Solitude: Day Three.

Spending more solitude time with God started off really rough, as I mentioned in my previous two blogs. It hasn't gotten easier, but it's an interesting time in my life. It's interesting because for the first time in quite a while, I cannot hear God nor feel Him. It's as if I'm going based off of habit, assuming that God is with me and believing even when I cannot see Him, feel Him, nor hear Him. It is one of the scariest feelings I've ever actually felt, and I'm not quite sure how to properly deal with this besides prayer.

Day three went okay (I am writing this a day later). I missed my classes again because of how off my mind is. I think I need this week to sort this out, but I'm still lost as to how this is going to end. During my day I ran into one friend who talked a little bit with me about what's been going on. When we parted, he gave me a hug for the first time and it served as a reminder that no matter what, no matter how far I feel from the world, the friends I have do care deeply.

It is more normal for me to have a revelation, get a sudden dose of hope, and get right back up on my feet. It is the most common answer each time I faced fear. Although I cannot feel that now, and it is taking me a while to accept reality, I am determined to keep my trust in God and do whatever I can to get through this. I've always held so much faith in everything that I went through. I can recall the years I spent truly believing in what seemed impossible to others. The hardest part now is picking myself back up and continuing on as if I still believe. Because to  be honest, I'm not sure what to believe at the moment.

The years I spent in off and on agony have scarred me enough to take this long to still feel them and fight them. It has been well over 2 years since I took on such a fight and I'm now battling all over again. My heart is too big and too fragile that I continuously tell God I can't do this anymore. I find myself at a total surrender lately and when I sit to talk with God, I quickly fade away. I'm convinced there is purpose behind this though. I refuse to believe that He has abandoned me because in His word, He says He will never leave nor forsake me. In my weakness, I know He is strong. He is the reason I can still breathe, I can still function, and the reason I can still believe in at least something changing soon.

To end my day three, I attended chapel with one of my closest friends and on our walk there, I told him how I haven't been well. I could only manage to share a portion of what I understand is happening, but even then, I couldn't explain it enough. I have a mixture of thoughts, a mixture of fear, and a mixture of feelings. I keep thinking that this is going to cause me to lose him because I'm going to walk away. Not even because he will walk away, but because I would walk away. Out of fear, I would flee and leave him as if to run from everything so that I never had to risk my heart again. This has unexpectedly become reality for me and I'm trying so hard to figure it out and not drag him down with me.

None of this is anyone's fault. I see all of my friends with care in their eyes and I only want to keep this between God and me. Although the truth is leaking, I know that in the end I will feel stronger. At least, this is where I put my hope. It is so easy to question myself, "Will I ever overcome this? Will this always bother me?" The root of my fear is something that has never been proved wrong. It is something that now haunts me in my dreams, causes anxiety, and sucks me dry when I think about it. This is the reality of spending all these years never understanding why I have that ability to love nonetheless and risk everything in hopes that it won't hurt someday.

I pray that God will return to me. I pray that I can feel Him again. I pray that He can take this fear away. I'm not sure how long I can endure, but I trust that He is there, even when it doesn't feel that way. I cling too much to my dream. I don't know how not to. It feels like the same thing has been attacking me ever since I turned 18. It's been about six years since I haven't fought what I now fight. I'm not sure what God is doing. I'm not sure how He can use this for good. But I hope and pray He will.

Solitude: Day Two.

This day possible marks the worst day. I wish I didn't have to say that, but it's true. It started off in tears while my heart became fearful. I still got ready for class and grabbed my backpack before heading off to campus. Once I got near the trolley stop, I ignored it and continued to walk because I was early and I needed the solitude of walking. I kept feeling like tearing up, feeling afraid, feeling attacked. As I walked and got close to the further campus, I began to question whether I should actually attend class or solve what's going on inside of me.

By the time I got there, I tried contacting my mom and sister to feel better. I sent myself a voice message note to talk it out as well, and then gave up on actually attending class. I eventually talk with my mom on the phone as she attempts to lift me up and encourage me. I get on the trolley and head back home. At this point, I really want to escape to my actual home with my mom and sister. I felt disconnected to everything here. In fact, it was the scariest feeling to have.

I tried to use up this alone time to speak to God, to figure out what a solution could be. I began to realize that I could not feel God at all. I felt like He abandoned me in my situation that I struggled with and left me to fend for myself. I couldn't believe this of Him though, so I tried to ignore such thoughts and trust that something would happen. Only time could tell at this point. Once I got back to my apartment, the tears came streaming down my face and my heart physically felt unwell. How could this be happening to me?

I wanted to go home immediately. I wanted to unite with my mother and sister and be somewhere with people that have known me my whole life. These are the people who have never left me and I wanted to just be there with them because I felt so far away. I needed something more familiar, something or someone that ran deeper than the friendships I had made. Was I being attacked? Was something trying to bring me down so deep to merely suffocate me? How could this have happened mid-semester? I knew school wasn't the issue. My homework load was light compared to everyone else's. I had no midterms coming up. School was not the problem--yet I wish it was.

This fear and anxiety that hit me is real. I had to choose to fight it constantly and not give up, hoping and praying that God was somewhere out there, even if I couldn't feel Him. I took a lot of walks throughout this day. I walked everywhere I needed to go and saw two female friends when I didn't want to be alone. When I was calming down, I managed to take my journal out to the benches in my apartment complex area and write out everything going on in my head. Writing is always therapeutic for me, but so is sitting outside.

Whilst outside, a familiar face came along and this guy asked me how I was doing. I replied with honesty that I wasn't doing that well. He came over and was understanding, thinking it was schoolwork. I explained it was internal, but that I'm just taking it one minute at a time. He offers to pray for me and places his arm around me and speaks out a prayer that lifted my spirits in that moment. It felt like God showed up to remind me that He loves me and that He has not left me. Because this man had no idea what I was actually going through, his words felt like it was God Himself speaking to my heart. It made such a large difference for this guy to come up and offer prayer. Now I pray that God blesses him beyond measure because of his obedience.

The rest of the night I spent remaining calm. No more crying, decreased amount of fear, and hoping to Skype with my mom so I could see her. I missed all my classes unfortunately, but I needed to sort this out. I needed to give myself the time to breathe and continue praying. It was almost like the grief I dealt with a year in advance upon losing my dad. And although my grieving has come to a very controllable state over that, I knew that any fear that could hit me also made me wish my dad was still around.

It is crazy to think that deep and intense fear inside of us can be triggered by such tiny things. It's crazy to think that this could happen out of the blue and that we as humans could become so afraid that the entire world around us changes. It's hard to feel okay, happiness seems like its miles away, and no matter what people say, you can't feel anything good until that time passes. I can't seem to conquer this part of me, and yet I try. I have fought for years over my emotions, my feelings, my life in general. I've taken such huge risks because my heart is so big it wants to accomplish the greatest things. It wants to love the unloveable and then some. And that's the hardest part.

The closer you get to anyone, the more you risk. And the more you risk, the greater the fear becomes. And one day it might try to eat you alive and tear you down. Has God abandoned me? I do not think so. I think the fear tried to blind me from Him and close my ears to His voice. I knew only God could get me out of this pit and calling on Him is what I would do no matter how far He seemed. I have this fear of losing the people I hold close, but mainly of growing close to someone I would eventually lose to someone else. I want to hold on and yet I'm incredibly afraid of making the wrong choice. And this is what I give up to God.

For day two of attempting to practice solitude, I was definitely informed of what is going on in my heart. There is a battle. A very heavy and intense battle and it scared me quite deeply. But I pray that God will take over, make a way, and clear this fear in me. That He will open my eyes to the beauty and solution He has for me. I may not know what that is, but I do know that He has been there for me before and He is the same God who will be there for me now. As scary as it was to face this unexpected attack...I have a feeling that God will use this for good. I may have been knocked down, but I'm not dead.

Solitude: Day One.

Day One of Solitude

Last night I decided to really embrace the idea of solitude, thanks to a message I heard from my Resident Advisor. The idea of this discipline honestly came at the perfect timing. To be honest, I was avoiding being alone. This allowed me to spend an excessive amount of hours with a friend or two. And although those hours spent allowed me to grow a deeper friendship with them, I was slowly missing out on God and myself.

When I ended up alone, I immediately felt like I had to find someone, something, or anything to get me away from that alone time. I wasn't thinking about enjoying it, I was thinking about needing someone to see and talk to. I started getting used to calling on a particular friend, letting him visit me or I visit him at any available time we had. It almost became habit. Yet in the end, as of last night, I felt incredibly empty. As if something was missing and all I could think to do was crave home and want to be somewhere more familiar and comfortable. I wanted to escape this life here for a bit. But the question was simply, "Why?"

Today I embraced this solitude idea and allowed myself to be alone when I was able. I had lunch with my old roommate that was already previously planned, but it was perfect timing as well. One thing I noticed lately was I missed having "sisters" around. I missed that female bond that I was slowly but surely starving myself of. I lost so many close bonds that I stopped trying so hard to call out on anyone. My male friends are great, respectful, and amazing listeners. But they can never fulfill that part of me that needs a sister to sit there next to me and rub my back to say, "I know exactly how you feel." 

Each time I was alone, I either talked to God, or just looked around at everything surrounding me. I let my inner thoughts help reveal what might be hidden inside of me. I haven't yet discovered what God intends to show me, but today He definitely helped me understand this importance of solitude. To help me start off this week of this particular discipline, I also met with a campus pastor who has known me for a bit over a year now. He pointed things out that he noticed I was saying, and affirmed that my thoughts and feelings are normal. He also affirmed that I seem to be handling this time in my life quite well. I guess I always know what to say to myself, even if I lack to listen at times.

Meeting with this pastor helps me. I guess you could say he's the closest person I have to a "father figure" in my life now. His prayers and occasional calls make me feel important, and I've learned that as a young female, we have this intense longing to be "wanted" and to feel valued. I think I've looked far too down on myself over how women long to be treated. I guess I have a hard time feeling like I deserve to be served. When any men in my life are considerate and generous to me, I feel like I shouldn't accept that behaviour, as if I'm "prideful" or "selfish." 

I know why this thought comes to mind. There are women in the world with high expectations and men who can't meet those expectations. In fact, the other day I was with a friend and he helped me get groceries. When we arrived to drop off my bags at my apartment, he said he would leave me all the light bags. The moment any guy takes my physical weakness into consideration as a pure kind and considerate act, I have the hardest time believing it's perfectly okay. Would he even know that something so tiny like that meant the world to someone like me? Sure, I hid this behaviour with a joking response by looking at him as if he was implying I'm weak. But the truth of the matter was that I was incredibly thankful he was willing to take a load off my shoulder and take the heavier bags.

I won't prolong my reflections of the day any longer with these side stories, but after this one day of beginning solitude, I'd say I'm already checking what's going on inside of me. I have a longing to be "wanted" and "needed" and I'm convinced that God simply made women this way. We are meant to be "lifesavers," "helpers," or perhaps I should say an ezer kenegdo. When anyone asks me what my biggest dream is, only one thought comes to mind. To be a wife. The idea of supporting someone until the end excites me! I guess you could say it's what makes college hard. Because I'm not majoring in becoming a wife... I'm majoring in Cinematic Arts and hoping it gets me somewhere. A job someday isn't my happiness though.

Some reflections of my day whilst being alone include realizing that God truly made us into relational people. I think that the world is starting to reveal this idea of "if you're not in a relationship with someone, you need to learn how to be happy on your own." And yet we have a God who clearly saw how the first man on earth recognized LONELINESS. Without another human being on this earth, our lives would be pointless. God is relational! God intends relationships! We are perfectly normal to long for close and intimate relationships. The first thing I believe that each single person needs to recognize is that it is healthy to long for companionship. And that's what my pastor today revealed to me. He helped me feel good when I shared that I've always wanted a best friend who stayed in my life. I now have no idea what a true best friend is. But I long for it and I think God understands this as the way we were made. I simply pray He provides such a best friend.

The last major thing I saw within me happened earlier tonight. I was walking on my own to the store when I was reminded of an old but familiar fear. With any close relationship I ever develop in friends always comes that little yet massive fear that I might lose them. And if they play a big part in my life, it's one scary feeling. I don't even have to believe that I will lose them. But the idea of it reminds me that the people I have once held close have now moved on. Are these loose connections? I am not sure. But the tears will come at that one thought: what if they won't stay long? 

My prayers for this week now include everything revealed to me yet again today, and that I can understand what God is trying to say to me. I hope that this week, as I spend most of my days finding solitude with God, I learn the importance of who I am and who God made me to be. I also pray that He guides me out of these unfortunate feelings and grants me hope. I've noticed a lack in happiness, so I pray that God brings me joy. I pray that after this week, I can embrace close friendships for what they are, and enjoy them without the fear of losing them. God is a God who provides what we need when we need it. God is a God of surprises. God is love. God is good. God's got this.

A Burden Lifted.

I believe that burdens are capable of blinding us from the actual truth. And because they can blind us, we can miss out on the beauty that God sets before us. I definitely experienced how utterly awful it can feel to let things build up so high that you can't breathe. In the end, I knew it was my fault, but I couldn't have learned this lesson any better any other way. In a sense, I am thankful and glad that God used my built burden for His good.

Out of fear--a fear so intense that it practically controlled me as a whole--I chose to bottle up my feelings and almost pretend they meant nothing. And I did this to my best friend. The closer I let myself get to him, the more I feared that I would ruin it all if I told him everything that went on inside of me. All I could see were bad memories, the same response, and my fear staring me in the face. It consumed me so much so that I found myself crying out to God yesterday morning for the first time in a while.

It wasn't one of those typical cries. Plus, I've hardly cried in the past few months. When I do cry, it's brief, or has something to do with my dad. But this time, it was cry out of fear. It was one of those cries where you are able to see how incredibly scared you actually are. And that was me. So afraid that I had to let it out to my God to simply say, "Please, I cannot do this to myself. Please help me." It hurt so bad in that moment yet felt so good to pour it out in that shower, as if the water represented God's love pouring down on me to cleanse me.

That same day I decided it was time I released this burden, faced my fear, and took God with me. I was entirely nervous to reveal my inner most being to my best friend, but I needed him to know that I don't want to hide how I truly feel, what I truly believe, and how much I've truly come to love him as a being and friend.

At first I shut down as he asked what I wanted to say. Perhaps for a split second I saw every bad experience from my past. All those moments I chose to spill my heart out only to be told, "I don't know what to say... I'm never going to feel that way for you." Or the words that were once told to me, "I'm never going to wake up and realize that I love you." I stuck around at that time, I went ahead and befriended a person that I accidentally grew attached to and I had no idea how to let go. But when I did, it took a divine intervention.

In that moment that I instead handed that one special person my letter of truth, I could only remember how awful it felt to be honest in the past. But he was worth it. I couldn't keep pretending like I was fine and lying to him. As he read my words on the paper, I sat there trying to remain strong and calm, trusting that God is involved, that God is behind this, and that God's got this. As I sat there, I glanced at him a few times only to find him smiling while reading it. It calmed me as I waited though.

His response in that moment was enough. He said my honesty wouldn't change things, and although I was confused as to how it all made him feel, he somehow left me with hope. That it's going to be okay this time. That together we will work on the things we struggle with, and that I still have him. I still have him to learn from and to help. I still have him around to break our walls together, and I still have him around to laugh with.

I left that day with the heaviest burden lifted off my shoulders and it was possibly one of the best feelings I've experienced after taking a risk to be vulnerable about my feelings and desires. I didn't feel rejected in any way. I felt understood. I felt like maybe he and I were simply at the same level. Not ready for the next step, but aware of our current issues to work towards it. Because whatever is to come, I know to trust that God is already there. And for now, that is enough.