My Fragile Heart.

Sometimes I feel like a fragile being, as if I'm glass. Ultimately I should be handled with care, but the dangers in this world threaten me. I feel that way because I have this unfortunate fear attempting to build a home inside my heart. Daily I fight it, if only just to live a moment without it. I see myself as a soft and gentle spirit, yet a shy and hesitant soul. There are some dreams I dream that seems so out of reach because I have no idea if I should dream them Yet I do.

Often times it's as if I'm paranoid, thinking I might be doing the wrong thing again. I'm distant at times and I feel so hesitant to fully be myself around male friends, afraid I might get attached again. And it's not the "attached" part I'm afraid of, it's the unrequited attachment I'm afraid of. By that I mean I'm most afraid of befriending someone I'll never marry and falling ever so gently in love. This means that I'm also afraid to even love fully again, as if I'm putting my heart on the line for no reason. If I don't try, I won't fail--says the fear, of course. Yet I know that if I don't try again, I lose the possibility of acceptance. 

It is a risk worth taking, but the scariest risk of my life. I have built up so much love in me, and I have this dire need to give out this love. And yet I'm so afraid, telling myself constantly to fear not. I remind myself on quite the daily basis that God is with me. I can trust Him with my life and my heart and I do not need to fear anything. But my heart is screaming at me, begging me not to attach in any way to someone who might shut a door on it and never invite it in.

All I want lately is for it to all go away--the fear, the lies, the paranoia. I keep thinking that without it I may live a normal life and not wonder constantly, "Is this someone who will be just a friend?" But this is what happened to me, after many years of fighting feelings, I'm now angry at my ability to feel. And yet it's the strongest part of me, and possibly the best part of me. The fact that I have the ability to love someone in their darkest hours, or love when they don't deserve it. It's the best quality I even own and I'm running from it. It's the hardest thing to even accept of myself because I'm fully aware that I have that gift.

Even as I run, I know I'm running right into it. I'm running straight into what I'm afraid of and I know this of myself. I know that my heart will love anyway and I know it'll always forgive. I almost dislike that it always goes against my mind. It makes me feel fragile, vulnerable, and small. It believes that one day I'm going to put my heart on the line and a hero is going to save me from my past fear and prove to me he's different. It believes that because I inevitably encourage my own self, no matter how strong the fear is. I can't help but search for the light at the end of the tunnel, fully  believing that there is an end to this.

I'm walking forward with a tear waiting to fall, and a heart waiting to explode. But I'm moving. With God, I need not fear. With God, there is nothing to fear. With God, I am on my way to greater things. It's just a matter of time that I will break this fear and feel freedom again. My greatest regret would be lacking to love because of it. Therefore I know I must truly look to God, face my fears by trusting Him, and love anyway. God's got this!

2013 in a Nutshell.

God started my year off with something like this, "Go out and find out what I have for you. Have courage. Have faith. Just go." I ended up on a bus to Southern California thinking to myself, "I have no idea what God could do, but I'm excited for it. Anything could happen." I ended up instead meeting a new friend who pointed me straight to God and spoke life into me. I didn't really know the effects of meeting him until later though. It took weeks and eventually months to discover what God was really saying to me. Eventually God began to end the year with the process of eliminating my fears. His last message of the year so far has come to me like this, "I'm bringing you joy, no need to fear."

God has given me every reason why not to fear anymore. He's helping me place the past fully behind me and is teaching me to trust Him all over again. He's teaching me the importance of loving beyond fears, and helping me remember why it's worth it. Not to mention He has placed in my life some amazing people who are helping me grow daily. He's giving me people I need, listening ears, and people I can learn from. He never leaves me alone and never stops loving me.

This year went sort of something like this: Go out, be bold, discover wounds, be broken, get fixed, become healed, accomplish a dream, do the impossible, experience acceptance (into APU), move out, stop running from things, lose a loved one, discover what matters and who matters most, get back up, keep going, find hope, face fears, love again, and DO NOT FEAR.

2013 in a nutshell. I couldn't have asked for a more adventurous year. 2014 is nearing and I'm happy for it. It seems like it'll be a year full of new hope. At least, that's my guess. :)

Past Scars.

I guess I would have never thought at the time that it would affect me the way it does now. I'm learning how to let these scars heal, but they're definitely making themselves known. Each time I come remotely close to a similar setting as something in the past, I feel as though I expect it to go a certain way. It's comforting to know it is not that way anymore, but yet I'm still somewhat broken. Thankfully my brokenness has been bandaged and it's merely time with consistent building that is able to heal me of it.

You see, he wasn't a bad friend. He was good to me. But he had this way of joking and teasing me. For the most part, I tolerated it. In fact, I ignored half of it and "took the hit." There were times that he would give me a glare and say something rude or inappropriate. I learned to just take it as a joke. It didn't matter if it hurt my feelings, he just assumed it shouldn't. After enough of this silent non-intentional abuse, there was a lot of building to do to bring me  back up again.

Now, I'm not talking down on him. But sadly I can see now how afraid it made me. I learned to watch my behavior around him more than necessary. Not that I had bad behavior, because I didn't. But that I might annoy him if I'm too happy and he's not. Or perhaps I would annoy him if I wanted to do a certain thing and he wanted to do his own thing. For the most part, I always let him choose and I always let him lead. I was fine with him leading, yet afraid of being honest with how he'd make me feel if something ever hurt me. I learned to ignore a lot of myself around him. I suppose it helped me become less selfish. In fact, I was always the most giving around him.

His friendship really tested my ability to love. We disagreed on a lot of morals and ways of living. We had two completely different lifestyles, but I avoided arguments as much as possible. If we did argue, I always ended up crying over the fact that I displeased him. He once called me "too submissive" and tied that into how he doesn't believe men and women have different roles. He saw me as a "traditional" type of person and it was another reason why he would never consider being with me. I look back now and am thankful it didn't work out, but the scars somehow still remain.

If I do end up in a similar setting with a male friend now, I react naturally in the one way I grew to know. I was used to minding my distance and not initiating something as simple as a hug. I am afraid to sit too close to a guy and get too excited around them. In my mind I think that they will not want me to be happy over them. Although this is only noticeable with close male friends that I choose to openly get to know, I still notice other areas in my life that it's affected me.

An example of a similar setting is in the car. Recently I was able to ride in a car with one of my closest male friends. Although I know he is not like my past friend, I still act like he will treat me that way. It reminded me of once sitting in the car with the past friend and feeling all that pain inside over our situation. Now I have to remind myself that it is all over. I got used to someone who took complete control over my emotions. Not that he intended to, but I somehow let him.

He would get mad. And when he got mad, he would say rude comments and his jokes would sound too serious. His famous question to me when he was angry was, "Do you think I'm kidding?" I caught a few of these jokes on camera which at the time I accepted it as a joke. But looking back at them today I see how much he was scarring me subtly over time. It's not that he intended to, but I let myself take each hit from him and I pretended that it didn't hurt me. I pretended because I didn't want to look "weak" around him. I didn't want to complain over anything. I didn't want to make him mad at me because I knew it would only hurt me.

When we would take night walks or plan a hiking trip in the hills, he would complain if I didn't wear the right shoes or clothes. He would roll his eyes when I would claim that it doesn't bother me to wear what I was wearing and he would finally ignore it and continue on. I was afraid of being too "girly" around him. It affects me to this day, as if all guys are annoyed with the same things. If I fell behind, he would keep walking and very rarely wait for me. When he did wait, he would either make a joke complaint, or insist I hurry up. It almost felt like he didn't believe he should consider my own feelings or strength and weaknesses. I pretended half the time like I was fine, and I'd hurry to his side.

There also came the times when he'd ignore me or lack to respond to text messages noticeably and I'd later find out that he was doing it on purpose. Therefore I knew that "lack of texts" means it's "on purpose" and it is so hard to ignore those thoughts with the friends I have today. Some times when we'd hang out, he would be on his phone quite a lot and I'd just silently be off to the side, pretending like it didn't matter to me. But yet I was afraid half the time that he didn't really want to be around me. I began to believe that he'd rather be with other friends. Maybe he liked who I was, but he didn't like all of me.

He openly stated that he resented a part of me. I knew it was the part that didn't agree with his chosen lifestyle, but I chose to keep those thoughts silent. I didn't let them determine anything, really. I still chose to be loving and forgiving. But it didn't matter. He still resented me and yet kept my friendship. It always boggled my mind why he kept my friendship. He said he valued it, and I suppose I believed him. But little did I know it was hurting me more than I actually thought.

After a year of friendship he actually started purposely avoiding me, I really never knew why until the two months passed and he confessed it. Then after four years of friendship he decided we'd part ways and we spent three months of no friendship until I found out his mom died. After that we built up a friendship again and I was always there for him. And then I got my hopes up on accident only to be kicked down all over again with the words, "I will never wake up and realize that I love you." He really knew how to make sure I was aware that nothing would ever happen. It's good he was honest, but it doesn't mean it hurt any less. It's not that I wish he would have said otherwise, but that I wish I didn't have to go through it at all. But I did, and I guess I'm stronger now.

Eventually he hid his whole other life from me and lied to me a lot. He wasn't quite open with much. When we would talk, he would be a great listener, but he could never say much about himself. He couldn't, I guess. He acted like a different person around me--like an edited version that I wouldn't be "offended" by. It seems that was his mindset, at least. He was afraid of hurting me, even though he already hurt me a  lot. But eventually I built up anger and felt awful for it... It led him to being honest though and I found out he was actually dating someone and wasn't available to help me because of it. After all those excuses he finally admitted the truth as to why he was too busy suddenly. I felt I was losing the close friendship--I wish I didn't try so hard to hold on.

I got used to him though. For five years, he was the only guy I ever knew. Everyone around me knew it was killing me inside toward the end, but they learned to be silent. I eventually gave up in being strong and gave in to all of my emotions. I said the words "I can't do this anymore" too often and "Don't let me go one more day with this pain, God." I was too broken to even try anymore. I couldn't figure out why I felt so stuck to this particular human being until I gave it all up to God one more time and it all vanished. The battle, the pain, the attachment--gone.

I was left with so many scars, a wounded heart (thankfully now healed) and a lot of fears. The fear of rejection was planted. The fear of being attached to a male friend. The fear of even making a new friend. I chose to finally ignore it and prayed God would send me a Christian friend instead. I didn't know the answer anymore. I kept wanting to run. It always seemed like the easiest answer.. To just run away and never try anymore. If I tried, I would fail again. I was too afraid to make a new friend. I just wanted the right person to come along and treat me with actual godly love. But I was hesitant. I was afraid. I felt "ruined." I had every desire to love again, and yet I could sense this block. Something causing me to hold back and love less.

But see, now I'm in a different place in life. The friends I do have now all build me up and help me believe that I'm fully accepted and loved. I receive compliments that mean the world to me and love that feels real. I now pray that God can take these scars away so that I could love more with the heart that he has given me. I don't want to treat any guy as if they'll treat me the same. I don't want to just run from them when I get afraid of my own feelings. I want to be normal again. I want to overcome this. I want to believe in myself again. I want to know that it's okay--that the past won't repeat again...

Highest of Highs and Lowest of Lows Year.

It's quite outstanding to take in the fact that I will be taking a bus trip to my hometown in January, making it the opposite of taking a bus trip down here almost a year ago. I could have never guessed this would be the case at the time, but that's what makes me see how capable God is of changing lives. I had a feeling that the year of 2013 would be a year of unexpected surprises. And that's exactly what it became.

This year I reached the highest peak and the lowest valley. I stood on top of a mountain in utter joy and hit rock bottom with tremendous sorrow. All within a year, I went all over the spectrum of feelings. What God has done for me this year is beyond words. I cannot explain in enough detail how it has transformed me.

Last Christmas I decided that all I wanted was a smile on my face. I started gaining hope that great things would happen and that change would come in my life. It certainly did come, but in ways I definitely didn't imagine. I grew Christmas cheer at last minute and then packed my bags to go on a journey the second day of the New Year. It really did feel like God intended I get that bus ticket just to say, "Here. Go find what I have for you."

It literally changed my life. To look back now helps me see how much it was from God. I remember the feeling I received when I questioned the trip. I just knew I had to go. I remember the person I met that inspired me and little did I know how significant he'd really be. God was handing me the tools and people I needed because He had this grand adventure awaiting me all because I stepped forth in wonder. All because I took those leaps of faith. And He rewarded me because of it.

So here I sit, in my apartment, about to finish my first semester at Azusa Pacific University, and I can only smile at the me one year ago. Little did she know. She was merely searching for something new. She was trying to find her place in this world. To belong somewhere. To know someone. To speak out. To tell a story. And she made it there.

Yet this year I feel something different. I feel like God is now saying, "You've made it to where I want you. Now wait as I bring something new." He has healed me from past wounds, mended my broken heart, and is helping me overcome fears. He is showing me the beauty of Him and His glorious power. I can only think, "What does 'something new' even mean?" But I await with excitement because I do not doubt how capable He is of lovely surprises. He knows what we need. And that's really all that matters.

He's bringing me something new.

My Hero.

Dearest Future Husband,

Sometimes I wonder if you're one of those struggling men, figuring out if you have what it takes. The more I read "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge, the more I wonder about you. I hope you know by now (or soon) that you do indeed have what it takes. You're a warrior. A fighter. A leader. I just know that you are because that's what I'm looking for. I observe the men in my life. I have a better understanding of not only what to look for, but what men are originally made for.

When you do come into focus in my life, I hope I can be the best ezer kenegdo you could have ever asked for. I admit that I ponder what it would be like for you to come along and prove to me why waiting was worth it. I'm finally okay with your absence because I've learned so much through it. I'm okay with it because I realized I was still in need of preparation. I think I'm finally to a point that I can actually accept that we have not collided. I'm not saying we haven't met though. I just haven't chosen you yet. I'm not entirely sure who you are to be but God is silent. My guess is that He is silent because it is not time.

One day I'm going to take a picture of you smiling with me in the shot and I'm going to cherish it. And that's what makes you worth this long, stretched out wait. The fact that you'll be someone I'll soon enough cherish daily. And I'll let you be that warrior, fighter, and hero in my life. I'll let you take us on adventures and I'll help you along the way in every way I can. I'll support you and your ideas and lift you up when you become doubtful. I won't be perfect, but I'll be in love with Someone who is. I won't always know what to say, but we'll believe in the One with all the answers. I simply pray that God is always in the center of our relationship.

I've learned all of this because of everything I've ever been through. God has given me a story to tell and I just cannot wait to add you into it. Someday our stories will become one and it genuinely excites me. I honestly cannot tell who you are, but I'm getting to know what my heart is longing for and what it needs. I need a hero in my life. So if Jesus has rescued me and made me feel beautiful, then I pray you are a reflection of Him. And that's what I will be looking for.

If I could say anything to you today, I would merely ask that you do not give up on waiting for me. I pray that you find your strength to endure. I pray that we will be ready soon. I pray that you will do all that you can to find your heart and understand what God made you to do. I pray you dream big dreams because soon enough I'll be by your side to find those dreams. I may have my own dreams, but you've always been by biggest one. I was made to be an ezer kenegdo. A helper. A lifesaver. A sidekick. And that's just what I'll be when you come.

Until then,
Your Future Wife

p.s.
I love you even now.

God Alone.

This past week was interesting, to say the least. I spent three days dealing with fear, anxiety, and sadness. At first I couldn't figure out why, but as I dug deep, I discovered some wounds that needed healing again. The fear of rejection hit me all over again and I couldn't seem to find the strength to endure it. I got to a point where all I could pray to God was "Please rescue me." I cried realizing how so many things were bringing me down during my first semester at a University.

To add to it all, I eventually couldn't speak to anyone. I turned to music and nature which ended up pulling me out of the haze I was in. I started to feel like myself once more and reminded myself how much God is my comfort and the only Healer. I knew that He was preparing something huge for me once again and I felt like I was left in silence for three days, much like Jesus' death. Thinking of how human Jesus was and how even he cried out to God, "Why have you forsaken me?" despite the fact that He knew God would save Him. Why should I fear? Why should I even begin to doubt God will save me?

I finally escaped such attacks and looked back to see that God is who I needed. I knew I couldn't rely on people to save me, and in a sense it was as if God didn't even send me a human to help me. He was determined to be my everything in that moment so I could truly see the fear I let build up inside of me. I am so very thankful that He never gives up on me. I am so very thankful for the people He has given me here at APU nonetheless. I need not worry, doubt, or fear.

God has been teaching me that He alone is enough. When I feel alone, He is with me and He will find me. It feels good to overcome more of this fear. To be able to let love concur it. To add to it all, God gave me an affirmation that what I feared was false and that I really had no reason to fear it. It made me feel silly, but I was so thankful for the confirmation. I am becoming stronger. God is good. :)

The Necessity of Men.

My mind has decided to turn the guy from my past into a monster. He wasn't a monster, but the subtle effects from him are suddenly becoming the opposite today. Fear hit me like a train and it definitely didn't feel too well. But I'm making my way to recovery once again. To help me out, God has given me a friend. He's a weird one, but he's nice to me. I pick on him, tease him, and ask him millions of questions. I didn't have a brother to learn from after all. Interacting with the male species isn't exactly my forte. But yet it's the least stressful thing in my life. I can sit, talk about nothing, and laugh the day away.

Well, I suppose interacting is fine. When I was younger, my mom said I always got along better with boys. It's funny that years later, as an adult, I have the worst history with them. By "them" I really mean one guy. At twenty-three, I'm finally able to discover different men. It boggles my mind that I spent five years of my life befriending one particular guy, never knowing another type. I got so used to him and yet the effects it left me with have scarred me. If I ever get attached to any guy, the immediate fear hits me as if I'm not allowed to get attached. It makes me feel like I am in the wrong, that they will reject me, and that I will become hurt. It is the one thing that my heart fails to handle. I receive urges to run away because I am so frightened from my past.

How could that have happened to me? I guess it just gives me a story to tell. This story is still clearly being written, but I can testify that real men are one huge necessity in a young woman's life. I say that because I lacked them. I somehow grew a close friendship with someone who didn't embrace his role as a man. I was afraid to displease him, because in my mind it meant he would not desire me at all. I knew he didn't desire a relationship, but I was not about to displease him to not even desire a friendship. I shouldn't have let him have that control, but I couldn't help it. I was the submissive and loyal type. I was faithful. I wanted to be captivating and I didn't even realize I was in dire need of it.

So here I am today, searching for who I am, learning that all men are different. They inspire me now. They are the missing piece to my life. They are the ones who will grow me and teach me how to treat my husband someday. And even though I have every intention to love my husband with my entire heart, and to please him as best as I can, I still want to learn how not to fear him.

Maybe I am scared of him. Maybe the idea of someone getting that close to me frightens me. Not in a bad way, but in an unknown, uncomfortable, alien sort of way. It's foreign to me. It's not a part of my present life. It's desired, it is. I long for it somehow. But it's scary. I'm quite nervous at the thought of it. To realize this is crazy! One would think it would be exciting, but I'm honestly not sure how I'll handle it! I'm going to hope and pray that the one God sends to me will know how to ease his way into my personal life. He will calm me. He will rescue me from this current life I live! And if I do try running, I hope and pray I will run right into him.

♥

Beautifully Broken.

While sitting on top of a mountain staring out at the night sky and flickering city lights, I was sat next to a person who at one point inspired me. He was broken this time, as if contentment vanished for a moment. And although he was so strong for me months beforehand, it was in that moment I realized that God was giving me an opportunity to shine back. I had all the care in the world to be there by him. I listened to him express all of his emotions and frustrations. I listened to him spill out his heart. He was the same person who helped me change my life, and there I was sat in a position to possibly help him.

I handed him the journal knowing it was God who led me to buying it for him. In the card along with it I wrote about how important his thoughts and feelings are, and how he has a significant voice in this world. I concluded to say he can consider the journal a gift from God. I really couldn't take the credit. I didn't know this young man well enough the way God did. But his reaction to it was priceless. It was enough. He showed every intention to use it and thanked me.

The feeling of giving off hope to someone builds me up so very much. God made me this way, with desires to be of encouragement. The entire trip up that mountain with him became a metaphor of someone who was beautifully broken, climbing to the top to receive a reward for persevering. Along the way we helped each other as to not give up and head back down. No matter how tiring it was, we became determined to make it to the top. Toward the very end, right before we reached the cross, he offered his hand. And even though I lacked to take it, he helped me anyway. I felt like it represented the person he had become to me. Someone who once upon a time helped me make it to the cross. To find Jesus.

Maybe this time I was helping him in return. Maybe this time I was able to shine my own light onto his brokenness. There was something about the entire journey up that mountain that opened my eyes. It had a purpose. It was as if God had allowed me to be in his life at the right time so that I could learn something new. So I could be there to witness a change in this person's life. And it made me feel excited for him, even if he was broken.

I'm excited to see how God is going to turn it all around. Because when we made it to the top of that mountain, we sat there, looking down at all the lights while the cross stood tall in front of us. We sat there to rest and enjoy the beauty God gifted to us. The best part was how capable he was of still smiling and laughing. I could see he still had hope. And that was all that mattered.

I pray that God mends his beautifully broken self.

Urges and Child-like Faith.

I procrastinate because I have paid beyond more attention to my social life than my academic life. But in my defense, I was out of school for nearly five years and I'm learning the concept of discipline all over again. But imagine going from a lot of lonely days, to suddenly having the option of people to talk to, see, and interact with daily. There is rarely a moment that I actually feel alone. Maybe now as I sit out in the living room in a quiet apartment, me being the only one awake, but even then, I know I am surrounded by people. It's an incredible turn-around for my life.

So what's the problem, right? Well, I have this very active mind. It doesn't help that I lost my dad less than two months ago. Whenever I miss him, or suddenly realize all over again that he is gone, I have this urge to run into a strong pair of arms and hide for a while. But these "arms" I speak of don't exist in my life, and the urge is unfulfilled. It's silly, I suppose, but I'm convinced it's normal. God must have just made me this way. I desire a prince, that's all.

Not just any prince though. But one that can look into my eyes and see exactly who I am. One that finds what I have to say important. One that uses his voice to reach out to the world in even the tiniest of ways. A prince that would rescue me when I was in "danger." A prince that would treat me like a princess, to say the least. And I wouldn't expect it, he would just lovingly give it. I would look to him as if he was my knight in shining armor.

I know what some people may say to that. "Stop being a child, fairy-tales don't exist." But I'm not talking fairy-tales, and who said anything is wrong with being a child? Children have faith that can move mountains. I think this world all to often lacks that sort of faith. We lose it over time as reality begins to sink in that we can't actually fly and money doesn't actually grow on trees. But what fun is a life without such faith to believe in such "silly" things?

I'm talking about how the idea of such a prince and princess relationship can actually exist if we actually play the part. It can be reality if we want it to be. So my urges are normal, my desires are normal, and my feelings are normal. And even if they're abnormal, it would only be because the majority of the world lost the idea of true faith. Or should I say true love? Love in its truest form knows no bounds.

I'm surrounded by people, yes. But even when I'm not lonely, I still am missing that one human being who just hasn't made himself known yet. So yes, I am content in my singleness, technically. But I'd be lying if I said I'm not still dreaming. Child-like faith hasn't died with me. I just won't let it. I'm a dreamer. I dream big. It got me this far, after all!

"Someday"

I had this sudden realization that I cannot actually picture myself with anyone. And by that I don't mean I think it'll never happen, but I just can't picture it. Sure, I can imagine myself standing next to a man, but it merely appears fake. It is fake, because such a picture doesn't exactly exist. This is probably the oddest realization I've ever admitted, but it's an interesting thought. Maybe it goes deeper. Maybe the truth is that I just cannot picture someone wanting to stand next to me. By that I mean I have never experienced someone wanting that.

And then I begin to only wish I could set my camera on a tripod and stand next to him. Whoever he would  be, I know he'd make the picture complete. He would smile and I would cherish the image. As much as I can't get myself to picture such a thing, I know that it will happen someday. And as sad as it is to repeat the word "someday" each time I dream this, I just don't want to be rid of my hope.

It's not that there is something wrong with me. I think I'm a very patient person, and I like to be happy, crazy, and make people laugh. My appearance must be okay that I can photograph myself and receive compliments (not that appearance determines much). I think I'm quite smart, but not in a prideful way. I don't actually think anything is wrong with me. I'm quite convinced that God just saved me all this time for someone I needed. I also think I'm capable of a relationship. I've observed many, and learned the concept of unconditional love. I know I'm able to love someone even if they don't love me back--that must say something!

I'm not sure how ready I really am, how would I know? But I can still picture myself getting married, taking care of a home, a husband, and eventually children. It's a dream, after all. I would want at least one son, and one daughter. I would raise them to know God and the importance of love. In fact, the idea of cooking dinner for a husband makes me feel happy inside. I often feel anxious for such a life. It has been my biggest dream, after all. I would love to decorate a home, organize it, and take care of it.

I guess I'm just waiting for the day that a man comes and desires to rescue me. I'm waiting for that day God guides him to my heart. My hope remains that God will grow me into the person he needs, desires, and longs for. I don't know when that day will be, but I can only dream that it is not too far. I'm still waiting in complete purity. He's that worth it.

Confessions of the Grieving

Confessions of the Grieving

I can’t seem to get myself to be in this world. Any sort of connection to reality causes my mind to immediately run. I don’t know who I want to be around, nor do I know what I want to do. I want to abscond yet I feel stuck. I’ve lost my motivation somewhere in the sea of emotions and all I want to do is just drown in it. Am I even screaming?

I didn’t predict this, nor want this. But I can’t catch up with the present time and I’m growing too tired to try. I find myself wanting things I cannot have, desiring things I cannot do, and longing for someone I’m not with. Each hour that passes allows it all to make less and less sense. Here I am fighting my own mind, battling within my own heart. Is it mourning, grieving, depression? None of that is even familiar to me. I feel like I’ve been here before but this time people believe I’m normal.

What is it that I want? I can’t even feel anything. Who will I listen to if someone talks? I’m falling behind, day by day, and I’m losing the inspiration to do great things. I’m losing myself within seconds and it’s eating the life out of me. But this time I don’t even have the desire to fight back. I was doing incredibly fine until this wave crashed over me. Now I simply feel like I’m drowning and that the right person isn’t here.

Who is the right person? I don’t even know. I’m looking around, silently begging for help, as if a particular face is to come. As if I’m seeking a particular answer and won’t know what it is until I have it. Meanwhile I am dying alive and only time will heal this wound. Time, because I need it. Time, because it’s the alternative to a miracle. Time, because nothing else is working.

I pray now that God would send me an angel, a Helper, and His unending love. I pray now that I’ll come out of this dark hole and see the light at the end of this tunnel. I pray now that there will be a solution, that I will not become overwhelmed for too long. My only hope is with God. I just lost the strength to have any need of wanting to continue on. I’ve lost my hope as if it was stolen from me. I’ve lost a sense of love as if I forgot what it feels like.

God is Doing Great Things.

I have this need to write, but I don't exactly have any sort of content that can be discussed. So here I am, alone in my apartment, attempting to write anyway. I feel like whatever I hold inside of me is capable of creeping its way out of my fingertips, therefore I write. It's a way I release my feelings and, well, it feels good. I tend to write a lot. I have a very active mind, after all.

Today I was speaking with one of my roommates who opened up about some past issues, fears, rejection, and such. It reminded me a bit of my fears I overcame. I highly hoped that maybe I could gift her some hope. God has placed inside of me a dire need to encourage people. I have desires to watch lives become saved, hearts become healed, and relationships become restored. I often wonder where exactly God will take me. But I know that He has given me a story to tell and I'm quite sure He's asking me to speak it out. There is something about the way my life was orchestrated that causes me to wonder what God is really doing.

This place that I'm at now in life is incredible. If I allow myself to look around me, to remember my past and compare it to who I am today, I get this incredible sense of awe. The days that I patiently waited for change have been paying off and here I am as a new person. I learned to have patience, how to love unconditionally, and how to have real faith. There is no other way to explain how I got to my current location than to say God brought me here.

God surprised me. He used the perfect plan to heal my heart, increase my faith, and bring me here. I honestly couldn't be more thankful. I can see Him now moving me into the next season. To be honest, I'm really excited for it. I'm like a child on the night before Christmas, eagerly awaiting that moment they can open their gifts. God has some new gifts coming, and I'm ready to receive them. There may be more to do, but so far His lessons have been totally worth it.

Pouring it Out.

I began to question myself and question God which led to weeping. I wanted to just cry it out and hold nothing in. But I couldn't understand what I was even holding in. So perhaps if I let it out in tear drops, maybe I could see what was dwelling within. What I found was a mixture of things as the silent words left my mouth. I wept and wept as the water from my shower poured over me. I just sat there and let it out.

My questions went much like this: Why can't I concentrate? Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me? As these questions came out the answers began to form. Suddenly I feel the lamentation come out of me and my grieving begins again. I lost the man in my life who believed in my big dreams when no one else did. I lost the man who was overly proud of me. I lost the man who thought I was beautiful no matter what. And I took forever to realize he was that man all along. I learned how much he impacted me when it was too late.

I began to think of how happy he was at the thought of visiting me at my school. I cry because I wish I could see him come here, in awe of where God placed me. I do believe he's in a better place now, but my heart has this dire need to see him one more time. Yet I can't. And I know I can't. And here I am, missing that person who believed I could do anything. I won't dwell on what I lacked to do for him, but I surely wish I could have one more chance to show him how much I appreciated his faith in me.

Now I pray that God gives me hope nonetheless. I feel He has been guiding all the right people into my life by unfathomable happenstances. There have been people calling me an inspiration, friends claiming I'm a great person, and I'm finally starting to feel that way. Not in a prideful way, but in a very comforting way. I can also tell God is building my confidence. But I want to go back to being able to focus. I want to feel okay again. I want to keep believing these compliments. I want to build up these new friendships and spread my faith. I want someone to believe in me the way my dad did.

Disconnected From the World.

What does it mean to suddenly feel disconnected from the world around you? I could be completely fine, and then suddenly it's hard to focus. I physically walk alone and all I can wish for is some form of hope. God tends to give it to me in one way or another, but I'm not often sure what leads me to that disconnection in the first place. Is it a deeper yearning in me? Is it my mind subconsciously grieving over the current loss of my dad? And yet once a human being is around me and I'm in communication, I suddenly feel okay again. Like I've connected myself to something--someone--in the world around me. Suddenly I'm able to somewhat focus again.

This doesn't help in my school work though. I'm slowly but surely trying to make my way back into the present. But it's going a lot slower than I thought. I feel like procrastinating and just sleeping instead. I feel like the enemy wants me to fall back into my old ways, and I don't want to give in to that. I'm praying to have hope and strength, to keep my dreams going. I'm a dreamer, living it out loud, and I cannot give in to these hopeless feelings.

But then when I least expect it, God brings along what seems to be the perfect answer. I'm right back on my feet again, somehow, with hope. As if I have another reason to keep going. To stay inspired. Something that makes me want to smile despite my circumstances. I can't figure out what disconnects me from the world, but being brought back down by that little glimpse of hope is...well, my only hope getting through this time. I need to be connected again. I need to find my confidence. I need to stay inspired.

What does it mean to suddenly feel disconnected from the world around you? Maybe it means God is calling you to listen.

A Year of Unexpected Events.

This year has been the most surprising year of my life. Today I sit here in my old room and I can tell that nothing is the same at all as it was a year ago. I've gained and lost a few things over the months, but I hardly expected any of it. On January 1st I was someone entirely different. I had no intentions to go to a University, and yet I applied one week later as if God changed my mind. On January 1st, I had a broken and wounded heart. One month later, it's healed and I'm on my way to making my dreams come true.

I started making things happen for myself by allowing God to take over completely. I started making first steps and leaps of faith. I don't regret it at all. I watched myself grow along the way in daily videos and I'm still growing. I felt my best, fully content, and stronger than ever. I made new friends and began forming new bonds with a new life in Azusa.

And then my life was put on hold as I grieved the passing of my father. Many moments as I realize once again I won't be able to see him or hear him anymore, I will cry it out. This was the most unexpected thing to happen out of all. But it seems God timed it just that way so that my dad could stay around long enough to see my finally succeed and move on. I had his moral support, his faith, his love, and his belief in me as I reached my goals. I now merely pray that I will still have that in another one, somehow, now that my dad is gone.

If the unexpected can happen at any moment, maybe we should always be ready to endure. Maybe we should always be at a point in our lives that we are succeeding. Maybe we should always follow our dreams instead of waiting for convenience. Maybe we should always make someone proud of us. Maybe we should always fight for what's right. Maybe we should always make time for people. I got to make my dad prouder than he has ever been by the choices I made this year. I wish I could have kept him longer, but I guess he did his job and needed to go Home. Either way, I made him happy and proud. I made the right choices this year and I pray I can continue to do so. ♥

Hope Remains.

Many thoughts have gone through my head the last few days. I've realized how small my previous problems really were and how the unexpected is still capable of happening. I've come to know who in my life is genuine and who really does care for me. I've learned that I've lacked to treat certain feelings as "normal" and coming to accept that has helped me just be. But most importantly, I've learned that God is a God of hope. He can pour inside of us a hope that no man can create nor explain. And that is what God has given me during this time of grieving.

No one hopes for what they have or what they see. Hope is having faith in what you cannot see. Because I cannot see what is ahead, I can only hope for the best. God has allowed me to feel a hope for something beautiful to come. That even when I'm crying missing my dad, there is hope. Not only do I still have many people around me, but God is taking everything I ever learned from my earthly father and He is teaching me who I am meant to be. My dad did his job by making me feel special, loved, and worth it. I did my part by making him proud, following my dreams, and never giving up.

I know my dad won't be here to give my future husband his approval, nor will he be able to walk me down the aisle, but he definitely taught me what to look for. My dad knew that I would someday make the right choice in a husband, and he didn't fail to already make me feel special while I waited. I may not have had the closest relationship with my father, but he had the most faith in me. Losing my dad has brought up these thoughts more than ever. I was that one girl dreaming up marriage, writing out stories, and daydreaming it all. To lose my dad before I could even reach that dream has stabbed a rather sensitive part in my heart. But yet God has given me hope nonetheless. I still have my Father in Heaven and I still belong to Him and Him alone.

I can't say I know when I'll reach that dream. To be honest, I've given it up for the most part. But I still feel hopeful. That a man will someday have my heart and it'll be the one I know would have made my dad proud. I may not be able to hear him tell me what he thinks about them, but I will let God be the one who chooses. My hope is that I'll find someone who can love me as much as my dad loved me. Someone who can make me feel special, loved, worth it. Someone who has faith in me. Someone who dreams big. Someone who never gives up. Someone who is strong-willed. That's who my dad was.

Life-Changing Year.

This year has truly been one of the most life-changing years I've ever had. Perhaps if I wrote it all down, organized it, and saw the bigger picture, I could understand God's timing on the loss of my dad.

It all started with a trip I took on a bus down to Southern California. I had no idea what I wanted in life, where I wanted to be, but I thought living down there might be my calling. So I visited to get a feel for it. I wasn't sure what I wanted in life, or how to get to my destination, but I was determined to figure it out. Needless to say, I returned home from that trip with many tears and total confusion. My life was missing something grand, and I just couldn't feel it in my hometown.

That night as I searched online for options of what to do and how to move, I cried asking God, "What is it that you have for me? Where is it? Please point it out to me. Lead me to the answer." I was literally just crying whilst browsing Google search for anything that came to mind. But after that prayer, I had one thought. Azusa Pacific University. I only knew it as the school a new friend of mine attended. I only searched it because he spoke highly of it and how much his life changed. I thought maybe I'd at least see what they even offered.

To my surprised, I found what felt to be the most perfect major. Cinematic Arts Production. It mentioned storytelling and faith. I began to imagine what that would be like, to be a part of that. Not to mention it was located in Southern California, where I previously dreamed to move to. After two days of staring at it, I took the most unexpected leap of faith and applied. I felt set on doing it too. After the weeks went by, I started to question, "But is this what You really have for me, God? Is this not where I should go?" I questioned my real intentions for wanting to apply because I didn't exactly search any other school.

Meanwhile I decided that I would still try to go to England. I didn't give up on that dream after all, and I began to save up money. After a couple weeks beyond purchasing my ticket, I then found out I was accepted into the University. I was surprised and yet not surprised. I thought God, You must be doing this for me! I didn't worry about finances at this point. I had something to say for myself. I had a reason to move on. I was doing something with my life and my parents were proud of me.

All at the same time, I had overcome a broken heart. I didn't know it was broken until God let it break completely. But He gave me a great gift because of that. He restored my heart, healed it, and made it new. He showed me I didn't need to have fears and He could satisfy me. I started to feel ultimately loved by Jesus and that I was special. I became content in my singleness and learned that God wanted me to stop putting my life on hold and go live it. My dream of marriage would be fulfilled someday, but He wanted to show me that I could be happy in the waiting.

Eventually I was on a plane to England, with a grand smile on my face and full excitement. I arrived safely to five smiling faces and welcome signs. I spent one month and a half there, exploring and feeling so content. After weeks, God broke me down again when I was reminded of past fears. But He healed me yet again, and He used me to speak light to my friends. I grew even closer to God and when it was all complete, I was back on a plane home. I cried so very much, missing England and all my friends there. I knew I had a new life to come home to, but it was so hard to part.

Upon coming home, I felt so different. I spent that next week praying, sleeping, packing, and preparing. Soon enough, I made it to Azusa with my mom, sister, and aunt. I sadly did not have my dad with me, but I knew he was proud. I knew he saw the pictures we posted and told everyone about it. I began school, made new friends, gained three sisters in my apartment, and started my new life. I was finally getting the hang of it, despite getting overwhelmed by the amount of work and tasks that built up.

And then it happened. A sudden sadness fell upon me. I didn't know why. I went to three classes before having a break. Once that break came, I checked my messages. My sister was asking me to pray for my dad who went missing. Then her next message I checked said he was in the hospital. I called immediately and when we connected she cried out my name. Her words were unreal. I could hardly speak.

"Stephanie...Dad passed away.." Her voice was  broken, weak, and shaking. Inside I felt confused, lost, unsure of how to feel. I walked home alone that day, holding my phone after she hung up, containing the tears to soon let them flow once I was away from public. I finally made it to the apartment and my roommate comforted me as I tried to process it all. Telling people now feels fake, feels wrong. That's not what I'm supposed to say about my dad...

I received prayer from all the people that knew. I had two visitors that were leaders to me and they prayed with me. I was surrounded by such loving people that I knew God made sure I wasn't alone. He equipped me for something I would have never guessed would happen. He strengthened me, brought me to my dream life, and let my dad know I made it. As much as I wish he could have stayed to watch me grow, I know that I have no choice but to let go. It is the most awful thought I've ever had to deal with and I wonder how long it'll take before it completely processes. Before I feel like it's "normal."

Yesterday I sat with a friend who reminded me that I had a lot to hold onto. He gave me words of comfort and I remember feeling completely peaceful and calm around him. His prayer went deep into my heart and I had a genuine piece of hope placed inside of me and I felt protected. I could breathe, I could relax, and most importantly...I could laugh. In that moment I knew that God planned out everything for me. He wouldn't leave me alone during this time. He had a new plan now that my dad's role in my life has come to an end. I'm still a princess with a Father.

I know the moments will come when I break down and cry. I'll miss my dad until I see him again in Heaven. But I know he would want me to keep going, to keep making music, to keep writing, to keep taking photographs. He would want me to succeed in my new life here. I made him proud. I made him happy. I made him complete. I know he'll be by my side, someway, somehow.

Life could change in the blink of an eye. You just never know what could happen. The unexpected, the best, the worst, and the possibility of miracles. Hold on to those great memories. Don't run from them. Don't forget them. Find a reason to be happy, to have peace, and to continue on. God has a plan. And I'm ready for that next part of my life. The one that will help me during this time of loss, and the one that'll change me forevermore.

Dear Dad.

Dear Dad,

Just last Sunday I read the words, "I miss my kids." And with full confidence I immediately replied, "I miss you too, Dad. Will see you again soon! :)" No response came after that and I continued about my day. It wasn't until Tuesday that I felt lost, distant, and broken. I had no idea why, I assumed it was my own inner feelings. But I felt like the sadness didn't fit well enough with those reasons. Why would I suddenly feel distant? After my third class of the day, I was done for a few hours on break. I saw messages on my phone from my sister asking me to pray for you because you went missing. I then got her voicemail that you were in the hospital and she was on her way to see you.

I immediately called her and the moment she answered I knew something was wrong by the way she cried my name. But her words made no sense to me. "Stephanie...dad passed away." I couldn't seem to register what she said. I questioned, "What?" thinking it makes absolutely no sense at all. I wish I could go back in time to the last time I saw you and tell you once again that I love you.

Dad, I have no idea why it was your time, it makes no sense to me. I feel like this is just pretend and that you'll be there coming over for food when I visit home. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay, that God has you, but I didn't know I was ready to lose my daddy. :(

You believed in me though. You were happy for me. You loved me. You took care of me for years. You made me feel like the best piano player and photographer in the world. I want to go back in time and hear you say it all over again. I wish I was warned that this would happen, but I'll try not to think too hard on it. I'm not familiar with this pain. This is so very new to me. I need you, Dad... I need you to come see me and tell me how proud you are that I made it into a top university. That I'm going to one day work in movie production and tell the world my story. I want you to keep telling people how much you love me and my sister. Did you know you were going Home?

I don't like this at all.... I want you back so very much... Just to hear you tell me once again how much you love me... :'(

Sincerely,
Your youngest daughter.

The Foreign Relationships Life.

Today I wandered to the living room where my friend sat and expressed my loneliness to her. I plopped onto the couch adjacent and spent about an hour after that in communication with her. It went quite lovely as she asked me to explain my ideal husband. It brought me back to being sixteen again, where I inevitably had a check-list of who I'd want to marry. Not that I knew what I'd need, but I had a very detailed imagination. It got me thinking again though. I may be much older now, making my way to twenty-three, but I still have that same heart I did at sixteen. Never finding anyone to hold this heart, I still find myself dreaming.

I guess I always did have a check-list. I once learned that we should give all our dreams up to God, knowing He is the only one capable of knowing who we'd need. I've always had a strong desire to be a helper. I have urges to make someone feeling utterly special, as if of all people in the world, they were with me. My hardest struggle was accepting that such a person never came along. I was too afraid to look, as if I'd ruin the chance of unintentionally meeting. That, and I was determined that God didn't need me to look for him.

I can't really say what He wants me to do though. I've come to a contentment in my singleness that allows me to go out and follow a dream on my own. I sit now in another country with the only responsibility of myself. And it works for me. I can reach out to others in the same struggle, young or old, and maybe shed some light into their lives. Jesus has fulfilled me enough to say that I know I'll make it through this somewhat lonely time. I fear to express loneliness as if it would show that God hasn't truly satisfied me. Because He definitely has.

But if I dig deep enough, I can see those characteristics that seem to fit so well with another human being. I sincerely dislike the scars that have made me become used to the feeling of being undesired. That there is one thing about me that always creates a massive wall between me and every male in this world. Either I create the wall, or they create the wall. Either way, there is a wall. A stone wall. And it blocks everyone from entering into that special part of my heart. I always tell myself that maybe I'm one step away from what I long for. But after years go by, I begin to loathe that advice.

The beauty that God has placed in the idea of one man and one woman becoming some form or bond, a connection, and a perfect picture is somewhat becoming merely foreign to me. I see it in many places, how one complements the other, and two different people share something special. I see it in the many jobs I have of photographing weddings. I see it wasted in failing, selfish, fleshy relationships as well. I see it twisted in abusive relationships and ones that depend solely upon feelings that will eventually die off.

It's meant to be special for the idea of marriage to further the Kingdom of God, but the entire world is so drawn to it that they make every exception possible to use this form of bonding. Every human being has that hole in their heart that they try every day to fulfill. To be satisfied. To be loved. To feel needed. We all crave that because God purposely put that in us so that someday we could realize we need Him. No one is fully satisfied because everyone needs God. But we look for it in human beings. We look for it in the things around us. We look for it where we think it's easy. And we often fail to realize that only a divine fulfillment can fix the problem.

Until you're fully satisfied with God, you'll never understand the reason behind marriage and intimate relationships. You'll never be able to love properly and fully. You'll always lack that proper knowledge. God is faithful. He will make you feel whole. Just let Him work in your life.

Questions and Dismissals.

I can sit here and question everything, or I could merely dismiss it and continue walking. The interesting thing is that I'm capable of switching between both decisions quite easily. Nothing is sat here on my shoulders, nor is anything stabbing me in any sort of way. It's a rather comforting feeling, and it's fairly appreciated. But when I do sit and wonder allowing whatever questions to come my way, I'm left feeling slightly smitten all over again.

It's like a magnetic force. If I get too close to something, or to those thoughts, I become instantly stuck that I have to pry myself off and remain a distance. But I know exactly what I'm meant to do during this distance so it all seems to work out in the end. What I thought was the right time back then has proved it needed more growing time. I'm aware that a majority of what I write will hardly make any sort of sense. But it's not like I could just blast my true thoughts on a public blog, despite how overly honest I can be.

It's really no big deal. But I'd be lying to say I'm not curious. To have the same dream for years and still not reach it means that I may become overly curious as the weeks go by. But I know that God has got His hand over this situation, and He has soothed my soul and my mind. He has given me patience, peace, and perseverance. What more could I even ask for?

There's something waiting for me on the other side of my summer. I'm fully aware of that. Maybe I'll find my other dream. Because I'm definitely still hoping to meet him.

Writing.

I love overly expressing myself, or diving down deep into every situation. I love producing words on paper and holding a pen. I love typing out my thoughts as they come and putting my English to the test. Something about documenting helps me. It allows me to remember my past in more detail, but I try to document the significant parts as to never dwell on the unnecessary. It's the writer inside of me, and this is the only time it can get out and show itself to the world.

I really would love to discover more bloggers and compare journeys. But it would also be amazing to exchange long e-mails full of life stories and deep conversations. Those are truly the best colloquies. You see, my life took a complete turn toward an entirely new one, and it means a lot to have people join along to help me through.

God knows who to give us in our journeys. And that's the amazing part. Because who you need in your life right now is already in it, some way and somehow. Just look around and you'll realize it!

Dream Life.

This year I have learned how to actually fly. I guess I spent a few years dreaming it, but this time I actually tried it. It feels absolutely amazing. God has lifted me high and has given me so much more hope and happiness. Not only does He encourage us to take that first step, but He backs everything up. When a giant step requires getting in debt at first, He provides the exact finances. Nothing more, nothing less. He hasn't stopped amazing me this year, and I don't think He intends to cease this!

In a matter of months, I'm going to be packing boxes up with my stuff and head down to Southern California. I'll be walking the paths of Azusa Pacific University. It's hard to imagine, but yet I know it's real. This is the most unexpected turn of events in my life. I had absolutely no desire to go back to college. Yet something in me was begging for a purpose, a new journey, and a destination. God surprised me and led me straight into a place I never once knew about until He showed me.

It feels like a dream that I don't even deserve. I can't even get myself to picture it happening, yet I know it will. I want to begin already, but I don't want to rush anything. Although before such a new life begins and before I move along, I'm spending my last few weeks before school to relax in another country. None of this seems real! I cannot picture myself in the United Kingdom! But I will be there! I will be on a plane and on my way in fifty-five days!

I'm dreaming wide awake now. And for that, I really don't want to close my eyes again.

The Unknown World.

I suppose if I had to dive deep into how I remained single for twenty-two years and some odd months (my whole life, if you haven't guessed) then I would start off with saying that I'm really, really picky. Maybe I've built walls as well, but I didn't imagine making it to twenty-two years of age without a particular person coming along. I suppose my dream of how it would happen sort of never happened in any form whatsoever. But I spent these years waiting on God, from when I became old enough to make the decision at fifteen, to today.

I've been through many stages of feelings. Patience, impatience, patience, impatience, they happen back and forth. But now I've reached a point of contentment with my singleness. Yet it hasn't eased my mind fully. If I allow myself to ponder, I imagine the idea of having a special bond with another human being that is real. Something more than a dream, but rather someone who can surprise me with kind acts.

I begin to wonder if there is someone out there who belongs to me. I realize it's not entirely my fault that I've come to this point, that I've wondered these things. I want a forever sort of bond. The real deal, as I like to call it. I really don't want to spend time in a temporary relationship just to satisfy my flesh. What I hope for is someone to grow in God with. Someone to uplift me as I do the same in return. And even though I'm not looking, I'm not closing my eyes either.

Today I've accepted that I'm in a place in my life that doesn't contain anybody because it's not exactly time yet. But that I'm making the steps it will take to get to that point. Finally being content without being attached to anyone right now is something I previously found impossible to feel no matter how hard I tried. But now that I'm here, I don't want to expect or look around.

Maybe God will just let our paths cross naturally. I truly desire to find that special friend. Someone to communicate with that would understand me and be at the same level as me, especially when it came to my faith. Maybe I hold the exact quality he is looking for by my choosing not to easily enter into a relationship before. I've not actually found anyone that tempted me to be in one. In fact, I've only found shut doors. It has been easy to remain this way. But I'm nearing the age that it begins to make me feel a bit alone.

Now may not be the time, but I do hope someday it will be. I hope I can remain this content and okay for as long as it takes until he comes along.

Change Ahead.

I quite often ponder the reality of my loss of friendships. Maybe everyone is taking their own paths so much so that I am forced to realize my own path. I've lost a few friends over the past few years. Some openly, but most silently. I spend most of my days planning out my dreams to make them real. The closest friends I have are the friends that happen to be miles and miles away. Yet those dear friends in this same town remain in my heart. The ones I do happen to see every now and then are becoming more and more busy each day, allowing me to slowly let go.

Perhaps the meaning behind this lies within the plan that God is now unfolding. Maybe my relocation is a fact. I do indeed see myself leaving this small little town. At last minute I have allowed myself to appreciate it to its fullness. I don't think I'd ever be able to fully do so if I never decided to leave it. As I spend my last few months here, I will learn to be thankful for what it has brought me. I will detach myself slowly from the things I held on to, and open my eyes to new opportunities.

There has always been somewhere else I longed to be. But when I really thought about it, I never have been able to escape. And I guess it's time I finally do so. To find my place in this world and become what God wants me to be. It may not be easy at first. It may require a lot of energy and change. But you must start somewhere otherwise you'll get nowhere.

So here I am, chasing my dreams, and gaining new ones along the way. I may not know what exactly lies ahead for me, but I trust that God will lead me. This is going to be a huge step for me. I am excited and more ready for it each new day. There is going to be a massive change in my life this year. But the crazy part about it all...is that I feel more than ready for it.

Loosening Chains.

Although I have every intent to take the first step, figuring out what step that is becomes a struggle. I've never really been sure of which route to take in life, especially concerning career. But I've noticed that the deeper I dive into a relationship with my Savior, the more detailed my desires get. I begin to have need to do things I didn't previously think of. And even though it's still a bit unclear for me now, I imagine that this year will unfold many new mysteries to my destiny.

Sometimes I wonder what my heart is attempting to tell me as I ponder through videos, stories, and other people's lives. I learn through them what it is I dream to do. Not that I want someone else's life, but that I wonder what part of their life is appealing to me. What accomplishments have they possessed that I've lacked? I often feel trapped inside my mind, surrounded by dreams, wonders, and hopes. But from the very inside of this very active mind of mine, I am begging to come out.

Along the path of trying to find some sort of escape, I have wounded myself. I've become comfortable, meanwhile failing to learn how to relocate. I hold on to my hopes, yet never realizing that I've made no progress. From the departure of high school to the first semester of community college, I had no goal set. After never returning to college, I became self-employed as a photographer running a business that made me miserable. I didn't want to control a business! It just wasn't who I was made to be. But I never knew that.

So what do I see from others that gets me teary eyed, once again shaking the jail bars of my mind? I see people traveling the world and sharing happiness with others. I see successful videos, creative minds, and goals being accomplished. But most of all, I see intensive growth. Compared to my history, their progress is massive. I've not led any sort of group to success, or witnessed a miracle in someone's life. I've not won a contest or performed in a concert [these are mere examples of life-changing moments].

I've not the intention to think negative. I am simply coming to reality to help me change my life today. For five years and counting I have been living at home in a town that I now believe holds nothing for me. There is nothing here that I hold on to aside from my family. My dream career is not here, my ideal location isn't here, and I've always felt like one day I would move on.

It feels like I'm reaching toward dreams like visiting another country, being a part of a group that I fit into, or being in a team to produce videos. But while reaching, I am stretching as far as I can and it feels completely impossible to reach. As if this massive chain is pulling me down as I pull and pull, only to wound myself in the end. I now see that God has been trying to show me that He is capable of breaking that chain, but first I must  come to realize that all the bad could be used for something great. I must become content with where I am today, and with who I am today. I must remember that God loves me and that His love is what is most important above all, no matter where I am.

If I return to where the chain is attached to, it'll become loose, allowing easier access to becoming freed of it. Well, that is where I stand today. I'm learning how to break ties and find sincere contentment. As God takes these chains off of me, I know that He will help me reach my dreams, the ones that I never once had. Every day is a possibility to dream big. If you desire to do something for God, it's selfless and proper. But if it's for yourself, benefiting no one else, think long and hard and ask God for guidance.

I'm not sure where He's taking me, but I'll find out one step at a time. :)

A Letter.

A letter to my future husband.

Dear You,

I'm learning a lot about love, patience, and contentment. I've learned enough to safely say that I am not looking for you. I don't mean that in a hopeless way, but rather a hopeful way. I trust that God will guide me in the direction of His choosing and that you'll be on that path too. I'm closing my eyes this time so I can sincerely walk by faith. If I spent my life looking for you, I'd miss out on what God has for me while we're apart.

I'm on my way to finding my place. I want to metaphorically run through a massive field of yellow flowers. I want to be surrounded by great things and great opportunities. There is so much more in life than we can imagine. The only way we'll find it all is by riding the waves. Take each day like an adventure and be the journey. I know it'll get scary along the way and it'll shake me up. But we have a God bigger than our own dreams and He will never leave us.

You see, I know that someday I will love you in front of me and stand by your side for an adventure together. But until that day comes, there is so much I can do. Right now I pray that you too will be on an adventure and that you won't look for me. I pray that you're living to be the best that you can be and that you're relying on God. I can only hope this is the life you're living though.

Our journey will begin soon. But it can't happen unless we both go on the adventure it takes to make it to each other. God's got this. He has a plan and He's writing our stories, perfectly and flawless. I know you and I will make mistakes, but forgiveness is still alive. I'm sorry it took me a while to reach this point, but I have nonetheless. My first love will always be the most important person to me. My first love is Jesus Christ.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann

To Love Love.

I've been to a fair share of weddings thanks to my photography business. I've experienced about twenty-two Valentine's Days and photographed quite a few engaged couples. Never have I allowed myself to become bitter toward others who are living a life that was only ever a dream for me. Instead I think it is an amazing thing. There are certain stories that show genuine love, and those are the stories I like to look at and think YES. That is how it should be.

Love to me is the act of giving. It's sacrificing and becoming selfless. It really has nothing to do with affection or feelings. I think too often the world mixes those up, leaving people feeling hopeless or sad and alone. But that is so wrong! Love is free for all of us! If not by humans, by God. We all have access to such love and only receive it by choice. Love is a very beautiful thing. In fact, it's why I enjoy Valentine's Day. I see it as a day that I can overly express what I believe love really is. And, well, the decorations match my room, so that's always a plus! Ha!

Our satisfaction should not be found in a man or woman. People change every day. Our moods change. Our lifestyles change. Our schedules change. We are up and down, like a massive roller-coaster. We are fully capable of making mistakes and hurting each other. Not that we purposely try to, but that it inevitably happens. Knowing that means that no matter how great a person is, they will at some point commit an action that can tear you down. To properly love them is to forgive nonetheless, to expect nothing in return, and to always offer your hand for help. But when you need your joy, happiness, and contentment, it cannot be found in the ever-changing humanity. It must be found in something unchanging and eternal.

Only God can fulfill the emptiness in your heart. Only God can love you in an undying manner. And He is fully capable of doing so! His love is everlasting! When you can be fully satisfied with Him, you have all you need. And when you have all you need, your love for another human being can be pure. You put no responsibilities on them, no burdens, and no expectations. You view them as a person that is an opportunity for you to be your best and show God's love to. We are all in the same boat called Earth, and we all have the same responsibilities.

To love Love is to find it important to have. The most dangerous path to take is to search for something you think you need, or to believe you'll be fulfilled if you just have that "one thing." Maybe that's a certain job, or a relationship to you. Either way, it is one big mistake. Relationships such as marriage have a giant purpose that not everyone understands. It's more than physical needs, it's to glorify God and show His image. If your relationship isn't doing any of the such, then it is a selfish need and does not have a guaranteed success in lasting. Be fulfilled by the unchanging and loving God, so that you can properly love someone on earth as a helper and a partner. Always point them to God for answers.

Here I Am, Send Me.

Do you ever feel like something is about to come your way, but you have no idea what direction it'll come from, what it'll be, and when? That's where I'm at right now. The closer I grow to God, the stronger this desire gets. I tend to daydream a lot, therefore I daydream the desires inside of me. I imagine myself being a part of a group, serving God. Being around other Christians who genuinely want to seek more of God and serve Him. I have come to the point where I feel like I'm standing here saying to God, "Here I am, send me!"

I've overcome so much in exactly one month. The desires I had beforehand have somewhat "muted," in which I don't hear that as loudly as I hear these stronger desires. I want to serve God with others. I want to be a part of something. I want to belong somewhere. But the interesting part of that is I do not feel it is here, in my hometown. I feel like God is calling me to somewhere, but I just don't know where yet. For the first time ever, I've felt so drawn to the idea of going on a missions trip. Every time I hear someone else mention it, or have gone before, I think to myself, 'That would be amazing.' They always come back so moved by God, so amazed. I want that to be me!

I know God could do anything at this point. Perhaps He's purposely prepared me for this. I want God to be on my mind nonstop because He is unchanging, and gracious. I don't want to ask for a relationship, for my future husband. I want that to be left in God's hands and I want to serve Him in the waiting. I have no reason to worry about that part of my life. I have no reason to desire that unless it'll bring glory to God. Yes, I do hope someday I can serve Him with a best friend, a man of God, but until that day comes, I want to get lost in God. It helps me stay content and takes away the worry.

During prayer I heard the words, ,"Wait. Wait on Me, child, and I will send you what I have for you. Wait." As I sat down, thinking it over and writing it down, I felt relieved. There is nothing I can or cannot do right now that will change the timing on God's promises and calling in my life. Therefore I have all the reason to just wait. He wants me to wait. This is a form of blind faith! Not knowing what's coming, but waiting for it as if I do know. It could be one day away, but I must wait. I mean, I heard the word "wait" three times, after all! You know God has seriously planned something when He asks you to wait!

My heart is valuable to Him. I know He has a place for me. I know He has plans for me. He already made those promises and He keeps them. I'm not going to guess. I'm going to wait. I'm going to worship and praise God during this time. And when He opens that door and says, "Stephanie, I want you to go here. This is what I have for you." I'm going to scream, "YES!" and I will go. The opportunity He may have for me could blow me away. It could be subtle. It could be unbelievable. It could be anything, really. And it could be anywhere. Either way, I am here, and I will go where He sends me.

How God Changes Our Plans.

Do you ever wonder if you're doing what you're meant to do, or if there is so much more out there for you? I'm a part of the second option. If I dig deep and really think about it, I'm fully aware that I'm not where I long to be. But this year, I found that okay. Because today is all I have, and today I'm moving forward. Leaning forward, you could say. God has shut doors and opened doors for me. It's quite amazing to see the transformation in my life that He has done. And not only that, but the transition from one situation to the next has been quite interesting.

We can't boss God around and think up the "perfect plan" for our lives. We can only guess and hope for what will happen. But with God, we develop blind faith. It means that we cannot see what is ahead, and often times we have absolutely no idea what is coming, but we put our total trust in God that there is a reward if we do not lose our confidence and press forward. Perhaps that means we don't need to make any sort of guesses of what it could be. God calls us to do mighty great things to bring glory to Him, the King of kings.

How has He changed the plans in my life? Well, at one point I had no idea what my future held. But I dreamed anyway. I thought maybe I could work for a magazine, as a photographer, and have my work known all around the world. This lasted many years, but no progress in that direction ever really came to be. My photography was becoming known, but not at a miraculous rate. I was blessed with neat opportunities, but my walk with God slowed down. Eventually I hit rock bottom last year, and lost any sort of vision or motivation. I became comfortable and unmoved. Not a good thing.

But I never had excuses. I knew I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, and I was tired of feeling stuck. The moment I felt freedom, this drive inside of me began begging me to get up and go. To go out into the world. I was hyped up and fearless! Or so I felt. My first thought was maybe I'd completely move across country and start up a new life somewhere else. Those plans didn't last long. I then became curious of the world on another island. So I dreamed an old familiar dream to go see another country. That one sounded quite promising! With faith I got a passport, not even knowing where God would take me. That held me over for a few months. I eventually chose England and made it half a year with hope that I had purpose. That God was taking me somewhere, to a new land, to show me great things.

God has yet to reveal to me the purpose behind that moment. He has yet to take me to a new land. But in the process of waiting, I held on to fears, unknowingly. In attempts to get up and go somewhere, to try something new, without fear, I took a trip down south of California and lived a little dream. It really did change my life. It opened my eyes to see what I've done to myself, and what I really have in my heart. I was longing to get out, be somewhere new, and live a dream. Reality was that I wasn't doing that at all by sitting here in my hometown, dissatisfied.

The night I looked for jobs near Los Angeles, where I had planned to consider moving to sometime after the said England trip, I was at my last straw. That was it. I knew I needed to make a difference. Where does God want me? What does He have for me? I was in desperate need to figure it out. So I cried out to God that night, searching jobs and housing frantically. I prayed in complete brokenness, "God, where is it? What do you have for me? Help me find it." Searching online, I was reminded of a specific school that was introduced to me through a new friend. Me? School? The fact that it never happened for me caused me to get used to it and justify why I wasn't attending any sort of college. I still believe I don't need it, but that God could definitely use it to my benefit. To His glory, perhaps.

So my search somehow came to a complete stop. As if I was perfectly guided to the right place, a pouring of hope happened in my heart at that moment. My faith could take me anywhere, it seemed. I questioned, "God, is this something I could do? Would you take me here?" And yet the only response I could hear is "Why wouldn't God do this? Why can't He?" Speaking to an old pastor of mine, I gained even more faith and hope, as if God Himself was giving me the confidence I need that He could take me there. I could use my faith to reach out using my passion and talents.

College? Really? After all these years, and You're taking me to college? Well, it doesn't hurt to take the first step and just walk with blind faith. So I applied. Yes, I hit my first bump in the road. God got me through that too. He's been opening my mind to learn, to change, to adapt, to grow, to be someone. In the process, I fell utterly in love with Him all over again. He healed my wounded heart, gave me hope when I lost it, and granted me more patience. The dreams I have are reachable. God is sending me somewhere.

God changes our plans into His own when we seek Him. We never know what He's doing until He does it. He uses our passions and talents to take us to those places, and our desires to lead us there. We may take the first step that appears to take us one way, but find out it was taking us a totally new way! And that is what is amazing. That in order to follow God, you have to have faith. You have to be willing to walk without even knowing where you're going, yet trust Him. In the end, it'll serve as a great story in history.

I don't know about you, but I want to make and be a difference in this perverse world.

My Heart is Whispering.

I'm not sure what it is, but I'm starting to recognize a tiny cry in my heart, asking me for something. It's hard to determine, but after all this healing, I wonder. I wonder what God is placing inside of me, and which part of it is merely in need of extra healing. I'm glad to wake up each day, remembering I am loved. I'm glad the mind attacks and fear has stopped, as far as I'm concerned. Staying tuned in with God is getting me through this. But what is the whisper in this new heart of mine?

I know it has a longing for something deeper, real, and different. It's dreaming up something it probably wants me to accomplish.  But then there is the little part of it that keeps trying to tell me something. My prayer lately is to fully let God grant me the desires of my heart. As I delight myself in Him, I pray He guides me to the dream He has for me.

Oh dear heart, what are you saying?

Desires of the Heart.

I'm going to dive in deep and share my thoughts on desires that I have and what God has been doing that affect them. A lot has changed, and interestingly enough, it has affected my desires. Perhaps this will help open anyone's eyes who happens to come across this blog, and give hope. Somehow I believe it just might be of help to someone because I'm still amazed.

About a week ago, I was quite different. I was completely broken at that point, and God was planning the very moment that I would be healed. My desires beforehand were hurting me, breaking me, and scaring me. I grew fears over them and tried running from them. Not because they were bad, but because I had no control over them. I needed healing and guidance out, and that's just what God did. I was desiring a closeness, a bond, and a relationship. Something I've never actually had before. It was beginning to really mess with my mind. My last cry out to God before it all changed went much like this, "God, please take these thoughts away, and please help me overcome this so I do not have to suffer every day."

He answered quick! Through a newly produced friendship, I was on my way to recovery with a wounded heart, and a repeated fear. God set it all up to bring out that fear inside of me, address the issue, and fix it. How clever of Him! My desire for more someday was affecting me now. That would only ruin the friendships I longed to create first. There was a problem here! Not only that, but I was extremely afraid. I found myself caught off guard, in shock, totally confused, thinking, "How is this happening again!?" Suddenly I felt rejected for the third time in a row, and this time I hardly even had time to know that person!

But that wasn't the case. I wasn't being rejected. I was being redirected. It wasn't a case of "Oh, he's not the one. Keep looking." It was a case of rather, "Your heart is too wounded that you need healing and Jesus is looking for you so He can fulfill you. Keep looking around, you'll see Him and He'll heal you." I suppose that is the best way I can explain it. I found what I like to now call my "godsend." Someone sent by God to play a part in the changing of my life! With all fingers now pointing to God, I was bound to be saved.

And I listened. I heard God calling me to Him and as I stood praying to Him, I knew that He was working a miracle. He changed me within one night. Now my desires lean toward serving Him. I don't become afraid at certain thoughts anymore, and I believe that God has a beautiful plan, waiting to unfold. He's already done so much for me. I can handle the wait for marriage, because now my desires are being controlled more and more each day. He even gave me a patience on that! Previously I was asking God, "Can I just KNOW him?" In fact, it was my only Christmas wish. It's literally all I wanted. But now I'm learning how to let go and trust God.

I believe that God puts the desires in our hearts. When we draw close to Him and follow Him, He directs our paths. You may recognize that as Scripture. Psalm 37:4 is the Scripture written on my Bible cover and it now runs so much deeper with me. Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart! So what is it like to delight yourself in the LORD? I think it's much like what I'm learning now. I am finding delight in God alone. How He loves me unconditionally, how He takes care of me, and how powerful He is. How He heals my heart and gives me hope. That is indeed delightful!

My desires have been changing the closer I get to God. Not that they're different, but that the priorities have changed. I'm more concerned over my relationship with Jesus, who loves me a lot, than I am over desiring marriage someday. It has helped me put so much trust in God, that I do not worry about those things. Yes, I still find myself dreaming of something unknown to me. But it is in God's hands. And right now I know that my heart needs to heal. But I know one thing is for certain. I've always desired to grow a friendship with any guy that comes my way, and I should have never compromised that. Now that I remember, I will apply it and pray often for the people God places in my life.

So although I desired so much more, God is helping me see that if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. And those desires will be good.

Prioritize.

While reading Captivating, a book written by John and Stasi Eldredge, I have been really getting to know my heart. It's helping me understand all my desires, but also all of my wounds. I am halfway through this book, but I already feel like God has changed so much for me. What interests me is that just two months ago, I felt like I was searching for something (or someone?). Taking action led me to so many new things, different things, and now to the very healing of my heart. Whatever was to happen for me to reach this point, God saw to it that it'd be done. That my search would be complete.

In my last blog entry, I discussed how God is mending my heart into a newer and stronger one. Today I was starting to learn how Jesus intends to heal it if I welcome Him in. Which I most definitely do. Daily I have been able to give Him my burdens, my concerns, my fears, and my sadness. Without hesitation, I have invited Him into the deepest part of my heart to be the One I call upon, day and night. He has really healed me. I have been able to see the recent happenings in my life in a new light. What seemed to be a repeated cycle has turned into a new path. You have no idea how warming that has become to this now-healing-heart of mine.

If I allow myself to really think about it, I have no idea who I would be if one simple thing were changed this year. If I didn't take certain first steps. If I didn't travel down south. If I didn't have motivation to buy that book. If I didn't fear rejection. If I didn't feel paranoid. If I wasn't trying to figure things out. And most importantly, if I wasn't searching for an answer. All of those tiny acts played together have brought me to exactly where I am at today, which feels like a blessing, a healing, a miracle! The cycle I was unfortunately living in suddenly would be repeating and repeating until I was destroyed and wounded to mental death.

No man could have come along, singing sweet words to serenade me to "happiness" and fix this heart. God could have placed my future husband in front of my face, and I would somehow fear him, in the back of my mind. Someday, if not right away. I would fear him and the only thing I would deserve at that point would be to lose him. Because he couldn't fulfill that empty spot in my heart, nor take away the pain that built up over the years. With that now being acknowledged in my mind and heart, I have been able to properly become healed, expecting no man to become closer than a friend. Losing that unintended expectation has eased a lot of fear and pain. Because what I need is one prayer away, and that is the love and healing from Jesus Christ, my only Savior.

I have fully forgiven anyone who has played a part in these fears in my past. They are all each loved by God so much so, and probably go through their own trials and problems. I forgive them with my whole heart, because now I am recovering. I am safe. I have been rescued by my very protective Father. But yes, I do still ask God to take away any new fears that try to attack me. I notice them coming during my work hours. But it feels as though there is a shield being built around me that manages to block these attacks from fully coming at me. Is that God? I believe so. He's really helping me through this.

I'm going to prioritize my life through this healing. I am going to bring what is internal out into what is external. Including my room, my schedule, my jobs, and my relationships. I still want to be a light in this world. It's so good to know there was an answer to this very extended cry of mine. I battled something for years, and I finally found the solution, right on time. All the steps I took to get here amaze me. From curiosity, to pressure, to ChristianMingle (the giving in to the pressure step), to attraction to someone new, to meeting them, to being recommended Captivating, to buying it, to reading it, to fear again over him, to meeting that fear face to face, to recognizing what was needed, to realizing I wasn't searching for a human companion, to finding the real answer (Jesus!), to beginning a healing process, and now...to making a difference and putting a complete end to the past cycle of fear.

May my new friendships be pure, holy, and acceptable to God. May I not wonder, fear, be paranoid, expect, or ask. May I be a light to all and encouragement as well. May I learn to live the dream, instead of dreaming the dream. May this year continue to be a GREAT ADVENTURE. ♥

A New Heart.

God has done a new thing inside of my frail heart. He has been healing it from past wounds, and opening my eyes to see what I've been needing to see. It's as if He set this whole thing up for a great purpose, and I'm finally capable of recognizing that purpose. Just a few weeks ago the pieces were thrown all over the place. But just recently the frame was put together and the middle pieces are being placed together perfectly by my very loving Father.

I was wounded and filled with fears and an aching heart. All I wanted was hope and a totally different life. But there was a better solution than what seemed easy. Because even if God Himself put my "dream guy" right in front of me, He knew I'd still wonder, still fear, and still want something more. It wouldn't be enough to just know that special person. I was failing at the only relationship I needed. I was hoping for something I wasn't even ready for. Humans will fail us, but God won't. When I received the words "Keep looking for that special someone" from a friend recently, it didn't even occur to me that those were the very words of God until tonight. When this reality hit me, I was smiling like Jesus just hugged me.

"Keep looking." Two simple words that I truly believe God was whispering to me over and over. He knew I'd find Him! He knew what I really needed, so He let me look, He let me search, until I was on the floor left with no strength. And the last thing He says to me is "Keep looking for that special someone." My search was not complete.

No man could ever fulfill that emptiness inside of me. Knowing this fact already was not enough for me. I had to feel it. I had to be chased to God by being rejected by men. God was saving me. He was searching for me so He could save me and remind me how lovely I am to Him. How wonderful is that!? From the moment I went down south to meet a guy, God had a plan. Through this young man He chased me right into His loving arms. Is that why I felt so determined to know him? Maybe. Maybe in a way it's like I knew he was the key to unlock this fragile part of me that needed Jesus.

This man, because of God, did me a favor. I could not find my satisfaction in him, nor could I find the hope I needed. My true search was to find my loving Savior all over again. He needed to heal my heart that became bruised and beaten over the years. He needed to make me feel captivating. I was hurting, I was afraid and paranoid and God wanted to save me. He wanted to take all those fears away within a relationship between He and I and no other human being. My search for a companion was really just a search to mend the  broken relationship I somehow had with the Lord.

And although I feel I learned my true lesson, I know that all I want right now are friendships. If a guy cannot handle a friendship with me, he can never handle more. But anything beyond friendship is in God's hands. For now, I want to deepen my relationship with God and trust Him with my future. I have no reason to search beyond Jesus Christ. He is all I need. When God finds me ready, I'm sure He will have the perfect husband for me. But until that day comes, I will be fully content with God alone. I will keep learning how to love, how to help, how to speak, and how to act. I will go where He sends me, and I will be still when He is silent.

I feel like God has given me a new heart. It makes me want to start all over again with every relationship I have. This new heart of mine feels stronger already. As I continuously grow, giving God my fears and hardships, I know He will strengthen this heart daily. It's on its way to recovery now and may take some time before it's ready to be handled by anyone else. Therefore I know God will be taking great care of it so that it's perfectly ready for whatever is there for me in the near future. I imagine this new heart of mine as a very worthy piece of me. A piece that God was so determined to fix and led me exactly to where I am today just so I'd hand it over fully. With this new heart is a key that I leave in His hands. Only He knows how to properly protect my heart.

It's not that I abused my heart in the past, but that in order to learn a great lesson, God was aware my heart would someday become weak. Because He knew this, He had the answer and the solution. And here I am, in the midst of it all, learning and growing. To see all that God intended to do for my life just to save me and make me strong. I do not have to live in fear or search for hope. He is my safety and hope.

I guess you could say...I got to learn this all because I took that first step. I just had no idea where God was really leading me. ;)