I cannot say the words. They are the only things I hold back. I just cannot say them. They would explain everything, but yet I cannot let them leave my mouth. They have trapped themselves inside my overly protected heart and refuse to ever escape. I will commit the actions. I will imitate my thoughts. But those words--oh how I fear to share those words--they remain hidden deep inside.
It's very silly of me to automatically assume that the consequences will be the same. It's also very silly of me to allow myself to even half believe that history will be repeated in exactly the same manner. Nothing is quite the same anymore and one may think this is enough reason for me not to fear. But all I know is one way and that one way is all I see. If the words come out, I will shut down and run away.
I remember when I had the ability to let the words out. I spoke it, sung it, and put my little heart on the line shouting, "Speak!" I got so used to it, that even if I was afraid, I still spoke. I was used to the words that always came back. Those words that came back were faithful to return each and every single time that my own words departed into open honesty. They filled the empty space like perfume and back in my face came toxic.
I cried one too many tears each time those words left. I'd hold them in for months at a time and let them fly out like an exploding bomb. I thought this was dangerous and risky... But I got used to it. And that's the thing this time. I was used to it. I know very well how much it hurt to have those words practically shoved back into my face. My honesty was the most scariest thing to put out there in that open space. I put it in lyrics--they went ignored. I put it in a journal--it was returned with less than what I wished for. I put those words in metaphor--but it was never enough.
The words would never have been enough. It took me years to accept and finally understand that I sent forth those words to the wrong set of ears. They'd always come back to me, void or unaccepted. Maybe I'm thankful that they did, but it sure did leave me with the idea in mind--speaking those words will indeed end with heartbreak. Speaking those words is that one step to letting go and sometimes, I just don't think I want to let go.
If I hold these words in, I can endure longer. If I hold them in, I can hope more. If I hold them in, there is that possibility that my actions will speak loud enough for me to show me whether the words are worth it or not. Maybe if I hold them in, I can easily sneak myself out the door and run as far as I can. I'll run so far that no one can hear those words. No one can return them void.
And when I run, I'll look back in high hopes that the ears meant to hear such words will run after me and tell me to "speak." Maybe then I'll say those words. They'll leave my mouth like they were begging to be set free and float themselves into the perfect set of ears. These ears will accept these words as if they're medicine for the heart. These words will change their disbelief and mend their wounded and fearful heart. Maybe these words will be all that they were hoping for and I'll never run again.
