Disconnected From the World.

What does it mean to suddenly feel disconnected from the world around you? I could be completely fine, and then suddenly it's hard to focus. I physically walk alone and all I can wish for is some form of hope. God tends to give it to me in one way or another, but I'm not often sure what leads me to that disconnection in the first place. Is it a deeper yearning in me? Is it my mind subconsciously grieving over the current loss of my dad? And yet once a human being is around me and I'm in communication, I suddenly feel okay again. Like I've connected myself to something--someone--in the world around me. Suddenly I'm able to somewhat focus again.

This doesn't help in my school work though. I'm slowly but surely trying to make my way back into the present. But it's going a lot slower than I thought. I feel like procrastinating and just sleeping instead. I feel like the enemy wants me to fall back into my old ways, and I don't want to give in to that. I'm praying to have hope and strength, to keep my dreams going. I'm a dreamer, living it out loud, and I cannot give in to these hopeless feelings.

But then when I least expect it, God brings along what seems to be the perfect answer. I'm right back on my feet again, somehow, with hope. As if I have another reason to keep going. To stay inspired. Something that makes me want to smile despite my circumstances. I can't figure out what disconnects me from the world, but being brought back down by that little glimpse of hope is...well, my only hope getting through this time. I need to be connected again. I need to find my confidence. I need to stay inspired.

What does it mean to suddenly feel disconnected from the world around you? Maybe it means God is calling you to listen.

A Year of Unexpected Events.

This year has been the most surprising year of my life. Today I sit here in my old room and I can tell that nothing is the same at all as it was a year ago. I've gained and lost a few things over the months, but I hardly expected any of it. On January 1st I was someone entirely different. I had no intentions to go to a University, and yet I applied one week later as if God changed my mind. On January 1st, I had a broken and wounded heart. One month later, it's healed and I'm on my way to making my dreams come true.

I started making things happen for myself by allowing God to take over completely. I started making first steps and leaps of faith. I don't regret it at all. I watched myself grow along the way in daily videos and I'm still growing. I felt my best, fully content, and stronger than ever. I made new friends and began forming new bonds with a new life in Azusa.

And then my life was put on hold as I grieved the passing of my father. Many moments as I realize once again I won't be able to see him or hear him anymore, I will cry it out. This was the most unexpected thing to happen out of all. But it seems God timed it just that way so that my dad could stay around long enough to see my finally succeed and move on. I had his moral support, his faith, his love, and his belief in me as I reached my goals. I now merely pray that I will still have that in another one, somehow, now that my dad is gone.

If the unexpected can happen at any moment, maybe we should always be ready to endure. Maybe we should always be at a point in our lives that we are succeeding. Maybe we should always follow our dreams instead of waiting for convenience. Maybe we should always make someone proud of us. Maybe we should always fight for what's right. Maybe we should always make time for people. I got to make my dad prouder than he has ever been by the choices I made this year. I wish I could have kept him longer, but I guess he did his job and needed to go Home. Either way, I made him happy and proud. I made the right choices this year and I pray I can continue to do so. ♥

Hope Remains.

Many thoughts have gone through my head the last few days. I've realized how small my previous problems really were and how the unexpected is still capable of happening. I've come to know who in my life is genuine and who really does care for me. I've learned that I've lacked to treat certain feelings as "normal" and coming to accept that has helped me just be. But most importantly, I've learned that God is a God of hope. He can pour inside of us a hope that no man can create nor explain. And that is what God has given me during this time of grieving.

No one hopes for what they have or what they see. Hope is having faith in what you cannot see. Because I cannot see what is ahead, I can only hope for the best. God has allowed me to feel a hope for something beautiful to come. That even when I'm crying missing my dad, there is hope. Not only do I still have many people around me, but God is taking everything I ever learned from my earthly father and He is teaching me who I am meant to be. My dad did his job by making me feel special, loved, and worth it. I did my part by making him proud, following my dreams, and never giving up.

I know my dad won't be here to give my future husband his approval, nor will he be able to walk me down the aisle, but he definitely taught me what to look for. My dad knew that I would someday make the right choice in a husband, and he didn't fail to already make me feel special while I waited. I may not have had the closest relationship with my father, but he had the most faith in me. Losing my dad has brought up these thoughts more than ever. I was that one girl dreaming up marriage, writing out stories, and daydreaming it all. To lose my dad before I could even reach that dream has stabbed a rather sensitive part in my heart. But yet God has given me hope nonetheless. I still have my Father in Heaven and I still belong to Him and Him alone.

I can't say I know when I'll reach that dream. To be honest, I've given it up for the most part. But I still feel hopeful. That a man will someday have my heart and it'll be the one I know would have made my dad proud. I may not be able to hear him tell me what he thinks about them, but I will let God be the one who chooses. My hope is that I'll find someone who can love me as much as my dad loved me. Someone who can make me feel special, loved, worth it. Someone who has faith in me. Someone who dreams big. Someone who never gives up. Someone who is strong-willed. That's who my dad was.

Life-Changing Year.

This year has truly been one of the most life-changing years I've ever had. Perhaps if I wrote it all down, organized it, and saw the bigger picture, I could understand God's timing on the loss of my dad.

It all started with a trip I took on a bus down to Southern California. I had no idea what I wanted in life, where I wanted to be, but I thought living down there might be my calling. So I visited to get a feel for it. I wasn't sure what I wanted in life, or how to get to my destination, but I was determined to figure it out. Needless to say, I returned home from that trip with many tears and total confusion. My life was missing something grand, and I just couldn't feel it in my hometown.

That night as I searched online for options of what to do and how to move, I cried asking God, "What is it that you have for me? Where is it? Please point it out to me. Lead me to the answer." I was literally just crying whilst browsing Google search for anything that came to mind. But after that prayer, I had one thought. Azusa Pacific University. I only knew it as the school a new friend of mine attended. I only searched it because he spoke highly of it and how much his life changed. I thought maybe I'd at least see what they even offered.

To my surprised, I found what felt to be the most perfect major. Cinematic Arts Production. It mentioned storytelling and faith. I began to imagine what that would be like, to be a part of that. Not to mention it was located in Southern California, where I previously dreamed to move to. After two days of staring at it, I took the most unexpected leap of faith and applied. I felt set on doing it too. After the weeks went by, I started to question, "But is this what You really have for me, God? Is this not where I should go?" I questioned my real intentions for wanting to apply because I didn't exactly search any other school.

Meanwhile I decided that I would still try to go to England. I didn't give up on that dream after all, and I began to save up money. After a couple weeks beyond purchasing my ticket, I then found out I was accepted into the University. I was surprised and yet not surprised. I thought God, You must be doing this for me! I didn't worry about finances at this point. I had something to say for myself. I had a reason to move on. I was doing something with my life and my parents were proud of me.

All at the same time, I had overcome a broken heart. I didn't know it was broken until God let it break completely. But He gave me a great gift because of that. He restored my heart, healed it, and made it new. He showed me I didn't need to have fears and He could satisfy me. I started to feel ultimately loved by Jesus and that I was special. I became content in my singleness and learned that God wanted me to stop putting my life on hold and go live it. My dream of marriage would be fulfilled someday, but He wanted to show me that I could be happy in the waiting.

Eventually I was on a plane to England, with a grand smile on my face and full excitement. I arrived safely to five smiling faces and welcome signs. I spent one month and a half there, exploring and feeling so content. After weeks, God broke me down again when I was reminded of past fears. But He healed me yet again, and He used me to speak light to my friends. I grew even closer to God and when it was all complete, I was back on a plane home. I cried so very much, missing England and all my friends there. I knew I had a new life to come home to, but it was so hard to part.

Upon coming home, I felt so different. I spent that next week praying, sleeping, packing, and preparing. Soon enough, I made it to Azusa with my mom, sister, and aunt. I sadly did not have my dad with me, but I knew he was proud. I knew he saw the pictures we posted and told everyone about it. I began school, made new friends, gained three sisters in my apartment, and started my new life. I was finally getting the hang of it, despite getting overwhelmed by the amount of work and tasks that built up.

And then it happened. A sudden sadness fell upon me. I didn't know why. I went to three classes before having a break. Once that break came, I checked my messages. My sister was asking me to pray for my dad who went missing. Then her next message I checked said he was in the hospital. I called immediately and when we connected she cried out my name. Her words were unreal. I could hardly speak.

"Stephanie...Dad passed away.." Her voice was  broken, weak, and shaking. Inside I felt confused, lost, unsure of how to feel. I walked home alone that day, holding my phone after she hung up, containing the tears to soon let them flow once I was away from public. I finally made it to the apartment and my roommate comforted me as I tried to process it all. Telling people now feels fake, feels wrong. That's not what I'm supposed to say about my dad...

I received prayer from all the people that knew. I had two visitors that were leaders to me and they prayed with me. I was surrounded by such loving people that I knew God made sure I wasn't alone. He equipped me for something I would have never guessed would happen. He strengthened me, brought me to my dream life, and let my dad know I made it. As much as I wish he could have stayed to watch me grow, I know that I have no choice but to let go. It is the most awful thought I've ever had to deal with and I wonder how long it'll take before it completely processes. Before I feel like it's "normal."

Yesterday I sat with a friend who reminded me that I had a lot to hold onto. He gave me words of comfort and I remember feeling completely peaceful and calm around him. His prayer went deep into my heart and I had a genuine piece of hope placed inside of me and I felt protected. I could breathe, I could relax, and most importantly...I could laugh. In that moment I knew that God planned out everything for me. He wouldn't leave me alone during this time. He had a new plan now that my dad's role in my life has come to an end. I'm still a princess with a Father.

I know the moments will come when I break down and cry. I'll miss my dad until I see him again in Heaven. But I know he would want me to keep going, to keep making music, to keep writing, to keep taking photographs. He would want me to succeed in my new life here. I made him proud. I made him happy. I made him complete. I know he'll be by my side, someway, somehow.

Life could change in the blink of an eye. You just never know what could happen. The unexpected, the best, the worst, and the possibility of miracles. Hold on to those great memories. Don't run from them. Don't forget them. Find a reason to be happy, to have peace, and to continue on. God has a plan. And I'm ready for that next part of my life. The one that will help me during this time of loss, and the one that'll change me forevermore.

Dear Dad.

Dear Dad,

Just last Sunday I read the words, "I miss my kids." And with full confidence I immediately replied, "I miss you too, Dad. Will see you again soon! :)" No response came after that and I continued about my day. It wasn't until Tuesday that I felt lost, distant, and broken. I had no idea why, I assumed it was my own inner feelings. But I felt like the sadness didn't fit well enough with those reasons. Why would I suddenly feel distant? After my third class of the day, I was done for a few hours on break. I saw messages on my phone from my sister asking me to pray for you because you went missing. I then got her voicemail that you were in the hospital and she was on her way to see you.

I immediately called her and the moment she answered I knew something was wrong by the way she cried my name. But her words made no sense to me. "Stephanie...dad passed away." I couldn't seem to register what she said. I questioned, "What?" thinking it makes absolutely no sense at all. I wish I could go back in time to the last time I saw you and tell you once again that I love you.

Dad, I have no idea why it was your time, it makes no sense to me. I feel like this is just pretend and that you'll be there coming over for food when I visit home. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay, that God has you, but I didn't know I was ready to lose my daddy. :(

You believed in me though. You were happy for me. You loved me. You took care of me for years. You made me feel like the best piano player and photographer in the world. I want to go back in time and hear you say it all over again. I wish I was warned that this would happen, but I'll try not to think too hard on it. I'm not familiar with this pain. This is so very new to me. I need you, Dad... I need you to come see me and tell me how proud you are that I made it into a top university. That I'm going to one day work in movie production and tell the world my story. I want you to keep telling people how much you love me and my sister. Did you know you were going Home?

I don't like this at all.... I want you back so very much... Just to hear you tell me once again how much you love me... :'(

Sincerely,
Your youngest daughter.

The Foreign Relationships Life.

Today I wandered to the living room where my friend sat and expressed my loneliness to her. I plopped onto the couch adjacent and spent about an hour after that in communication with her. It went quite lovely as she asked me to explain my ideal husband. It brought me back to being sixteen again, where I inevitably had a check-list of who I'd want to marry. Not that I knew what I'd need, but I had a very detailed imagination. It got me thinking again though. I may be much older now, making my way to twenty-three, but I still have that same heart I did at sixteen. Never finding anyone to hold this heart, I still find myself dreaming.

I guess I always did have a check-list. I once learned that we should give all our dreams up to God, knowing He is the only one capable of knowing who we'd need. I've always had a strong desire to be a helper. I have urges to make someone feeling utterly special, as if of all people in the world, they were with me. My hardest struggle was accepting that such a person never came along. I was too afraid to look, as if I'd ruin the chance of unintentionally meeting. That, and I was determined that God didn't need me to look for him.

I can't really say what He wants me to do though. I've come to a contentment in my singleness that allows me to go out and follow a dream on my own. I sit now in another country with the only responsibility of myself. And it works for me. I can reach out to others in the same struggle, young or old, and maybe shed some light into their lives. Jesus has fulfilled me enough to say that I know I'll make it through this somewhat lonely time. I fear to express loneliness as if it would show that God hasn't truly satisfied me. Because He definitely has.

But if I dig deep enough, I can see those characteristics that seem to fit so well with another human being. I sincerely dislike the scars that have made me become used to the feeling of being undesired. That there is one thing about me that always creates a massive wall between me and every male in this world. Either I create the wall, or they create the wall. Either way, there is a wall. A stone wall. And it blocks everyone from entering into that special part of my heart. I always tell myself that maybe I'm one step away from what I long for. But after years go by, I begin to loathe that advice.

The beauty that God has placed in the idea of one man and one woman becoming some form or bond, a connection, and a perfect picture is somewhat becoming merely foreign to me. I see it in many places, how one complements the other, and two different people share something special. I see it in the many jobs I have of photographing weddings. I see it wasted in failing, selfish, fleshy relationships as well. I see it twisted in abusive relationships and ones that depend solely upon feelings that will eventually die off.

It's meant to be special for the idea of marriage to further the Kingdom of God, but the entire world is so drawn to it that they make every exception possible to use this form of bonding. Every human being has that hole in their heart that they try every day to fulfill. To be satisfied. To be loved. To feel needed. We all crave that because God purposely put that in us so that someday we could realize we need Him. No one is fully satisfied because everyone needs God. But we look for it in human beings. We look for it in the things around us. We look for it where we think it's easy. And we often fail to realize that only a divine fulfillment can fix the problem.

Until you're fully satisfied with God, you'll never understand the reason behind marriage and intimate relationships. You'll never be able to love properly and fully. You'll always lack that proper knowledge. God is faithful. He will make you feel whole. Just let Him work in your life.

Questions and Dismissals.

I can sit here and question everything, or I could merely dismiss it and continue walking. The interesting thing is that I'm capable of switching between both decisions quite easily. Nothing is sat here on my shoulders, nor is anything stabbing me in any sort of way. It's a rather comforting feeling, and it's fairly appreciated. But when I do sit and wonder allowing whatever questions to come my way, I'm left feeling slightly smitten all over again.

It's like a magnetic force. If I get too close to something, or to those thoughts, I become instantly stuck that I have to pry myself off and remain a distance. But I know exactly what I'm meant to do during this distance so it all seems to work out in the end. What I thought was the right time back then has proved it needed more growing time. I'm aware that a majority of what I write will hardly make any sort of sense. But it's not like I could just blast my true thoughts on a public blog, despite how overly honest I can be.

It's really no big deal. But I'd be lying to say I'm not curious. To have the same dream for years and still not reach it means that I may become overly curious as the weeks go by. But I know that God has got His hand over this situation, and He has soothed my soul and my mind. He has given me patience, peace, and perseverance. What more could I even ask for?

There's something waiting for me on the other side of my summer. I'm fully aware of that. Maybe I'll find my other dream. Because I'm definitely still hoping to meet him.