I Don't Know How Not to Miss You.

Well, let's just face the facts again.

I miss you and I don't know how not to miss you. I can be happy, laughing, having a grand ol' day living my life, growing, moving forward, planning, and becoming someone greater. But at the end of the night, I'm basically faced with what is still in my heart. And that's where you happen to be. I think of all the good times, but really, I just think of you in general. I think your existence always meant something to me and too many times I have asked God why I must feel the way I do. I ask Him all too often how long this will last. I just keep wondering.

And I keep wondering because I know you're absent and without you here, thinking of you will only leave me tearing up in the end. I think that eventually I have to stop missing you otherwise eventually you'd have to come back and prove to me you'll stay this time. But see, both of those two options seem so impossible. And now I realize that the easiest way for me to accept this is to stop denying it. Sounds simple, but you'd be surprised at how much it's not.

Let's see. The hardest part is everyone around me probably wondering why on earth I'd still be dreaming of you. They probably think I shouldn't miss you, but that's the thing; these people never knew you the way I knew you. They also never loved you the way I loved you. Perhaps I'm the only one on this earth who took that much time and that much love out of my heart for you. But that's what makes me kind of special, I guess.

This is the hardest special award for me to possess. Because of this, I just keep missing you. It's like you should be here, but for now you just are not. And since you are not, I am waiting. But yet at the same time I've put no hold on my future. I am thankful that I can continuously move forward without hesitation, but it doesn't stop the pondering. I then wonder, would you be proud of me? Would you take back everything you said and thought if you actually knew me beyond the filter you put over me? Would you break down and shatter in front of me just to be with me? Probably not, seeing as how you're nowhere in sight.

But I'm failing quite miserably in forgetting you. I will never forget you. You hold so many of my "firsts," and now no one but you will have that. Your hand was probably my favorite hand to hold because it was the only one that fit so well inside mine. I'm afraid that if I will keep missing you, since I do not know how to stop, and that the only way to get over this is to meet someone grander than you. But in order to meet someone grander, I'm convinced I must move on from you. You see the problem there? I'm in a pickle and all I know right now is there's still something special and unique in you that I am just not completely me without.

I'm better now. So much better now. I'm motivated, I'm inspired, and I'm determined. But I miss your encouragement with all of my heart. I miss your enthusiasm when I shared my ideas. I miss it all and I think we needed this break in order to make us better. And that's the saddest part of all. Because with this break, you might never come back. Without it, I wouldn't have learned why on earth I loved you and what it feels like to be angry and stand up for myself. I wouldn't know what I really desire and why I really deserve without the breaking of us. But at the same time, I think that is what would make a better us and now I can only pray God leads you back to me. Because if you're not meant to come back, I really don't want to miss you anymore.

But here I am again.

Remembering
every
single
thing
we
shared.