Impatience is trying its best to tear me down. My mind goes in daydream mode where it practically forces my heart to help it visualize my biggest dreams. It begins to question myself, "What is taking you so long?" I'm starting to wonder if I should be stepping out and doing something about this, or if this is normal enough to ignore. But then again, if it is I who should make a choice, I've apparently chosen to do nothing. But it's not like I have much of a choice. I'm torn between the idea of what I want, and the possibility of something else. One choice causes the fear that I'd be settling for less out of impatience, and the other choice is really risky. Yet without those choices I'm at square one, which is an awful square.
My goal is to truly let all of this go so that I could keep my focus on God. To me, it seems like the best option in any situation. I'd like to find peace, happiness, and contentment as often as I can. God is capable. I also want to be able to find myself again; to find boldness, vulnerability, and courage again. I want to be rid of all the lies that have tried to find their way into my heart way too many times in the past. I want to replace them with truth and understand that I am a very much loved human being made by a God who knows what He's doing.
Who I am internally is the most important part of me. Sure, I may sometimes fix up my hair and wear a favorite outfit, trying to take care of my outer appearance at the same time, but I become nothing unless my heart is true and kind. How I treat both women and men is how I treat God. I want to give them reason to either like me, or respect me as I pay attention in how I treat my neighbors as well as my enemies. If I can avoid having enemies, I will even accomplish greater things.
So what if I was "rejected" in simple ways in the past? I can't wear that on my sleeve, beg for sympathy, and expect it to bring me somewhere. It won't. God has used everything I've ever been through for something good, and for that I have been thankful. I have a purpose, a mission, and a vision I must follow. I vow to love all. I'm going to press forward. Even when I feel impatient, I will be patient.
My time for the dreams that seem unreachable will come. But it'd be a waste of time to not enjoy who I am already. :)
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
To Be Beautiful.
Tonight during chapel I had quite an intimate moment. I began to dig deep inside my heart as I tried to pray my way through. I questioned some things inside of me, and felt this nearness with God. But not a nearness one would think. It was rather a nearness as if He was calling me and I was recognizing how much I needed Him in that moment. As I stood there while the music played, I felt tears being held back and a fragility inside of me. I needed my Counselor again. I needed my Father. I needed my Husband. And as I prayed I began to feel as though I was entering a time and place with God to be just who I am and to let Him love me.
While walking out of the building, I sung to myself. I normally sing to see what words will flow out and I use that time to, in a sense, speak to God about how I feel. That is when I began to really see what has been affecting me again, only this time I addressed it in a much different way. I asked myself questions as to why I long for the things I long, and what part of me has a hard time lacking those things. Once I acknowledged the answer, I began to see what I really long for from God.
There is a part of me that has forgotten what it feels like to be beautiful. Not only have I lacked feeling physically beautiful for quite a long time now, but I've also forgotten perhaps how it feels to be even internally beautiful. My outer appearance makes it incredibly difficult to feel that way about myself. I can't recall feeling lovely, captivating, or visible in the past few months (or maybe a year). I must have ignored this fact, or pushed it aside, but to suddenly admit it to my very own heart led me to this nearness with my Maker.
In order to even ask for anything from God we must first lack it. And in order to understand we lack it, we must acknowledge the lack. It wasn't that God wasn't making me feel beautiful beforehand, it was that I wasn't asking. I wasn't seeking a solution. I wasn't paying attention to such an obvious lack and I was slowly but surely sinking into this belief that I'm invisible and flawed. I'm just a girl struggling to accept myself and looking for absolutely nothing as to not be dissatisfied. I have perhaps grown to live with this habit of not necessarily self-hate, but more on the lines of ignoring my own self.
To reflect this change in me, I have stopped taking self portraits as I used to and I have a hard time watching myself in videos. I have dreams of holding someone's hand and laughing, and I wake to reality that I'm not even allowed to dream of those things. It's not that I need acceptance from human beings, but inevitably I long for more companionship, more affirmations. And yet I have this sudden dire need to hide from the world so that no one can see me. Because if no one can see me, no one will know what I deal with. And if no one knows what I deal with, no one can make me feel worse about it.
Alongside of this inner and almost invisible battle, I have stopped myself from taking risks. I'm not bold, I'm not courageous, and I'm not vulnerable. I'm simply stable, hiding behind whatever mask I could find. Has something caused me to believe this of myself? Has something affected me in this negative way? Is this just another moment in my life where I will acknowledge a problem God simply wants to address and fix? What reason have I given myself to be so incredibly silent over this?
I began to imagine myself running into the arms of God, letting Him hold me and call me special. I began to imagine His view of me. There were no flaws on my face and all He saw was beauty. But in my heart, at the very same time, I wanted to beg God to let my own self see me that way. It's tiring me out to hold myself back from comparing myself to the people around me who have beautiful skin, or wonderful smiles. It's tiring me out to see couples who cherish each other while I'm here convincing myself that I am happy in my singleness. And although I have found contentment in it, I'm always pushing aside daydreams.
I've fought this battle too long. Maybe God is showing me He wants to give me rest. To finally just stop. And listen. And believe.
While walking out of the building, I sung to myself. I normally sing to see what words will flow out and I use that time to, in a sense, speak to God about how I feel. That is when I began to really see what has been affecting me again, only this time I addressed it in a much different way. I asked myself questions as to why I long for the things I long, and what part of me has a hard time lacking those things. Once I acknowledged the answer, I began to see what I really long for from God.
There is a part of me that has forgotten what it feels like to be beautiful. Not only have I lacked feeling physically beautiful for quite a long time now, but I've also forgotten perhaps how it feels to be even internally beautiful. My outer appearance makes it incredibly difficult to feel that way about myself. I can't recall feeling lovely, captivating, or visible in the past few months (or maybe a year). I must have ignored this fact, or pushed it aside, but to suddenly admit it to my very own heart led me to this nearness with my Maker.
In order to even ask for anything from God we must first lack it. And in order to understand we lack it, we must acknowledge the lack. It wasn't that God wasn't making me feel beautiful beforehand, it was that I wasn't asking. I wasn't seeking a solution. I wasn't paying attention to such an obvious lack and I was slowly but surely sinking into this belief that I'm invisible and flawed. I'm just a girl struggling to accept myself and looking for absolutely nothing as to not be dissatisfied. I have perhaps grown to live with this habit of not necessarily self-hate, but more on the lines of ignoring my own self.
To reflect this change in me, I have stopped taking self portraits as I used to and I have a hard time watching myself in videos. I have dreams of holding someone's hand and laughing, and I wake to reality that I'm not even allowed to dream of those things. It's not that I need acceptance from human beings, but inevitably I long for more companionship, more affirmations. And yet I have this sudden dire need to hide from the world so that no one can see me. Because if no one can see me, no one will know what I deal with. And if no one knows what I deal with, no one can make me feel worse about it.
Alongside of this inner and almost invisible battle, I have stopped myself from taking risks. I'm not bold, I'm not courageous, and I'm not vulnerable. I'm simply stable, hiding behind whatever mask I could find. Has something caused me to believe this of myself? Has something affected me in this negative way? Is this just another moment in my life where I will acknowledge a problem God simply wants to address and fix? What reason have I given myself to be so incredibly silent over this?
I began to imagine myself running into the arms of God, letting Him hold me and call me special. I began to imagine His view of me. There were no flaws on my face and all He saw was beauty. But in my heart, at the very same time, I wanted to beg God to let my own self see me that way. It's tiring me out to hold myself back from comparing myself to the people around me who have beautiful skin, or wonderful smiles. It's tiring me out to see couples who cherish each other while I'm here convincing myself that I am happy in my singleness. And although I have found contentment in it, I'm always pushing aside daydreams.
I've fought this battle too long. Maybe God is showing me He wants to give me rest. To finally just stop. And listen. And believe.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Valentine's Day Bitterness.
With Valentine's Day coming up, the one thing I dread most is the bitter comments from the single individuals. Not because I have any intention to look down on them, but I wish they would eliminate such negative thoughts toward a holiday. Some people look forward to the day and find it fun. But then there is that occasional, "This holiday makes me depressed. It's a commercial holiday." Whatever their complaint, it is my pet-peeve to hear it.
Now, I am not bitter in return for their negative behaviour. This is not even against anyone in particular. I merely dread the comments because I have this dire need to change their perspective and I am fully aware that I cannot. So it being out of my control means that I must just suffer hearing it and holding back from screaming, "WHERE IS YOUR LOVE!?"
You may be wondering what my opinion on the holiday is. I can most definitely testify that it can be enjoyed and I have been single my entire life. All 23 years of being alive, I've been picky enough to make it this far. Not because I desired singleness, but because I spent a nice amount of years distracted and emotionally abused. I'm finally starting to live and I'm finally starting to really like myself. I think it's necessary that I reached this point. But being single has its benefits. I can't say I've completely parted from my inner most desire of someday being married, but I definitely stopped crying over "not feeling special to someone." I've learned my worth is only found in Christ--and that's definitely more than I could have asked for.
I find Valentine's Day a nice little holiday where we can remember the importance of love. Not romantic love, but godly love. The love that DOES. Sure, romance is blasted all over advertisements and store products, but that doesn't mean it defines love. Love is still love, no matter how advertisements portray it, or how movies portray it. Love is still love and God is still the same. The love He desires us to give is still possible.
I like to see Valentine's Day cards, balloons, and chocolates along with couples giving gifts to each other around this time as something nice. I think to myself, "Someday I'll give the greatest gift to someone and make them feel special every day of the year, with the exception of more heart decorations on Valentine's Day." Because for now, I just have myself and if that is the case, I should find reason to enjoy it nonetheless. I'm still able to love my friends, my family, and the people that cross my path. There is nothing that says, "If you're single, hate everyone on Valentine's Day because you have no one to give balloons to." Why on earth would anyone want bitterness to eat at their heart and ruin their day? As easy as it is to become aware of your singleness on a day commercialized as "romantic love," don't give in. You'll only be hurting yourself.
The point of having a relationship is not to get something, but rather to give something. To take on the job of helping someone out and being by their side a little bit extra compared to just a friend. It's the opportunity to serve and love unconditionally. And as my psychology professor said, "Friendship is the best foundation for marriage. Not romance. Friendship." I fear that too many teens and young adults (and probably our elders beyond that) focus too much on the "romance." Feelings come and go, butterflies can die, and physical appearance can easily change. But the point isn't in finding someone to "complete you." I believe the point of a relationship is finding a true friend who you can eventually trust your entire life with. Someone you can uplift and grow with.
I could go on for ages about this topic, but I'd like to conclude to say that Valentine's Day and the month of February is just another day and month in the year to continue doing what you ought to be doing throughout the year anyway. To love nonetheless, give nonetheless, and encourage nonetheless. Be rid of any bitterness if you find yourself that way this coming Friday. Be happy for other people and encourage them. If you're single, surround yourself with friends and learn to love yourself just the way you are. :)
Now, I am not bitter in return for their negative behaviour. This is not even against anyone in particular. I merely dread the comments because I have this dire need to change their perspective and I am fully aware that I cannot. So it being out of my control means that I must just suffer hearing it and holding back from screaming, "WHERE IS YOUR LOVE!?"
You may be wondering what my opinion on the holiday is. I can most definitely testify that it can be enjoyed and I have been single my entire life. All 23 years of being alive, I've been picky enough to make it this far. Not because I desired singleness, but because I spent a nice amount of years distracted and emotionally abused. I'm finally starting to live and I'm finally starting to really like myself. I think it's necessary that I reached this point. But being single has its benefits. I can't say I've completely parted from my inner most desire of someday being married, but I definitely stopped crying over "not feeling special to someone." I've learned my worth is only found in Christ--and that's definitely more than I could have asked for.
I find Valentine's Day a nice little holiday where we can remember the importance of love. Not romantic love, but godly love. The love that DOES. Sure, romance is blasted all over advertisements and store products, but that doesn't mean it defines love. Love is still love, no matter how advertisements portray it, or how movies portray it. Love is still love and God is still the same. The love He desires us to give is still possible.
I like to see Valentine's Day cards, balloons, and chocolates along with couples giving gifts to each other around this time as something nice. I think to myself, "Someday I'll give the greatest gift to someone and make them feel special every day of the year, with the exception of more heart decorations on Valentine's Day." Because for now, I just have myself and if that is the case, I should find reason to enjoy it nonetheless. I'm still able to love my friends, my family, and the people that cross my path. There is nothing that says, "If you're single, hate everyone on Valentine's Day because you have no one to give balloons to." Why on earth would anyone want bitterness to eat at their heart and ruin their day? As easy as it is to become aware of your singleness on a day commercialized as "romantic love," don't give in. You'll only be hurting yourself.
The point of having a relationship is not to get something, but rather to give something. To take on the job of helping someone out and being by their side a little bit extra compared to just a friend. It's the opportunity to serve and love unconditionally. And as my psychology professor said, "Friendship is the best foundation for marriage. Not romance. Friendship." I fear that too many teens and young adults (and probably our elders beyond that) focus too much on the "romance." Feelings come and go, butterflies can die, and physical appearance can easily change. But the point isn't in finding someone to "complete you." I believe the point of a relationship is finding a true friend who you can eventually trust your entire life with. Someone you can uplift and grow with.
I could go on for ages about this topic, but I'd like to conclude to say that Valentine's Day and the month of February is just another day and month in the year to continue doing what you ought to be doing throughout the year anyway. To love nonetheless, give nonetheless, and encourage nonetheless. Be rid of any bitterness if you find yourself that way this coming Friday. Be happy for other people and encourage them. If you're single, surround yourself with friends and learn to love yourself just the way you are. :)
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