"Someday"

I had this sudden realization that I cannot actually picture myself with anyone. And by that I don't mean I think it'll never happen, but I just can't picture it. Sure, I can imagine myself standing next to a man, but it merely appears fake. It is fake, because such a picture doesn't exactly exist. This is probably the oddest realization I've ever admitted, but it's an interesting thought. Maybe it goes deeper. Maybe the truth is that I just cannot picture someone wanting to stand next to me. By that I mean I have never experienced someone wanting that.

And then I begin to only wish I could set my camera on a tripod and stand next to him. Whoever he would  be, I know he'd make the picture complete. He would smile and I would cherish the image. As much as I can't get myself to picture such a thing, I know that it will happen someday. And as sad as it is to repeat the word "someday" each time I dream this, I just don't want to be rid of my hope.

It's not that there is something wrong with me. I think I'm a very patient person, and I like to be happy, crazy, and make people laugh. My appearance must be okay that I can photograph myself and receive compliments (not that appearance determines much). I think I'm quite smart, but not in a prideful way. I don't actually think anything is wrong with me. I'm quite convinced that God just saved me all this time for someone I needed. I also think I'm capable of a relationship. I've observed many, and learned the concept of unconditional love. I know I'm able to love someone even if they don't love me back--that must say something!

I'm not sure how ready I really am, how would I know? But I can still picture myself getting married, taking care of a home, a husband, and eventually children. It's a dream, after all. I would want at least one son, and one daughter. I would raise them to know God and the importance of love. In fact, the idea of cooking dinner for a husband makes me feel happy inside. I often feel anxious for such a life. It has been my biggest dream, after all. I would love to decorate a home, organize it, and take care of it.

I guess I'm just waiting for the day that a man comes and desires to rescue me. I'm waiting for that day God guides him to my heart. My hope remains that God will grow me into the person he needs, desires, and longs for. I don't know when that day will be, but I can only dream that it is not too far. I'm still waiting in complete purity. He's that worth it.

Confessions of the Grieving

Confessions of the Grieving

I can’t seem to get myself to be in this world. Any sort of connection to reality causes my mind to immediately run. I don’t know who I want to be around, nor do I know what I want to do. I want to abscond yet I feel stuck. I’ve lost my motivation somewhere in the sea of emotions and all I want to do is just drown in it. Am I even screaming?

I didn’t predict this, nor want this. But I can’t catch up with the present time and I’m growing too tired to try. I find myself wanting things I cannot have, desiring things I cannot do, and longing for someone I’m not with. Each hour that passes allows it all to make less and less sense. Here I am fighting my own mind, battling within my own heart. Is it mourning, grieving, depression? None of that is even familiar to me. I feel like I’ve been here before but this time people believe I’m normal.

What is it that I want? I can’t even feel anything. Who will I listen to if someone talks? I’m falling behind, day by day, and I’m losing the inspiration to do great things. I’m losing myself within seconds and it’s eating the life out of me. But this time I don’t even have the desire to fight back. I was doing incredibly fine until this wave crashed over me. Now I simply feel like I’m drowning and that the right person isn’t here.

Who is the right person? I don’t even know. I’m looking around, silently begging for help, as if a particular face is to come. As if I’m seeking a particular answer and won’t know what it is until I have it. Meanwhile I am dying alive and only time will heal this wound. Time, because I need it. Time, because it’s the alternative to a miracle. Time, because nothing else is working.

I pray now that God would send me an angel, a Helper, and His unending love. I pray now that I’ll come out of this dark hole and see the light at the end of this tunnel. I pray now that there will be a solution, that I will not become overwhelmed for too long. My only hope is with God. I just lost the strength to have any need of wanting to continue on. I’ve lost my hope as if it was stolen from me. I’ve lost a sense of love as if I forgot what it feels like.

God is Doing Great Things.

I have this need to write, but I don't exactly have any sort of content that can be discussed. So here I am, alone in my apartment, attempting to write anyway. I feel like whatever I hold inside of me is capable of creeping its way out of my fingertips, therefore I write. It's a way I release my feelings and, well, it feels good. I tend to write a lot. I have a very active mind, after all.

Today I was speaking with one of my roommates who opened up about some past issues, fears, rejection, and such. It reminded me a bit of my fears I overcame. I highly hoped that maybe I could gift her some hope. God has placed inside of me a dire need to encourage people. I have desires to watch lives become saved, hearts become healed, and relationships become restored. I often wonder where exactly God will take me. But I know that He has given me a story to tell and I'm quite sure He's asking me to speak it out. There is something about the way my life was orchestrated that causes me to wonder what God is really doing.

This place that I'm at now in life is incredible. If I allow myself to look around me, to remember my past and compare it to who I am today, I get this incredible sense of awe. The days that I patiently waited for change have been paying off and here I am as a new person. I learned to have patience, how to love unconditionally, and how to have real faith. There is no other way to explain how I got to my current location than to say God brought me here.

God surprised me. He used the perfect plan to heal my heart, increase my faith, and bring me here. I honestly couldn't be more thankful. I can see Him now moving me into the next season. To be honest, I'm really excited for it. I'm like a child on the night before Christmas, eagerly awaiting that moment they can open their gifts. God has some new gifts coming, and I'm ready to receive them. There may be more to do, but so far His lessons have been totally worth it.

Pouring it Out.

I began to question myself and question God which led to weeping. I wanted to just cry it out and hold nothing in. But I couldn't understand what I was even holding in. So perhaps if I let it out in tear drops, maybe I could see what was dwelling within. What I found was a mixture of things as the silent words left my mouth. I wept and wept as the water from my shower poured over me. I just sat there and let it out.

My questions went much like this: Why can't I concentrate? Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me? As these questions came out the answers began to form. Suddenly I feel the lamentation come out of me and my grieving begins again. I lost the man in my life who believed in my big dreams when no one else did. I lost the man who was overly proud of me. I lost the man who thought I was beautiful no matter what. And I took forever to realize he was that man all along. I learned how much he impacted me when it was too late.

I began to think of how happy he was at the thought of visiting me at my school. I cry because I wish I could see him come here, in awe of where God placed me. I do believe he's in a better place now, but my heart has this dire need to see him one more time. Yet I can't. And I know I can't. And here I am, missing that person who believed I could do anything. I won't dwell on what I lacked to do for him, but I surely wish I could have one more chance to show him how much I appreciated his faith in me.

Now I pray that God gives me hope nonetheless. I feel He has been guiding all the right people into my life by unfathomable happenstances. There have been people calling me an inspiration, friends claiming I'm a great person, and I'm finally starting to feel that way. Not in a prideful way, but in a very comforting way. I can also tell God is building my confidence. But I want to go back to being able to focus. I want to feel okay again. I want to keep believing these compliments. I want to build up these new friendships and spread my faith. I want someone to believe in me the way my dad did.

Disconnected From the World.

What does it mean to suddenly feel disconnected from the world around you? I could be completely fine, and then suddenly it's hard to focus. I physically walk alone and all I can wish for is some form of hope. God tends to give it to me in one way or another, but I'm not often sure what leads me to that disconnection in the first place. Is it a deeper yearning in me? Is it my mind subconsciously grieving over the current loss of my dad? And yet once a human being is around me and I'm in communication, I suddenly feel okay again. Like I've connected myself to something--someone--in the world around me. Suddenly I'm able to somewhat focus again.

This doesn't help in my school work though. I'm slowly but surely trying to make my way back into the present. But it's going a lot slower than I thought. I feel like procrastinating and just sleeping instead. I feel like the enemy wants me to fall back into my old ways, and I don't want to give in to that. I'm praying to have hope and strength, to keep my dreams going. I'm a dreamer, living it out loud, and I cannot give in to these hopeless feelings.

But then when I least expect it, God brings along what seems to be the perfect answer. I'm right back on my feet again, somehow, with hope. As if I have another reason to keep going. To stay inspired. Something that makes me want to smile despite my circumstances. I can't figure out what disconnects me from the world, but being brought back down by that little glimpse of hope is...well, my only hope getting through this time. I need to be connected again. I need to find my confidence. I need to stay inspired.

What does it mean to suddenly feel disconnected from the world around you? Maybe it means God is calling you to listen.