Letter 3-27-14

Dear Future Husband,

I'm writing to admit to you that dating is totally not my thing. I don't mean casual, friendship dates, but the dating the world has come to know. I got a slight glimpse of it (I've yet to finish the blog) and I could tell that God has a totally different path for me. Now, seeing as how I'm writing you, why on earth would I bring up dating? I guess I do wonder how I'll know you, but I can't help but revert back to the mindset I had at fifteen--when I imagined friendship to proposal.

Now, I haven't actually gone through with a real date because I'm much too picky. I guess I have this tendency to be drawn toward something I have to fight for. When it comes easily, it has no value to me. But I did open up again and a guy started talking to me. He was too nice. One of those guys who says everything right and agrees with everything. But for some reason, it felt wrong. It was boring to me, and slightly annoying. I began to run away from it all, recognizing this odd fear inside of me... At school I started looking around at male strangers, realizing how utterly uncomfortable I feel about certain profiles of guys.

They're foreign to me, that's all. I can easily manage conversation with guys, but yet the idea of any type of nearness beyond casual friendship with someone new frightens me. In fact, the nearness in general gets me feeling completely uncomfortable. Not because it's bad, but because I'm not warmed up to it at all. I've never been anything close to a guy besides friendship. And to top things off, I've not really managed real friendships with men at all. I'm barely starting to sort of make friends to help me feel okay about guys.

So to tie this to you, I began to wonder how you would win my heart over. It is because of my commitment to you I made 8 years ago that I've become this picky and I guess it's not entirely a bad thing. It sure saved me from a lot. But I'd like to assure you that I'm now able to really appreciate my decision for the friends-first mindset. I got to really see that I'm not missing out on much by not going on dates or meeting guys like that. I guess I don't even want to meet you that way.

Funny to say this but.... I hope we can be friends. :)

Love,
Stephanie Ann

Letter 3-14-14

Dearest Future Husband,

Well, it is nearly 2am and you've come to mind. I feel like my lack of writing you shows I have stopped wondering. Although that's partially true, I find myself now missing these letters. It helps me to write you, even if I don't know who you are. I just know you're going to eventually be one very important person in my life. I'll keep hoping you come as I'm doing awful staying content without you. It's definitely a constant struggle.

I cannot believe it has been nearly 8 years since I committed myself to you and started writing you. I can't help but imagine you as the type of person who would look at these letters with great appreciation and I will remain hopeful that they'll fill you with love. I hope they mean the world to you because writing you means a lot to me.

I think when we do marry we should consider our lives one big adventure. I think we should make adventures out of everything! I imagine grocery shopping as an adventure, as if it's vacation to us. And I'd want to take long walks and night walks with you. I would see you as a hero in my life and treat you that way. We would take trips as much as we can and photograph ourselves all over the world. I imagine you'll become my favorite subject to photograph, after all. It would be difficult for me to choose to marry someone who dislikes the camera. Because even if that's the case, you'll have to learn to love it. It's my passion, after all.

To continue, we would take adventures into the night and find the best place to see the stars and we would lay there for hours talking about everything that makes us happy and everything that makes us sad. I would always smile at you, even when the world around me falls apart. And if we ever got upset with each other, I would forgive you and we would grow closer. I desire to learn with you, not to mention learning about God even more. You'll be my favorite study buddy and we'll share both of our wisdom we developed over the years apart.

I'm probably going to pick on you just to see you smile or laugh. I imagine your laugh will become my favorite song. I'll look to you when you're around because I'll want to see your eyes shine and I'll want to see you simply smile and nod at me when we agree. Your hugs will become a moment of shelter for me and you'll comfort me as I hope that my response becomes a comfort for you--oh, how I love hugs. I'll buy you gifts of the things that remind me of you and I'll wear your favorite color. I'll cook your favorite food whenever you want and we'll dance until 2am in the kitchen to our favorite song.

I'll find out all of your faults and I'll love you nonetheless. I'll pay attention to you, even if you push me away. I'll run back to you when I have the urge to run away and you'll teach me how to be strong. I'll support you in all that you choose to do and I'll follow you when you take lead. I'll praise you in your accomplishments and mourn when you mourn. I'll love all of you, the good and the bad.

I know this because I'm determined to keep a promise.

I love you already and I look forward to the day you propose.


Your Future Wife,
Stephanie Ann

The Dating World.

I've never really entered the dating world. I can't say I've ever been truly asked on a date, which makes it easy to avoid that particular world. I've always had my reasons. I've been a friends-first type of girl for as long as I could understand relationships. I grew up believing, convincing myself, that I would find the right person through friendship. In my mind, that eliminated dating. Not necessarily friendship-dating, but the straight-forward, "Will you go out with me?" dating. I also convinced myself of how utterly horrible it would be to be like what we see on movies.

For years I managed this so very well. Friendship was completely normal and all I knew. But I suppose I also managed to build a room around me. I was picky, reserved, and shy. Not that anything is wrong with that, but it grew myself away from guys. I developed a comfort zone and stayed in it. It became my only focus on the subject. I lost the idea of actual friendship and associated dating with the bad mental image I gave myself. I'm not sure if this shaped my life the way it has became concerning guys, but I maintained the ability to become somewhat invisible.

I didn't notice them. They didn't notice me. I couldn't read them. They couldn't read me. I played this game to perfection until I became too curious. While looking for potential new friends, I made a mistake and hypocritically joined a dating site. I was entirely against it. I was actually angry that I felt I resulted to such a thing, as if I couldn't befriend anyone in person. Although that was the truth, it was only because I stayed away from any possibilities. It wasn't the world I wanted. Sure, I was dreaming of marriage, but in my mind I would find that through developing a best friend. Someday, I was certain.

My impatience though instead got the best of me. I joined the site, told every honest truth about myself on it, answered practically every question, and searched through profiles as if I was shopping online. I kept asking myself, "What am I looking for? And will I really find it here?" I was looking for a particular human being that I've never met before because I got my mind so very used to that idea. I couldn't be open because I was dead set on my imagination. A fictional character I daydreamed about for years that I was certain would eventually exist in real life. Now, nothing completely crazy or weird, it was just my guess on who I could desire to marry.

With that mindset, I was browsing profiles on a dating website I didn't even choose. I let a junk e-mail determine where I would be and I let the pressure push me to join. I began to think, if I could just know people, this would solve my invisible problem. If I could just put myself out there, I could make new guy friends and give someone a chance for once. But it didn't turn out that way. I quit the site after 10 days of a free trial and only held a conversation with about two guys, only talking outside of the website with one of them until the site cut me off.

It wasn't my scene. It wasn't what I was looking for. I questioned why I joined and regretted it later. It wasn't helping. I wanted to make a new friend in person, not online. Online wouldn't solve anything. My real issue was forgetting how to communicate with sincerity and letting any fear go so I can be myself. I was awful at it and I didn't find out until later. I forced myself to meet the one friend I made from that site. I had this unexplainable boldness and courage with one thought in my head: I have to meet him.

Long story short, I went through with it, and surprisingly, so did he. He was shy yet talkative and extremely respectful. He even went along with my idea of making it like a "hang-out" instead of anything more. He seemed like he could be a friend, and that was enough for me. But I wasn't ready to be his friend. I was afraid. The fear hit me so quickly that I was already drowning in tears before he could take the time to point out his desire for staying just as friends. I could have been honest with him that it was all I desired in the first place, but I was much too hurt to understand anything. I felt as if he forced me to recognize my feelings, my fear, and my lack of ability to understand.

Maybe he read me, I can't say I know. Maybe he just knew I forgot what friendship is. Maybe. But it brought me to a place in my life that showed me I needed to love myself, enjoy myself, and just plain become myself again. It changed my life either way, it inspired me, and it showed me that I am capable of taking a leap of faith and doing something I'm uncomfortable with. It brought me to a new place that I now call home and in return, it got me new friends who are now like family to me.

But although that sounds fine and dandy, with it's nice little happy ending and a story I've repeated millions of times since I've come here, there is so much more going on in my beating heart. It brings me back to my original intent on listening to my impatient self say, "Just join the site, find someone, communicate, and stop hiding." It brings me back to question what is it that I was really hoping for? 

I know it's unhealthy to watch romance movies during a time like this, but it opens a door I've shut. It's for the oddest healthiest reasons because I'm aware of why. I asked myself what I'm lacking and what I'm hoping for. Sure, I talk about friendships, but what will anything more do for me? What is it about relationships that gets me questioning myself so much? I'm getting older, yes. I'm many years into the stage of curiosity. I'm definitely not clueless, and contentment in singleness only lasts so long when you accidentally bottle things up and hide the truth from yourself. I'm content to an extent, but I'm still human and I still wonder.

What part of God do I fail to understand? The part of Him that loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me? What part of my life has given me a good example of that? I suppose my parents have. They did a very wonderful job telling me of my worth. It makes believing and feeling that from God so much easier. But the part where He loves me specifically for who I am and where I am... The part where He holds me close and never lets me go. The part where He whispers in my ear, "I love you." It's like the part of me having a hard time understand what that could possibly feel like. Not because I need someone to show me, but because I haven't had anyone show me that it is foreign. It is a concept I have to try really hard to imagine just to feel it from God. I do believe God will provide that satisfaction, but I've recognized why it's so hard. I've finally realized why it is one of the most complicated concepts to understand.

This ties into the dating world because I now catch myself thinking about feeling special to someone. I think about being on someone's priority list, and giving to them the same amount in return. I think about a day where I can have comfort hugs in a way I've never had before. I think about long conversations into the night about life, God, and all the small things. I think about sharing my talents and having someone believe in me. I think about supporting someone for their passions and making them feel so extremely important. But beyond that, I think about how they would actually find me good enough.

With this honesty comes so many responses though. And they're all the same, for the most part. They will say, "You don't need anyone," and I will respond, "That's not what I said, nor meant." They look past the lack, the pain, and the point. I am expressing a wound, something we've all gained one way or another in our past--and in more than one area. I am expressing honesty to help me come to accept this part of me, not deny it. I am not running from the issue, I am facing it. An ideal response in this moment would be, "I totally understand you and you are completely normal. God designed this in you and He does long to satisfy the emptiness."

This is me finally trying to not hide anymore. To get out of my shell, and open my eyes. I have to let go of the image I put in my head (the image I named Matthew, to be exact.) I have to stop running from people and pretending. I want to be real. I want to be enjoyable. I want to offer myself as a friend in the least. I want to notice someone notice me. I want to be captivating.

I want to be lovely.

love·ly

  [luhv-lee]

adjective, love·li·er, love·li·est.

1.

charmingly or exquisitely beautiful: a lovely flower.

2.

having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye, as a person or a face.

3.

delightful; highly pleasing: to have a lovely time.

4.

of a great moral or spiritual beauty: a lovely character.

Gentlemen and Lies.

Very recently I have come to acknowledge the fact that I have unknowingly grown quite a bad image of men. Not in my beliefs, but the unconscious part of me knew of them a certain way. I have a high respect for men, but I've grown an unexplainable fear of being a woman. It's not completely easy to explain but I'm going to attempt to do so because I'm determined to fix this part of me.

What image have I given men? I tell myself things such as, "Don't expect them to help you carry things, you're capable and if you're not, he will get annoyed with you." I should say fear tells me these things because I don't mean to believe them. Other thoughts that cross my mind are, "Just because you're a girl, it doesn't matter", "you have no value, nor right to expect anything from them." I may choose to ignore it, but I can't deny the fear isn't there. It has been there and I'm finally willing to admit this unfortunate side of me that I've accidentally held in for a few years now. I'm letting it out because it isn't right, it isn't fair, and it isn't helping me.

Have I lacked to meet a real gentleman? I've seen a few. I notice now that any small amount of help, respect, or appreciation from a male means the world to me. This is what caused me to question everything I am now writing. It has opened my eyes up to dig deep and far beyond the surface. I've come to understand that my past and experiences have somehow led me to having this twisted view on how I should be around guys. For the most part, I ignore it and act as myself. And being at a University filled with new people, I'm learning to build new habits and thoughts. My communication and social skills are changing and I'm fixing many issues I never knew I had until they were triggered.

I was never really surrounded by guys while growing up. I had my uncles, and for the most part I felt treated like a "kid." If I didn't help, I was sort of scolded over it. I got used to that sort of treatment. My uncles were great, but I didn't know it would affect me later. My only memories as a kid are quite negative concerning my perception of men. It was more like, "do what we say or you're selfish." I grew up believing I was selfish and it wounded me for years. In fact, I'm still recovering. But my memories are of camping trips with my uncles and cousins and feeling unwelcomed after a while and disqualified. I couldn't help bring any food, I didn't help enough with tent pitching, or I didn't carry anything. I can't remember exact details, but I struggled a lot trying to "do the right thing" and "please everyone." It always felt like a failed attempt.

My dad loved me though. He had anger issues, but he loved me. He provided food no matter what, and showed his love in gift-giving to me and my sister. I wasn't extremely close to him though. I didn't grow up with affection (and now deal with personal space issues!) But he was proud of me, believed in me, and loved me always.

So what went wrong? What is a gentleman? When it came to a guy opening a door for me, I ended up believing, "Just because you're a girl, doesn't mean a guy has to open a door for you." So I liked going last, opening my own door, never expecting. I started thinking, "Being a girl makes no difference." In a sense, I was looking down at myself. I was letting men become high above me and beyond because I decided to hide in mere humbleness and become...invisible. Invisible became the way for me.

"You are not valued or wanted for who you are...just hide. Don't displease. Don't expect. Guys don't value girls like that." Why did I believe that? Subconsciously I believed these lies that I clearly see now aren’t from a human. I reacted according to these thoughts embedded into my mind. This causes me now to be afraid to need “help” from a guy and afraid to expect anyone will value me. These lies made me remain feeling invisible and hidden, as if I should become like men in order to please them. And yet I know why I’ve had these thoughts planted and buried within me. I spent years with a friend who sort of gave me this image. I spent a lot of time changing myself as to not displease him. It wasn’t his fault, but it was mine. I should have stepped away, but I wanted to remain a good friend.

Now that I’ve gained the courage to actually speak up for myself and address this, I feel as though it’s time to really release this. There are some great men out there who don’t treat me as anyone less than I am. And even if I’ve yet to discover a gentleman who would purposefully value me, I still have come across some great acquaintances and friends who are kind to me. I never meant to run or look down on myself for being a female. I must realize it wasn’t my fault too.

To conclude, a big thanks to the very select few men that have offered to help me in the tiniest of ways, or made me feel valued. Your actions speak louder than words and it’s worth it to be a gentleman. I can’t speak for all females, but I most definitely appreciate your existence. Don’t ever expect a woman to be like a man. It takes away from her beauty and it wounds her deep down inside. Of course, I would not expect a man to be like a woman. The difference is beautiful and necessary. The current men in my life are very much appreciated and valued. I’m learning how to love myself now. J