People have told me quite a few times in the past few years of my life that I deserve "someone better." The interesting thing is that I've never actually had the opportunity to settle for anyone less. To think I "deserve" more makes me wonder if what I receive is really in my control. What are these people really saying to me? Jesus sat with tax collectors and sinners, but don't you think He "deserved" more? Jesus died on a cross, but don't you think he "deserved" more? You see, that's the interesting thing in life. You will never find someone on this earth as perfect for you. We "deserve" really nothing. But with God, everything is just a plus.
Now, because I've not had the opportunity to settle for more or less, I've not even made that mistake of committing to this "less" that they feel I do not deserve. And sure, I'm flattered they think I'm worthy enough for someone great, but is it my fault when someone broken and faulty comes along? And even when a kind soul does present itself into my life, it's not like I'm jump on it like a train and travel the world. I'm starting to think that it's going to take a long time before someone will actually fight hard enough for me. If they can fight that hard though, maybe that's what I "deserve."
Here is my view on what I think I'd like to have. If a man presents himself to me someday, I'd like a wonderful foundation of friendship. With that friendship, I'd like laughter--lots of laughter. I find it one of the most important qualities in any human being. I'm curious, I am, of what it's like for someone to actually look so highly on me. That I am important to them--that my presence makes a difference. I'd want to experience someone who considers my likes and dislikes and respects them (because darling, I'd be doing the same). I'd like someone who can read my eyes and constantly ask me how I'm doing until I give an answer (because sometimes I need that pestering to open up). I'd like someone whose eyes light up when I enter a room. I'd like someone who can give out constant words of affirmation so I never have to question what they think, or how they feel.
Most importantly, I'd like someone who is real--someone broken, faulty, and has a past of trials and tribulations they overcome. I'd like someone who has empathy and a need to understand others. Someone that understands we all make mistakes, but that we can grow from them. This to me is genuine, and I wouldn't ask for perfection because I couldn't ever compare to them. I myself am broken, faulty, and full of failures. I want someone to laugh over mistakes with me and try again at the same time. If this means I'm settling for less, then so be it. Because with God, everything the world believes is great is only reversed and in the end, less is more.
To clarify, I do believe I "deserve" better than someone who treats me less than who I really am. My dad treated me like a gem, like a princess, and like one of the most important persons in the world. With that as the case, and after losing him over a year ago, I hold onto the fact that he has taught me what type of man I should ever settle for. If a man cannot see me the way my father saw me--as special and important--then I highly doubt I'd give such a man my heart. But until then, my heart is safely held in the hands of God.
I'm simply reserving it for a time that someone truly makes me smile from the inside out. Even if the world sees it before we do.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
Love the Oppressed.
A building never looks the same on the back. It's not detailed, decorated, nor does it hold up a sign that welcomes you in. In most cases, it is the ugly side. The side that doesn't matter because no one is going to pay attention to it. As long as it has a pretty front, that is all that matters. The buildings that we see that only pay attention to what is on the front side are like the perspectives we have when we only look at someone through our own eyes. Through our emotions, our opinions, and our abilities, we look at someone and judge according to our own. We aren't the owner, and we don't enter through the back. We enter a shopping center, enter through the front, get what we want, and then leave.
I'm not entirely comparing human beings and social behavior to the whole of buildings in general. But it came to mind how we almost treat people like they are a store. If it looks good in the front and has what we need, we'll go in. But do we ever take the time to consider what someone looks like through their perspective? Through entering the back of a building? Through standing behind the register? Do we understand that each person created on this world comes into this world the same way you do? A helpless baby who will grow into what he or she believes based off of how those around them while growing up act and treat them.
Every human being is a sum total of all the influences that surrounded them through all the years they live. And if that's the case, then our existence in each person's life is more important than we know. When someone is angry, they have reasons. Deep reasons that we may not know until we step into their shoes and get a glimpse of why. We can stand in front of them and not bother asking, or we can sit beside them and listen. When someone is sad, there are built up emotions, fears, or experiences that has weighed them down. Will we walk past them or sit beside them and empathize?
I like to say I've been living my life a little more uniquely than the average human being. I notice this by the advice people give me when I'm undergoing tough times. There is more of a praise in "Stand up for yourself, don't deal with those people, and move on" than there is in saying, "Be humble, love anyway, and consider those around you." I look at Jesus and His life and can't help but see how He chose to sit with sinners, with the people the dominant culture was screaming, "Don't sit with those people! They're not good enough! They're unclean!" But Jesus took the oppressed people's side. He saw them being abused and He came over and gave them hope and life. Isn't that what He's asking us to do as well?
That mindset is how I choose to approach each person and trial that I face. When my fear says, "Run away" and my peers agree, God says, "I'll give you rest, stop running." I then find myself with this urge and softening of heart to change my ways from what the world agrees on and portray the ways that God designed in His word. This includes shifting my focus from my own problems and my own self to any other person involved or those around me. To stand up for the people that do not feel good enough and give them a love that not many people bothered to give. My goal is to give those who lack what they need something greater.
Love and care is not a formula, nor can it be defined by words. It's not something you give a definition to, it's something you choose to do. Sometimes it's hard to love when others wrong us, but it's more powerful than anger. Love is giving of yourself and sacrificing what may be important to you and letting the other person benefit instead. Love is listening to their cries and tending to their needs. It's the willingness to lay down your life for them if they were in danger. Love is the willingness to go out of your way to clothe the person if they're naked, feed the person if they're hungry, and give water if they're thirsty (James 2:15-17).
I must say, I have quite the big heart for not only the marginalized, but for the people that seem to hide from the world out of fear. Those are the people I want to sit beside and simply say, "I'm here for you, if you need anything." How great is our God that He would send Jesus into the world to simply empathize with us? How great is our God that He wanted to say to us, "This is how much I love you. That I would stand up for you when you were attacked and I would save you." This is the God I want to continuously follow throughout my days because He cares for me and for those around me.
Until you experience this kind of love, this sort of sacrifice, and this humbleness, you may not know the truest feeling of what it means to follow Christ. Listen to the hearts around you, change your perspective on life, and let yourself sit down next to someone and say, "I'm here for you, if you need anything." Wait if they need a moment and get to know their struggles, their life and their hopes or dreams. Get to know their favorite hobby--give them HOPE that they're not alone. Support them when they feel no one else cares. BE the change in their life. BE the hope. BE the light. Care as much for their favorite food as you do for their biggest goal in life. If the small things matter as much as the big things, then you'll find yourself actually caring.
I'm not entirely comparing human beings and social behavior to the whole of buildings in general. But it came to mind how we almost treat people like they are a store. If it looks good in the front and has what we need, we'll go in. But do we ever take the time to consider what someone looks like through their perspective? Through entering the back of a building? Through standing behind the register? Do we understand that each person created on this world comes into this world the same way you do? A helpless baby who will grow into what he or she believes based off of how those around them while growing up act and treat them.
Every human being is a sum total of all the influences that surrounded them through all the years they live. And if that's the case, then our existence in each person's life is more important than we know. When someone is angry, they have reasons. Deep reasons that we may not know until we step into their shoes and get a glimpse of why. We can stand in front of them and not bother asking, or we can sit beside them and listen. When someone is sad, there are built up emotions, fears, or experiences that has weighed them down. Will we walk past them or sit beside them and empathize?
I like to say I've been living my life a little more uniquely than the average human being. I notice this by the advice people give me when I'm undergoing tough times. There is more of a praise in "Stand up for yourself, don't deal with those people, and move on" than there is in saying, "Be humble, love anyway, and consider those around you." I look at Jesus and His life and can't help but see how He chose to sit with sinners, with the people the dominant culture was screaming, "Don't sit with those people! They're not good enough! They're unclean!" But Jesus took the oppressed people's side. He saw them being abused and He came over and gave them hope and life. Isn't that what He's asking us to do as well?
That mindset is how I choose to approach each person and trial that I face. When my fear says, "Run away" and my peers agree, God says, "I'll give you rest, stop running." I then find myself with this urge and softening of heart to change my ways from what the world agrees on and portray the ways that God designed in His word. This includes shifting my focus from my own problems and my own self to any other person involved or those around me. To stand up for the people that do not feel good enough and give them a love that not many people bothered to give. My goal is to give those who lack what they need something greater.
Love and care is not a formula, nor can it be defined by words. It's not something you give a definition to, it's something you choose to do. Sometimes it's hard to love when others wrong us, but it's more powerful than anger. Love is giving of yourself and sacrificing what may be important to you and letting the other person benefit instead. Love is listening to their cries and tending to their needs. It's the willingness to lay down your life for them if they were in danger. Love is the willingness to go out of your way to clothe the person if they're naked, feed the person if they're hungry, and give water if they're thirsty (James 2:15-17).
I must say, I have quite the big heart for not only the marginalized, but for the people that seem to hide from the world out of fear. Those are the people I want to sit beside and simply say, "I'm here for you, if you need anything." How great is our God that He would send Jesus into the world to simply empathize with us? How great is our God that He wanted to say to us, "This is how much I love you. That I would stand up for you when you were attacked and I would save you." This is the God I want to continuously follow throughout my days because He cares for me and for those around me.
Until you experience this kind of love, this sort of sacrifice, and this humbleness, you may not know the truest feeling of what it means to follow Christ. Listen to the hearts around you, change your perspective on life, and let yourself sit down next to someone and say, "I'm here for you, if you need anything." Wait if they need a moment and get to know their struggles, their life and their hopes or dreams. Get to know their favorite hobby--give them HOPE that they're not alone. Support them when they feel no one else cares. BE the change in their life. BE the hope. BE the light. Care as much for their favorite food as you do for their biggest goal in life. If the small things matter as much as the big things, then you'll find yourself actually caring.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Becoming Beautiful.
Well, I'm feeling myself entering a new little season and mindset. Not necessarily where I want to be, but my internal thoughts are now processing slightly differently. I think it's the Hallmark movies I watched over Thanksgiving break. They have this sort of power to alter your thoughts and get you dreaming again. Not that the dreaming is a good thing, but it's definitely humanly possible. I started desiring to be a part of fancy Christmas parties, or land an office job and dress up each day for work in "fancy" outfits (that I would miraculously find for cheap). But then I get these thoughts of a stranger coming into my life and changing it. This stranger would then become a friend.
A best friend?
This particular thought, however, throws me right back to where I started. I begin to shake the thoughts away and accept that I must not dream up what isn't happening. My issue is that I don't live in the present with thanksgiving. I live here having the hardest time being thankful and thinking, "Thanks, God. I love my life and I'm so blessed." I can't seem to feel that way and yet I hope and pray for it. People make a vast difference, and I was slowly drifting from my surroundings, and from everything new. When this ends in tears, all I really can do is pray it out.
I'm "mad" now to the point of internally yelling at my emotions and my self. Whatever is trying its hardest to just bring me down can seriously stop torturing me. I'm "mad" because I want to be happy, I want to be my natural self. I want to be the hyper, cheery, weird self that I know I can be. I want to be a friend to my friends and I want to be enough. I want to be desired because of my personality becoming so addicting to people. (Okay, not everyone, just my friends and new potential friends). I want to become that sort of person that someone takes a picture with just to say, "I love this girl. She's amazing to me." And I mean that with any friend that I let be close to me. I don't mean I want someone to say those things--I simply mean I want to become that sort of person worthy enough to be that for someone.
Because I need that.
I have come to recognize how much we as humans utterly need friends. We need people to love us in order to really see and feel God. Without that, we begin to live and feel alone as those who literally do and do not know God. With God, being alone isn't so hard (luckily). But without people to hold close to our hearts, we forget what God's love really is like. And I believe this all starts with the desire to change our own hearts, and to strive for a happiness that other people would yearn for.
I have grown up losing best friends. I have never managed to hold onto someone close enough as to never lose them. And now, as an adult, I find myself letting them slip away and losing confidence in myself. I have a past that made this certain life so easy to live. This sort of lack of self-confidence and broken heart--my past made it too easy for me. But I have this past as my challenge to see if I can overcome these obstacles and show the world a different story. A story of a girl who didn't deserve anything but received everything--somehow, someway, by God.
So I'm letting go of my selfish behavior and I'm going to love as best as I can all the souls that come into my life. I'm going to befriend as best as I can and when I fail, I will still call upon God. I will still get back up and love again.
I guess you could say this is my way of becoming truly and utterly beautiful.
A best friend?
This particular thought, however, throws me right back to where I started. I begin to shake the thoughts away and accept that I must not dream up what isn't happening. My issue is that I don't live in the present with thanksgiving. I live here having the hardest time being thankful and thinking, "Thanks, God. I love my life and I'm so blessed." I can't seem to feel that way and yet I hope and pray for it. People make a vast difference, and I was slowly drifting from my surroundings, and from everything new. When this ends in tears, all I really can do is pray it out.
I'm "mad" now to the point of internally yelling at my emotions and my self. Whatever is trying its hardest to just bring me down can seriously stop torturing me. I'm "mad" because I want to be happy, I want to be my natural self. I want to be the hyper, cheery, weird self that I know I can be. I want to be a friend to my friends and I want to be enough. I want to be desired because of my personality becoming so addicting to people. (Okay, not everyone, just my friends and new potential friends). I want to become that sort of person that someone takes a picture with just to say, "I love this girl. She's amazing to me." And I mean that with any friend that I let be close to me. I don't mean I want someone to say those things--I simply mean I want to become that sort of person worthy enough to be that for someone.
Because I need that.
I have come to recognize how much we as humans utterly need friends. We need people to love us in order to really see and feel God. Without that, we begin to live and feel alone as those who literally do and do not know God. With God, being alone isn't so hard (luckily). But without people to hold close to our hearts, we forget what God's love really is like. And I believe this all starts with the desire to change our own hearts, and to strive for a happiness that other people would yearn for.
I have grown up losing best friends. I have never managed to hold onto someone close enough as to never lose them. And now, as an adult, I find myself letting them slip away and losing confidence in myself. I have a past that made this certain life so easy to live. This sort of lack of self-confidence and broken heart--my past made it too easy for me. But I have this past as my challenge to see if I can overcome these obstacles and show the world a different story. A story of a girl who didn't deserve anything but received everything--somehow, someway, by God.
So I'm letting go of my selfish behavior and I'm going to love as best as I can all the souls that come into my life. I'm going to befriend as best as I can and when I fail, I will still call upon God. I will still get back up and love again.
I guess you could say this is my way of becoming truly and utterly beautiful.
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