I wonder what sort of joy and happiness could be in proportion to the years of off and on pain and heartache. I wonder what "greater things have yet to come" after the years of never quite feeling it has come. I wonder if it's possible to also feel that joy and temporary happiness for a longer period of time than what I am used to. If I spent years fighting, searching, and yearning, then a day of happiness stands no match to fight off those years. What could possibly make up for it all?
And this is what I pray, even if just silently, almost every day. Every time I look up at the sky when I am alone it's like this unspoken prayer goes up into Heaven and I accept yet again where I now stand. I look back and wonder how my life could have turned out the way it has. So many unfortunate happenstances and this prolonged sulk that I too often fought away. But I've come to this silent point where I've run out of energy to fight. There are nights I stare up at the stars and the moon and I whisper to God what it is I'm longing for. I question Him what is going on in my heart and why is it that I cannot feel happy.
This is why I wonder now what joy could come along and how long will it take? I watch television shows and get sucked into the story and attached to the characters now because I get to live a more exciting, adventurous life through them. I realize how lost I get in such a non-existent world and feel even more pathetic. I think about what choices I could have made to change all of this and I fail to understand. I feel so incredibly alone in all of my decisions, as if I don't live a life anyone else would be happy to join along in. There are individuals I'd love to be around to feel better with, but they now reside miles and miles away from me, and I have to accept the "loss."
I am tired, and I am admitting how incredibly tired I am from fighting all of these emotions away. I keep thinking I'm letting go and giving it all to God, and after another year goes by, I feel like nothing was ever accomplished except more pain and sorrow. When a new smiling face comes along and I feel like I am no longer alone, I get to witness their departure and I wonder who is worth holding on to. I never mean to sound so negative and I never mean to sound so alone, but after about 7 years of experience such similar feelings and disatisfaction, I can't help but wonder as a Christian why I can't seem to grasp a happiness with God.
My joy with Him has come and gone, and yet He's the only One to keep me sane. He's my refuge and strength, and yet I feel like it's a dying relationship because my idea of a proper "relationship" is nothing I'm experiencing in real life. I have this poor image of what friendship is now and this poor image of everything concerning people. I have family at home that I parted from to pursue an education and now have the hardest time saying goodbye when I leave after a visit. This is because I've failed to fit into this world of mine and now I just feel so alone. Anyone who passes me by or strikes up a conversation causes anxiety and stress at times because there is a distance with everyone I know. It's as if I've lost the ability to grow with anyone, create a bond, and know them.
I came to this place with eagerness to make friends, and friends definitely came. But they left as well, and now that I've seen the pattern, I've lost all ability to create friendships the way I used to. But then I think that there is a root to the all this pain, that there is a hidden and embedded reason as to why I've become this hard, this hurt, and this shut down. I understand that the rooted pain stems from past friendships that I watch deteriorate because of my strong and stubborn decision to love. Love is the most beautiful decision and yet the hardest decision. Because when they do not love that same way in return, it tears out a huge part of me and lasts for many years afterwards.
I sit here, not nearly over the love I chose to give to an unlikely character in my life, and I have this undying need to just sulk until it goes away. I put it off and put it off until I'm lying in bed at night, sighing and wondering what on earth my heart is trying to say to me. I am told that someone will come along and love me the way I deserve it and I beg God to just let me feel that loved now, today, even if just internally by Him. I want to see acts of God in my life and yet I can't seem to recognize any of it at times. How could I be told I deserve such love when I clearly do not and I clearly do not receive it? I regret to sound this pathetic, but I'm tired of lying to people around me when I pretend I'm okay.
