Deserving.

People have told me quite a few times in the past few years of my life that I deserve "someone better." The interesting thing is that I've never actually had the opportunity to settle for anyone less.  To think I "deserve" more makes me wonder if what I receive is really in my control. What are these people really saying to me? Jesus sat with tax collectors and sinners, but don't you think He "deserved"  more? Jesus died on a cross, but don't you think he "deserved" more? You see, that's the interesting thing in life. You will never find someone on this earth as perfect for you. We "deserve" really nothing. But with God, everything is just a plus.

Now, because I've not had the opportunity to settle for more or less, I've not even made that mistake of committing to this "less" that they feel I do not deserve. And sure, I'm flattered they think I'm worthy enough for someone great, but is it my fault when someone broken and faulty comes along? And even when a kind soul does present itself into my life, it's not like I'm jump on it like a train and travel the world. I'm starting to think that it's going to take a long time before someone will actually fight hard enough for me. If they can fight that hard though, maybe that's what I "deserve."

Here is my view on what I think I'd like to have. If a man presents himself to me someday, I'd like a wonderful foundation of friendship. With that friendship, I'd like laughter--lots of laughter. I find it one of the most important qualities in any human being. I'm curious, I am, of what it's like for someone to actually look so highly on me. That I am important to them--that my presence makes a difference. I'd want to experience someone who considers my likes and dislikes and respects them (because darling, I'd be doing the same). I'd like someone who can read my eyes and constantly ask me how I'm doing until I give an answer (because sometimes I need that pestering to open up). I'd like someone whose eyes light up when I enter a room. I'd like someone who can give out constant words of affirmation so I never have to question what they think, or how they feel.

Most importantly, I'd like someone who is real--someone broken, faulty, and has a past of trials and tribulations they overcome. I'd like someone who has empathy and a need to understand others. Someone that understands we all make mistakes, but that we can grow from them. This to me is genuine, and I wouldn't ask for perfection because I couldn't ever compare to them. I myself am broken, faulty, and full of failures. I want someone to laugh over mistakes with me and try again at the same time. If this means I'm settling for less, then so be it. Because with God, everything the world believes is great is only reversed and in the end, less is more.

To clarify, I do believe I "deserve" better than someone who treats me less than who I really am. My dad treated me like a gem, like a princess, and like one of the most important persons in the world. With that as the case, and after losing him over a year ago, I hold onto the fact that he has taught me what type of man I should ever settle for. If a man cannot see me the way my father saw me--as special and important--then I highly doubt I'd give such a man my heart. But until then, my heart is safely held in the hands of God.

I'm simply reserving it for a time that someone truly makes me smile from the inside out. Even if the world sees it before we do.