I suppose if I had to dive deep into how I remained single for twenty-two years and some odd months (my whole life, if you haven't guessed) then I would start off with saying that I'm really, really picky. Maybe I've built walls as well, but I didn't imagine making it to twenty-two years of age without a particular person coming along. I suppose my dream of how it would happen sort of never happened in any form whatsoever. But I spent these years waiting on God, from when I became old enough to make the decision at fifteen, to today.
I've been through many stages of feelings. Patience, impatience, patience, impatience, they happen back and forth. But now I've reached a point of contentment with my singleness. Yet it hasn't eased my mind fully. If I allow myself to ponder, I imagine the idea of having a special bond with another human being that is real. Something more than a dream, but rather someone who can surprise me with kind acts.
I begin to wonder if there is someone out there who belongs to me. I realize it's not entirely my fault that I've come to this point, that I've wondered these things. I want a forever sort of bond. The real deal, as I like to call it. I really don't want to spend time in a temporary relationship just to satisfy my flesh. What I hope for is someone to grow in God with. Someone to uplift me as I do the same in return. And even though I'm not looking, I'm not closing my eyes either.
Today I've accepted that I'm in a place in my life that doesn't contain anybody because it's not exactly time yet. But that I'm making the steps it will take to get to that point. Finally being content without being attached to anyone right now is something I previously found impossible to feel no matter how hard I tried. But now that I'm here, I don't want to expect or look around.
Maybe God will just let our paths cross naturally. I truly desire to find that special friend. Someone to communicate with that would understand me and be at the same level as me, especially when it came to my faith. Maybe I hold the exact quality he is looking for by my choosing not to easily enter into a relationship before. I've not actually found anyone that tempted me to be in one. In fact, I've only found shut doors. It has been easy to remain this way. But I'm nearing the age that it begins to make me feel a bit alone.
Now may not be the time, but I do hope someday it will be. I hope I can remain this content and okay for as long as it takes until he comes along.
