The Best.

Dear You,

I can give you reasons why you're the best and write up an essay as to why I believe you're incredible. I could also do the opposite, but that's the power of freewill. You see, I've chosen to paint a portrait of your best lest I bring you down. I always liked that I could see the whole of you, the good and the bad. But the most incredible part of that was the mere fact that there would always be something new to learn.

So here goes.

You could smile easily or laugh easily, but when that happiness disappeared, so did the sparkle in your eye. But I loved the way your eyes squinted and I loved when the sparkle was present. When you laughed, your entire body laughed with you. It brought a sense of joy upon me just to see you do so and during some cases, I would simply observe you just to enjoy that moment. I felt like I just knew you, all of you, somehow, and I felt special.

You would become super concentrated on certain tasks and I'd choose patience to wait on you in those moments. I could sit by you or stare at you across the room telling myself over and over, "Let him just be him." I fought the urges to tear you away from what you needed because I wanted to enjoy you, not criticize you. I often wondered who on earth would ever take that time to let you be you. But that single moment you chose to turn to me, usually followed by an apology, my smile would return and I'd remind myself how lucky I was that you chose me.

Your touch was never too forward. You were always so subtle. The way you would stroke my arm during cuddling or sometimes play with my hair were the tiniest moments that I recorded in my mind and can still play them in my head to this day. I waited so long for the moments that we shared and I always felt so certain with you. For once I was finally able to accept you instead of run from you, and I worked so hard at thoroughly enjoying your presence.

But I always go back to those eyes. You had this way of looking at me. And not just at me, but into my soul with the slightest yet most piercing subtle smile on your lips and I just wasn't on earth for a moment. This feeling you put in me always resulted to me reaching to touch your hair because I could not figure out how to handle such a moment.

I keep thinking you should be here, that you should have been sitting next to me in church. I keep thinking I should be holding your hand because no other hand fit so well with mine but yours. I keep thinking you'll come to my door with a bouquet of flowers confessing that you missed me and that you should have never walked away. I keep hoping because I can't help it. I keep hoping because I can't make sense of your absence all over again.

The timing hurts me because I endure summer without you last year and this year I kept looking forward to the sunshine with you. I looked forward to warm nights, star-gazing, camping, and beach trips. I looked forward to day trips and night cuddling with movies and maybe popcorn. You changed my world all over again and walking away was possibly the hardest thing I've done because this is the second time you let me go. The tears keep falling from my eyes and when they do...I can't stop them fast enough.

I'm going to be tough, but you were my favorite pair of arms. You were my favorite pair of eyes and my favorite sound. Everything about you was good enough, from your flaws to your perfections. Your failures meant nothing to me and your doubt didn't intimidate me. I was not afraid of you but rather afraid of the absence of you. I kept thinking we would go back to normal before you made such a decision to break us apart.

And I keep hoping. I keep wishing. I keep dreaming.

I keep wondering if maybe one day I'll hear the knock. On that day I will open up the door to your face and embrace you with no words.

I keep hoping you'll come back.
Even if that day doesn't come...I meant it when I said that you're the best.

Love,
Me

Unexpected Turn of Events.

I haven't quite figured out how I truly feel right now. Some moments I want to just cry, other moments I feel like something grand is going to happen and therefore I'm hopeful again. But nothing quite makes sense yet. I am broken, yes. I had to hear words I never wanted to hear from my favorite person and I had to look him in the eyes as I teared up and say goodbye. It wasn't my choice and there was nothing I can do to change his mind. That's what hurt the most.

I look back and think about the weeks we spent hardly interacting. I kept thinking to myself that we would revive whatever died along the way and go back to normal again. But his words came at me like a ton of bricks and I was so incredibly confused.

On his part he says God says he should say goodbye. On my part, I think God said we would be okay and to keep loving and trusting. It makes me wonder if God really told us two different things because He's trying to help us. I guess I won't know what God is doing until enough time passes. Either way, I am incredibly saddened this happened.

My favorite person decided to go on in life without me. And all I really know is that I still love him.