The Dark Season.

I've been in a dark season lately. It is an odd feeling and sometimes too much to bear. I turn to God every moment I feel worse and whisper prayers daily just to get through. I want to know that someday I can look back on this dark season though and be so thankful I made it through. I know that time is the only thing to fight now, but along with time I can feel the side effects of fear, anxiety, sadness, confusion, and dissatisfaction.

This past month I have fed myself as spiritually as I could. I have connected with people from my church, I have shared concerns with loved ones, and I have found uplifting songs to help me remember that God is with me and that all will be alright. I have read books as well, specifically one to remind me that no matter what life brings us, God is able. This idea that God is able has helped me believe that what I'm going through can serve a beautiful purpose. I refuse to step away from God and live life without His comfort.

This dark season is a time that I had to let go of a best friend. I had to let go of all the things I cherished and all the treasures I gave away to someone whom I had no idea would walk away so quickly. Our story was my favorite one because of how often our paths crossed. And now I'm at this point where all I can do is look up to God just to ask, "Why did this happen to me?" And yet I know that God can turn this all around and make a way where there seems to be no way. I know God can transform my heart as well as the heart of others involved. I know this because God is ABLE.

Please, future Stephanie. Please keep walking forward. Please look back on this someday, look back on this blog, and see that you are capable because of God's ability and power. Please don't give up and wait for the storm to pass so that the rainbow can shine bright and the birds can sing songs of praise to the King who has every intention to get you through.

When you walk on, walk on with hope. God will make a way.

God will make a way.

He is able.

Those God Moments.

Today was a regular day. I got up in the morning, I found out I didn't have to work as early as I thought, I fell back asleep, I laid around until it was time to get up, get ready, and get out of the apartment. I arrived at the high school that hosted a day camp for kids through my church and I photographed the little moments all around me. I walked quietly to my car to take a break and I sat there in silence. Life continues forward.

I finished up the day and took a quick stop by the church office to sit down with a supervisor for the internship I have. We filled out some paperwork I needed, I said my thanks, and walked out. I sat back in my car and endured the rush hour traffic of what should have been a 15 minute drive but was instead doubled as I slowly made my way East on the 210 freeway. Good afternoon, Southern California. What's for dinner?

I returned to my room where my roommate was laying on her bed, occupied by her tablet. We chatted for a bit, snacking on our M&M's. This was a normal day. A very, very normal day. When she left to see her fiance, I sat back in the room and was alone. I was hungry, so I got up and heated up a hot pocket. Returning, I decided to turn on my laptop and pick out a movie. I resulted to a movie about a girl who meets a celebrity boy and although very opposite, they learn so much from each other. In the end, they're completely different people, conquering life to the best of their abilities.

My very regular and normal day then turned into one of those moments. I call them "almost God moments" because they are the moments that happen right before God happens. It is the moment where I allow the sudden silence to surround me and out come whispers of who I am, where I am, and what I dream to be. After these whispers occur, I look at everything around me and out the window at the trees, the cars, and anything moving. I then listen to the little noises and think, "This is life and something grand can happen now if I only believe it and ask for it."

That's what enters me into the God moment. I can only look up to the Creator to wonder about His greatness. He can go beyond my imagination to bring forth something far greater than I can dream up. I know I must come to Him with faith as big as it can get so that my answer can be just as big, if not beyond what I ask.

I decide to stand inside my closet area that is blocked off by curtains. This I call my prayer room, prayer space, or prayer closet. This is where the spiritual war takes place. My prayers begin and next thing I know I am lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling in nearly darkness, praying to the God who never fails me. My words turn into fighting words as I pray for loved ones. I then pinpoint a specific person currently in my heart and the words keep flowing.

It is in those God moments that everything around me can feel different. It is during those God moments that my faith increases, my strength increases, and my love increases. I begin to pray for a heart that isn't mine, a life that I have no control over, and a pain I cannot fix. I pray for God to reach deep into their soul and turn their sorrows into laughter, their weakness into strength, their failures into victories! And I cannot get myself to stop. Tears flow down as I pray God disrupts their path and fills them with an overwhelming sense of love, of peace, of joy. I pray He breaks them down so much so that they cannot help but wonder, question, and seek the answer to what is happening in their heart.

God has taught me through the people who have come into my life that I am capable of loving. He has taught me that my imagination for the perfect person is not as grand as His own creations of people who are real, who are broken, who are capable of being vulnerable and worthy. God has taught me that there is power in prayer, there is strength when I seek it and that there is nothing more mighty than Him. God has showed me moments of brokenness that lead to moments of joy and how very, very possible miracles are.

Today was a regular day until God showed up and reminded me...He is able.