feel good when I shared that I've always wanted a best friend who stayed in my life. I now have no idea what a true best friend is. But I long for it and I think God understands this as the way we were made. I simply pray He provides such a best friend.

The last major thing I saw within me happened earlier tonight. I was walking on my own to the store when I was reminded of an old but familiar fear. With any close relationship I ever develop in friends always comes that little yet massive fear that I might lose them. And if they play a big part in my life, it's one scary feeling. I don't even have to believe that I will lose them. But the idea of it reminds me that the people I have once held close have now moved on. Are these loose connections? I am not sure. But the tears will come at that one thought: what if they won't stay long? 

My prayers for this week now include everything revealed to me yet again today, and that I can understand what God is trying to say to me. I hope that this week, as I spend most of my days finding solitude with God, I learn the importance of who I am and who God made me to be. I also pray that He guides me out of these unfortunate feelings and grants me hope. I've noticed a lack in happiness, so I pray that God brings me joy. I pray that after this week, I can embrace close friendships for what they are, and enjoy them without the fear of losing them. God is a God who provides what we need when we need it. God is a God of surprises. God is love. God is good. God's got this.

A Burden Lifted.

I believe that burdens are capable of blinding us from the actual truth. And because they can blind us, we can miss out on the beauty that God sets before us. I definitely experienced how utterly awful it can feel to let things build up so high that you can't breathe. In the end, I knew it was my fault, but I couldn't have learned this lesson any better any other way. In a sense, I am thankful and glad that God used my built burden for His good.

Out of fear--a fear so intense that it practically controlled me as a whole--I chose to bottle up my feelings and almost pretend they meant nothing. And I did this to my best friend. The closer I let myself get to him, the more I feared that I would ruin it all if I told him everything that went on inside of me. All I could see were bad memories, the same response, and my fear staring me in the face. It consumed me so much so that I found myself crying out to God yesterday morning for the first time in a while.

It wasn't one of those typical cries. Plus, I've hardly cried in the past few months. When I do cry, it's brief, or has something to do with my dad. But this time, it was cry out of fear. It was one of those cries where you are able to see how incredibly scared you actually are. And that was me. So afraid that I had to let it out to my God to simply say, "Please, I cannot do this to myself. Please help me." It hurt so bad in that moment yet felt so good to pour it out in that shower, as if the water represented God's love pouring down on me to cleanse me.

That same day I decided it was time I released this burden, faced my fear, and took God with me. I was entirely nervous to reveal my inner most being to my best friend, but I needed him to know that I don't want to hide how I truly feel, what I truly believe, and how much I've truly come to love him as a being and friend.

At first I shut down as he asked what I wanted to say. Perhaps for a split second I saw every bad experience from my past. All those moments I chose to spill my heart out only to be told, "I don't know what to say... I'm never going to feel that way for you." Or the words that were once told to me, "I'm never going to wake up and realize that I love you." I stuck around at that time, I went ahead and befriended a person that I accidentally grew attached to and I had no idea how to let go. But when I did, it took a divine intervention.

In that moment that I instead handed that one special person my letter of truth, I could only remember how awful it felt to be honest in the past. But he was worth it. I couldn't keep pretending like I was fine and lying to him. As he read my words on the paper, I sat there trying to remain strong and calm, trusting that God is involved, that God is behind this, and that God's got this. As I sat there, I glanced at him a few times only to find him smiling while reading it. It calmed me as I waited though.

His response in that moment was enough. He said my honesty wouldn't change things, and although I was confused as to how it all made him feel, he somehow left me with hope. That it's going to be okay this time. That together we will work on the things we struggle with, and that I still have him. I still have him to learn from and to help. I still have him around to break our walls together, and I still have him around to laugh with.

I left that day with the heaviest burden lifted off my shoulders and it was possibly one of the best feelings I've experienced after taking a risk to be vulnerable about my feelings and desires. I didn't feel rejected in any way. I felt understood. I felt like maybe he and I were simply at the same level. Not ready for the next step, but aware of our current issues to work towards it. Because whatever is to come, I know to trust that God is already there. And for now, that is enough.

The Truth About Being Close.

One might think that growing close to someone means understanding, laughter, trust, and lots of love. And although that might be true, there is this closeness that instead is scary, unknown, and intimidating. I cannot say those are the correct words to properly describe what I mean, but I can say that growing close to someone requires so much strength and most definitely trust. Although there is laughter as you let someone into your heart, there is also fear.

I say this though with the fact in mind that I have never actually allowed anyone to enter into the area around my heart. It was quite easy for me to inevitably build a wall and hold people at a comfortable distance. Not that I intentionally built this wall, but that I guarded my heart closely and never put up a welcome sign. This is indeed human of me to somehow accomplish, but at twenty-three years of ages, I am actually now questioning my own inner self.

I see myself slowly but surely putting up this welcome sign with a massive amount of hesitant behaviour. I'm afraid just as much as I'm anxious to let someone share a part of my life. To let them in and let them see the depths of my very own heart. Yet at the same time, I'm intimidated at getting to know another heart. Will it become too much? Will I be able to handle it?

But what is it like to have someone become so close to me that their actions affect mine and mine affect theirs? I wonder this to its full extent now after all this time. I never had the opportunity to let someone get close enough to merely hold me in a hug or tug at my fragile heart. But here I am, risking it all, realizing that I've somehow let go enough to open a door and risk someone coming in. Although I remain totally unsure of how close he'll come, I stand here in hopes that I won't be so afraid.

He seems like more of a glimpse of what is to come, helping me see that I have a lot to work on. A part of me wants to learn with him because of his own shy and hesitant behavior, but the other part of me is afraid he will instead run away. I let my heart beat faster than normal when he commits an act of affection that surprises me. It's in our time away that I can collect myself and remember why I admire him.

Sure, there is that fear inside of me that I won't know how to handle his nearness if he challenges me to do so, but with our lack of communication, I have no idea how to treat him. I treat him as the friend that he is to me, but he seems to allow a nearness that I'm not familiar with. You see, he is the only one who notices the tiny things about me and the only one who can manage a smile that lifts my spirits. He lives life so differently and uniquely and keeps me entertained because of it. He makes me feel happy with myself all the while making me so afraid at the same time.

The truth about being close is...it's' the hardest thing I've ever had to accomplish. It gets my heart pounding if I let him touch me and I hold myself  back from throwing my arms around him to merely say, "I would choose you if I could." Of all the people in my life, he's that one human being that makes me question if God put him in front of me on purpose. I have no idea how to let him become closer because I have no idea if he wants to. But now I hope I can put up that welcome sign just for him. I wish he would find the strength to reveal to me his honest truth about why he has become as close as he has.

Because if he could do that, I would finally let go of all this confusing and continuous confusion. If this is what falling in love really feels like, then I most definitely have never fallen in love before.

Hidden Words.

I cannot say the words. They are the only things I hold back. I just cannot say them. They would explain everything, but yet I cannot let them leave my mouth. They have trapped themselves inside my overly protected heart and refuse to ever escape. I will commit the actions. I will imitate my thoughts. But those words--oh how I fear to share those words--they remain hidden deep inside.

It's very silly of me to automatically assume that the consequences will be the same. It's also very silly of me to allow myself to even half believe that history will be repeated in exactly the same manner. Nothing is quite the same anymore and one may think this is enough reason for me not to fear. But all I know is one way and that one way is all I see. If the words come out, I will shut down and run away.

I remember when I had the ability to let the words out. I spoke it, sung it, and put my little heart on the line shouting, "Speak!" I got so used to it, that even if I was afraid, I still spoke. I was used to the words that always came back. Those words that came back were faithful to return each and every single time that my own words departed into open honesty. They filled the empty space like perfume and back in my face came toxic.

I cried one too many tears each time those words left. I'd hold them in for months at a time and let them fly out like an exploding bomb. I thought this was dangerous and risky... But I got used to it. And that's the thing this time. I was used to it. I know very well how much it hurt to have those words practically shoved back into my face. My honesty was the most scariest thing to put out there in that open space. I put it in lyrics--they went ignored. I put it in a journal--it was returned with less than what I wished for. I put those words in metaphor--but it was never enough.

The words would never have been enough. It took me years to accept and finally understand that I sent forth those words to the wrong set of ears. They'd always come back to me, void or unaccepted. Maybe I'm thankful that they did, but it sure did leave me with the idea in mind--speaking those words will indeed end with heartbreak. Speaking those words is that one step to letting go and sometimes, I just don't think I want to let go.

If I hold these words in, I can endure longer. If I hold them in, I can hope more. If I hold them in, there is that possibility that my actions will speak loud enough for me to show me whether the words are worth it or not. Maybe if I hold them in, I can easily sneak myself out the door and run as far as I can. I'll run so far that no one can hear those words. No one can return them void.

And when I run, I'll look back in high hopes that the ears meant to hear such words will run after me and tell me to "speak." Maybe then I'll say those words. They'll leave my mouth like they were begging to be set free and float themselves into the perfect set of ears. These ears will accept these words as if they're medicine for the heart. These words will change their disbelief and mend their wounded and fearful heart. Maybe these words will be all that they were hoping for and I'll never run again.

Excited For My Return.

I am so excited for my return to APU. Not just because I love the school and the community and the classes, but because there are so many faces I miss seeing. There are people I miss sitting on campus with, so many friends I miss going on "dates" with and laughing the day away. I made some memorable moments and valuable friends that have helped change my life for the better.

There is just something special about this year that makes me feel genuinely happy. Life is looking up. Love is in the air and God is good! Seriously, I feel so loved at that school. I feel important! I feel smart too! And I hated school and homework! But of course, that was high school and not many people actually like high school... Well, at least I didn't!

This is a more casual blog entry, sort of like a facebook post entry. But I felt this blog needed an update nonetheless. I'm learning a lot this year! I'm learning to be happy too. I'm learning to be myself.

Nothing compares to what God prepares.

The Hardest Part.

The hardest part of letting go of fear is getting yourself to realize reality. I wish I knew why we as humans were capable of undergoing any such fear, but I guess that is life. When our desires mix with our actual possessions and life choices, things can get messy. But when reality comes riding by showing you things you wish were not so, it's not fun at all and it probably never will be.

But how do you prepare yourself to accept a "no" to what you wish was a "yes"? Or how do you prepare yourself for the answer you'd instead dread if it came to be true? I've of course not mastered this at all, but daily I might fight my mind over it. If I'm to let go of fear, I either need to face it first, or accept the thing I fear the most may very well happen.

I'll admit this: one day I'm afraid that someone will discover how amazing you actually are and steal you away. If that day comes, I am not sure how well I'll handle it. I imagine though that I am not the only one who sees this and you're definitely not a game to win. I'm not looking for competition, fighting for a prize that I may not achieve. But you're special enough to fight for, if I ever found the right amount of courage.

But they'll find you and I'll have to let you go. You'll be extremely picky as you've always been and I'll be behind you wondering who will ever be good enough for you. Yet I'm too afraid to selfishly tell you that I don't want to let anyone take you. I respect what we have, and yet I'm hiding so much from you because I'm just afraid of your response. Not that you'd be hurtful about it, but I know you'd be honest and I am not sure I'm what you will ever want.

Often times you make comments as if I could be, and I go off in daydreaming a day you change your mind about us. I didn't realize I lost a ton of hope until I found myself desperate for just a dose. It's what I now pray for, that God could simply give me hope. In this story and in my entire life. Maybe I've forgotten what hope feels like and with the lack of it, I feel awful. I pray now that He will fulfill me and grant me back that hope that will get me through this.

You are quite the treasure, and even if I cannot attain you, I will still try to value you and love you the way I know you deserve. If one day that means letting you go, I'll love you enough to do so. And one day I'll find the strength to tell you all of this.

Stuck in Climax.

There is always a format in which great books and great movies are written and created. They all contain a plot that has its climax and conclusion to seal the deal. We are drawn in with being able to connect to the characters, understand the issue, and long for a solution. Right before it reaches its happy ending, with all issues resolved, it hits a rough climax of the story. In this moment, it’s as if everything has gone wrong and all looks worse. But in due time, the pieces connect and all characters can breathe once again because they've instead learned a valuable lesson and received their reward for enduring.

I like to say this is the typical way of life. In fact, perhaps script writers for these type of movies only use this format because it not only lets the audience get the most out of a story with all questions hopefully answered, but because it also reflects how life can be. We all discover an issue or situation in our own lives and we all work to find a solution. In a sense, it’s inevitable because we’re all somehow looking for that “good life.”

As for me…I’m not sure I’ll ever get past the climax. It’s frustrating to think about, sad to admit, and incredibly stressful to deal with. In fact, I spend a lot of months pushing it aside. I've mastered the idea of standing back up and continuing forth. I can proudly say that I am a patient and persevering human being. But by proud, I do not mean I shout it to the world. I only mean that I've found myself doing this for years on end and each thing I’ve faced has yet to find its rightful solution.

But today I simply feel like crying. I feel like once again I just want to give up and I have no idea how. In fact, it seems so impossible to give up. But this want to give up is exactly what caused me to even write such an idea that even when I reach the point of giving up, nothing changes at all. I actually think about the lack of change now, as if I caught on to my own pattern that I subconsciously acted out beforehand. I’m that character in a movie who confesses they cannot do what they’re doing anymore because it hurts. Only in this movie that I call life, I don’t get that wonderful and rewarding solution.

To me, this sounds so negative. As if I don’t believe in myself or in God. But that is not true, I know it is not. I’ve spent plenty of years believing in myself and plenty of years believing in God. He is the reason why I’ve managed to endure with the patience I recognize I have. I've believed the impossible so much so that I had friends tell me, “You of all people are the most deserving I know with how much you fight and how long you’ve waited.” In shock I would look at them and think to myself, wondering if it really seemed that way.

It seems that in my life I have managed to pick the largest issues I've faced, and believe they would change. I would spent an excessive amount praying, waiting, and believing. Eventually I would lose the strength and either accept reality, or walk away. No, in fact, I was pushed enough to run away. I don’t know what a reward really is, or so it feels that way. Things come my way, I have this faith that maybe God sent forth certain people and then in the end, I feel like I've lost and they won. So I walk along and try to find happiness again.

To be honest, I don’t really know what to pray for anymore. I’ll pray for requests, like a friend in need or a family member who is sick. I’ll pray for my own self, to make it one more day or as usual, just get up and endure, even if nothing changes. I’m twenty-three years old and I still suffer the same things since I was seventeen. I think that’s long enough to safely say that I am most definitely tired and out of reasons to continue on.

It’s just that I spent a great deal of time praying for the situation I once was in. I made a friend, accidentally fell in love, learned he didn't want more, and then later discovered God wanted me to learn what love was. So I loved him while learning and sacrificed more than I ever have in my life. I prayed daily and nightly for years, going back and forth between my own pain and praying for his salvation. I begged God, bribed God, questioned God, and cried out many times to God. I still believed He would do something and that something would change. But in the end, I lost the ability to go on. My heart was hurting, my faith was confused, and I was blinded to reality.

I chose to turn it to God at last minute, to get up and go, to walk forth, and suffer even more when I could have chosen to simply give up. But I couldn’t. My faith was still strong, somehow…and I wanted to still believe. I just wanted to believe that God had something greater for me. During that time a huge change in heart occurred.  Not the friend’s heart, but mine. I gave up that battle and felt nothing anymore. The pain was gone, the suffering ended, and I believed I could do anything. I just didn’t know what to do yet.

I left that story at its climax. The friend I prayed daily for grew worse, became an atheist, and I looked back wondering what the point was. But sure, I did move on. But it’s so hard to believe that my faith could do anything. Because along with that huge story, I’ve had plenty of smaller stories. Stories where I feel like I am sent into people’s lives, but I never see that person actually become changed in any way because of me. Often, they even grow angry and our differences show, and I lose them instead. Even if they come back later apologizing, we are never the same.

I can never seem to see a change, or a solution…a conclusion. Everything gets left the way it was, if not worse, and I move along trying to simply find my own happiness for the sake of my sanity. But I’m tired and quite frankly, I am broken. I feel like begging God for one reward so I can just feel like my prayers mean something, that they make a difference.

And now here I am, in love all over again with someone else and this one is already saved. I’m not begging God to save him or change him, I’m not hurt by what he does to me, and I’m not worried over his life. He asks me for prayer when he’s in need and prays for me in return. He has his issues and he deals with them as best as he can. He doesn't bring me down, he doesn't offend me… He’s just that one friend in my life who makes me feel better when I’m around him and afraid when I’m away. I've become afraid that I will keep on falling for him and that one day I will just give up. And nothing will ever change on his part.

I believe this without trying because it is all I know. I am not sure how to know otherwise anymore. When I want to give up, there is no beautiful solution, a change in scenery, and a happy ending. It is this constant climax, where everything goes wrong when I feel like giving up and then that is it. It stays that way until I have to choose to get up, continue on, and believe anyway. Believe what? I’m not sure anymore. I can’t make him choose me, I can’t make anyone choose me. If I could though, it wouldn't be that satisfying. And although I know God chooses me, it’s really hard to feel a certain way when I lack to feel it on this earth.

I have no examples to go off of. And if I did have an example, it would have been the way my dad bragged about me. But the truth and reality of it all is that my dad is gone now. To add to all of this lack of reward, I lose my one and only dad. I find myself trying incredibly hard to now instead believe that I am at a proper climax in my life and that soon enough, I will find my reward. I can’t help but want to believe that. I think that I will feel silly, as if I’m one step away from it all… But that never has happened. I’ve been here before. I’ve felt this before. The only thing that happens next is another set of years waiting for things that never happen. I wish I could have better endings to my stories. But all people hear from me are helpless looking situations and no solutions. No rewards. No exciting news.

Maybe I embrace my ability to make it into a top Christian university because it’s that one thing I could proudly say, “Hey, I got accepted. Hey, I finished my first year. Hey, I’m going for BFA in production.” And no, I’m not graduated yet to say I actually completed it, and I don’t have a job in movie production, but I’m on my way in hopes that this one thing in my life will have its ending, solution, and reward to one day share this story. But yet I didn’t even spend years wanting this. In fact, it hit me overnight and took a few months to happen. I didn’t spend as much time praying for this the way I spent with other things.

I’m writing this to say that I want God to change my heart. I want Him to teach me why I feel this way. I’m writing in hopes that I will understand what’s going on because I want to believe. I want to keep going. I want to know what a reward feels like for enduring all these years that I have.

I want to feel special and important the way I am taught God feels about me. I want to experience what that really, truly means. I want to one day look into someone’s eyes and believe them when they say that they love me and value me. I only want that because it’s built into me to want that but I am one step away from giving up that dream. Because it’s that one dream that I cannot reach on my own.

To Back Away.

I know this may be silly, but I have found myself at a place where I cannot help but question why on earth I dragged myself through a tough situation for years. I am nearing my two-year mark of living without that situation, being freed and made new, yet I can't help but feel ashamed. I know I can stand unashamed in front of God, but this human part of me wishes I never had to say I suffered that way. This has caused me to fear loving completely because it always came with tears in the past. How silly is that?

I have now moved on, made new friends, made a new life, but then I had to go and meet an individual who would change my life. And I find myself wanting to love him, even as just a friend, but I can't help but associate that with my choice to love a broken person in the past and being hurt at the same time. I'm so very tired of this because I thought I overcame this. I did overcome this, but these feelings, desires, and human abilities--they remind me so very much of what I already went through. Can't these memories just dissipate? Can they just leave me alone for once?

I'm suddenly finding myself with the want to back away, to pretend this never happened, and to silently confess to him I cannot be his friend. He doesn't deserve to be placed as the friend I could only "wish to love." I want him happy, and I want him to find that happiness and I don't ever want to hold him back from that just because I selfishly wish I could make him happy. I don't want to make him feel like he has to be careful around me. He is too good for that and I wish I could just easily remove myself from his memory so that I never looked for him, never found him, and never cried over the walls I see around him.

God, I am so sorry I've found myself in this hole again. You've worked so hard at fixing me, molding me, and loving me. I've grown so much, I've made it through, and then I decided I would be a great friend to him. I decided I would love despite my fears, give as much as I can, and trust that You wouldn't let me fall. But here I am, realizing I don't think I can actually do this. I forget what You've said to me, and I don't understand Your ways, but surely You wouldn't want me to bring him down because of my lack of confidence and self-security?

I'm still his friend because I don't have the heart to break it, but I'm slowly getting to that one step  before walking away so that he could find what he's looking for because I am not sure I can watch. I'm weak, and I guess what I'm really saying is I need You right now to change my mind.

My Other Half.

One day I'm going to discover the other half of me. The half of me that would make me more weird, but in whole weirdness instead of half. One day I'm going to discover the half of me that understands the things I'm unable to understand on my own. One day I'm going to discover the half of me that sleeps on the left side of the bed when I want the right. One day I'm going to discover the other half of me that thinks logically when I'm stuck with emotions.

In that day I will see that God only knew what I was missing. He won't be perfect. He'll be imperfect. But he'll understand my need for adventure and he'll lead the way. He'll laugh without being rude in his humor and he'll believe in me. I guess this seems like I have the exact image of him, but the truth is...I don't. I just know what part of him will help me see him. He can favor fish over chicken or tea over soda, and we'll be opposite in that--but I won't mind. He can also be just like me and like all the same foods. The point is, I don't care what he'll favor more because I'll value his opinion nonetheless.

But his speech. I long to marry a man full of speech that lifts me up--dare I ever limit myself to the contrary. He'll talk with intelligence in ways I can't and I'll hold onto the things that I know better. We'll teach each other all the things we individually know and become so in sync that the world will be in the most healthy form of jealous. I could be dreaming, but this is what would win my heart over.

I'm going to discover the other half of me that represents God in the ways I just cannot. The masculine side of God I dare not possess and I'll be the feminine part of God that he cannot represent. Together we will be a more complete image of a glimpse of God. This other half of mine will be passionate for God, longing to spread his word in action. We will spread love in all the ways that we can and give the hopeless hope.

One day I'm going to discover the other half of me that will understand how it feels to want this.

Dear Self.

Dear Self,

I feel like I must remind you of a few things because I'm aware of how far you've come from who you once were, and I'd really like you to remain on that path to bettering yourself. First of all, I must remind you of how very human and normal you are when it comes to your concerns, fears, and feelings. Fear happens, crying happens, and desires happen. Because of the fact that you're normal, you should also know that this gives you no reason to ever look down on yourself or be afraid.

Now, I know you're doing better now, but I would desire you to stay that way. Break away as best as you can from the old habits that tend to die hard. Eliminate the rude jokes, don't expect that of others, and be a fun but positive light to the people around you. Get your mind to consciously be aware of these things so that you know to treat people the beautiful way you'd want to be treated. God has placed in your life the people you need at this current moment in your life to help you with those things and I know you're thankful for that.

I also would like to remind you that you're beautiful! You care for people, you like giving people time, and you aim to fix yourself when you know there might be issues you're dealing with. You've grown so much in a year and you shine more often. Believe in yourself and trust that people love being your friend when they say so. You're never "too much" to your true friends because they enjoy you just the way you are. Remain considerate, keep working at things you dislike about your old habits, and smile often.

Also, having feelings is normal. Being nervous around someone you admire is normal. It's human. We are just made that way. It doesn't mean you'll get in trouble, or that they'll dislike you. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you or that you are in the wrong. It doesn't mean anything bad at all! It happens! Someone is going to come along in your life and sure, you'll be nervous, and they'll be great, but someone will come and they'll love you just the way you are. Whether you're nervous or not, you're normal. You're human. You're made with a heart and soul!

Don't forget these things. You're not that past Stephanie anymore. You're not sad. You're not drowning. You're not suffering. You're alive and you're on a better path now. God has taught you so much about unconditional love and He is now mending your wounds and healing some scars that needed healing. He is now showing you how much you're worth and how you've always been worth this. He's showing you true friendship in people and a lot of care because He knows how much you need it. And He loves you so very much that He has not forgotten you or abandoned you!

He's got your back and He's giving you a second chance to now see the beauty in what could have been another tough situation. This is how much He loves you. God has given you who you need to help fix the problems you once had.

You've got this. He's got this.

Sincerely,
Yourself.

My Second Chance.

I'm not entirely sure why I teared up as I walked away, but I did. I'm starting to become more and more convinced that God is giving me a second chance to do everything better. I'm noticing so much progress in me in which I don't fear reactions the way I used to and I don't treat myself as less than I am. I can pretend to make a sad face and I won't be hurt over it by an inconsiderate reaction. I took the hit in the past but the further I become from that time, the more I become a better person.

I made mistakes. A lot of them. It was the first time I found myself in the situation that I was in. He was the first male friend and only male friend for years. I never really interacted with any other guys, simply because I just never really knew them. I let my emotions get the best of me and I cried one too many times. For the record, my heart really hurt a lot. I went through more than I would have imagined, like losing a home, losing friends, and feeling alone a lot. I had nothing really to show for myself for many years.

But here I am finding myself tearing up over something entirely new yet entirely familiar. This time I question if God really is giving me a second chance to take what I've learned and eliminate the past mistakes. What other reason would there be for me to be placed in such a similar place? I'm finding that old Stephanie who loves giving gifts and making music for people show up in a friendship I was slightly afraid of. But I'm praying over it this time so that I won't spend the time in fear. So that I can let my true self come out and not be afraid of it.

I'm not entirely sure why I teared up as I walked away, but I did because I was happy. In that moment I knew I couldn't do to him what I've done before. I couldn't drag him into a sob story or act like he's done something wrong. I just couldn't and I just can't. He's too good of a person with too soft of a heart for me to place him as that part of my life. All I want is to let him be my friend so I can be his in return without blocking him out of fear. Yet at the same time I just don't want what happened to me before happen with him. He deserves so much more than that.

So maybe this really is God giving me a second chance. To have a friend that will treat me right in the areas I was once treated wrongly but at the same time I will have a friend who will treat me well in the same areas I once was treated well before. Because I admit, I miss that a lot. I miss having a friend like him, to be real with, to laugh with, and share differences with. His friendship is such a different influence than anything my female friends could give. He has been such a godsend and I just don't want to drag my past self into this wonderful new friendship.

I guess I cried because I was afraid of my past self. I was afraid she would come back. I really don't deserve him as a friend. I don't deserve him in my life. And yet I merely wish I can become good enough. And why this friendship? Because it feels like my second chance to make things better. To not blame him. To not drag him into depression. To not fear him. To trust God.




























God's got this.

Letter 3-27-14

Dear Future Husband,

I'm writing to admit to you that dating is totally not my thing. I don't mean casual, friendship dates, but the dating the world has come to know. I got a slight glimpse of it (I've yet to finish the blog) and I could tell that God has a totally different path for me. Now, seeing as how I'm writing you, why on earth would I bring up dating? I guess I do wonder how I'll know you, but I can't help but revert back to the mindset I had at fifteen--when I imagined friendship to proposal.

Now, I haven't actually gone through with a real date because I'm much too picky. I guess I have this tendency to be drawn toward something I have to fight for. When it comes easily, it has no value to me. But I did open up again and a guy started talking to me. He was too nice. One of those guys who says everything right and agrees with everything. But for some reason, it felt wrong. It was boring to me, and slightly annoying. I began to run away from it all, recognizing this odd fear inside of me... At school I started looking around at male strangers, realizing how utterly uncomfortable I feel about certain profiles of guys.

They're foreign to me, that's all. I can easily manage conversation with guys, but yet the idea of any type of nearness beyond casual friendship with someone new frightens me. In fact, the nearness in general gets me feeling completely uncomfortable. Not because it's bad, but because I'm not warmed up to it at all. I've never been anything close to a guy besides friendship. And to top things off, I've not really managed real friendships with men at all. I'm barely starting to sort of make friends to help me feel okay about guys.

So to tie this to you, I began to wonder how you would win my heart over. It is because of my commitment to you I made 8 years ago that I've become this picky and I guess it's not entirely a bad thing. It sure saved me from a lot. But I'd like to assure you that I'm now able to really appreciate my decision for the friends-first mindset. I got to really see that I'm not missing out on much by not going on dates or meeting guys like that. I guess I don't even want to meet you that way.

Funny to say this but.... I hope we can be friends. :)

Love,
Stephanie Ann

Letter 3-14-14

Dearest Future Husband,

Well, it is nearly 2am and you've come to mind. I feel like my lack of writing you shows I have stopped wondering. Although that's partially true, I find myself now missing these letters. It helps me to write you, even if I don't know who you are. I just know you're going to eventually be one very important person in my life. I'll keep hoping you come as I'm doing awful staying content without you. It's definitely a constant struggle.

I cannot believe it has been nearly 8 years since I committed myself to you and started writing you. I can't help but imagine you as the type of person who would look at these letters with great appreciation and I will remain hopeful that they'll fill you with love. I hope they mean the world to you because writing you means a lot to me.

I think when we do marry we should consider our lives one big adventure. I think we should make adventures out of everything! I imagine grocery shopping as an adventure, as if it's vacation to us. And I'd want to take long walks and night walks with you. I would see you as a hero in my life and treat you that way. We would take trips as much as we can and photograph ourselves all over the world. I imagine you'll become my favorite subject to photograph, after all. It would be difficult for me to choose to marry someone who dislikes the camera. Because even if that's the case, you'll have to learn to love it. It's my passion, after all.

To continue, we would take adventures into the night and find the best place to see the stars and we would lay there for hours talking about everything that makes us happy and everything that makes us sad. I would always smile at you, even when the world around me falls apart. And if we ever got upset with each other, I would forgive you and we would grow closer. I desire to learn with you, not to mention learning about God even more. You'll be my favorite study buddy and we'll share both of our wisdom we developed over the years apart.

I'm probably going to pick on you just to see you smile or laugh. I imagine your laugh will become my favorite song. I'll look to you when you're around because I'll want to see your eyes shine and I'll want to see you simply smile and nod at me when we agree. Your hugs will become a moment of shelter for me and you'll comfort me as I hope that my response becomes a comfort for you--oh, how I love hugs. I'll buy you gifts of the things that remind me of you and I'll wear your favorite color. I'll cook your favorite food whenever you want and we'll dance until 2am in the kitchen to our favorite song.

I'll find out all of your faults and I'll love you nonetheless. I'll pay attention to you, even if you push me away. I'll run back to you when I have the urge to run away and you'll teach me how to be strong. I'll support you in all that you choose to do and I'll follow you when you take lead. I'll praise you in your accomplishments and mourn when you mourn. I'll love all of you, the good and the bad.

I know this because I'm determined to keep a promise.

I love you already and I look forward to the day you propose.


Your Future Wife,
Stephanie Ann

The Dating World.

I've never really entered the dating world. I can't say I've ever been truly asked on a date, which makes it easy to avoid that particular world. I've always had my reasons. I've been a friends-first type of girl for as long as I could understand relationships. I grew up believing, convincing myself, that I would find the right person through friendship. In my mind, that eliminated dating. Not necessarily friendship-dating, but the straight-forward, "Will you go out with me?" dating. I also convinced myself of how utterly horrible it would be to be like what we see on movies.

For years I managed this so very well. Friendship was completely normal and all I knew. But I suppose I also managed to build a room around me. I was picky, reserved, and shy. Not that anything is wrong with that, but it grew myself away from guys. I developed a comfort zone and stayed in it. It became my only focus on the subject. I lost the idea of actual friendship and associated dating with the bad mental image I gave myself. I'm not sure if this shaped my life the way it has became concerning guys, but I maintained the ability to become somewhat invisible.

I didn't notice them. They didn't notice me. I couldn't read them. They couldn't read me. I played this game to perfection until I became too curious. While looking for potential new friends, I made a mistake and hypocritically joined a dating site. I was entirely against it. I was actually angry that I felt I resulted to such a thing, as if I couldn't befriend anyone in person. Although that was the truth, it was only because I stayed away from any possibilities. It wasn't the world I wanted. Sure, I was dreaming of marriage, but in my mind I would find that through developing a best friend. Someday, I was certain.

My impatience though instead got the best of me. I joined the site, told every honest truth about myself on it, answered practically every question, and searched through profiles as if I was shopping online. I kept asking myself, "What am I looking for? And will I really find it here?" I was looking for a particular human being that I've never met before because I got my mind so very used to that idea. I couldn't be open because I was dead set on my imagination. A fictional character I daydreamed about for years that I was certain would eventually exist in real life. Now, nothing completely crazy or weird, it was just my guess on who I could desire to marry.

With that mindset, I was browsing profiles on a dating website I didn't even choose. I let a junk e-mail determine where I would be and I let the pressure push me to join. I began to think, if I could just know people, this would solve my invisible problem. If I could just put myself out there, I could make new guy friends and give someone a chance for once. But it didn't turn out that way. I quit the site after 10 days of a free trial and only held a conversation with about two guys, only talking outside of the website with one of them until the site cut me off.

It wasn't my scene. It wasn't what I was looking for. I questioned why I joined and regretted it later. It wasn't helping. I wanted to make a new friend in person, not online. Online wouldn't solve anything. My real issue was forgetting how to communicate with sincerity and letting any fear go so I can be myself. I was awful at it and I didn't find out until later. I forced myself to meet the one friend I made from that site. I had this unexplainable boldness and courage with one thought in my head: I have to meet him.

Long story short, I went through with it, and surprisingly, so did he. He was shy yet talkative and extremely respectful. He even went along with my idea of making it like a "hang-out" instead of anything more. He seemed like he could be a friend, and that was enough for me. But I wasn't ready to be his friend. I was afraid. The fear hit me so quickly that I was already drowning in tears before he could take the time to point out his desire for staying just as friends. I could have been honest with him that it was all I desired in the first place, but I was much too hurt to understand anything. I felt as if he forced me to recognize my feelings, my fear, and my lack of ability to understand.

Maybe he read me, I can't say I know. Maybe he just knew I forgot what friendship is. Maybe. But it brought me to a place in my life that showed me I needed to love myself, enjoy myself, and just plain become myself again. It changed my life either way, it inspired me, and it showed me that I am capable of taking a leap of faith and doing something I'm uncomfortable with. It brought me to a new place that I now call home and in return, it got me new friends who are now like family to me.

But although that sounds fine and dandy, with it's nice little happy ending and a story I've repeated millions of times since I've come here, there is so much more going on in my beating heart. It brings me back to my original intent on listening to my impatient self say, "Just join the site, find someone, communicate, and stop hiding." It brings me back to question what is it that I was really hoping for? 

I know it's unhealthy to watch romance movies during a time like this, but it opens a door I've shut. It's for the oddest healthiest reasons because I'm aware of why. I asked myself what I'm lacking and what I'm hoping for. Sure, I talk about friendships, but what will anything more do for me? What is it about relationships that gets me questioning myself so much? I'm getting older, yes. I'm many years into the stage of curiosity. I'm definitely not clueless, and contentment in singleness only lasts so long when you accidentally bottle things up and hide the truth from yourself. I'm content to an extent, but I'm still human and I still wonder.

What part of God do I fail to understand? The part of Him that loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me? What part of my life has given me a good example of that? I suppose my parents have. They did a very wonderful job telling me of my worth. It makes believing and feeling that from God so much easier. But the part where He loves me specifically for who I am and where I am... The part where He holds me close and never lets me go. The part where He whispers in my ear, "I love you." It's like the part of me having a hard time understand what that could possibly feel like. Not because I need someone to show me, but because I haven't had anyone show me that it is foreign. It is a concept I have to try really hard to imagine just to feel it from God. I do believe God will provide that satisfaction, but I've recognized why it's so hard. I've finally realized why it is one of the most complicated concepts to understand.

This ties into the dating world because I now catch myself thinking about feeling special to someone. I think about being on someone's priority list, and giving to them the same amount in return. I think about a day where I can have comfort hugs in a way I've never had before. I think about long conversations into the night about life, God, and all the small things. I think about sharing my talents and having someone believe in me. I think about supporting someone for their passions and making them feel so extremely important. But beyond that, I think about how they would actually find me good enough.

With this honesty comes so many responses though. And they're all the same, for the most part. They will say, "You don't need anyone," and I will respond, "That's not what I said, nor meant." They look past the lack, the pain, and the point. I am expressing a wound, something we've all gained one way or another in our past--and in more than one area. I am expressing honesty to help me come to accept this part of me, not deny it. I am not running from the issue, I am facing it. An ideal response in this moment would be, "I totally understand you and you are completely normal. God designed this in you and He does long to satisfy the emptiness."

This is me finally trying to not hide anymore. To get out of my shell, and open my eyes. I have to let go of the image I put in my head (the image I named Matthew, to be exact.) I have to stop running from people and pretending. I want to be real. I want to be enjoyable. I want to offer myself as a friend in the least. I want to notice someone notice me. I want to be captivating.

I want to be lovely.

love·ly

  [luhv-lee]

adjective, love·li·er, love·li·est.

1.

charmingly or exquisitely beautiful: a lovely flower.

2.

having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye, as a person or a face.

3.

delightful; highly pleasing: to have a lovely time.

4.

of a great moral or spiritual beauty: a lovely character.