To Be Blown Away.

I honestly don't know how to properly explain how yesterday made me feel, but I will attempt to do so nonetheless.

He takes me on a plane and we fly to the beach where he pulls out sandwiches, chips, cheese, water, and a chocolate bar. I squeal at the chocolate because of how frequently I've spoken about it and insist on hugging him again right after he hands it to me. We sit down on the towel he provided and the beach is right by us as we enjoy our lunch. I'm still nearly speechless, forcing myself to express my happiness in any moment I was capable of uttering at least something affirming for him. But let's just say, I was nearly speechless half the time because of how many emotions were actually inside of me.

He was looking at me, searching for something, and every time I looked back at him I could hardly believe he did all of that for me. At first, no words came out and then eventually I couldn't tell what was coming out as he asked me, "Are you blown away?" Sometimes I wonder if he's aware that he's speaking to a girl who has never previously been pursued. He's already won me over, but it is gestures like these that remind me he isn't taking me for granted. That he's still trying to "blow me away" as if he needs to--and I am so glad he hasn't given up.

The act of pursuing is still so new to me, especially because it came after our relationship started. Our friendship taught me who he is and we got so very used to each other. When it turned into a relationship, there really wasn't the need for pursuing to win me over, but yet as time passed it's like I was still curious about it--like I still needed it to believe his intentions are real. Someone going out of their way to please me and make me happy is something I never quite got to feel. The feelings I received yesterday were even more new because he went over the top and his eyes looked at me as if he was asking, "Did I do good?" And all I could think for a while was why me? 

But I desperately want to believe for the first time in my life that I deserve this. The more he pursues, the more he tries, the more effort you puts forth, the more he does for me, the more I can believe and feel it's just for me. I see myself making progress and find myself crying alone in my car thinking about how good he is to me and how thankful to God I am that we've stuck through the tough times and enjoyed the rewards. I cry thanking God because I spent so many years saying I deserved this someday. With all my waiting and patience for something like this to happen, I could only hope I deserved it. It is time that shows me there is a very soft and kind spirit inside a very once-broken man. And as I get to know that very big heart of his, I feel so honored and special to, in a sense, bring that out of him.

Why me? is the best way I could describe what yesterday did for me. I found my joy not in the amount of money he must have spent, or the place we were at, but rather in the person who made it all come to be. I found my joy in his happiness to share that moment with me. I found my joy in his presence, that of all people in the world, he chose to do that for me. I found my joy in his excitement and I couldn't even put it into words when he looked at me and asked me, "Are you blown away?"

The truth is, I was very much so blown away by his heart. I was blown away by the after effects. The ones that come later when I take it all in. The feelings that came to me as I lay in bed that night thinking to myself I feel so very loved. I question, "Is this what it's like? Is this what being loved is like? Am I experiencing the real deal? Does he mean it?" My entire world before he came along turned into this brokenness in me, trying so hard to escape the fear of rejection. The healing that slowly came after that has been a long, drawn-out process. And I can only hope he knows that his effort is helping me believe again. It will indeed take time, but every step he takes toward me is valued.

I was blown away because he thought it all through and asked nothing of me but to be PRESENT. He only needed me to be there and accept the gift he bestowed upon me. Every step of the way throughout the day he looked for a reaction out of me, and I kept hoping he'd realize he's doing something very memorable for me. From the moment I saw him at church, to the moment I hugged him goodnight, there's no other person I would have wanted to enjoy that day with than him. His effort speaks volumes because so much is new to him--but so much is new to me!

This is no ordinary relationship and that's what I love most about it. I wouldn't want him any other way than the way he came! To put it simply...he's my favorite.

Why it Works.

There is definitely a part of me that I've kept so deep inside of me that people around me would never guess and yet it has remained so loud in my head. I've dealt with it in many, many ways, but I became so used to keeping it rooted deep inside myself. People only saw the very tip on the surface, but even then, they would have no idea. I've put on an image of who I long to be and wish to be and for the most part it played out very well. I stood up for my beliefs, I stood strong with my morals, I know my value and my worth--it really didn't affect anyone but myself.

And then my first relationship happened. My first real, more-than-friends, it-finally-happened, relationship. And all my values, beliefs, and the things I mentally prepared myself for were finally put to the test at nearly 25 years old. By this amount of years of waiting for a moment like that to happen, you can imagine how much knowledge I've managed to store in my head about what I believe a relationship will be like. And you can also imagine how terrifying it must be to realize that the guy I stood face to face with after all these years probably didn't raise himself the same as me. And you can also guess how incredibly awkward this would be for me.

But is it a bad awkward? Not so much. It's a story worth telling though about my journey in figuring out what works and what doesn't work about this way of growing. Sometimes I question this delay for myself. Why didn't anyone come along when I was 18, 19, 20 or 21 and allow me to begin this process? And I can very well ask God why it happened to me at 25. But it won't matter how many questions I ask because it won't change the truth about my story. This is me and this is what makes my life special and different than anyone else's.

You're probably wondering what that part of me that I kept deep is, but let's get some back story. I was always known as a fairly "innocent" and "pure" person. If considering the Bible, one could think, "What a good way to live." But to the world, I became a misfit. People censored themselves around me, I didn't stir up conversations about anything I was uncomfortable with, I didn't talk about certain things with family, and I got used to speaking the language I already knew. By language, I mean all the things in my vocabulary and all the categories on the "okay list."

My mom was a fairly private person and therefore my sister and I were raised to be the same. My dad didn't actually relate to two girls, so his influence was in other areas, not so much how it's like to become a woman, or what happens to the body as you grow. It really wasn't a problem in most of my life until I hit my twenties and I found myself a bit dumbfounded in group conversations about things I wasn't entirely educated on. I even find myself failing to write down specifics in this blog because of how reserved and private I grew up to be. To me, there were a few things in life I thought were only meant to be in the mind and not shared with the world.

But I was alone. And at 25, I started feeling more alone. Would I ever know if a certain bodily function was normal if I kept it private and told no one? Would I ever feel comfortable going to the doctor's if it required me to be examined in areas of my body I've learned to keep private from absolutely everyone but myself? Would I know if a feeling I received was normal? Would I be mad at myself for thinking about things that felt "wrong" just because my 5, 10, 15 year old self thought so? Where do I transition from the necessary innocence of my youth to the growth of my adulthood? What areas do I bring forth as worthy to talk about and what areas are okay to stay private?

The questions started hitting me. The research started helping me. Articles online, videos, chatting with a close friend and opening up for the first time--everything started making me realize that I no longer fit into the main crowd. I was still standing in my childhood room with the door shut and I found myself cracking it open and thinking, "Wait, why am I still here?"

Over the past few years, especially entering my twenties and returning to college, I started to recognize that people around me were already subtly judging me for my innocence and lack of openness toward certain subjects. They would make comments like, "Sorry, Stephanie, that you had to hear that." Or, "Sorry, Stephanie, your poor little innocent ears." And they had one thing right--you should be considerate of those around you. But they had one thing wrong--why aren't they questioning why it's fine for themselves, but not fine for me?

I had my reasonings and I'll briefly explain. I'd rather talk about things that last forever--like God, people, love, etc. I spent so much time with this on my mind that fitting into the world was last on my list. But somewhere during the time that I did grow up into my individual self with my individual beliefs (although highly influenced by my upbringing), I chose what was most important to me and I followed that belief and put it to practice. No one around me, no matter what age, was going to fear I'd say something "inappropriate" or "rude." They could trust that my speech and  behavior was family friendly. But still, no matter what, I was even more alone. Who lived their life this way anymore?

So this brings me back to my first relationship that has challenged me beyond measure to really share who I really am and I never knew it would actually be this hard. I worked on myself for many, many years of being single and I've never been put to the test to answer one simple question: Can I know you? And now, at nearly 4 months into a relationship with someone I met 3 years ago, I've learned that sharing who you really are is one of the hardest and most time-consuming things you could ever do when you actually care to do it right. When you're single, no one needs to know what's on your mind to figure out why you're so private. But when suddenly player two steps into the picture, everything changes and I question myself and realize that I can mentally prepare myself as much as I want and spent thousands of hours learning how to be someone for a future relationship, or how to become ready to be a wife someday but there is one thing you cannot prepare yourself for and that's physically. There is no telling how you'll actually feel when it actually happens and how you'll actually respond. And that's the base of this blog, a long one indeed, to share with you the journey I've endured so far.


I've rooted it deep down inside my soul on what physical touch means to me and what I imagine having someday in a marriage. All that people knew of me now was who I am as an individual who is not married. Most, if not all, of my friends had the basic knowledge of, "Oh, she's one to wait until marriage before having sex." And that's basically all they know. That's good enough for them to know, of course, but at the same time I've began to really see that this image they give of me leaves a lot of room for "fill-in-the-blanks" and that's basically what an average, normal human being in your life does. They fill in the blanks.

"Stephanie doesn't like PDA, so she must not like that sort of affection." The truth about this sentence is that I don't like watching others make it awkward for me, but the lie and filled in blank is that they might think I don't like that sort of affection. The truth to reveal that I would otherwise keep to myself is that I had never previously received that sort of attention and couldn't actually relate to dismiss it. Sure, it's still awkward if people decide to use public space for things that should be done privately, but most couples in public aren't trying to be put on display to disturb anyone. The psychology, in my opinion, behind their behavior in public is that they're proud of who they're with and they somehow want the world to know that--whether we want to know or not! And when that idea is the case, I was merely lacking to relate, but internally I would have loved to receive affection, even if not publicly.

I won't give any more examples of that, as I have much more to say, but you can imagine I've had plenty of assumptions made about me. The image drawn of me as being shy, reserved, or modest, was given to me because of who I chose to show on the outside mixed in with how I was raised and what I was raised around. I'm rather proud of myself for many of my decisions in life, but I've been somehow altered by the judgmental reviews along the way. A person's lack to dig deep and hear me out keeps me giving surface answers because if I opened up that door to them they would say something along the lines of, "Whoa! Stephanie! I never heard you speak like this!" Or, as I've received before, they would make a big deal over something that they believed I didn't know about. I'm not a puppet on display, and no one can decide what I can and cannot say--and I'm guilty for letting such behavior control how open or non-open I was. I was afraid to change my image.

In fear of changing my image, I kept most thoughts to myself. And then, as I've mentioned, my relationship I'm in right now challenged that part of me. But somehow, his personality and openness really does work with me. He challenges me so much, as hard as it might be on his part, and that is exactly what I needed to grow into someone more open about who I am and what I want. If he were just as private and reserved as me, we'd be two individuals with desires in our minds and hearts and yet no action being taken. But this young man is not shy to put action to his thoughts and it helps me feel hope--that my desires in my own head have someone else pulling and pulling to help me bring them to the surface.

Excuse me for my hesitancy and slow pace, but bless him for his patience. The deepest and most hidden thoughts have surrounded my conscious thinking and taken over so much so that I find them begging to be shared and set free and he helps me feel unashamed. Not that my thoughts are shameful, but that they clash with my younger, innocent mindset and image I was so very used to. Now that I am older, I have never actually had anyone challenge me in this way, as if to constantly be asking, "What are you thinking? What's on your mind? Why won't you tell me?" For any guys who wonder why we think so much, it's because a woman's mind never truly sleeps. And because of that, sometimes it's hard to know what comes out in verbal language and what stays hidden under in a very loud mind.

With all of this background information now placed out in the open, I'd like to continue explaining my journey of dealing with the inner thoughts of very private person. I'm curious of who could benefit from this story and who has endured a fairly similar journey, but I have some doubts that the numbers are even significant. Either way, I've got some secrets to tell that honestly no longer have to be secrets. Sure, I have my secrets like everyone else, and I also have private things I only share between close friends or family. But these "secrets" I'm referring to are most like things I never thought I had to share.

Although there is no need to be completely open in a blog, as I will do most of my opening up in person, I still felt it was good for me to write this down and share the struggles I've been through. It's not easy keeping things in your head and then one day feeling like you allowed your boyfriend to believe you don't want him because he can't hear a single thought in your head of what you actually want. Having the desires without the actions is like having nothing at all in the eyes of others.

So let's get a little deeper. I grew up believing sex came after marriage, and I still hold onto that fact because to me, sex is intimate and should be fully enjoyed with a person you're fully committed to. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, therefore I know I would like to be fully open, vulnerable, and give all of myself to the person who saw that I came at a high price and was willing to pay without trying to "get me on sale" or "test before buying." I'm a treasure, not a discount item and I also don't want to end up at the Goodwill store, used and devalued. I'm valuable. God made me this way and I recognize that.

But what about the waiting period? Is it easy? The only easy part about not being close or physical with anyone for the entire time I was single (we've established this was nearly 25 years of my life) is the fact that I never opened the door so I sort of never knew what I was missing out on. The hard part is becoming even more impatient the older I get and realizing that no one even knows the struggle I'm going through. I found it normal to keep it to myself--in fact, I didn't even think about the fact that I was doing it. But I was. And the louder my thoughts became, the harder it got.

Like most people on the planet, I do desire to be close and intimate with a significant other and my dreams have always contained marriage. In fact, I only mentally prepared myself for the idea of marriage, and within those walls contained all the things I looked forward to and was willing to wait on. This has caused a build up. A normal build up for those who tend to dream and wait on things, but a build up that went on far too long while I simultaneously endured rejection.

My rejection didn't come from putting myself out there and risking it--no. It came in a long, stretched-out journey of slowly falling in love with a friend. We had our boundaries, and I grew from age 17 to 21 getting to know him in just a friendship. Emotionally, I was on a rollercoaster ride and I taught myself how to love someone when they didn't quite love you the same  back. Because I learned this, I learned the beauty in unconditional love--a love God gives to everyone that doesn't choose  Him in return. I learned the pain in it all and how God's love is endless. It was a beautiful thing to learn, but also very critical to my heart.

With this rather broken heart, I physically distanced myself from this friend and we even stopped hugging. I knew how to love him anyway without physical touch. By the time I was 21, I finally lost those feelings and moved on from him, forgiving him for the things he didn't mean to cause in my life. My experience only contained loving, but not "touching," as so to speak. But I still knew that someday, someone would come along, and someday it would  be worth the wait. What I didn't know is how incredibly hard it would be to basically reverse the effect of learning how to not physically interact with a guy (besides friendly hugs) and allowing the love language of physical touch to be spoken.

Maybe others might think, "Why is it so hard for you to initiate with your boyfriend?" (For example, initiating cuddling, holding hands, a kiss, etc). And my honest response is, "I don't know!" But as I dig deeper into who I am, I see that the desires were never told to me that they're okay. In fact, they weren't okay at all in my life up until this first relationship. Which means, my natural behavior is to keep my hands to myself, and not cross boundaries. Having the knowledge that it's okay, that I'm in a relationship and that he wants me to be close and comfortable doesn't make my body language suddenly become fluent. But this also doesn't mean I don't want it or desire it anymore. I do desire it, just as I always have, but I have to slowly erase the thoughts and feelings I gained for about 7 years of my life staying physically distant. No guy has come into my life to say they want it from me, to say it's okay, up until recently. This means...it's finally time I can learn it's okay. It's finally time I can break that shell and fall into arms that will actually catch me.

But I am still left with my thoughts and desires in my head; to be near, to be close, and I failed to express them physically which means I must speak up and not be left so alone with my thoughts. Just like some people never learned French and then chose to learn, I never learned how to be in a relationship with a guy and now chose to learn. It's hard at first, it's awkward, you pronounce things wrong, come across the wrong way, give the wrong message, but in the end, you learn it. And then you can speak it well. And my heart has every desire to learn this language with him and speak it well. The more he and I learn, the better our communication. This analogy is the best I could give.

I am now learning how important physical touch actually is to me. I have fought off my desires to take hold of "his" hand or to embrace "him" when I was happy. For years and years, I have fought this all. Fighting it away was all I knew until my entire world was changed and suddenly my poor, shy, and hesitant behavior was seen as negative and hurtful and I've now woken up to realize that escaping my mind and teaching my body how to speak the language I want it to speak is extremely important to not only me, but the one I choose to love. I do ask him to understand my struggle, but I don't blame him for noticing and possibly feeling rejected at times.

Because this is happening at 25 years old, one can imagine how much build-up happened over the years. I could only dream and imagine what it'd be like to be close to someone. I always knew that someday I'd be physically close and intimate with my husband and it sounded beautiful and desirable. The dreams were crushed over and over, but I dreamt them up more and more no matter my circumstances because feeling physically close meant a lot to me. And even though all I knew was myself, I knew someday I'd have to let someone else know me. And I mean know me beyond the surface. And I wouldn't have to be shy or quiet about my thoughts, or feeling silly over them. I would tell him everything and we would be one--he would see me in my entirety as his own, the way I see myself, and I would see all of him the way he sees himself. We would just know each other.

This is so very important to me, to have that openness, to feel that comfort, to desire and be desired in return. I no longer want to stay silent and hide who I am on the inside like I did when I was younger. I want to be able to act out what I can only imagine, and feel okay with it. I no longer want to fear it's wrong, but feel confident that it's okay. We're all human, after all. We each go through similar feelings, similar wants, and similar hurts. It took a while for this day to come, but it did. I needed a push, someone to trust, and courage to finally say, "This is who I really am."

It's interesting to be in a relationship with someone who is almost on the entire opposite side of the spectrum in this area. But this is why it works for me. As he challenges me by pulling and pulling, I finally am able to work up the nerve to learn how to be comfortable with something out loud, instead of in my head. When we first got together, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to initiate the things I wanted to do or the things I wanted to talk about. It was never right for me and then suddenly I was supposed to feel it was and I couldn't feel that yet. I always dreamed of holding someone's hand, but I never reached for his until he surprised me and held mine.

I like to look back at the beginning of our relationship because I can see that shy, fearful girl begging to be set free and I see that confident, happy boy who somehow knew I needed him to pull me out from where I resided in for far too long. I asked him not to let me let go of his hand that day and he held on tighter. I guess I knew from the start he'd be my escape and he'd help open the door for me to experience what it's like to be held. Everyday I find more courage to speak out my thoughts with him and let him know when I still need his hand to pull me out even more. And when I see myself reaching over to hold him closer, I recognize the growth and I feel even more freedom.

I never got to really let myself enjoy someone else's company the way I am learning to enjoy his. The more I practice speaking the language, the easier it is to truly show him who I am and who I've been trying to explain all this time. The more I tell him, the more I open up, the happier his eyes become and the greater I feel. I'm thankful for his patience as I struggle to leave my shell. But the way he was made works so well with the struggles I've been through. Because he doesn't let me stay in my comfort zone.