One might think that growing close to someone means understanding, laughter, trust, and lots of love. And although that might be true, there is this closeness that instead is scary, unknown, and intimidating. I cannot say those are the correct words to properly describe what I mean, but I can say that growing close to someone requires so much strength and most definitely trust. Although there is laughter as you let someone into your heart, there is also fear.
I say this though with the fact in mind that I have never actually allowed anyone to enter into the area around my heart. It was quite easy for me to inevitably build a wall and hold people at a comfortable distance. Not that I intentionally built this wall, but that I guarded my heart closely and never put up a welcome sign. This is indeed human of me to somehow accomplish, but at twenty-three years of ages, I am actually now questioning my own inner self.
I see myself slowly but surely putting up this welcome sign with a massive amount of hesitant behaviour. I'm afraid just as much as I'm anxious to let someone share a part of my life. To let them in and let them see the depths of my very own heart. Yet at the same time, I'm intimidated at getting to know another heart. Will it become too much? Will I be able to handle it?
But what is it like to have someone become so close to me that their actions affect mine and mine affect theirs? I wonder this to its full extent now after all this time. I never had the opportunity to let someone get close enough to merely hold me in a hug or tug at my fragile heart. But here I am, risking it all, realizing that I've somehow let go enough to open a door and risk someone coming in. Although I remain totally unsure of how close he'll come, I stand here in hopes that I won't be so afraid.
He seems like more of a glimpse of what is to come, helping me see that I have a lot to work on. A part of me wants to learn with him because of his own shy and hesitant behavior, but the other part of me is afraid he will instead run away. I let my heart beat faster than normal when he commits an act of affection that surprises me. It's in our time away that I can collect myself and remember why I admire him.
Sure, there is that fear inside of me that I won't know how to handle his nearness if he challenges me to do so, but with our lack of communication, I have no idea how to treat him. I treat him as the friend that he is to me, but he seems to allow a nearness that I'm not familiar with. You see, he is the only one who notices the tiny things about me and the only one who can manage a smile that lifts my spirits. He lives life so differently and uniquely and keeps me entertained because of it. He makes me feel happy with myself all the while making me so afraid at the same time.
The truth about being close is...it's' the hardest thing I've ever had to accomplish. It gets my heart pounding if I let him touch me and I hold myself back from throwing my arms around him to merely say, "I would choose you if I could." Of all the people in my life, he's that one human being that makes me question if God put him in front of me on purpose. I have no idea how to let him become closer because I have no idea if he wants to. But now I hope I can put up that welcome sign just for him. I wish he would find the strength to reveal to me his honest truth about why he has become as close as he has.
Because if he could do that, I would finally let go of all this confusing and continuous confusion. If this is what falling in love really feels like, then I most definitely have never fallen in love before.
