A Letter.

A letter to my future husband.

Dear You,

I'm learning a lot about love, patience, and contentment. I've learned enough to safely say that I am not looking for you. I don't mean that in a hopeless way, but rather a hopeful way. I trust that God will guide me in the direction of His choosing and that you'll be on that path too. I'm closing my eyes this time so I can sincerely walk by faith. If I spent my life looking for you, I'd miss out on what God has for me while we're apart.

I'm on my way to finding my place. I want to metaphorically run through a massive field of yellow flowers. I want to be surrounded by great things and great opportunities. There is so much more in life than we can imagine. The only way we'll find it all is by riding the waves. Take each day like an adventure and be the journey. I know it'll get scary along the way and it'll shake me up. But we have a God bigger than our own dreams and He will never leave us.

You see, I know that someday I will love you in front of me and stand by your side for an adventure together. But until that day comes, there is so much I can do. Right now I pray that you too will be on an adventure and that you won't look for me. I pray that you're living to be the best that you can be and that you're relying on God. I can only hope this is the life you're living though.

Our journey will begin soon. But it can't happen unless we both go on the adventure it takes to make it to each other. God's got this. He has a plan and He's writing our stories, perfectly and flawless. I know you and I will make mistakes, but forgiveness is still alive. I'm sorry it took me a while to reach this point, but I have nonetheless. My first love will always be the most important person to me. My first love is Jesus Christ.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann

To Love Love.

I've been to a fair share of weddings thanks to my photography business. I've experienced about twenty-two Valentine's Days and photographed quite a few engaged couples. Never have I allowed myself to become bitter toward others who are living a life that was only ever a dream for me. Instead I think it is an amazing thing. There are certain stories that show genuine love, and those are the stories I like to look at and think YES. That is how it should be.

Love to me is the act of giving. It's sacrificing and becoming selfless. It really has nothing to do with affection or feelings. I think too often the world mixes those up, leaving people feeling hopeless or sad and alone. But that is so wrong! Love is free for all of us! If not by humans, by God. We all have access to such love and only receive it by choice. Love is a very beautiful thing. In fact, it's why I enjoy Valentine's Day. I see it as a day that I can overly express what I believe love really is. And, well, the decorations match my room, so that's always a plus! Ha!

Our satisfaction should not be found in a man or woman. People change every day. Our moods change. Our lifestyles change. Our schedules change. We are up and down, like a massive roller-coaster. We are fully capable of making mistakes and hurting each other. Not that we purposely try to, but that it inevitably happens. Knowing that means that no matter how great a person is, they will at some point commit an action that can tear you down. To properly love them is to forgive nonetheless, to expect nothing in return, and to always offer your hand for help. But when you need your joy, happiness, and contentment, it cannot be found in the ever-changing humanity. It must be found in something unchanging and eternal.

Only God can fulfill the emptiness in your heart. Only God can love you in an undying manner. And He is fully capable of doing so! His love is everlasting! When you can be fully satisfied with Him, you have all you need. And when you have all you need, your love for another human being can be pure. You put no responsibilities on them, no burdens, and no expectations. You view them as a person that is an opportunity for you to be your best and show God's love to. We are all in the same boat called Earth, and we all have the same responsibilities.

To love Love is to find it important to have. The most dangerous path to take is to search for something you think you need, or to believe you'll be fulfilled if you just have that "one thing." Maybe that's a certain job, or a relationship to you. Either way, it is one big mistake. Relationships such as marriage have a giant purpose that not everyone understands. It's more than physical needs, it's to glorify God and show His image. If your relationship isn't doing any of the such, then it is a selfish need and does not have a guaranteed success in lasting. Be fulfilled by the unchanging and loving God, so that you can properly love someone on earth as a helper and a partner. Always point them to God for answers.

Here I Am, Send Me.

Do you ever feel like something is about to come your way, but you have no idea what direction it'll come from, what it'll be, and when? That's where I'm at right now. The closer I grow to God, the stronger this desire gets. I tend to daydream a lot, therefore I daydream the desires inside of me. I imagine myself being a part of a group, serving God. Being around other Christians who genuinely want to seek more of God and serve Him. I have come to the point where I feel like I'm standing here saying to God, "Here I am, send me!"

I've overcome so much in exactly one month. The desires I had beforehand have somewhat "muted," in which I don't hear that as loudly as I hear these stronger desires. I want to serve God with others. I want to be a part of something. I want to belong somewhere. But the interesting part of that is I do not feel it is here, in my hometown. I feel like God is calling me to somewhere, but I just don't know where yet. For the first time ever, I've felt so drawn to the idea of going on a missions trip. Every time I hear someone else mention it, or have gone before, I think to myself, 'That would be amazing.' They always come back so moved by God, so amazed. I want that to be me!

I know God could do anything at this point. Perhaps He's purposely prepared me for this. I want God to be on my mind nonstop because He is unchanging, and gracious. I don't want to ask for a relationship, for my future husband. I want that to be left in God's hands and I want to serve Him in the waiting. I have no reason to worry about that part of my life. I have no reason to desire that unless it'll bring glory to God. Yes, I do hope someday I can serve Him with a best friend, a man of God, but until that day comes, I want to get lost in God. It helps me stay content and takes away the worry.

During prayer I heard the words, ,"Wait. Wait on Me, child, and I will send you what I have for you. Wait." As I sat down, thinking it over and writing it down, I felt relieved. There is nothing I can or cannot do right now that will change the timing on God's promises and calling in my life. Therefore I have all the reason to just wait. He wants me to wait. This is a form of blind faith! Not knowing what's coming, but waiting for it as if I do know. It could be one day away, but I must wait. I mean, I heard the word "wait" three times, after all! You know God has seriously planned something when He asks you to wait!

My heart is valuable to Him. I know He has a place for me. I know He has plans for me. He already made those promises and He keeps them. I'm not going to guess. I'm going to wait. I'm going to worship and praise God during this time. And when He opens that door and says, "Stephanie, I want you to go here. This is what I have for you." I'm going to scream, "YES!" and I will go. The opportunity He may have for me could blow me away. It could be subtle. It could be unbelievable. It could be anything, really. And it could be anywhere. Either way, I am here, and I will go where He sends me.

How God Changes Our Plans.

Do you ever wonder if you're doing what you're meant to do, or if there is so much more out there for you? I'm a part of the second option. If I dig deep and really think about it, I'm fully aware that I'm not where I long to be. But this year, I found that okay. Because today is all I have, and today I'm moving forward. Leaning forward, you could say. God has shut doors and opened doors for me. It's quite amazing to see the transformation in my life that He has done. And not only that, but the transition from one situation to the next has been quite interesting.

We can't boss God around and think up the "perfect plan" for our lives. We can only guess and hope for what will happen. But with God, we develop blind faith. It means that we cannot see what is ahead, and often times we have absolutely no idea what is coming, but we put our total trust in God that there is a reward if we do not lose our confidence and press forward. Perhaps that means we don't need to make any sort of guesses of what it could be. God calls us to do mighty great things to bring glory to Him, the King of kings.

How has He changed the plans in my life? Well, at one point I had no idea what my future held. But I dreamed anyway. I thought maybe I could work for a magazine, as a photographer, and have my work known all around the world. This lasted many years, but no progress in that direction ever really came to be. My photography was becoming known, but not at a miraculous rate. I was blessed with neat opportunities, but my walk with God slowed down. Eventually I hit rock bottom last year, and lost any sort of vision or motivation. I became comfortable and unmoved. Not a good thing.

But I never had excuses. I knew I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, and I was tired of feeling stuck. The moment I felt freedom, this drive inside of me began begging me to get up and go. To go out into the world. I was hyped up and fearless! Or so I felt. My first thought was maybe I'd completely move across country and start up a new life somewhere else. Those plans didn't last long. I then became curious of the world on another island. So I dreamed an old familiar dream to go see another country. That one sounded quite promising! With faith I got a passport, not even knowing where God would take me. That held me over for a few months. I eventually chose England and made it half a year with hope that I had purpose. That God was taking me somewhere, to a new land, to show me great things.

God has yet to reveal to me the purpose behind that moment. He has yet to take me to a new land. But in the process of waiting, I held on to fears, unknowingly. In attempts to get up and go somewhere, to try something new, without fear, I took a trip down south of California and lived a little dream. It really did change my life. It opened my eyes to see what I've done to myself, and what I really have in my heart. I was longing to get out, be somewhere new, and live a dream. Reality was that I wasn't doing that at all by sitting here in my hometown, dissatisfied.

The night I looked for jobs near Los Angeles, where I had planned to consider moving to sometime after the said England trip, I was at my last straw. That was it. I knew I needed to make a difference. Where does God want me? What does He have for me? I was in desperate need to figure it out. So I cried out to God that night, searching jobs and housing frantically. I prayed in complete brokenness, "God, where is it? What do you have for me? Help me find it." Searching online, I was reminded of a specific school that was introduced to me through a new friend. Me? School? The fact that it never happened for me caused me to get used to it and justify why I wasn't attending any sort of college. I still believe I don't need it, but that God could definitely use it to my benefit. To His glory, perhaps.

So my search somehow came to a complete stop. As if I was perfectly guided to the right place, a pouring of hope happened in my heart at that moment. My faith could take me anywhere, it seemed. I questioned, "God, is this something I could do? Would you take me here?" And yet the only response I could hear is "Why wouldn't God do this? Why can't He?" Speaking to an old pastor of mine, I gained even more faith and hope, as if God Himself was giving me the confidence I need that He could take me there. I could use my faith to reach out using my passion and talents.

College? Really? After all these years, and You're taking me to college? Well, it doesn't hurt to take the first step and just walk with blind faith. So I applied. Yes, I hit my first bump in the road. God got me through that too. He's been opening my mind to learn, to change, to adapt, to grow, to be someone. In the process, I fell utterly in love with Him all over again. He healed my wounded heart, gave me hope when I lost it, and granted me more patience. The dreams I have are reachable. God is sending me somewhere.

God changes our plans into His own when we seek Him. We never know what He's doing until He does it. He uses our passions and talents to take us to those places, and our desires to lead us there. We may take the first step that appears to take us one way, but find out it was taking us a totally new way! And that is what is amazing. That in order to follow God, you have to have faith. You have to be willing to walk without even knowing where you're going, yet trust Him. In the end, it'll serve as a great story in history.

I don't know about you, but I want to make and be a difference in this perverse world.