We have come across a few bumps in the road. The bumps can be unnerving at first and uncomfortable. They can place fear in the mind that something is wrong. But what I'm now learning is these bumps happen from mistakes that are made and mistakes are made because that's how we actually learn the greatest things in life. I'm also learning how very common and normal these road bumps are. They're like a way of saying, "Slow down. Get to know this level, this area, this time. This path doesn't need to be taken at full speed." I see that there is no need to fear or be overwhelmed when you take God on your path. Just like you make a lot of mistakes when learning a new instrument or a new language, the same applies to learning how to pursue a relationship with someone.
My last seven years were spent feeling like I wasn't allowed to have feelings for someone. They were spent trying to "run" from that. If for seven years I felt hateful toward the ability to have desires for more with someone, then surely it would take quite a lengthy amount of time to reverse that effect. And was it my fault for becoming a person with this sort of brokenness? No, it wasn't. What happened just happened to me and God has chosen to use my story for good because I've given my life to Him. My worth is high because He has created me and although I suffered emotional pain for years due to unfortunate circumstances, He has placed in me the needed love and patience to tell a story no one else could tell. I am able to empathize in many emotional areas with others because this world is not perfect and no one will get through it without facing trials along the way.
But I have now accepted the invitation to dive deeper into the life of another human being. And now I see his natural behavior coming out and I see who he really is and it has come as a rather shock. But as I see this person come out more and more, I realize how deep the Father's love for us is. Because when this young man accidentally and unintentionally hurts my feelings, I want to fight for him even more and love him nonetheless. I want to solve our problems along the way, even if it gets overwhelming. I must understand how very new this is to me. Because the truth is...I've never been able to know someone this way. I've never seen what goes beyond friendship until now and I've never experienced what it's like to be loved and pursued in return.
The reality of the matter is that I only had an idea of it. I built up the idea with the books I read, the stories I heard, and the movies I've seen. We never do get to hear the struggles in relationships when they're still good. We tend to only hear the struggles in bad relationships that don't last. And we fail to understand that we as humans have the choice to love and fight for someone, or instead we can just "be ourselves" without learning how to love others. Loving someone and choosing to do so comes with great effort. It will NOT come naturally when we meet the "perfect" person because that sort of person will never exist except for in our heads when we imagine all the great qualities we've met in each person we've come across or read about. This allows the people of today to become lazy when it comes to relationships.
Someone might say, "Eh, I like to do this, I like to do that, I don't do this, I don't do that, I want this, I want that, and we just didn't work out." But a relationship isn't about what you want. It's about learning how to love someone else and understand what THEY need. And that's what makes it special and different than an acquaintance, family member, friend, or co-worker. If all you can do is think of yourself and what you want and need, then all you need is yourself. It's sad to say, but I believe people who aren't willing to become selfless are people that shouldn't pursue a committed relationship with anyone.
I am not afraid of the bumps in the road or the times we accidentally hurt each other's feelings. I am not afraid because as long as I choose to work it out and find a way that works and as long as he longs to do the same, then I truly believe that we are learning from each other and teaching each other how to love no matter what. We are helping each other think of the other and not be so stubborn in our own ways as a selfish person would be. We are growing to become so much more and what started off as a song full of mistakes played on the piano can turn into a masterpiece and wonderful melody if we only just have the patience to learn the song.
And that's what I've realized. I like the song we're learning because we're learning it together and nobody but us can sing it or play along. When troubles come our way, I must not forget to think of all the good things at the same time. Not just the bad when I am hurt, but the good when I forget. So here goes:
I like the way his eyes shine when he simply looks at me, as if he knows exactly what he's doing when our eyes meet. I like the way he is easily amazed and can laugh at my jokes even when I don't feel funny. I like when we pretend to fall asleep at random times or when he reacts to me playing dead. I like when he turns off the TV while we eat dinner so that the moment is more special with less distractions. I love when he holds my hand while he's driving, while we're in church, while we're at the movies, and while we're walking somewhere. I love when he holds me in a hug and tells me how much he enjoyed the day. I like that when I'm not feeling too happy, he'll still come over to me and wrap his arms around me if only for just a moment.
I love when he asks me what I'm thinking and when he doesn't give up on getting it out of me. I like when he's willing to talk about a problem so we can solve it rather than being silent. I like when he calls me randomly or asks how my day is going. I like when he plans out a day for us and makes it an adventure. I like laying next to him on the couch to watch a movie or show. I love how often he gives me many kisses, because even though I was never used to anyone getting that close to me or my face, I like that he's the one I experience that with now.
I like that he's not a morning person because he's quiet when he wakes and I'm perfectly content just smiling or whispering, "I had weird dreams..." and he'll say he had dreams too and I'll ask him to share. I love when he shares his dreams from the night before. I also love when he shares his dreams and goals in life and how he dreams big and not small. I love when he wears the shirts I bought him, but he looks good in anything, really. I love when the idea of a photo shoot excites him, because I can invite him into my world that I previously kept to myself. I love when he is clumsy and drops stuff on himself because it's cute, but also because it reminds me of my dad. I love that he has plans on getting a house someday and doesn't want to settle for less.
I love how willing he is to travel just about anywhere in the world. I like that he's so smart with what's going on in the world and our country. I like when he explains to me things I may not fully understand. I love when he sits next to me at the piano and encourages me to keep playing, especially when I mess up. I love when he gives me bear hugs and picks me up. I especially love when he speaks the words "I love you" at random moments, even if it's rare. I love that after we have a deep discussion, he'll tell me I'm amazing.
I love when he is amazed by me because I love him the way he is, and I simply pray I can show that even more as we continue to get to know each other.
So despite these unfortunate moments that are bound to happen in any new relationship, especially two people who are very new to it, there are still the very good moments that got me to agree in the first place. Every "argument" or "disagreement" is actually a new opportunity to learn how to love that person even more and in different ways. I am specifically learning how to love him according to his unique characteristics and attributes as a person. The more I know him, the more he becomes special to me because no one else is choosing to know him in this same way except me, allowing me to gain more power to either build or break him. And of course, I choose to build him.
It was rocky for a while, and it may still be rocky as we continue to learn. But I have a feeling that if we stick to it, it'll be worth it in the end because time tends to strengthen things. He's my favorite human being and I appreciate every ounce of effort he puts into our relationship. Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for. :)
