Today I wandered to the living room where my friend sat and expressed my loneliness to her. I plopped onto the couch adjacent and spent about an hour after that in communication with her. It went quite lovely as she asked me to explain my ideal husband. It brought me back to being sixteen again, where I inevitably had a check-list of who I'd want to marry. Not that I knew what I'd need, but I had a very detailed imagination. It got me thinking again though. I may be much older now, making my way to twenty-three, but I still have that same heart I did at sixteen. Never finding anyone to hold this heart, I still find myself dreaming.
I guess I always did have a check-list. I once learned that we should give all our dreams up to God, knowing He is the only one capable of knowing who we'd need. I've always had a strong desire to be a helper. I have urges to make someone feeling utterly special, as if of all people in the world, they were with me. My hardest struggle was accepting that such a person never came along. I was too afraid to look, as if I'd ruin the chance of unintentionally meeting. That, and I was determined that God didn't need me to look for him.
I can't really say what He wants me to do though. I've come to a contentment in my singleness that allows me to go out and follow a dream on my own. I sit now in another country with the only responsibility of myself. And it works for me. I can reach out to others in the same struggle, young or old, and maybe shed some light into their lives. Jesus has fulfilled me enough to say that I know I'll make it through this somewhat lonely time. I fear to express loneliness as if it would show that God hasn't truly satisfied me. Because He definitely has.
But if I dig deep enough, I can see those characteristics that seem to fit so well with another human being. I sincerely dislike the scars that have made me become used to the feeling of being undesired. That there is one thing about me that always creates a massive wall between me and every male in this world. Either I create the wall, or they create the wall. Either way, there is a wall. A stone wall. And it blocks everyone from entering into that special part of my heart. I always tell myself that maybe I'm one step away from what I long for. But after years go by, I begin to loathe that advice.
The beauty that God has placed in the idea of one man and one woman becoming some form or bond, a connection, and a perfect picture is somewhat becoming merely foreign to me. I see it in many places, how one complements the other, and two different people share something special. I see it in the many jobs I have of photographing weddings. I see it wasted in failing, selfish, fleshy relationships as well. I see it twisted in abusive relationships and ones that depend solely upon feelings that will eventually die off.
It's meant to be special for the idea of marriage to further the Kingdom of God, but the entire world is so drawn to it that they make every exception possible to use this form of bonding. Every human being has that hole in their heart that they try every day to fulfill. To be satisfied. To be loved. To feel needed. We all crave that because God purposely put that in us so that someday we could realize we need Him. No one is fully satisfied because everyone needs God. But we look for it in human beings. We look for it in the things around us. We look for it where we think it's easy. And we often fail to realize that only a divine fulfillment can fix the problem.
Until you're fully satisfied with God, you'll never understand the reason behind marriage and intimate relationships. You'll never be able to love properly and fully. You'll always lack that proper knowledge. God is faithful. He will make you feel whole. Just let Him work in your life.
