My Second Chance.

I'm not entirely sure why I teared up as I walked away, but I did. I'm starting to become more and more convinced that God is giving me a second chance to do everything better. I'm noticing so much progress in me in which I don't fear reactions the way I used to and I don't treat myself as less than I am. I can pretend to make a sad face and I won't be hurt over it by an inconsiderate reaction. I took the hit in the past but the further I become from that time, the more I become a better person.

I made mistakes. A lot of them. It was the first time I found myself in the situation that I was in. He was the first male friend and only male friend for years. I never really interacted with any other guys, simply because I just never really knew them. I let my emotions get the best of me and I cried one too many times. For the record, my heart really hurt a lot. I went through more than I would have imagined, like losing a home, losing friends, and feeling alone a lot. I had nothing really to show for myself for many years.

But here I am finding myself tearing up over something entirely new yet entirely familiar. This time I question if God really is giving me a second chance to take what I've learned and eliminate the past mistakes. What other reason would there be for me to be placed in such a similar place? I'm finding that old Stephanie who loves giving gifts and making music for people show up in a friendship I was slightly afraid of. But I'm praying over it this time so that I won't spend the time in fear. So that I can let my true self come out and not be afraid of it.

I'm not entirely sure why I teared up as I walked away, but I did because I was happy. In that moment I knew I couldn't do to him what I've done before. I couldn't drag him into a sob story or act like he's done something wrong. I just couldn't and I just can't. He's too good of a person with too soft of a heart for me to place him as that part of my life. All I want is to let him be my friend so I can be his in return without blocking him out of fear. Yet at the same time I just don't want what happened to me before happen with him. He deserves so much more than that.

So maybe this really is God giving me a second chance. To have a friend that will treat me right in the areas I was once treated wrongly but at the same time I will have a friend who will treat me well in the same areas I once was treated well before. Because I admit, I miss that a lot. I miss having a friend like him, to be real with, to laugh with, and share differences with. His friendship is such a different influence than anything my female friends could give. He has been such a godsend and I just don't want to drag my past self into this wonderful new friendship.

I guess I cried because I was afraid of my past self. I was afraid she would come back. I really don't deserve him as a friend. I don't deserve him in my life. And yet I merely wish I can become good enough. And why this friendship? Because it feels like my second chance to make things better. To not blame him. To not drag him into depression. To not fear him. To trust God.




























God's got this.