My life lately is filled with a lot of firsts. I went over twenty-four years of my life learning and growing to be me, to succeed, to believe, to trust, and to simply live. But the journey I entered into over a month ago is the most interesting and different experience of my life yet. Because, well, it involves another human being who is completely out of my control yet closer to my heart. I'm learning the difference between my imagination and reality. And honestly, I have nothing to go off of when it comes to reality except for my previous dreams.
Allow me to elaborate. In my daydreams, the scenarios I created were based on non-existent experiences. Being held in a hug, holding hands, falling in love, expressing feelings, being kissed--I mean, how would I ever know? Are they really the way I imagine? In reality, as I slowly experience something new, I cannot determine whether it's supposed to be awkward, uncomfortable, scary, or completely fine. I could very well be experiencing these moments exactly the way every other human being experienced them for the first time. And I just wouldn't know because I inevitably compared them to my made-up dreams.
This is the most frustrating and amazing part of it all though. To get my mind to realize that how I'm experiencing it now is how it is supposed to be. It is not meant to be the way I played it out in my head because I simply made all of that up. I cannot watch two people on a screen and think of how they feel based on how they looked. I may very well look completely comfortable holding his hand or arm in public, but little do the people around me know that it has taken me time and practice to let it feel natural (in fact I'm still working on it).
When he gets close to me, I feel like my personal space has been invaded, yet in my imagination I've dreamt up plenty of times how I'd handle his nearness. But the more that time passes, the better I feel, and the better I feel, the easier it becomes to make up how reality will potentially feel for the still awaited "firsts" to come. And I have no intention to make it a to-do-list of things to experience and check off just because I've waited this long.
No. This journey I'm taking is a journey of determining if I can actually trust this other human being with my heart or not, and if he will stay and protect it. Because if he has no intention to stay, then I have no reason to completely attach myself to him or give anything special to me away. I value myself and God values me. I'm not meant to be a "test run" or someone to practice on. I'm a real, live, breathing human being with a beating heart. And the same goes for him. He is not my guinea pig, he is not a practice run--no. He is real and I care deeply for him. I love learning with him, I do, but my care is real. I mean everything that I do.
I know his life so well now, and I have every intention to learn more. When it gets overwhelming to know another human, I get through it and then I want to know more again. The more comfortable I become with each step he takes closer to me, the better I feel to let him be physically near me. I have cared for him for so long now and it's so hard to get myself to believe that he's letting me know him even deeper, and even more.
I didn't wait this long for a relationship to simply waste my time. I didn't wait this long to agree to just anyone. I was looking for a best friend and I found that in him.
I hope you stay.
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