To Back Away.

I know this may be silly, but I have found myself at a place where I cannot help but question why on earth I dragged myself through a tough situation for years. I am nearing my two-year mark of living without that situation, being freed and made new, yet I can't help but feel ashamed. I know I can stand unashamed in front of God, but this human part of me wishes I never had to say I suffered that way. This has caused me to fear loving completely because it always came with tears in the past. How silly is that?

I have now moved on, made new friends, made a new life, but then I had to go and meet an individual who would change my life. And I find myself wanting to love him, even as just a friend, but I can't help but associate that with my choice to love a broken person in the past and being hurt at the same time. I'm so very tired of this because I thought I overcame this. I did overcome this, but these feelings, desires, and human abilities--they remind me so very much of what I already went through. Can't these memories just dissipate? Can they just leave me alone for once?

I'm suddenly finding myself with the want to back away, to pretend this never happened, and to silently confess to him I cannot be his friend. He doesn't deserve to be placed as the friend I could only "wish to love." I want him happy, and I want him to find that happiness and I don't ever want to hold him back from that just because I selfishly wish I could make him happy. I don't want to make him feel like he has to be careful around me. He is too good for that and I wish I could just easily remove myself from his memory so that I never looked for him, never found him, and never cried over the walls I see around him.

God, I am so sorry I've found myself in this hole again. You've worked so hard at fixing me, molding me, and loving me. I've grown so much, I've made it through, and then I decided I would be a great friend to him. I decided I would love despite my fears, give as much as I can, and trust that You wouldn't let me fall. But here I am, realizing I don't think I can actually do this. I forget what You've said to me, and I don't understand Your ways, but surely You wouldn't want me to bring him down because of my lack of confidence and self-security?

I'm still his friend because I don't have the heart to break it, but I'm slowly getting to that one step  before walking away so that he could find what he's looking for because I am not sure I can watch. I'm weak, and I guess what I'm really saying is I need You right now to change my mind.