My Heart is Whispering.

I'm not sure what it is, but I'm starting to recognize a tiny cry in my heart, asking me for something. It's hard to determine, but after all this healing, I wonder. I wonder what God is placing inside of me, and which part of it is merely in need of extra healing. I'm glad to wake up each day, remembering I am loved. I'm glad the mind attacks and fear has stopped, as far as I'm concerned. Staying tuned in with God is getting me through this. But what is the whisper in this new heart of mine?

I know it has a longing for something deeper, real, and different. It's dreaming up something it probably wants me to accomplish.  But then there is the little part of it that keeps trying to tell me something. My prayer lately is to fully let God grant me the desires of my heart. As I delight myself in Him, I pray He guides me to the dream He has for me.

Oh dear heart, what are you saying?

Desires of the Heart.

I'm going to dive in deep and share my thoughts on desires that I have and what God has been doing that affect them. A lot has changed, and interestingly enough, it has affected my desires. Perhaps this will help open anyone's eyes who happens to come across this blog, and give hope. Somehow I believe it just might be of help to someone because I'm still amazed.

About a week ago, I was quite different. I was completely broken at that point, and God was planning the very moment that I would be healed. My desires beforehand were hurting me, breaking me, and scaring me. I grew fears over them and tried running from them. Not because they were bad, but because I had no control over them. I needed healing and guidance out, and that's just what God did. I was desiring a closeness, a bond, and a relationship. Something I've never actually had before. It was beginning to really mess with my mind. My last cry out to God before it all changed went much like this, "God, please take these thoughts away, and please help me overcome this so I do not have to suffer every day."

He answered quick! Through a newly produced friendship, I was on my way to recovery with a wounded heart, and a repeated fear. God set it all up to bring out that fear inside of me, address the issue, and fix it. How clever of Him! My desire for more someday was affecting me now. That would only ruin the friendships I longed to create first. There was a problem here! Not only that, but I was extremely afraid. I found myself caught off guard, in shock, totally confused, thinking, "How is this happening again!?" Suddenly I felt rejected for the third time in a row, and this time I hardly even had time to know that person!

But that wasn't the case. I wasn't being rejected. I was being redirected. It wasn't a case of "Oh, he's not the one. Keep looking." It was a case of rather, "Your heart is too wounded that you need healing and Jesus is looking for you so He can fulfill you. Keep looking around, you'll see Him and He'll heal you." I suppose that is the best way I can explain it. I found what I like to now call my "godsend." Someone sent by God to play a part in the changing of my life! With all fingers now pointing to God, I was bound to be saved.

And I listened. I heard God calling me to Him and as I stood praying to Him, I knew that He was working a miracle. He changed me within one night. Now my desires lean toward serving Him. I don't become afraid at certain thoughts anymore, and I believe that God has a beautiful plan, waiting to unfold. He's already done so much for me. I can handle the wait for marriage, because now my desires are being controlled more and more each day. He even gave me a patience on that! Previously I was asking God, "Can I just KNOW him?" In fact, it was my only Christmas wish. It's literally all I wanted. But now I'm learning how to let go and trust God.

I believe that God puts the desires in our hearts. When we draw close to Him and follow Him, He directs our paths. You may recognize that as Scripture. Psalm 37:4 is the Scripture written on my Bible cover and it now runs so much deeper with me. Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart! So what is it like to delight yourself in the LORD? I think it's much like what I'm learning now. I am finding delight in God alone. How He loves me unconditionally, how He takes care of me, and how powerful He is. How He heals my heart and gives me hope. That is indeed delightful!

My desires have been changing the closer I get to God. Not that they're different, but that the priorities have changed. I'm more concerned over my relationship with Jesus, who loves me a lot, than I am over desiring marriage someday. It has helped me put so much trust in God, that I do not worry about those things. Yes, I still find myself dreaming of something unknown to me. But it is in God's hands. And right now I know that my heart needs to heal. But I know one thing is for certain. I've always desired to grow a friendship with any guy that comes my way, and I should have never compromised that. Now that I remember, I will apply it and pray often for the people God places in my life.

So although I desired so much more, God is helping me see that if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. And those desires will be good.

Prioritize.

While reading Captivating, a book written by John and Stasi Eldredge, I have been really getting to know my heart. It's helping me understand all my desires, but also all of my wounds. I am halfway through this book, but I already feel like God has changed so much for me. What interests me is that just two months ago, I felt like I was searching for something (or someone?). Taking action led me to so many new things, different things, and now to the very healing of my heart. Whatever was to happen for me to reach this point, God saw to it that it'd be done. That my search would be complete.

In my last blog entry, I discussed how God is mending my heart into a newer and stronger one. Today I was starting to learn how Jesus intends to heal it if I welcome Him in. Which I most definitely do. Daily I have been able to give Him my burdens, my concerns, my fears, and my sadness. Without hesitation, I have invited Him into the deepest part of my heart to be the One I call upon, day and night. He has really healed me. I have been able to see the recent happenings in my life in a new light. What seemed to be a repeated cycle has turned into a new path. You have no idea how warming that has become to this now-healing-heart of mine.

If I allow myself to really think about it, I have no idea who I would be if one simple thing were changed this year. If I didn't take certain first steps. If I didn't travel down south. If I didn't have motivation to buy that book. If I didn't fear rejection. If I didn't feel paranoid. If I wasn't trying to figure things out. And most importantly, if I wasn't searching for an answer. All of those tiny acts played together have brought me to exactly where I am at today, which feels like a blessing, a healing, a miracle! The cycle I was unfortunately living in suddenly would be repeating and repeating until I was destroyed and wounded to mental death.

No man could have come along, singing sweet words to serenade me to "happiness" and fix this heart. God could have placed my future husband in front of my face, and I would somehow fear him, in the back of my mind. Someday, if not right away. I would fear him and the only thing I would deserve at that point would be to lose him. Because he couldn't fulfill that empty spot in my heart, nor take away the pain that built up over the years. With that now being acknowledged in my mind and heart, I have been able to properly become healed, expecting no man to become closer than a friend. Losing that unintended expectation has eased a lot of fear and pain. Because what I need is one prayer away, and that is the love and healing from Jesus Christ, my only Savior.

I have fully forgiven anyone who has played a part in these fears in my past. They are all each loved by God so much so, and probably go through their own trials and problems. I forgive them with my whole heart, because now I am recovering. I am safe. I have been rescued by my very protective Father. But yes, I do still ask God to take away any new fears that try to attack me. I notice them coming during my work hours. But it feels as though there is a shield being built around me that manages to block these attacks from fully coming at me. Is that God? I believe so. He's really helping me through this.

I'm going to prioritize my life through this healing. I am going to bring what is internal out into what is external. Including my room, my schedule, my jobs, and my relationships. I still want to be a light in this world. It's so good to know there was an answer to this very extended cry of mine. I battled something for years, and I finally found the solution, right on time. All the steps I took to get here amaze me. From curiosity, to pressure, to ChristianMingle (the giving in to the pressure step), to attraction to someone new, to meeting them, to being recommended Captivating, to buying it, to reading it, to fear again over him, to meeting that fear face to face, to recognizing what was needed, to realizing I wasn't searching for a human companion, to finding the real answer (Jesus!), to beginning a healing process, and now...to making a difference and putting a complete end to the past cycle of fear.

May my new friendships be pure, holy, and acceptable to God. May I not wonder, fear, be paranoid, expect, or ask. May I be a light to all and encouragement as well. May I learn to live the dream, instead of dreaming the dream. May this year continue to be a GREAT ADVENTURE. ♥

A New Heart.

God has done a new thing inside of my frail heart. He has been healing it from past wounds, and opening my eyes to see what I've been needing to see. It's as if He set this whole thing up for a great purpose, and I'm finally capable of recognizing that purpose. Just a few weeks ago the pieces were thrown all over the place. But just recently the frame was put together and the middle pieces are being placed together perfectly by my very loving Father.

I was wounded and filled with fears and an aching heart. All I wanted was hope and a totally different life. But there was a better solution than what seemed easy. Because even if God Himself put my "dream guy" right in front of me, He knew I'd still wonder, still fear, and still want something more. It wouldn't be enough to just know that special person. I was failing at the only relationship I needed. I was hoping for something I wasn't even ready for. Humans will fail us, but God won't. When I received the words "Keep looking for that special someone" from a friend recently, it didn't even occur to me that those were the very words of God until tonight. When this reality hit me, I was smiling like Jesus just hugged me.

"Keep looking." Two simple words that I truly believe God was whispering to me over and over. He knew I'd find Him! He knew what I really needed, so He let me look, He let me search, until I was on the floor left with no strength. And the last thing He says to me is "Keep looking for that special someone." My search was not complete.

No man could ever fulfill that emptiness inside of me. Knowing this fact already was not enough for me. I had to feel it. I had to be chased to God by being rejected by men. God was saving me. He was searching for me so He could save me and remind me how lovely I am to Him. How wonderful is that!? From the moment I went down south to meet a guy, God had a plan. Through this young man He chased me right into His loving arms. Is that why I felt so determined to know him? Maybe. Maybe in a way it's like I knew he was the key to unlock this fragile part of me that needed Jesus.

This man, because of God, did me a favor. I could not find my satisfaction in him, nor could I find the hope I needed. My true search was to find my loving Savior all over again. He needed to heal my heart that became bruised and beaten over the years. He needed to make me feel captivating. I was hurting, I was afraid and paranoid and God wanted to save me. He wanted to take all those fears away within a relationship between He and I and no other human being. My search for a companion was really just a search to mend the  broken relationship I somehow had with the Lord.

And although I feel I learned my true lesson, I know that all I want right now are friendships. If a guy cannot handle a friendship with me, he can never handle more. But anything beyond friendship is in God's hands. For now, I want to deepen my relationship with God and trust Him with my future. I have no reason to search beyond Jesus Christ. He is all I need. When God finds me ready, I'm sure He will have the perfect husband for me. But until that day comes, I will be fully content with God alone. I will keep learning how to love, how to help, how to speak, and how to act. I will go where He sends me, and I will be still when He is silent.

I feel like God has given me a new heart. It makes me want to start all over again with every relationship I have. This new heart of mine feels stronger already. As I continuously grow, giving God my fears and hardships, I know He will strengthen this heart daily. It's on its way to recovery now and may take some time before it's ready to be handled by anyone else. Therefore I know God will be taking great care of it so that it's perfectly ready for whatever is there for me in the near future. I imagine this new heart of mine as a very worthy piece of me. A piece that God was so determined to fix and led me exactly to where I am today just so I'd hand it over fully. With this new heart is a key that I leave in His hands. Only He knows how to properly protect my heart.

It's not that I abused my heart in the past, but that in order to learn a great lesson, God was aware my heart would someday become weak. Because He knew this, He had the answer and the solution. And here I am, in the midst of it all, learning and growing. To see all that God intended to do for my life just to save me and make me strong. I do not have to live in fear or search for hope. He is my safety and hope.

I guess you could say...I got to learn this all because I took that first step. I just had no idea where God was really leading me. ;)

Undesired Feelings.

Today I watched an online sermon and it got the tears going. God knew exactly what I needed to hear and He gave it to me. Just last night I was crying out in mere agony, confessing that a certain particular thing has been hurting me every day. And each day I fight it off, try to learn from it, but daily it attacks me. No matter what I do, no matter what others tell me, no matter how often I pray about it--it still stabs my heart. I cannot seem to understand this nor overcome it, and I know that God is the only answer and I will continuously seek Him until this finds its end.

Hiding from it will not solve it. I think it's time I allow myself to admit it, to put it out there, and let God do the rest. Although I know I can get through this, it feels like I can't. I practically begged God to not let this be so because I don't want it hurting me every day anymore. I cannot seem to shake this off. I remind myself so many times of God's promises, of His love, of His timing, and yet I still cry in the waiting, never knowing what to do. I have reached the end of my rope and now I need God more than ever.

But in today's sermon I was reminded that God keeps His promises, even if we fail, even if we doubt. That He suffered for us and He is so determined to keep His promise. He has blessings for us who follow Him, even when we seem undeserving. He goes through the "pieces" for us. He takes the hit. He can and will bless us.

I needed to hear that. I feel like God has made promises with me, and while they seem to be unfulfilled, I have the hardest time enduring. It gets harder  by the day, but God is faithful. I know that even if I fail today in trusting, and I cannot seem to understand, He will keep His promise still. Knowing that can lift my spirits now, to help me through, even if it still hurts. There are many things I wait on, many things I do not understand. But I can trust that God's promises will be fulfilled. He has plans for my life, to give a hope and a future, to prosper. There is nothing I can or can't do that will change that of Him.

You see, what has been tearing me down is my desires for a companion in life. But not just because I long to love someone, but because I long to have it returned. To feel desired. It is absolutely the most complicated battle of all. It has attacked me for years, the thoughts have haunted me. I begin to feel afraid to even develop feelings for another human being because in my mind, they do not want that. They'll go silent. They'll not want me. And then I will suffer--again. It's ridiculous how strong those thoughts attack me, and I'm aware they are not of God. I want them to completely vanish so that I can develop normal friendships. So that I do not feel paranoid or afraid. So that I can take silence and lack of communication lightly.

Why must this always happen to me? I am losing patience and it is tearing me down. I've tried incredibly hard to fight this off, and the moment I think it goes away, all seems so well. Suddenly I have hope. Suddenly it feels like the war has ended and I can be free. But then signs from the past, familiar behaviours, and a sudden change in scenery changes it all and I become afraid that I set myself up for heartbreak. Unintentionally, unknowingly, and unfortunately. This is not the life I want to live. This is not the feelings I want to suffer--every single day. 

Please, God. I trust Your promises. Why must I be made in such a way that I desire to be desired? Help me make it through this waiting time so that I do not bring anyone down along the way. And so that I do not attach myself to anyone but You. No human can make me happy the way You do. So why do I desire one?

Marriage.

Somehow I ended up in the living room watching a movie about marriage. It reminded me of the many things I've learned in the past. I've always had a beautiful image of marriage in my head (and I still do). I felt like over the years its beauty was torn away and destructed and too often people missed it. They begin to see it as a set of rules to be followed instead of a set or roles. Then it becomes twisted and lacks value.

As a child I believed my parents would be together forever. At eleven I experienced their divorce. It was more of a shock, thinking, "Is this really happening?" I was still a bit too young to fully understand, but I remember it quite well. I sat in the darkness with my door cracked open, peeking out to hear my father on the phone downstairs. He said hurtful words about my mother's actions, as I sat their crying. Soon I made my way over to my sister's room to find her sad as well. I also remember the night my mother stayed with me instead at night, sharing my twin-sized bed.

Soon my life had two houses. My sister and I had to choose which parent to spend certain holidays with and try not to disappoint the other. Each parent ended up moving houses and I'd switch rooms, clinging to my mom's, then my dad's, and so forth. I grew into a teenager eventually and was much too shy to do really anything beyond living. I lost many friends to distance and moving away and had the most difficult time fitting in at school. At fourteen, my life had a turn-around.

I lacked to communicate with the male species. They annoyed me and I dreamed of something more than the ones I'd see. I started getting quite drawn to the idea of marriage, and it became beautiful to me. But I was too shy to ever say anything, and gained a habit of rude humor. A boy in my science class Sophomore year would always come up to me, trying to strike a conversation, and I could not understand why. It annoyed me so much that I began to appear rude to him, in a silent way. He called me "evil" and never let me forget it. It hurt me so incredibly much that I turned to God and asked Him to change me.

I did not want to be rude. I did not want to hurt people. I did not want to be selfish. I wanted to be happy, giving, and desirable to be around. I wanted God to change me completely! Thanks to my youth Pastor at the time, I was encouraged to do just that. I wrote scriptures on my hand as a reminder and began to grow closer to God. I attended youth quite often for the sake of hearing another sermon that would uplift me. And that's when the best one of all came and changed my life and view of dating forever.

Pastor Brian called his sermon "The Dangers of Dating." He spoke to us to say that too often when people date, they make that person their world and sometimes leave out the family. It takes your focus away from God and your walk with him, and could even affect other relationships. He encouraged us that God would bring our spouse. We did not need to worry about it and we needed to keep our focus on Him. Pastor Brian reminded us how important it is to include God in a relationship, include family, include friends, and most of all, pray about it.

But the part that really stuck out to me and spoke to my heart deeply was when these particular words left his mouth: "You can commit to your future husband or wife today, right now, and love them even before you meet." To me that meant staying absolutely pure, truly seeking God, getting to know someone through friendships, and waiting until God found you ready. That night I immediately wanted to commit myself to my future husband--and I did. February 8, 2006, I wrote a letter to claim that I have committed myself to him and I would wait for him.

Over a month later I learned about purity rings, and March 29, 2006, my mother took me to buy one. I've been wearing it since, to this day, as a reminder that I would wait. Not only for the intimacy part, but for them in general. I wanted my first to be my only, and I was so determined to pray my way to have that. I prayed for him religiously, day and night, writing letters to him, and praying God would  protect him and let him wait for me. Yes, I began to have some high hopes that seem almost impossible nowadays, but I imagined God would set aside someone just for me and one day I would find him.

That's when the daydreamed image of him came to be. I tried to picture who I imagined him to be. Brown hair,  blue eyes, six feet, lean, and the most beautiful smile. He would sing and play piano or guitar. He would love God with all of his heart. I was a dreamer. Over time I started to twist the image a bit according to anyone new in my life that I fancied. But yet I never could quite get that image out of my head. It's like I allowed myself to really believe he would be a certain way. I had him down to a tee. I would be his first and he would have waited for me. Yep, that's right. I longed for a man who would never have had a girlfriend. I practically begged God every night in prayer to keep him away from girls. That he would wait for me as I wait for him. I couldn't get myself to let this idea go.

To add to it all, I wrote a story on how I imagined my future of meeting him. I named him Matthew and gave him a birthday. In the story we lived approximately 250  miles apart and became friends during one of his visits in Santa Barbara. My character in the story quickly grew in love with him and feared he didn't feel the same. But he dealt with fears himself and doubt, that he didn't deserve anyone like her. After all, he had been single for twenty-two years and they were miles apart. He couldn't provide for her or make her happy. But right at last minute, before she moved back home, he confessed that he did not want her with anyone else because he wanted to be with her. Soon after they take a walk at sunset on the beach and he proposes and I discontinued writing.

What have I done? I have embedded into my mind of what I was waiting for and for six years after that, I received the oddest situations. But never has my idea of a lasting marriage to come left my mind. I have full faith that God could give that to me and I do not fear divorce. I'm quite against divorce. It saddens me, as if so many of us have lost the ability to love. But love is sacrifice. And although I've never been in a relationship, I am building up my appreciation for it when that day does come. To me it'll be a great reward, not a step in life. I intend to take it seriously.

Marriage is a bond between two people, coming together as one flesh. It is the image of Jesus waiting on His bride (the church) to become one. Marriage must be a huge thing if that is what God uses for when Jesus returns! I like to look back on the beginning of the Bible. When man was created. You see, the reason woman was created as well was because God said "it is not good for man to be alone. I will create a helper." A helper. Ever since I memorized the beginning, when creation happened, I grew in love with the idea of being a "helper." How beautiful is that?!

The earth was not complete until God made the woman for the man. And to top things off, he use Adam's rib to create her, a bone quite close to his heart. She is a part of him. It's God, then man, then woman. All for a purpose. That is what gave me so much hope, why I see marriage as a beautiful thing. I was created to be a helper, a companion. That's exactly why I have these desires that I was fighting off for years because I couldn't fulfill them. But God can. And I shouldn't be ashamed of desiring these things. I shouldn't try to hide my want to be that helper.

Today I shall still remind myself that God made me this way for a beautiful purpose.

Dream-like Reality.

It was more like a dream. The type of dream you wake up from feeling incomplete. As if that dream gave you all the answers you wondered about and fulfilled all the wishes you lived with for years. In this dream you made it to a point in your life that you only once imagined. But you were there. It was time. And it felt so incredibly right. Every cell in your body was filled with hope and in that simple moment, nothing could tear you down. That one small and massive prayer was answered and you finally made it.

But soon you find yourself waking up to reality and no further hope is given. Questions start swarming around in your mind and doubt tries incredibly hard to attack you any chance it gets. You try holding on to the hope you received in that dream, reminding yourself how wonderful it felt, how happy you became, but the further it gets, the weaker you feel. You question the purpose of the dream, hoping that it still means something and that someday soon that dream will continue. But until then, you can only wish all over again, hope all over again, and wait all over again.

What I want to remember is that with God, all things are possible. He has a plan that will work, that will keep me strong, and that will amaze me beyond measure. I can tell I'm at the beginning of that new book in life. He's writing this new chapter for me and I must tell myself this each and every day. I will be blown away, quite like I was in said dream. I'm so thankful that what seemed like a dream was actually reality for a little while. Maybe that's exactly what God planned to wake me up, get me dreaming again, wishing again, and gaining the proper motivation to move on.

That dream should be enough for me to believe and know. To just keep the hope that what I once imagined is real. It is real. There is hope.

I can do this.

Hope.

I was feeling quite fragile today that I found myself curled up on the floor, crying out to God. Questioning Him, "Why is it so hard for me to overcome this? Why do I have to wonder about certain things? Why do I feel so unhappy here?" Feeling almost defeated, I allowed the crying to take place so I could simply just let it all out and feel God's comfort. I knew the things my heart was longing for and I knew why it was aching. I wanted to push those thoughts aside and feel okay. I wanted to take things lightly, never dig so deep, and just be content. Why must I intensely long for something that seems so hard to accomplish?

But then I imagine that the things I hope for and wait for are going to be worth the wait, and I shouldn't allow myself to doubt for a second on that. I know I can make it through. I should allow the glimpse of that possible future give me strength and hope, instead of spending time missing it. I should trust and believe that God has placed me on the right path, and that I am okay. These emotions will come and go, but God will stay the same. God's love will remain. His strength will always be there for me to borrow when I cannot develop my own.

I have become ready to move on. It may take even more time to get to that point, but I've started the process and began the determination. My mind is set on this idea as I move forward and plan it. God has my back. He is the Almighty, powerful and unchanging. He will never fail me, leave me, nor forsake me. All this waiting is going to make for a great reward. The glimpse I happily got to have has helped me prepare myself to accomplish these new goals. God can do anything He wants, and nothing is impossible with Him!

Concerning my future husband, I know God will guide me to him just the way He planned. I know He'll help prepare me as I wait. He'll hold me close when the desires become intense, and He'll protect that particular man as well. I want to be the best that I can be for him so that when our time comes, it's the most beautiful love story written by God, the Author of romance. I can make it because he is worth it. I know I'll love him all the days of my life and for all the twenty-two-years of waiting, he'll be worth every second of it. Until that day comes, I'll be waiting. May we someday, hopefully soon, be able to serve God together and make a difference. ♥

Finding My Place.

My mind has really been active since I returned home. But I've learned so much over the past few days and received so much motivation to get up and go. What has been my problem? What have I been suffering? What has kept me cooped up in a little town, feeling stuck? Why have I built up all these questions? Why have I felt so alone? Why have I lacked to take the proper leaps of faith to see what God can actually do with me? Has He been waiting on me this whole time?

And here are the answers. My problem has been the fact that I dream big and I'm surrounded by those who may not believe I can do it. My problem is that I have felt I received no help therefore I allowed time to pass and I shouldn't have. I have been suffering feeling stuck and useless, even though I believe I am not. I have multiple talents that I practice quite often, but no focus or specific goal in using them. What has kept me cooped up in a little town feeling stuck is my lack of flying. I've unknowingly tied myself down due to money, even though I have the faith to believe God can provide. I have built up all these questions because I have buried inside of me a yearning to be somewhere and I never fulfilled that desire. I have felt so alone because I had no one to surround myself with that had the same passion and desire and could not seem to reach out for help. I have lacked to take the proper leaps of faith to see what God can actually do with me because I became tied down with bondage that needed releasing.

I do believe God has been waiting on me and guided me to Southern California for a specific purpose so that I can come back home with the right knowledge that I, Stephanie Ann, am about to be taken in the direction God has because I now see exactly how strong my heart is and how eager it is to be placed in the proper location. I want to further God's Kingdom with my talents, and I always have dreamed that. I've changed the paths from nothing, to hopes, to England, to LA, and now to storytelling for God. I learned all over again how beautiful it would be to minister through my work, and my talents.

What has stopped me is something that I fully know cannot stop God. And that is money. Money has never been important to me, but it is what we need to get by sometimes (unfortunately). But why can't God provide that? What is too hard for God? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! He can do anything He desires to do, and it is yet another dream to see God do that for me. To see Him lift me up, pull me out of this hole, and take me PLACES I've never seen before, and to people that have that same driven passion to further His Kingdom as well.

So what did it take? It took leaving my hometown, being somewhere new, and meeting people who were a part of something to open my eyes that I, too, want that. I am so happy that God led me to buying that bus ticket, providing a place to stay, and means of transportation to drive myself to a little coffee shop and meet my newest inspiration. Someone that I can tell God has been working in and someone who has found his calling, his place. Someone who offered help with simple opinions and suggestions on what I should consider. And although I sat there so confused with what way to go, he definitely planted some sort of seed inside of me.

I could tell he had a massive amount of faith in all that he does because I knew that sort of behaviour. It's something I always had inside of me and something I want to use to get me to somewhere new. God led me to this particular human being for reasons I wouldn't have known. I still don't know the full reasons. But He brought me there, all the way down south, and made it possible. It was something I didn't normally do, yet neither did he. How God could bring two people together out of the blue for vast reasons leaves me in such awe. He has to have reason behind this all.

I am so thankful for what God has taught me and I want to make the first step onto my future. And maybe along the way God will still take me to England. Maybe He used that dream to lead me to here because it was all I needed. Suddenly I don't feel so alone anymore and I have received so much hope this year. My past is gone, my battle has been over, and I'm ready to find my place.

A Trip Well Needed.

About two weeks ago I made a decision to buy a bus ticket and head down South. I tried finding legitimate excuses to come, but I knew the ultimate reason would only be known upon my departure. What caused me to spontaneously decide I would go? I do believe God intended this to happen, but I also had no idea how everything would come to play. Was there more reason why I needed to be here other than the fact that I needed out? Was God showing me something I needed to see?

I've struggled with fears, insecurities, and feeling alone in the passions that I have. I didn't get out much. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to feel important, and nothing real to be a part of. I parted from many friends and lived inside my head, full of dreams and goals bigger than any I've ever known. No one around me seemed to understand my big dreams, no one else had such huge dreams. But I believed with my entire heart that I could do anything I set my heart to if God sees it fit. But what was I lacking?

It took a great amount of courage for me to make yet another decision upon coming down here. But I gained that  boldness and I found myself driving down streets I don't know, highways I've never driven on, and a coffee place I never knew existed. And there I sat, patiently waiting to meet a person I've never seen face to face. I stayed so hidden from the world, afraid of being rejected again. I needed out! And finding him gave me hope.

What can I say now? I can say I hopped on a bus to travel over 200 miles South, got picked up by a new friend I never met before, bought an iPhone 5, drove someone else's car, was entirely out of my comfort zone, met a guy I barely knew online, went to church with him, let him drive me around, bought his gas, and departed with a hug that I will never forget. Have I really come this far? Did this really all just happen? And yet I feel entirely content with a deeper happiness. If this was a test to see if I'm ready for change, then I sincerely hope I passed.

So what was the reason why I came here? I think God wanted to open my eyes to new things. A couple months ago I made a decision that I would move south in the future. Yet I had no attachments or connections to anything here and had no idea. Now that I have come this far, I realize that for the first time in years...I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt like my heart found itself closer to where it needed to be. There is something here that it needed to see to finally feel...connected.

I suppose only God knows at this point where my heart belongs. But I definitely made the step into the right direction to figure that out. I will return home tomorrow with all the tools I need to get started in making the second step. I have been given hope and the most loveliest new memories I'll replay over and over until I return.