Dear Self.

Dear Self,

I feel like I must remind you of a few things because I'm aware of how far you've come from who you once were, and I'd really like you to remain on that path to bettering yourself. First of all, I must remind you of how very human and normal you are when it comes to your concerns, fears, and feelings. Fear happens, crying happens, and desires happen. Because of the fact that you're normal, you should also know that this gives you no reason to ever look down on yourself or be afraid.

Now, I know you're doing better now, but I would desire you to stay that way. Break away as best as you can from the old habits that tend to die hard. Eliminate the rude jokes, don't expect that of others, and be a fun but positive light to the people around you. Get your mind to consciously be aware of these things so that you know to treat people the beautiful way you'd want to be treated. God has placed in your life the people you need at this current moment in your life to help you with those things and I know you're thankful for that.

I also would like to remind you that you're beautiful! You care for people, you like giving people time, and you aim to fix yourself when you know there might be issues you're dealing with. You've grown so much in a year and you shine more often. Believe in yourself and trust that people love being your friend when they say so. You're never "too much" to your true friends because they enjoy you just the way you are. Remain considerate, keep working at things you dislike about your old habits, and smile often.

Also, having feelings is normal. Being nervous around someone you admire is normal. It's human. We are just made that way. It doesn't mean you'll get in trouble, or that they'll dislike you. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you or that you are in the wrong. It doesn't mean anything bad at all! It happens! Someone is going to come along in your life and sure, you'll be nervous, and they'll be great, but someone will come and they'll love you just the way you are. Whether you're nervous or not, you're normal. You're human. You're made with a heart and soul!

Don't forget these things. You're not that past Stephanie anymore. You're not sad. You're not drowning. You're not suffering. You're alive and you're on a better path now. God has taught you so much about unconditional love and He is now mending your wounds and healing some scars that needed healing. He is now showing you how much you're worth and how you've always been worth this. He's showing you true friendship in people and a lot of care because He knows how much you need it. And He loves you so very much that He has not forgotten you or abandoned you!

He's got your back and He's giving you a second chance to now see the beauty in what could have been another tough situation. This is how much He loves you. God has given you who you need to help fix the problems you once had.

You've got this. He's got this.

Sincerely,
Yourself.

My Second Chance.

I'm not entirely sure why I teared up as I walked away, but I did. I'm starting to become more and more convinced that God is giving me a second chance to do everything better. I'm noticing so much progress in me in which I don't fear reactions the way I used to and I don't treat myself as less than I am. I can pretend to make a sad face and I won't be hurt over it by an inconsiderate reaction. I took the hit in the past but the further I become from that time, the more I become a better person.

I made mistakes. A lot of them. It was the first time I found myself in the situation that I was in. He was the first male friend and only male friend for years. I never really interacted with any other guys, simply because I just never really knew them. I let my emotions get the best of me and I cried one too many times. For the record, my heart really hurt a lot. I went through more than I would have imagined, like losing a home, losing friends, and feeling alone a lot. I had nothing really to show for myself for many years.

But here I am finding myself tearing up over something entirely new yet entirely familiar. This time I question if God really is giving me a second chance to take what I've learned and eliminate the past mistakes. What other reason would there be for me to be placed in such a similar place? I'm finding that old Stephanie who loves giving gifts and making music for people show up in a friendship I was slightly afraid of. But I'm praying over it this time so that I won't spend the time in fear. So that I can let my true self come out and not be afraid of it.

I'm not entirely sure why I teared up as I walked away, but I did because I was happy. In that moment I knew I couldn't do to him what I've done before. I couldn't drag him into a sob story or act like he's done something wrong. I just couldn't and I just can't. He's too good of a person with too soft of a heart for me to place him as that part of my life. All I want is to let him be my friend so I can be his in return without blocking him out of fear. Yet at the same time I just don't want what happened to me before happen with him. He deserves so much more than that.

So maybe this really is God giving me a second chance. To have a friend that will treat me right in the areas I was once treated wrongly but at the same time I will have a friend who will treat me well in the same areas I once was treated well before. Because I admit, I miss that a lot. I miss having a friend like him, to be real with, to laugh with, and share differences with. His friendship is such a different influence than anything my female friends could give. He has been such a godsend and I just don't want to drag my past self into this wonderful new friendship.

I guess I cried because I was afraid of my past self. I was afraid she would come back. I really don't deserve him as a friend. I don't deserve him in my life. And yet I merely wish I can become good enough. And why this friendship? Because it feels like my second chance to make things better. To not blame him. To not drag him into depression. To not fear him. To trust God.




























God's got this.